4 Months After Breakup, Continuous Contact

[littlebittle]

my ex broke up with me almost 4 months ago. he said he couldn't be in a relationship because he wasn't ready to risk getting hurt or really hurting someone (he only had one serious gf before me and they were together for 5 years when she dumped him a year and a half ago. he's still basically traumatized over this). we had dated for about 4 months. we went nc for a few weeks right after breaking up, just because both of us were crying everyday and things were too intense. we started speaking again in the beginning of november, and since then we have spoken every day. sometimes we talk 2 or 3 times a day. he is always the one to initiate phone calls, and he has set times when i can expect him to call (usually on his lunch break and then again around 10 pm). we also email everyday and we hang out every sunday.

 

i'm in my late 20's, and although i've been in a decent amount of ltr's, i've never felt anything close to the way i feel about him. i've dated really good guys, too. i've just never felt like i could get close to other people. i'm a pretty social person and i have a lot of people in my life who consider me a very close friend, but to be honest, i have always felt disconnected from most people. until now. we're just on the same page. and not only do we have this deep connection, but we have so much in common and we are so nice and sweet to one another. he is very honest and straightforward (like me), so we tend to have really good communication. we also just make each other laugh constantly. he is very protective of me and he will do anything for me. he has some issues with depression, and when he is feeling sad he comes to me and i do everything i can to support him and encourage him. at the same time, we are both independent in many ways and respect each others need for space and alone time. i feel like we're really supportive of each other and our dynamic is very positive. i think we're so right together.

 

i tried dating other people, but it's hard to go back to what i've been feeling with other guys my whole life. i'm a pretty emotional person, but almost no one sees that side of me. i also have issues with depression and anxiety, and i've had a difficult past. but everyone thinks i'm just silly and witty and fun. i'm very private. all of the guys i've been with, while nice and supportive, don't seem to understand my darker side. i started dating someone new in mid-november. he was really cute, smart, we had a lot in common. but there was just something missing, he felt like all of the guys i've dated in the past. i ended things with him because i realized i wasn't ready for anything serious.

 

i think about my ex so much. i have never had a friend like him. i've never had someone in my life who i spoke to every day, who i was able to count on in so many ways. i'd rather be his friend than not have him in my life, but i don't know if this is good for me. ultimately, i want to be closer to him. i'm not sure if he is dating other people, but i don't think he is. he is on medication that messes with his libido, and aside from that, mutual friends (including his two roommates) have told me that he is single. i get frustrated because i wish we could just be together. last weekend we hung out with my roommate (who is a straight male). after my ex left, my roommate was like, "just so you know, he DOES like you. i can tell. i think he is just scared." i'm trying not to think about it. i realized that i have my own stuff to deal with before i can get serious again with anyone. at this point i am trying to focus on myself and go back to school and not wait around for him. but it does get hard for me. i am truly in love for the first time in my life. if this is right, i don't want to lose it.

 

has anyone ever been through anything similar? what can i do? what should i do? could it ever work someday?

[sunshinee]

i'm in a similar position.we broke up 2 months ago he is still calling,we have our contact but he 'doesn't want anything serious now' :/ i understand how u feel and i''m not sure what is right for us

Edited January 15, 2010 by sunshinee

[gaudi]

I can only assume if you two are in as much contact as you say, that he must already know how you feel.

 

I've read your post through and believe you totally when you say you're on the same page with this guy, in every way.

I know how that feels. That's exactly how I am (or was) with my EX. She still broke it off. Nothing I can do about it. She knows how I feel. She made that decision, nothing I can do.

 

As he broke it off with you, the ball remains firmly in his court. I know you have said he has some issues with depression at times, I don't pretend to know too much about that type of thing.

 

Would his issues stop him from being honest about how he feels about you ?? I don't think so, but then again.....what do I know ??

[littlebittle]

Would his issues stop him from being honest about how he feels about you ?? I don't think so, but then again.....what do I know ??

 

my gut tells me that he still has feelings for me. but i know that he can't/doesn't want to be with me, and that's what matters. i think part of it is that he feels like he isn't in a positive place where he could sufficiently commit to someone. and he's probably right. he is going through so much crap that he probably wouldn't be the best boyfriend he could be if we were together, or he would always be worried about things and being too hard on himself.

 

but it is weird, because it basically feels like a relationship and i wonder if he realizes that. i don't know what to do. i know he is going through a very difficult time mentally and emotionally, and i want to be there for him. since we met, he has done so much to give me that same support, and i love him, so i can't just walk away from him.

 

i haven't told him how i feel in months, but i feel like he must kind of know. he knew i was dating someone for awhile. we hardly ever spoke about it because he seemed to get irritated when we did. actually, he doesn't even know that i broke up with the guy. i feel uncomfortable broaching the subject since we never talk about dating other people.

 

i don't know, i give up. blah.

[littlebittle]

i hung out with him yesterday and some things happened and i can't help but wonder what they mean. for the first time ever, he asked me about the guy i was dating. we hadn't spoken about the guy since maybe the beginning of december. my ex has a really bad memory, and he used to refer to the guy as "what's-his-face", so i honestly thought maybe he had just forgotten i was dating someone. yesterday he was like, "i was thinking about that guy, john, you're dating and i was wondering if everything was going well there. but i need to tell you that i'm not comfortable hearing about this kind of stuff, i just wanted to ask." i said we weren't dating anymore, and my ex told me he wasn't dating either.

 

later we got into a small argument about his ex. i don't hate her or anything, but i still get bummed out if he mentions her name. it's embarrassing that it bothers me, but it does. he almost never talks about her, but he said something yesterday and i got upset. i went to do dishes to calm down and after i came back into my room he was very upset. i apologized and said that he should be able to talk about her (or anyone he wants), and that we're not together anymore and this can't be an issue. he was adamant that he would never talk about her around me again, and that he doesn't even think about her anymore the way he used to. he was very upset that he had potentially hurt me and he felt that he had ruined our day. he said, "i don't want to do anything to hurt you. you're more important than anything in the world to me." he has told me that i'm important to him in the past, but he's never said that.

 

we also hung out yesterday from 11:30 AM to 2 AM (i didn't have him sleep over of course because that's inappropriate as friends and he would have felt the same way). i just don't know what to make of his behavior. aside from that one silly argument, we had the best time yesterday, as usual. we talk everyday of the week for an hour, and then hang out for over 14 hours and never get sick of one another or run out of things to say. we basically laughed the whole time. he did little things like poke me or tickle me, and we hugged a few times and sat close to each other, but that's about as physical as things got. he still does little flirty things like say i'm cute. we went to the coffee shop so he could write and i could do school work, and at one point i looked up and he was just watching me kind of smiling. this is making me crazy. we should be together!

[bella16]

I am in a very similar situation with my ex. I've been in relationships before, but never have loved anyone the way I love my ex. We started dating almost a year ago.. Valentines Day to be exact. We broke up almost 4 months ago and we have been keeping contact with eachother since 2 months after the breakup. Sometimes I feel like it is very unhealthy to do what we've been doing when there is feelings involved. I am 24 and he is 30. I had a very serious talk with him face to face 2 wks ago, about how I feel. We are both on the same page with things, but I want to be with him now...and he has so much going on with school, working 2 jobs and all that. I can't just be his friend..but at the same time I do not want to lose him completely. This is such a hard situation. Never thought I'd have to go thru this. When we met I didn't think it would be like this. I thought we'd last. Now I'm dreading Valentines Day, the day we had our official first date. All I want is to be with him.

 

Be careful. Tell him how you feel. I held in my feelings for too long, and I just came out and told him "We need to talk". I felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders after we talked. Good Luck with everything.

[littlebittle]

i want to tell him that i love him, but i want him to be able to figure out his own feelings. he is afraid of commitment. when he told me yesterday that i'm more important to him than anything, that was kind of a big step. in the past he has said how much he cares about me, and he sort of puts me on the same level as his best friend since junior high school (which, in itself, is pretty special because he has a lot of close friends and the fact that i'm right up there with his best friend after knowing him for 8 months really means a lot to me). but he has never put me above anyone or anything until yesterday. he is someone who is very afraid of getting hurt, and i think that he doesn't want to get too attached to anyone or anything for fear that he might lose it. he once told me that he was with his ex-girlfriend for over a year before he fell in love with her.

 

i think he has some of his own fears to overcome before we move forward, and i really hope that we are moving in the right direction. i will just continue to try to be supportive and caring and a good friend.

 

thank you so much for your input. i never thought i'd be in this position either. personally, i never even thought i'd feel this way about anyone. i really wish you a lot of luck in your situation as well

[bella16]

Every one of your posts, I feel like I'm reading about myself and my situation. I wanted to so badly to tell him I loved him the night we talked, but I couldn't bring myself to say it. He never told me in our relationship that he loved me so I didn't wanna overwhelm him. He has been hurt in the past so he is also afraid of committing. But he told me when we started dating that he wasn't getting any younger, and wanted to settle down eventually. After I let my guard down, he put his back up and it was just downhill from there.

 

Weird though, yesterday he contacted me. I kept my end short and sweet, didnt say much. But he wanted to see me lastnight, so he came over and we hungout all night, it was nice. Its odd because it feels like we never broke up when we hangout the way we do. I just want him to realize that we can make it work. I won't rush him though. I told him to just think about what I've told him and we'll go from there. Ever since, hes been the one to contact me and asks to see me all the time now. I'm just gonna go with the flow. I'm getting my 3rd tattoo next weekend and he wants to go with me while I get it done...his idea.

 

We never wanna be too pushy with someone we love. Let them sort out their issues. Don't call him, text him, or anything. I bet he will start to wonder what you're up to and he'll come around more. That is whats happening with me. Again, good luck with everything. You are not the only one in this situation. It is comforting for me to know that someone else knows what i feel like.