Skittles Posted December 29, 2003 Share Posted December 29, 2003 And folks, if I am coming across as being annoyed after reading some of the posts, it is because I am... But that's life here in the big LS. Link to post Share on other sites
VivianLee Posted December 30, 2003 Share Posted December 30, 2003 Are there any marriages out there that are happy anymore? I don't mean perfect but are there still couples past say 7 years that still have that fire and want to jump each other's bones? If my husband would cooperate, we would have that so I do know that at least one partner can feel that way but is there any cases here or that anyone knows of that their marriage has stayed ALIVE despite every day trivial things? Is it an hopeless quest? God seemed to really push the whole marriage thing so apparently it was suppose to be for good for people (not just for reproducing)....Do we have too high of expectations? I'm just so jaded from my marriage, my parent's marriage (still together after 38 years....it's all quantity no quality), my friends, the people on here.....why aren't people happy and crazy about each other after a few years of marriage...I mean I know the main reasons (children, work and familiarity) but does that always HAVE to be the case! Dang, it's just so frustrating! Link to post Share on other sites
Author quankanne Posted December 30, 2003 Author Share Posted December 30, 2003 why aren't people happy and crazy about each other after a few years of marriage? good question, Vivian! I think it has to do with growing accustomed to each other and possibly becoming complacent with the situation. People tend to forget that marriage (like all relationships) is a living, breathing thing and that you've got to work at keeping it alive. But we become complacent instead, thinking that if it's worked because I did X thing or X amount of things, it's going to work all the time just because I love this person. one of the best things that my husband (i.e. Love Monkey) and I did was to go to on a Marriage Encounter several years ago. Boy, what a wake-up call that was, because at the very beginning we were asked to write in our journals what first attracted us to our partner (physical and non-physical qualities). After having been married awhile, it's very refreshing to reaffirm what you found appealing about that person, so much that you decided to make him/her your lifelong partner. Maybe this kind of gathering (but on a 1/2 day basis, offered pretty often, so people could work it into a schedule more easily) would help couples revitalize their marriage? my other thought is that complacency can lead someone to look for excitement someplace new (like an affair). Which can be linked to my initial statement that the married person having an affair gets the best of both his/her spouse AND lover, while those two people only get half of him/her. There is no whole one-to-one relationship for any of the parties involved ... Link to post Share on other sites
Arabess Posted December 31, 2003 Share Posted December 31, 2003 Married people have affairs due to one or more of the following..... 1. Needing additional attention and affection in their life. 2. Wants to get laid by someone different....just a horny moment in time. 3. Form a crush on someone, but are basically happy at home, one thing leads to another... 4. Genuinely falls in love but doesn't want a divorce for any number of reasons. 5. Use the affair as a 'reality release'....just a break from the real world of stress and responsibilites. 6. Is married to someone who really doesn't boost their self esteem or responds sexually.....but has children they want to see grow up on a daily basis.....and the damnable mortgage.....and the joint family ties....etc. 7. Actually being an a**h*** and a player. Other than #7....any of the above hardly makes someone a monster due to the fact they had an affair. In some cases, maybe it's even honorable that they chose NOT to leave their families. Keep in mind, alot of marriages ARE very unhappy....and a whole lot of wives are too bitchy to live with in the first place. However, affairs are like driving while drinking, cheating on your taxes or lying to your boss.....EVENTUALLY it'll end up biting you in the A$$ and all you've got left is a beat up heart. At that point, if you post anywhere with your story, I think it's more thoughtful to address the broken heart than chastising them for the mess they got themselves in. Very few people who have ever been involved in an affair think "THAT was a lovely experience. I hope to do it again soon.". They KNOW it was stupid...and ADMIT it was stupid.....so, I don't feel I need to remind them of it yet again. I think it's better to be a friend they can talk to when it all falls to pieces...... Link to post Share on other sites
VivianLee Posted January 1, 2004 Share Posted January 1, 2004 quankanne, Do most people have to go through a hard time in their marriage before they realize they need to work on it? I was young when I was married so I thought "love" would conquer all. I'm 36 and battle scarred so I know that it takes work and lot's of attention. It makes me realize that couples that are going to get married need counseling BEFORE they walk down the aisle (especially if it's a first marriage) because that way they can start working from the get-go. It's something I will definitely recommend to my daughter. But then you don't want to get so technical that the romance gets smothered in all the "work"....it just boggles my mind at how hard it is to balance things. I look back now and wonder if I should have even married my husband. We're great room mates and clearly great friends but we never got the romance part quite right.....and to me that is important too...I need that...am I expecting too much?? Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted January 1, 2004 Share Posted January 1, 2004 About LOST FOR WORDS. She seems to be in defense of the whole cheating thing, which leads me to believe she is unhappy in her own relationship. I would assume she also cheats occasionally/regularly based on her comments. Link to post Share on other sites
jenny Posted January 1, 2004 Share Posted January 1, 2004 then you are making an error in thinking. opinions expressed on an online forum are simply that: written ideas. do you similarly assume that all editorials reflect the daily practices of their authors? or novels of their writers? i think, in any event, what lfw is defending is freedom of expression more than anything else. i could be wrong; she could correct me; but i think conjecturing about her personal life is unproductive, at best. back to the original post: we've just started taking our class on how to keep a couple close-knit. some of the ideas are ridiculous, but some are pretty good. i don't know how any couple with children would ever have time for these, but they work for us: a. read a book in tandem; discuss it for fun b. always have something to say about current events at dinner c. work out together d. build something..i.e. bookshelves, etc. together e. always have an event that you are looking forward to going with your spouse - i.e. library fundraiser, movie, party, whatever they mentioned that infidelity is just one of the ways that you can become half a spouse to a person; but it's the way that is most damaging becomes it changes the geometry of the match. anyway, it made me think of quank's original post. Link to post Share on other sites
VivianLee Posted January 1, 2004 Share Posted January 1, 2004 I remember watching the show "Hart to Hart" the couple they were married and had been for years and they were ALL OVER EACH other! I remember thinking, now that's a marriage! Then on Soap Operas when a couple got married, unless they were being chased all over the world by an evil nemesis, it wasn't exciting to watch the couple anymore unless an affair or something happened. Then you had the "happy yet non-sexual couples" of "Little House on the Prairie" "The Waltons" but when "Family Ties" and "The Cosby Show" came on, you saw couples having a hint of sexuality to their relationship and they really liked being together.... Have we gotten our ideas of marriage from the movies and television? I mean, I don't want to have a marriage based on how couples felt in the 1950's but it seems we expect more from a marriage.....that we should have it all, love, respect, amazing sex, happiness and friendship...all bottled up into one package... When my husband had his affair, it opened my eyes sooooo wide that it was almost as if I understood the complete answer to a happy marriage....the thing is that I was too late even though he agreed to work it out. Then after a few years I got discouraged (not an excuse just the reason) because my husband wasn't really into working on this "answer to a happy marriage" he never had been, so I turned to someone else (I'd never dreamed in a million years that I would do that, who does though?) not a relationship that would necessarily lead to a "happy marriage".....but I found the part of the package that my hubby and I had missed out on! What I'd give to go back and start all over during my dating years....I am definitely saying "If I knew then what I know now!" Dangit!! Link to post Share on other sites
bark Posted January 1, 2004 Share Posted January 1, 2004 .but I found the part of the package that my hubby and I had missed out on! That sometimes happens--the other man or other woman is perceived as being able to supply that which is believed to be missing in a marriage. Sometimes the thing that is missing is sex, other times love and affection and understanding. The problem is that if your lover provides the missing ingredient, then there's no incentive to work on or with your spouse. The affair becomes a crutch for the marriage. And when this type of crutch or maintenance affair ends, the marriage frequently does, too. Link to post Share on other sites
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