I have little respect for my mother

[OnlyJake]

I have little respect for my mother, and I feel like a complete ******* for thinking that about her. A lot of the time I do like my mother (not all the time), so that makes me feel even more ashamed about thinking this about her. I try to be patient, but sometimes it's hard.

 

One of her latest "things" that is trying my patience and making me feel completely exasperated with her is this:

 

She is 50. For the last decade she has had the same two "problems." The first is that she doesn't sleep at night (I think it's because she drinks; she passes out early and then is awake all night). For 10 years she has blamed her inability to sleep on stress and anxiety (not sure what she has to be anxious about as she is financially secure, married to a man who loves her, has a healthy family, and she doesn't have job-related stress). She whines about how she didn't sleep all night every single day.

 

Her second "problem" is her weight. She has definitely packed on a few extra pounds since she was, say, my age (well at my age she was pregnant, but I'm sure you get what I'm saying), but she is nowhere even close to approaching overweight. She is very flabby/soft, but that is because she hasn't worked out a day in her life. She eats as much junk as she wants, refuses to control her diet, and won't stop drinking. In other words, she doesn't do one single (doesn't even attempt to do one single thing) to have the body she wants. On top of that I think she needs to just accept that when you're 50 and have had children, there are certain things you just can't control, like gravity. Just accept it! She's still thinner than 67% of Americans. Yet again, every single day she whines and whines and whines about it. It's making me nuts.

 

She recently went to a doctor who told her she has faux-menopause or something like that. The doctor said she'd put my mom on the pill, but there wasn't anything else she could do (and of course I heard my mom whine for a half hour about how this 25 year old doctor didn't know anything - when I suggested she see another doctor If she felt that way, do you think she actually did? ).

 

So her new thing is she has faux-menopause, and getting a [voluntary] hysterectomy will solve all her problems; ie allow her to sleep at night (since the dr. visit she has decided this is why she hasn't slept in 10 years, not stress/anxiety) and make her thin, beautiful and youthful again. I am not kidding. She actually said "I want a hysterectomy so I can lose 25lbs." I said something snotty about people losing weight after surgery and she clarified her belief that not having a uterus will make her be able to continue to not eat healthy food or exercise and actually be thin and toned.

 

She is absurd, and I am completely out of patience with her attitude and laziness and wanting something for nothing.

[Ronni_W]

OJ,

It does sound as if your mom does not have the ability (knowledge, wisdom or skills) to create a happy and peaceful life for herself, and achieve any of her goals. I can imagine how difficult it must be for you, living with a 50-year old who is acting more like 2 -- no self-responsibility, confidence or esteem of her own; not really self-aware or self-reliant.

 

As far as influencing her to make new, wiser choices and decisions for herself...you have limited control over that. Maybe you could let her know that her behaviour confuses you, and leaves you feeling helpless and frustrated because you want so much for her to be happy but you don't know how to help. You could also ask her what are the values that she's been trying to role-model for you because, while you're sure it must be something positive, you're sorry but you're just not getting her message.

 

That is, express your own feelings and ask questions that might get her thinking about her patterns of thinking and behaviours.

 

She is absurd, and I am completely out of patience with her attitude and laziness and wanting something for nothing.

You have a lot more (100%) control over how you're choosing to see your mom, and how you're allowing her way of doing her life to negatively impact your own peace and happiness.

 

You could start changing your side of things. Instead of "absurd", try "misguided", or "lacking effective life skills", or "not a very good role-model."

When you are in a critical frame of mind, remind yourself that it is her behaviour that drives you nuts. SHE is lovable and important but how she acts leans more towards the 'dysfunctional' side of things.

Find time to be grateful for all her positive, good, nice qualities. It's also that she is teaching you how NOT to act like a grown-up. While it may have been better for her to role-model positively, in the end you're still getting exactly the same lesson that parents are supposed to teach their kids

 

For your personal development, you also have the power to choose to work on cultivating other important life skills like acceptance, forgiveness, empathy, patience, etc. Again here, your mom is your *perfect* chance for learning and practicing these.

And it sounds like you will have opportunities for LOTS and LOTS of practice!

 

I get that it's a totally exasperating situation for you, and that you would have preferred for your mom to be and act differently than the reality. But you're not helpless and powerless -- you have total control over your own perceptions, thoughts and feelings. You can make it so that "mom is just mom". You can leave her on the outside of you so that she cannot at all interrupt your inner peace and harmony.

 

Hugs and best of luck.

Edited January 16, 2010 by Ronni_W

[OnlyJake]

This is all such good advice - definitely need to hear what I need to change in this case.

 

I have recently made it a point to say one sincere, nice, appreciative thing about my mom every day, whether I say it to her, someone else, or just think it - the point is to look at the positive and focus on that. It hasn't helped as much as I thought it would, but maybe over time.

 

When she starts whining about how "fat" she is, or something similar that she has control over, but doesn't do anything to change, my reaction is to offer solutions, which I then get more frustrated about because she either makes excuses or still does nothing (although once recently she vowed to drink only on the weekends, and actually did stop drinking for 2 whole days).

 

So should I just not say anything? I can't tell if I'm supposed to say "Oh you're not fat, you're so beautiful" for the entire hour she's complaining about it, or if I'm supposed to just let her vent or what? It seems that no matter how I respond, it's not the "right" way. If I don't offer solutions she'll say "What should I do?" If I do offer solutions she'll make excuses. If I say how great she looks she just points out more flaws and says I'm wrong.

[Ronni_W]

When she starts whining about how "fat" she is, or something similar that she has control over, ... So should I just not say anything? I can't tell if I'm supposed to say

It depends. Personally I find it difficult to not say anything...even when I know that just keeping my big mouth shut would be the very best thing

 

If you do prefer to say something, just start saying something different than you used to. It doesn't really matter what, as long as its given kindly and lovingly. And you can definitely be lighthearted about it (especially if she has a good sense of humour.) These are just examples.

 

"Mom, I don't know how you want me to respond to that." And if SHE doesn't know what she's wanting or needing from you in that moment, then obviously no need for you to feel badly that you don't.

Or. "Mom, are you aware how often you say that? Is it cos you're feeling unloved or cos you're really unhappy about your weight?"

Or, with a laugh, "Wait, Ma! Let me get out my violin and box of tissues." Then go give her a hug or something.

Or. "Mom, I don't think you're fat but I get that it's your self-image. I know that you're smart enough to know that you're the only one who can change your weight and get fitter. When you figure out how you're going to do that, let me know what kind of support you'd like from me."

 

And then change the subject or walk away...make whatever would be a reasonable excuse and just leave the area.

 

Part of what's keeping your mom's behaviour in place is that she is getting the same response from you (and others) every single time -- whatever her needs about it, are being met by you (and others.)

But/so. When you change how you've habitually done it, that will have the effect of "forcing" her to change how she's been doing it with you -- she'll find a new way to try to get those same needs met.

Possibly she'll then only whine to people who still respond to her in the old way. Or she may start whining to you in a new way. In which case, you'd need to change your side of the dynamic, again.

 

You could keep in mind that you have been making your own contributions that have been supporting (enabling) the negative situation to continue. The good news about that is that, when you change your part, you shake the 'foundation'...so the whole will have to change, as well. And you can do it lovingly and kindly; with humour, empathy and grace!

Edited January 16, 2010 by Ronni_W

[OnlyJake]

Brilliant! Thank you, I'm going to start on this today!

[Ronni_W]

Good luck!

You will still need to keep lots of patience, though...it will take time for HER to get used to your new behaviour.

 

You beat me to it -- I was going to add this part:

If I don't offer solutions she'll say "What should I do?"

Just give your honest reply: "Ma, I don't have a good solution. I've already suggested everything that I can think of, and you've rejected or found fault with each one. Maybe a nutritionist or dietitian will be able to help you but *I* just don't have the knowledge. Sorry."

 

If she doesn't get it, that's really just her own misguided beliefs and lack of self-reliance.

And if, at any point, you feel like the conversation is headed nowhere (or to the same place it's always gone), just excuse yourself and leave the area. You are NOT obligated to listen to ANYone, even your mom, whine about ANYthing...they ALWAYS have 100% control about how they deal with their problems. And "whining" isn't the same as "dealing with". Right?

[OnlyJake]

I think it might, at least in part, be an attention thing.

 

I usually get breakfast or brunch with my parents on Sundays. This morning I noticed her doing something similar to my dad as I was leaving:

 

Mom (slouching against the table, pained look on face)

 

Dad: What's up hun?

 

Mom: I don't think I should drink coffee anymore, not even decaf. [Pause] I just get a headache anymore. I don't feel right after I drink it. Etc.

[background: She only drinks decaf; she's been saying she has to stop drinking coffee for these reasons for the last 5 years]

 

And it ended up being a back-and-forth where my dad would offer a solution/suggestion/alternative and she would shoot it down.

 

She refuses to drink coffee black (her excuse is that decaf doesn't taste right, and if she drank regular she wouldn't put Coffeemate in it), but apparently thinks the sugar in her Coffeemate is what makes her feel "off" and gives her a headache. She won't drink it with milk, or anything fat free, or sugar free, or half and half, or anything else. She poo-pooed all those suggestions, she can only drink coffee with full-fat, full-sugar, flavored Coffeemate. She doesn't like tea (which she does drink at night, and it's caffeinated...).

 

I can guarantee that she is not going to stop drinking coffee, nor will she stop putting Coffeemate in it. This leads me to conclude that she doesn't feel that bad; she just likes the attention from having something "wrong" with her.

 

My dad is like a saint, he is so patient.

Edited January 17, 2010 by OnlyJake

[Tayla]

Ronni! Your responses (while very wise!)are not so easy to practice, and practice is to guide us to a new way of behavior and response.

I just want to add that its okay to be realistic and acknowledge in the process of positive thinking, that being realistic and lowering the expectations of that person can also aide. Please bare in mind something I learned years ago, Never lower your standards but always readjust the expectations of others. It has been life saving when dealing with family members.

[threebyfate]

OnlyJake, why do you stay in this household? If for any reason you have to, why do you sit around for an hour, listening to this?

[OnlyJake]

Ronni! Your responses (while very wise!)are not so easy to practice, and practice is to guide us to a new way of behavior and response.

I just want to add that its okay to be realistic and acknowledge in the process of positive thinking, that being realistic and lowering the expectations of that person can also aide. Please bare in mind something I learned years ago, Never lower your standards but always readjust the expectations of others. It has been life saving when dealing with family members.

 

Good point.

 

OnlyJake, why do you stay in this household? If for any reason you have to, why do you sit around for an hour, listening to this?

 

I was living away from my parents; I recently was offered a better job that is closer to them (and too far for me to commute from where I was every day), but didn't have the time or resources to find my own place before I needed to start my new job. So I do have to stay with my parents (and I'm fortunate to have the option) until I find my own place and save enough for first month's, last month's, and security deposit - hopefully by the end of this month. Unfortunately, having recently graduated with student loans means I'm living just about paycheck to paycheck my first year working.

 

Since I'm living at home and not paying rent, I am still subject to certain household rules - such as family dinners, where seeing her is unavoidable. I suppose I also feel guilty for having to live with them until I can afford to move out yet again. She certainly lays guilt trips on me over it.

[OnlyJake]

I do see your point, TBF.