What to do when someone you trust blows your world up??

[Krystal Ball]

I was an abused child (physical/father, emotional/mother). Went to therapy and broke the cycle. I married a great man that stood by me thru all the heartache. He always preached that I could trust him and not to lie to him. It took me 20yrs to finally trust myself to him and to completely open up on everything.

About 5 months ago I noticed a change in him. I would walk into the computer room and he would immediately shut down a window. I trusted him, no big deal. But as the months went by I felt like something was going on.

The long and short of it is that he said he was emailing old classmates some was female friends and old girlfriends.

Plus he was looking at porno. He said that he thought that I would be upset with it, so he kept it hidden. What makes it so hard for me to believe is that I'm in touch with old classmates/boyfriends on our mutual email, that he can read ingoing and out. It didn't bother him because everything was for his viewing. Plus he's watched me look up Porn and we have movies/magazines. Also I've always told him that if he finds someone to play with in cyberspace, get me it could be a turn on for both of us.

What really blew up is that I demanded to see his hotmail, he tried everyway not to get into it, wrong password, etc.

What I found is that one of his female classmate was going to be in the area. When he wrote to her he used words like "no strings attached, don't want to lose what he has at home, hidden area, can only be away for a short time, can't wait to see her and bob, he'll be dreaming of her, always ready for a new adventure". He says that he never had any intention on meeting her it was all play. The way that I feel is that when it's play you don't use the wording that he used. Plus he lied to me 5 times over all of this.

I have gone from completely trusting him, to doubting everything he says. He was someone special to me, he stood out among the crowd. Now he's just another person in my life that has hurt me.

During all of his secrecy our life was great (or so I thought) great sex several times a week, laugh alot, did alot of things together. I know he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me. I'm just having a tough time not putting my wall up and isolating him and trying to figure out where to go from here.

Thanks for everyone's ear. I know I typed a book. I'm just lost!!

[Tahoe_Insomniac]

HI KB.

 

Not sure if Im going to be able to help too much.... im in a different situation but one that has similar consequences to yours.

 

Basically I found out that my partner had cheated on me. It didn't last long. It definately over now.... and where its similar to your situation is ....

 

During all of his secrecy our life was great (or so I thought) great sex several times a week, laugh alot, did alot of things together. I know he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me. I'm just having a tough time not putting my wall up and isolating him and trying to figure out where to go from here.

 

I know that my girlf loves me dearly and wants to spend the rest of her life with me.... but yeah... the trust is gone.

 

If you are anything like me.... you will want to get it all back the way it is.... but you'll be scared. You'll worry if things can ever be the same again.

 

....and here's a weird one you might be sharing with me.... if you love him (which you do) you could be frightened that if you do act a little 'closed down' for a while... perhaps distant... or if you keep asking for proof that you can rebuild trust (asking about calls, nights out, emails etc - as I am doing) .. you could be frightened that they will grow to resent YOU for it and perhaps go on to do something or do something again.

 

Someone the other day gave me some really important advice... they had been in a relationship where they had cheated AND been cheated on... they said to me... forget what has happened in the past... concentrate only on what will make you happy now and in the future.... forget what other people may say or think and believe only in what you know is true from the other person concerned. BUT.. they said and it is a BIG BUT.... decide quickly what you want to do and then do it... and NEVER EVER punish them for whatthey have done. Look for commitment... (for example my girlf is offering to give up a lot for me and move closer - thats a big sign!) from them and if it is offered... what more can you ask for...? they can't change what they have done in the past even though they may want to... and if they do, it's so important NOT to persecute them for it. Concentrate on the trust issue instead.

 

I read a couple of counselling reports....

 

Firstly, its important to understand that emotional cheating can hurt as much as physical cheating.... if your other half contacts someone and they have any level of conversation that they would prefer you did not know about - well thats emotional cheating. .... but I think that because nothing has physically happened, you could find a way back form it fairly easily ....sadly i am not offered that same luxury.

 

Secondly, one of the most damaging things about finding out about something like this is that you suddenly find yourself in the position of not knowing some of the intimate thoughts and feelings of your partner - which as their other half you should expect the right to over anyone else. Thats really hurthful... the one person who shouldn't keep secrets from you has actually done something far worse ... they have kept secrets not only to themselves but shared them with someone else. If you are going to have any luck in rebuilding trust you need to break down this wall... where it comes to secrets and perhaps lies that haven't been explained you feel that this is something that your partner and the other person have to themselves. You need to know everything about the situation so that there is no longer anything special about their connection on its own. Its not special as it is no longer secret and you are once again on a level playing field because you know everything about it. That way the wall moves from being between you and your partner and the 'thing' to being betwen the other person and you and your partner... it excludes them from your partner and only includes you.

 

I kind of go with that, because I think that its so important to understand everything and not feel excluded if there is going to be any chance of getting things right back on track.

 

Like I say I might not be helping much as Im still piecing together my own situation.

 

What I will say is its really important that you find out why he did what he did... and I would like to think that perhaps it was a little self indulgent flatterey on his part, which many people find easily in emails and on the internet with old friends and even new people. I certainly don't think its enough to rock your relationship entirely... but I do feel your anguish over the trust issue and all those 'why?' and 'what if?' questions you must have.

 

Please do write back... as someone who is very hurt atthe moment and trying to figure things out for myself... I will be really interested to see how you start getting through things so that perhaps it can give me some more belief in the future of my own (shattered) relationship.

 

All the best and plenty of kind thoughts!

 

T_I x

[reservoirdog1]

I don't know if this is really advice, but my story is particularly long and brutal. I've often found in dealing with my situation that it's helpful to listen to others relate their own ****ty stories, so if you think that would be helpful to you, click and read on...

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?threadid=26554

[reservoirdog1]

Oops, sorry, I wasn't the poster of the original thread in the link I put in the last message, but I replied several times and the replies tell the story...

[mjk]

I don't know...to me the bottom line is (especially since you enjoy porn with him!) is that something fishy is going on.

 

When he wrote to her he used words like "no strings attached, don't want to lose what he has at home, hidden area, can only be away for a short time, can't wait to see her and bob, he'll be dreaming of her, always ready for a new adventure". He says that he never had any intention on

 

Right here I'd be real concerned on this one. To me you have to sit down with him and just put it out on the table with your concerns, otherwise you are going to chew yourself up over it.

[Arabess]

Well Krystal....

ALOT on internet email CAN just be self esteem fodder. I DO know men who enjoy 'flirting around' on the net...and it doesn't have a whole lot of bearing on their real life. It depends on the individual and how they took the whole media. Not all people take net stuff real seriously. I didn't for a couple of years. It was just a fun thing.

 

Maybe that is less true once someone is single...I don't know.

 

I'll get burned for this one BUT.....if a man cares for you enough to lie to keep you....then give it some creedence. Obviously, you mean something to him and he doesn't want to lose you. The trick is......is knowing what he is needing from your relationship is the same as you are needing from the relationship. He may be seeking a permanance.....while you are seeking something deeper.....like trust. It's wonderful when the two come together...but for some men...it doesn't seem to. They want a 'nest' a 'home base' and the freedom to go out and play when they feel the urge.

 

Actually, the internet is your least of threats. It's a goofy game lots of people play...just for entertainment. SO....before you throw the towel in and call this relationship a bust....TALK to him and give him the benefit of the doubt. What he is doing and what you are perceiving.....may not be the same. Don't throw away the whole thing on a technacality.