almost 30 swf Posted December 28, 2003 Share Posted December 28, 2003 so I've been dating this guy for about 6 weeks now, and things were going well, or so i thought. He calls tonight and was acting weird and then says he thinks things are moving too fast. that it feels like we're in a relationship and he feels all this pressure, and expectations and he didn't want that until he was ready to get married. He's 30 and I'm 32. I haven't pressured him in any way, he says, but he still feels it. He wants me to date other people, says he feels pressure because he's the only one I'm seeing. apparently when we met, I said I like to just focus my attention on one person, and he went along with that, although he didn't want to stop seeing other people. He believes in monogmy, though, and says he doesn't really want to seeother people - just doesn't want to be exclusive. He says he still wants to see me, and enjoys spending time with me, etc. Just doesn't think things will be long term with us. Then says if two people are meant to be, then they'll end up together. He's not a player, and hasn't really dated that much. And all his relationships in the past he wanted to be exclusive and the women didn't. so that's how he's come to think about dating. Now he's left it up to me to decide what I want to do. I don't think we know eachother well enough to be even thinking about these kinds of things. I thought things were going well ( and he agreed). so what happened??? Is he just wigging out?? Link to post Share on other sites
Samson Posted December 28, 2003 Share Posted December 28, 2003 Your message seems to reveal you already know what's happening but need confirmation that the guy's cutting loose. So, IMHO, he's not "wigging," but he is escaping with more elaboration than simply letting you know that you can 'still be friends." Link to post Share on other sites
mjk Posted December 28, 2003 Share Posted December 28, 2003 Maybe this is a "let-down", or possibly he is getting freaked out because he sees himself being drawn to you and doesn't want to get hurt like before. I rarely see the guy asking for "space". Why don't you give it to him. Passively. Don't make the big announcement: " Okay, I'll give you so much space you'll think your are an astronaut!". Just retract a little bit and see what happens. Did he quit calling? Did he call you more? This might be able to tell a lot about his feelings. Link to post Share on other sites
almost 30 swf Posted December 28, 2003 Share Posted December 28, 2003 I don't think he's trying to "cut loose". He actually said that he wasn't doing that, and that I shouldn't take it personally. He just wasn't looking for a relationship. He just wants to slow things down I guess. I didn't come on too strong. He's the one that did that in the beginning, and almost scared me away. Now when I'm really starting to like him, and miss him when we're not together, he's backing away. He always been the one who was pushing for something, calling me first, making plans, etc. Even called on Christmas. so this came out of the blue for me, and I don't know how to react. He's expecting me to call him today, and let him know what I want to do. I'm not sure, so I don't think I'm going to call. (we've talked everyday since we started going out, but it's been really casual, no expectations. do I call him? Link to post Share on other sites
sarah12 Posted December 28, 2003 Share Posted December 28, 2003 Personally, I would tell this guy to sort himself out before you let him be with you in any capacity at all. These wishy-washy type relationships rarely work out and it seems he is not over his fears of committment and opening up his heart. If there is no one else in either of your lives, then it wouldn't hurt to take a bit of a break from one another until he is ready. It's not fair that he has these fears, when you never even pushed him, and now he wants to put you on the back burner. I completely understand what you mean when you said that you don't know each other well enough to be having these kinds of discussions. This probably just means that he really has strong feelings for you, and is scared because it is happening so soon in the relationship. I think you should be honest and tell him how you feel, and then leave him alone for a while till he is ready to commit to you. Should you call him today? If you're not ready to talk about it, then call him and tell him that you just need some time to think and will call him when you're ready. If you are ready, then tell him what's on your mind. Either way, I think it's nice to call to let him know what's going on, since he's expecting a call anyhow. Link to post Share on other sites
almost 30 swf Posted January 2, 2004 Share Posted January 2, 2004 so I waited a day and didn't call or email him on Sunday like he expected me to. I IMed him on Monday and we chit chatted for a bit, then I said that I thought it was a good idea if we BOTH saw other people and that we certainly shouldn't limit our options at this point. He asked if I was alright with it, and seemed very concerned that I was ok. (I think he thouht I would take it very badly.) And I am truly ok with it. I've always jumped into serious realationships, and have never really just "dated" someone, so I'm up for it. No contact on Tuesday. Wed he IMed me just to wish me a happy new Year. Then two hours later, he called me at home and left a message to say Happy New Year AGAIN. and that he was still sick and he was staying home that night, and hoped I had fun what ever I did, and that he hoped to hear from me soon. I'm not going to read too much into this, but I think that playing it cool and accepting that he wants to keep his options open is really going to throw him off because I know he wasn't expecting me to be alright with it. I'm planning on calling him back tomorrow and now taking it slow and see what happens. Any thoughts?? Link to post Share on other sites
befuddled11 Posted January 2, 2004 Share Posted January 2, 2004 He's a grown man, for goodness sakes. He's wishy-washy and obviously confused..not to mention, commitment phobic. He sounds like a rollercoaster ride, personified. Who needs the ride? He came on strong, almost to the point of scaring you off......and then he does a 180 and suggests you see other people, professes to believe in monogamy but doesn't want to "be exclusive." What kind of lame BS is this? So what's he telling you, that he won't be having sex with ANY other chick he dates? Yeah, right. He sounds passive-agressive to me, too. Plus he's cagey...he leaves the decision up to YOU. What, to make himself look better? To not look like the a$$ that he is? Forget him. As someone close to your age who's met dingdongs like this, it's just not worth it. Nothing will ever be simple with this guy. He's obviously got major issues. You'll always feel you have to walk on eggshells and monitor your words, being super careful not to say or do something that will overwhelm him. He needs to either p*ss or get off the pot. These little games he's playing, are just that: games. You should be able to expect more from a 30 yr old man. Don't try to figure him out. Don't fool yourself into believing that he "just needs time to figure out he wants you in his life." Life is short. This guy is a time-waster, mark my words. Link to post Share on other sites
Hopeoverexperience Posted January 2, 2004 Share Posted January 2, 2004 All I can say is that it IS NOT YOU. IT'S HIM. He obviously doesn't know what he wants. He wants you to be there but he isn't able to commit to anything other than a friendship. If that's what you want, and it's not going to stop you looking for real love if that's what you're really seeking, then fine. If it's not then cut him out. I had a boyfriend like this. I was devestated when he dumped me because we wanted different things. He's now one of my closest friends and we're both happier with things as they are now. I don't think the pressure he feels is coming from you. It's all coming from him and whatever he is struggling with internally. Link to post Share on other sites
almost30 swf Posted January 5, 2004 Share Posted January 5, 2004 so I waited and called him back on Friday afternoon. He was happy to hear from me, and we chatted for about 40 minutes. Well, mostly he chatted to me like I was his long lost friend, talking about the past year, how he's now where he thought he'd be when he moved here. He's moody bc it's winter, his job's not going that well, he hasn't made too many friends, he wanted to play in a band, etc. As you guys put it, he was using me as an "emotional tampon". ha ha. I didn't really know what to do...make him feel better, give him advice, etc. Mostly I just listened. He had to work all weekend, including Sat night, but said he was really glad I called and that he wanted to see me before I go out of town. (I'm leaving on the 10th for 8 days). I was non committal and said yeah, maybe Monday or Wednesday evenings, and he said he'd give me a call. are we "friends"? does he miss me? thoughts? Link to post Share on other sites
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