Choose!!!!!

[jennie-jennie]

But, I don't feel bad that it would be me doing his job for him, if that were the case, because ulitimately, if I can do it, I will be better off.

 

As long as we do NC for US (the OW), all is good. Doing NC should be a way to let go off the relationship, because we are better off without it.

[Hazyhead]

As long as we do NC for US (the OW), all is good. Doing NC should be a way to let go off the relationship, because we are better off without it.

 

I know I'm better off without it, it's so stressful and hurtful, but the letting go of it is hurtful too, even moreso in the short-term at least.

[Fallen Angel]

Sometimes, we forget that chosing not to pick one or the other, is still a choice. His choice right now is BOTH. It is up to you to decide if you can or can not live with that, but he has made his choice. maybe next week, next month, or next year, he will change his mind and make a different choice, but for right now, he is chosing both.

 

He knows that by chosing both he faces losing you, he knows that by chosing both, he faces losing her, apparently he is willing to face the consequences of his choice.

[whichwayisup]

He has made a decision...By doing nothing - Telling you one thing and doing the complete opposite..By doing nothing keeps you the OW. That is what he wants.. You as the OW so the A can continue. This IS what he's offering you. He may say he's going to leave his wife, deep down I think you know that isn't going to happen.

 

But I'm so afraid I'll never see him again - at the same time I want to know if that's true so that I can just move on.

 

Stop..Think.. Why are you afraid? You don't have to answer, just think about it. So you don't see him ever again - THAT is a good thing in the long run as it'll help you let go, really start your grieving process so you can heal.

 

Sure you'll miss him, miss how he made you feel, but I bet there will be a HUGE part of you that will feel relief. No more second fiddle..No more rollercoaster ride, no more settling to be second fiddle..No more pain, wondering what he's doing/thinking/feeling/. No more wondering when you'll see/talk to him next. FINALITY = Setting yourself free. Finally.

 

He likes having two women meet all his needs and his choice to do nothing just shows he's selfish, doesn't care about what this is doing to you. It's all about him.

[Hazyhead]

FA - you'e right. I think he knows that the person he faces losing most is me, as his wife is oblivious. So, that's the choice he's made.

 

WWIU - I don't want to be afraid and I do want to be free. I have to let go and I will. It's just so hard.

 

This is my lowest. It'll get better, I know.

[WhereToGoFromHere]

 

We'll get there HH, together:) xx

 

Can I come too???

 

My NC has crumbled to the ground once again. So here I am too. She'll bring it back up in a couple of weeks and hopefully that time I can say "no more". Yes, I'm weak. I know it

[Hazyhead]

Can I come too???

 

My NC has crumbled to the ground once again. So here I am too. She'll bring it back up in a couple of weeks and hopefully that time I can say "no more". Yes, I'm weak. I know it

 

 

I'm sorry WTGFH, jump in. But to use the words of... is it Richard Dreyfuss in Jaws? Anyway, whoever it is that says 'I think we're going to need a bigger boat'.

[fooled once]

We ALL have choices to make in life.

 

Some choices are harder than others; some choices hurt more.

 

If you continue to allow this, then you really give up the right to complain about it.

 

You are setting a precedence that you can't follow through, that when you say "its done" you don't really mean it, and you will allow yourself to be disrespected and lied to by him.

 

Take back YOUR power.

 

yes, it hurts, but it isn't the end of the world.

[jj33]

She doesn't know, but I never could tell. I couldn't set out purely to hurt her like that (even though I know I did by having an affair with her H). Iff I said that I think he would be a little afraid, but I also think he'd know I wouldn't really do it. You are right about him needing to make a decision. Thanks Austin.

 

Hazy honey you are missing the point. HE doesnt need to do anything. His life is just fine so long as you are going along.

 

YOU have to make a decision. Stop being passive about it. Its not up to him. Its up to you.

 

If he hasnt made a decision TO LEAVE and hasnt left, then you dont see him. End of story.

 

You will grow old waiting for him to decide at this rate.

 

Sorry guys but this is the land of the passive victim here. Oh I hope he decides et cetc.

 

Be accountable for your actions and the pain you are causing yourselves by letting these guys call all the shots. Take control.

 

Time and time again MANY women on this board decide that the MM "needs" x or needs to do Y.

Not your decision. You can only control you.

 

So step up and take care of yourself. If you wait for him to do it you will have a very long wait. He is looking after his interests, you need to look after you.

Edited January 16, 2010 by jj33

[fooled once]

Hazy honey you are missing the point. HE doesnt need to do anything. His life is just fine so long as you are going along.

 

YOU have to make a decision. Stop being passive about it. Its not up to him. Its up to you.

 

If he hasnt made a decision TO LEAVE and hasnt left, then you dont see him. End of story.

 

You will grow old waiting for him to decide at this rate.

 

Sorry guys but this is the land of the passive victim here. Oh I hope he decides et cetc.

 

Be accountable for your actions and the pain you are causing yourselves by letting these guys call all the shots. Take control.

 

Time and time again MANY women on this board decide that the MM "needs" x or needs to do Y.

Not your decision. You can only control you.

 

So step up and take care of yourself. If you wait for him to do it you will have a very long wait. He is looking after his interests, you need to look after you.

 

I totally agree!! Great post jj!

[Crazyforhim]

Save another seat on the boat for me because I might join the cruise as well.

 

My MM started going to IC a couple of weeks ago and is trying to figure out what he wants. He says it's me, but he's told her twice he's leaving and is still in the house. Anyway, the IC told him not to rush the decision because he had all the time in the world since this was such an important decision. He asked me to be patient with him....

 

I said yes your IC is right, but I don't guarantee I'll still be hanging in here by the time you make it! His wife is oblivious to all this too so her making the choice for his isn't an option. We haven't ended the A yet, but I am not putting too much effort into it right now and letting him make most of the contact.

[bittersweet memories]

HE doesnt need to do anything. His life is just fine so long as you are going along.

 

YOU have to make a decision. Stop being passive about it. Its not up to him. Its up to you.

 

You will grow old waiting for him to decide at this rate.

 

BINGO.. Great Point!

[1Angel]

If you continue to allow this, then you really give up the right to complain about it.

 

You are setting a precedence that you can't follow through, that when you say "its done" you don't really mean it, and you will allow yourself to be disrespected and lied to by him.

 

Take back YOUR power.

 

yes, it hurts, but it isn't the end of the world.

 

Best ever advice.

[Chingaling]

Save another seat on the boat for me because I might join the cruise as well.

 

My MM started going to IC a couple of weeks ago and is trying to figure out what he wants. He says it's me, but he's told her twice he's leaving and is still in the house. Anyway, the IC told him not to rush the decision because he had all the time in the world since this was such an important decision. He asked me to be patient with him....

 

I said yes your IC is right, but I don't guarantee I'll still be hanging in here by the time you make it! His wife is oblivious to all this too so her making the choice for his isn't an option. We haven't ended the A yet, but I am not putting too much effort into it right now and letting him make most of the contact.

 

Hmmmm... a question.... he has told you twice that he is leaving but never goes out the door? What, was it nailed shut? He was so close twice - I would think that the third time is a charm. I don't know your history together, so I wonder what it was that stopped him? I am curious as to what his IC's take on all this will be, and whether this is actually the time to amp up your relationship instead of letting it steep? While he has somebody to discuss his feelings with? What part did I miss?

Edited January 16, 2010 by Chingaling

[pureinheart]

I got sucked back in. I walked away after he tried to work on his marriage and twice he came to me and said he needed me and it was me he wanted to be with, blah, blah, blah, and I managed to say 'No more affair for me, thanks!' But, here I am again. I succumbed and wanted to believe him. I met with him and he told me he was telling his wife that evening. Just the meeting was enough, I was hooked again. I wanted him to do it.

 

So, he didn't. He couldn't 'at that time', but he would. Argh! I know I've been here before and I know you guys must be fed up with me saying that I know I need to walk away.

 

I just feel like he's telling me that he's chosen, but if that were the case he wouldn't still be there, regardless of whatever his reason is. It's tearing me apart because I want to be strong, but I'm weak to him. I was reading all the split-self affair on the other forum and that's him. Completely. So, there's the reason, or part of the reason, but so what? He still carries on and would even if he were to sit down, read that information, and say 'Yep, that's how I feel'.

 

I'm at a loss now. I tried to do NC, I really did, but here I am again and I feel I have less strength than the last time. I'm venting because it helps me to focus on me rather than what he's feeling, which seems to be such a big issue the rest of the time. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of feeling second. I'm just tired and I feel like that's sapping the energy I need to tell him to stop.

 

Well, you beat me to the punch, was gonna start a thread with basically the same thing....the only difference is, is he's now exMM. He's priddy much playing the same game. Hazy, I'm telling you my story for a reason, to vent myself and to possibly show you your future (can't say that for sure cuz everyones different).

 

I get sucked back in everytime, and I use those exact words....I go NC, start feeling better, and bammm there he is again blowing upo my phone begging me. This time he pulled out the guns...and used the "M" word and had a ring....I didn't bite at first, went on for a few days....

 

So we sorta get back together, not sure what you would call it, but last night I said what's up? You talked about all kinds of stuff and when we are together you act like we are aquaintances, no romantic nothing, and by the way, what happened to M and the ring? He says, that was my fault, I ruined it....excuse me?

 

I', gonna throw this on one of the boards because I need answers too....just wanted you to know you are not alone, or the only one that gets sucked back in...

[Always A Lesson]

Hazyhead, Your not alone, these A's have an intoxicating/addictive affect on us (haven't figured that part out yet).

 

I can only reiterate what I've learned in my situation, don't get involved with a Married /separated person!!!!! ( I know, it's too late) (It's all BAD BUSINESS). In my case, I got thrown under the bus, he managed to leave a message saying, "I'm sorry for the mistakes I've made". That's all, that's it. It's been NC for 3 months. I'm the better though!

 

 

This guy could not face me and tell me he went back to the W. I concluded (for my closure) is that he's a coward. I'm thinking of driving by at night to see if his car is at the W's house. I need to know if he went back, or maybe not.

 

So you see how sic these situations are, they are the worst situations anyone can be in. Oh, when I met him he said he had filed for a D and was waiting on the final decree, just to find out he never filed. But he knew how to emerge himself into my family's life, and play Mr. Perfect/gentleman.

 

Hazy, UR gonna have to dig deep and find the strength for this one, your MM seems really confused, he seems to love 2 women (they all do). UR gonna have to make his choice for your own sanity reasons.

 

I've noticed a pattern of these MW/MM as I read the threads.

1. selfish

2. chronic liars

3. chronic cheaters

4. self-absorbed

5. extremely sneaky

6. no-loyalty

7. confused

8. cowardly

9. manipulative

10.and the list goes on and on.....

 

Think about it a minute......, get past the emotionally stuff, AND if this guy chooses you, you get the door prize #1-10.

 

 

 

My best !

[pureinheart]

Save another seat on the boat for me because I might join the cruise as well.

 

My MM started going to IC a couple of weeks ago and is trying to figure out what he wants. He says it's me, but he's told her twice he's leaving and is still in the house. Anyway, the IC told him not to rush the decision because he had all the time in the world since this was such an important decision. He asked me to be patient with him....

 

I said yes your IC is right, but I don't guarantee I'll still be hanging in here by the time you make it! His wife is oblivious to all this too so her making the choice for his isn't an option. We haven't ended the A yet, but I am not putting too much effort into it right now and letting him make most of the contact.

 

And ya know what, after awile, you have nothing to give. I am the type of person that loves and really gets into relationships of all sorts, although the one we are talking of here is romantic: I will put 5000% into a R (and I guess this says a lot and answers a lot for myself), now I have put about 10% into this R, there is no drive anymore, no reason....yes I still get sucked in, but I'm not into it anymore, reason being is because he's not.

[whichwayisup]

My MM started going to IC a couple of weeks ago and is trying to figure out what he wants. He says it's me, but he's told her twice he's leaving and is still in the house. Anyway, the IC told him not to rush the decision because he had all the time in the world since this was such an important decision. He asked me to be patient with him....

 

I said yes your IC is right, but I don't guarantee I'll still be hanging in here by the time you make it! His wife is oblivious to all this too so her making the choice for his isn't an option. We haven't ended the A yet, but I am not putting too much effort into it right now and letting him make most of the contact.

 

Maybe it's me, but if a guy (husband, SO, whatever) says he wants to leave TWICE - Usually the BS says GO. How do you know 100% for he's said to his wife twice that he is going to leave?

 

See, you have ALL the power here. You are still in the A, waiting to see what he does. STAY IN NC mode and tell him he should be leaving because the marriage is ending, he wants out, reguardless if you are waiting for him or not because it really shouldn't make a difference.. A MM who plays the waiting card, usually doesn't leave unless the BS throws him out and it sounds like in your situation the wife is clueless and has no idea that he's having an affair with you.

[pureinheart]

Hazyhead, Your not alone, these A's have an intoxicating/addictive affect on us (haven't figured that part out yet).

 

I can only reiterate what I've learned in my situation, don't get involved with a Married /separated person!!!!! ( I know, it's too late) (It's all BAD BUSINESS). In my case, I got thrown under the bus, he managed to leave a message saying, "I'm sorry for the mistakes I've made". That's all, that's it. It's been NC for 3 months. I'm the better though!

 

 

This guy could not face me and tell me he went back to the W. I concluded (for my closure) is that he's a coward. I'm thinking of driving by at night to see if his car is at the W's house. I need to know if he went back, or maybe not.

 

So you see how sic these situations are, they are the worst situations anyone can be in. Oh, when I met him he said he had filed for a D and was waiting on the final decree, just to find out he never filed. But he knew how to emerge himself into my family's life, and play Mr. Perfect/gentleman.

 

Hazy, UR gonna have to dig deep and find the strength for this one, your MM seems really confused, he seems to love 2 women (they all do). UR gonna have to make his choice for your own sanity reasons.

 

I've noticed a pattern of these MW/MM as I read the threads.

1. selfish

2. chronic liars

3. chronic cheaters

4. self-absorbed

5. extremely sneaky

6. no-loyalty

7. confused

8. cowardly

9. manipulative

10.and the list goes on and on.....

 

Think about it a minute......, get past the emotionally stuff, AND if this guy chooses you, you get the door prize #1-10.

 

 

 

My best !

 

AAL, very well put....and just want to extend the door prize....in my situation (just speaking of mine, and being realistic), what do I get out of this?....hummmm a lot of pain, an even greater dysfunctional situation, exMM is cheap on top of it.

 

While going through his D he spent a lot of money....I guess in the settlement he needs to get her name off of the house so he had to pay it of and barely has enough to do that (he had a lot of money, where did it go). He said he spent it....and that I believe because he has a thrift store problem and is a hoarder (and yes you can go through a lot of money in thrift stores...he would hit all of them, at least 10 in a days time).

 

So, I'm ok financially, got my little ducks in a row, the whole nine yards. I have my cute, clean little house, with my cute little grandkids and respectful kids.

 

Let's say I get with him....I get 4 stepchildren that are not respectful, several grandkids that are haters...and I get the privilige to clean up his disaster....and the term disaster doesn't even begin to describe the actual "mess" of everything....oh and I also would have to pay my own way anyway.....I'll take DOOR #ZERO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[pureinheart]

HH, I am not sure if your heading "Choose" was meant for him, but just let me add, and to all of us going through this type of mess....

 

The replies are correct, we have the power in our little hands....it's our choice, not theirs!

[pureinheart]

Hmmmm... a question.... he has told you twice that he is leaving but never goes out the door? What, was it nailed shut? He was so close twice - I would think that the third time is a charm. I don't know your history together, so I wonder what it was that stopped him? I am curious as to what his IC's take on all this will be, and whether this is actually the time to amp up your relationship instead of letting it steep? While he has somebody to discuss his feelings with? What part did I miss?

 

I haven't laughed this hard in a long time, can barely type...

[pureinheart]

Can I come too???

 

My NC has crumbled to the ground once again. So here I am too. She'll bring it back up in a couple of weeks and hopefully that time I can say "no more". Yes, I'm weak. I know it

 

We keep hoping things will change, quite possibly they showed such a good front in the beginning and it's that what we hope to regain, plus a real relationship, without games, drama and such....

 

You know the pathetic thing...he is EXMM now and the same thing is happening....maybe some of you guys should look at what I'm still going through as a measuring stick, and that even after the D this game could go on....oh and I might add, it is all my fault according to him.

[Crazyforhim]

Hmmmm... a question.... he has told you twice that he is leaving but never goes out the door? What, was it nailed shut? He was so close twice - I would think that the third time is a charm. I don't know your history together, so I wonder what it was that stopped him? I am curious as to what his IC's take on all this will be, and whether this is actually the time to amp up your relationship instead of letting it steep? While he has somebody to discuss his feelings with? What part did I miss?

 

We went NC last Aug to try and figure out what we both wanted in terms of our M's. I figured out pretty quickly that I wanted out and left a few months later. During that time period he told her he wanted a trial separation and she talked him into going to talk with a MC a few times, but he pretty quickly decided he didn't want to work on the M.

 

Once I left I think he was pretty sure he wanted to leave too. He told her a few days before the holidays this time. (Stupid timing, yes I know). I don't know 100% that he told her, but I am pretty sure he did. She knows he and I are best friends (has even made comments to me about how close we are), but I think she tries to just deny it's more and pretend it's all in her head. Anyway, supposedly when he told her she started mentioning my name and we both could easily lose our jobs over this since we work together, so I think he decided to give her a little time to cool off before making any moves. Unless she found concrete proof, I don't think she'd ever kick him out for fear of how it might look to her friends.

 

In the past, his biggest reason for staying is his fear that she'd turn the kids against him and that he wouldn't get to see them alot. He started going to IC first of this year and I think it's clicking. IC told him research shows kids are not better off in a marriage where couples don't get along. Also the counselor has pretty much told him he thinks he has already made up his mind to leave the M. Deep in my heart I think he just wants someone independent of the whole situation to say you're thinking clearly and it's ok to choose your own happiness.

 

It's funny when you say maybe I should amp it up some, because when I back away, give less and start living life as if I'm moving on, that's when he amps it up and gets more serious about making a decision, when he thinks he's losing me.

[Crazyforhim]

Hmmmm... a question.... he has told you twice that he is leaving but never goes out the door? What, was it nailed shut? He was so close twice - I would think that the third time is a charm. I don't know your history together, so I wonder what it was that stopped him? I am curious as to what his IC's take on all this will be, and whether this is actually the time to amp up your relationship instead of letting it steep? While he has somebody to discuss his feelings with? What part did I miss?

 

Agree with Pure - that is hilarious! Maybe I should just nail mine shut for now and tell him he can't enter back in until he has papers in hand!!

 

We have plans on my birthday next week, but come first of next month I think I'll be ready to go NC and give him the space he needs to figure out his life....it will be very hard though. We've tried NC about 5 times and have broken it within a week or two every time.

[pureinheart]

Agree with Pure - that is hilarious! Maybe I should just nail mine shut for now and tell him he can't enter back in until he has papers in hand!!

 

We have plans on my birthday next week, but come first of next month I think I'll be ready to go NC and give him the space he needs to figure out his life....it will be very hard though. We've tried NC about 5 times and have broken it within a week or two every time.

 

Ok...the second best laugh!....you know do the NC when you can...I remember shortly before my exH and me broke up I knew it was over, I just asked God for a little more time to get me together, it was about a year after that request that I was strong enouph to handle it, you know many things had changed by then and was back to work ect.

 

There is always the right time for everything under this sun!!!!!