Help me to stop my tears falling..(Trying to walk away from a triangle relationship)

[lost_girl]

Dear everyone out there,

 

Those who read my threads will know I am involved in a triangle relationship with a guy 9 years older than me with a 7 year live-in girlfriend. I chose to end an unhappy marriage also partially because of him. Now I need all the scoldings and advise to move on without him and not to think of him, not to run back away from him.

 

I had a talk with my man last nite. I told him I couldn't stand it anymore with this no future triangle relationship and I am preparing to move on if I can't get an answer from him. I asked him whether he is ever going to break up with his girlfriend, he told me that "maybe yes". I asked him is he going to end up marrying her and he answered "maybe no" What kind of answer is that? I got so pissed off I told him that he can forget about having "us". Yes I broke up with him but before you can praise me.......

 

I called him again tonight and cried over the phone. I told him I missed him. I asked him is he never going to call me ever again. He told me that he just want to give me time to cool off and to really think what I want. I know I am pathetic. I AM VERY PATHETIC.

 

I can't muster the courage to walk away from him. I really truly love him so much. We have been only 6 months together but I just unable to let go. I miss his smiles, his laugh, his face.....

 

Its like end of the world. I know I did the right thing to break up with him and try to carry on with my life but its tearing my heart apart. Even as I type this out, I couldn't stop the tears flowing. I tried the whole day to keep myself busy so as not to think of him but the nights are long and lonely and I counld'nt help myself. I know eventually I will really move on and laugh back at this ex-realationship but right now, I just find it so hard to carry on. Its so hard that I haven't had a wink for the whole night, I guess I won't be able to sleep tonight as well and I am brimming with tears and exhaustion. I couldn't last one day without talking to him,what makes you think I will last a lifetime without him........

 

I need HELP.... I need scoldings to wake me up...... I need to get away from him.....

 

My friends can't help me much cause they didn't know about me and him. My family do not know about him either. So I can only get advise from this forum. I am alone and I am scared. Of the future. Of leaving him. Of coping alone.

 

I am not strong. I am very weak. And I am hurting so badly. But I still love him so much.

[yes]

first of all, you're 200% correct to break up with him - triangles are yucky figures.

 

what i would do is call him, tell him your final decision is to be out of the triangle, and ask him not to contact you ever again. that'll bring some closure.

 

then, cry your eyes out - feel alllll the sadness about losing him, being pathetic for a bit, etc etc etc - i think it's important not to try and bottle it up.

 

at some point, you'll get tired of crying, and will say - hey, lemme go out and do something fun. so you'll call your friends and go out, and that'll the be the start of your new life in which you'll stick to lines and avoid triangles =)

 

don't worry ... it'll get better. you'll have your ups and downs, but all in all, you'll move on and have a better life.

 

good luck!!!

-yes

[Tony T]

You have been in the most romantic situation I could ever imagine...being strung on, mislead, used, abused, etc., by a man who has a live-in girlfriend.

 

It doesn't take Windows XP and a 2.4G cpu to figure out this was never going to work. How you could have ever allowed yourself to be played in this way is beyond me. I think you have some issues with self esteem and assertiveness that go beyond the help that can be derived from reading some books. Get professional help...and get away from this sorry excuse for a blob of humanity.

 

Let terminating this relationshxt and getting away from this guy be your holiday present to yourself!!!

[mjk]

Hi lost-Girl,

 

Let me start with the fact that you are NOT pathetic.

 

Nothing in this area is going to be easy, and nothing will make you really feel better but the calander.

 

The calender?

 

Yes...I mean the passing of some time. For you to recognize this relationship's problems and then at least try to mend your own heart is commendable indeed.

 

Really, the only "scolding" you are going to get has already been given to you by your own heart. No one can scold you more than that!

 

Your mourning of this relationship is normal, only you don't have to stay down in the dumps. It's gonna be hard to pick-up and go, but you can do it.

 

Try to turn that "triangle" into two straight lines.

 

Him going one way and you the other...away from each other.

[Skittles]

I called him again tonight and cried over the phone. I told him I missed him. I asked him is he never going to call me ever again. He told me that he just want to give me time to cool off and to really think what I want. I know I am pathetic. I AM VERY PATHETIC.

 

I can't muster the courage to walk away from him. I really truly love him so much. We have been only 6 months together but I just unable to let go. I miss his smiles, his laugh, his face.....

 

 

First, lost-girl stop the self-abuse by calling yourself names...

 

Let me ask you this? What would be the worst thing someone could do do you?

Hurt your family members? Rob your house? Steal your car? Kill your pet?

 

Let's get even more intense...Bodily harm? Murder?...

 

The part of you that is self-protective and repulsed by the behaviors and actions against yourself or loved ones is that part of you that needs to be POWERED UP pronto.

 

This relationship is destroying you...so whatever you feel, or think you feel, PALES in comparison to the threat it is posing to your well-being.

 

THINK... THINK of it that way! ..and keep telling yourself..I got caught in quick sand, but now am getting out....I dodged a bullet..

 

 

You can do this.

[moimeme]

Of course it's painful - loss always is. However, what you have done is chosen the time to suffer the loss. If you stay with him longer, eventually he'd probably dump you - and that would hurt just as much. In fact, you got yourself into a place where loss was unavoidable. At some point, it was going to happen and to hurt.

 

Now you have chosen the time and you can deal with the loss in your own way. It has to hurt - that's how we're made. The cure is NOT to go back to him, but to increase the distance.

 

In the meantime, be good to you. Do things you like to do. Eat whatever you want. And try to distract yourself. When I'm in pain, I find good comedy helps. Try to get involved in a very good book or anything else that you can lose yourself in - so long as it's not a romance! Listen to 'hurtin' songs. You could even read books on grief.

 

You will get through this but for a while it is going to hurt like hell. Just be glad that you chose the time and that you can direct your own grieving. RESIST the urge to have him back. It won't heal the pain, it'll just delay it.

[Fancy]

Originally posted by lost_girl

I asked him whether he is ever going to break up with his girlfriend, he told me that "maybe yes". I asked him is he going to end up marrying her and he answered "maybe no"

 

That right there tells you that this jerk is playing you BIG TIME. He wants his cake and wants to eat it too. He is stringing you along with NO intention of ever leaving his girlfriend. And why should he? He's sleeping with her every night and sleeping with you too.

 

How does it feel to know you're getting the leftovers from his girlfriend? Sorry, but that's downright nasty. It would be one thing if you didn't know he was involved with someone, but you do. You've allowed him to use you and abuse you.

 

Please, please, PLEASE stay away from him. As long as you're with him your self esteem will continue to plummet. You're not pathetic. It's your actions that are pathetic.

 

I can completely understand that you're hurting and that you feel alone and afraid. However, the good news is, you have full control over this. You can dump his ass and hurt for a while.........OR........you can keep letting yourself be used and toyed with and hurt for a long, long time. The choice is yours. He's not in control of you. YOU are in control of you. Don't you think it's about time you start exerting your power over yourself?

[lost_girl]

Dear everybody,

 

Thanks for your encouragement and please please keep it coming.

 

I cried the whole nite yesterday til my eyes are raw and painful. I guess I always believe in romance stories and fairy tale endings. I always believe if you love someone hard enough, the person will love you back. I guess I am proven so wrong. In my past relationship,I have always been the one who gives and gives and never asked for anything more just for the guy to love me back. Even during my previous marriage,I have been supporting my ex-husband financially even through he is not making effort to find work. I am so sick of giving but its just me and my stupid giving character. I am a born giver.

 

I want so much for a person to love me and to allow me to lean on him at times. I don't asked for a wealthy guy or a handsome dude but why do I always getting hurt time and time again. This triangle guy had promise me never to hurt me or make me cried, I guess he went back on his words.

 

 

 

Dear Yes,

Quote: at some point, you'll get tired of crying, and will say - hey, lemme go out and do something fun. so you'll call your friends and go out, and that'll the be the start of your new life in which you'll stick to lines and avoid triangles =)

 

I am trying to move on.... I have made plans to go out with a bunch of friends to celebrate the countdown so I won't be at home brooding over him.

 

 

 

 

Dear Tony,

Quote: I think you have some issues with self esteem and assertiveness that go beyond the help that can be derived from reading some books. Get professional help...and get away from this sorry excuse for a blob of humanity

 

I do have issues with my self-esteem. Cause it has been broken and tramp on a lot of times. Yes, I do need help.

 

 

 

Dear mjk,

 

Quote: Yes...I mean the passing of some time. For you to recognize this relationship's problems and then at least try to mend your own heart is commendable indeed.

 

Really, the only "scolding" you are going to get has already been given to you by your own heart. No one can scold you more than that

 

I had my head scolding me and screaming at me whenever I feel like picking up my phone to call him or to hear his voice. Yet my heart is still yearning and waiting. I keep giving myself false hope and telling myself that maybe this break-up will wake him up and he will walk away from his girlfriend. But yet I know deep down inside inside its never going to happen.

 

 

 

 

Dear Skittles,

 

Quote: This relationship is destroying you...so whatever you feel, or think you feel, PALES in comparison to the threat it is posing to your well-being.

 

I know its destroying me slowly...Its eating up my heart and soul. That is why I had to leave him before I really lose my mind. He even ever commended that I sometimes behave like someone under depression. I am depressed cause I used to be so strong in my principles and morals til I met this guy. I never feel so trapped and gulity and so dirty. Whenever I went out with him, I feel so sad and overcome by gulit that he do have a girlfriend innocently waiting for him at home yet I am so happy, so comforted when we are together. I am so so gulity when his girlfriend came to know about us and confronted me on the phone and I all I could is to apologize to her on the phone. I am so very pathetic.

 

 

 

 

Dear moimeimei,

 

Quote: In the meantime, be good to you. Do things you like to do. Eat whatever you want. And try to distract yourself. When I'm in pain, I find good comedy helps. Try to get involved in a very good book or anything else that you can lose yourself in - so long as it's not a romance! Listen to 'hurtin' songs. You could even read books on grief.

 

I am trying to be good to myself but all I want to do right now is to stay at home. I had to put up with a happy smiling face when I am at work, I can't even vent any frustration. When I knock off from work, I just want to hole up at home on my bed and think of our past memories and reread those mesages he sent me and cried my heart out. The only good thing I do is to go to my PC and read these enouragement from you all.

 

 

 

 

Dear Fancy,

 

Quote: How does it feel to know you're getting the leftovers from his girlfriend? Sorry, but that's downright nasty. It would be one thing if you didn't know he was involved with someone, but you do. You've allowed him to use you and abuse you.

 

Frankly speaking, I don't feel a thing....Why? I am so numb from all the gulit I torture myself with. I kept thinking about his girlfriend...How sad she will be.... I kept thinking I am a burden to him when I pestered him to leave his girlfriend. I am already starting to think I am someone worthless to love.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I am so tired of crying. I wish a pair of arms could just appear in front of me to give me a warm tight hug and tell me that everything will work out just fine. I miss him every minute every second. I kept scanning in the crowd to see if he is waiting for me or following. I saw him today at work. We happen to bump into each other and I couldn't bring my head up to meet his eyes because my tears are already falling.

 

I spoke to him on the phone tonite. You must be wondering why I called him..... Two things..... I wanted to show him that I could survive without him, that I could move on so he don't have to worry about me. The second thing is that I really want to hear his voice. We didn't discuss about our relationship but mainly purely about work. Its feels so good to hear his voice.

 

I am crying again. I had to stop typing twice to take a break from my tears. I used to be strong but what has happen to me???? I am falling apart because of this guy. This guy with a live-in girlfriend who he is going to marry one day. What am I doing in the picture at all??? I feel so downright pathetic and desparate. I feel like a intruder. I feel like sh*t.

 

But I will survive and move on without him by my side loving me.

I have to. I need to. I want to.

[moimeme]

I am depressed cause I used to be so strong in my principles and morals til I met this guy. I never feel so trapped and gulity and so dirty. Whenever I went out with him, I feel so sad and overcome by gulit that he do have a girlfriend innocently waiting for him at home

 

Nobody should feel this way.

 

If you stayed with him, you would always feel this way.

 

and think of our past memories and reread those mesages he sent me

 

Bad idea. You are doing the things that people do when they are falling in love - going over and over the things which make them love somebody. You have to put his messages and everything else away or you will make yourself feel worse.

[amerikajin]

>>>It doesn't take Windows XP and a 2.4G cpu to figure out this was never going to work. How you could have ever allowed yourself to be played in this way is beyond me.<<<

 

Tony,

 

Love plays tricks on the mind. Denial can be a powerful thing. I think you called it: self-esteem issues will allow people to put up with all kinds of garbage.

 

Lost,

 

>>>I am so tired of crying.<<<

 

Then sever ties with him and be done with him - end of story.

 

>>>I saw him today at work. We happen to bump into each other and I couldn't bring my head up to meet his eyes because my tears are already falling.<<<

 

Oh no, is this an at-work relationship, too? Ouch!

 

>>>I spoke to him on the phone tonite. You must be wondering why I called him..... Two things..... I wanted to show him that I could survive without him, that I could move on so he don't have to worry about me. The second thing is that I really want to hear his voice. We didn't discuss about our relationship but mainly purely about work. Its feels so good to hear his voice. <<<

 

Two conflicting statements. If you "really want to hear his voice" you're obviously nowhere near being able to survive without him. Since you're not willing to admit it, let me clear it up for you: you called him because you wanted to talk him into leaving his girlfriend. And don't try to tell me otherwise. The sooner you admit this to yourself, the sooner you'll recover. It starts by stopping contact with him. This guy is playing you big time, and you're getting further and more tangled in his web.

 

Convince yourself that you don't need him and then decide once and for all that he's history. Good luck.