Choose!!!!!

[Hazyhead]

Hazy honey you are missing the point. HE doesnt need to do anything. His life is just fine so long as you are going along.

 

YOU have to make a decision. Stop being passive about it. Its not up to him. Its up to you.

 

If he hasnt made a decision TO LEAVE and hasnt left, then you dont see him. End of story.

 

You will grow old waiting for him to decide at this rate.

 

Sorry guys but this is the land of the passive victim here. Oh I hope he decides et cetc.

 

Be accountable for your actions and the pain you are causing yourselves by letting these guys call all the shots. Take control.

 

Time and time again MANY women on this board decide that the MM "needs" x or needs to do Y.

Not your decision. You can only control you.

 

So step up and take care of yourself. If you wait for him to do it you will have a very long wait. He is looking after his interests, you need to look after you.

 

I have been passive, stupidly thinking that I was patient he would come. I know that's insane. I've sent my last message, which is something I know I've said before, but I'm so done with this pain. I cannot allow him to hurt me like this anymore. Even when he's nice (how pathetic does that sound?) I spend the time waiting for the spanner in the works so there is no longer any time that is enjoyable. He doesn't take care of me, just himself. I'm detemined to do it and determined to get through this pain.

 

Hazyhead, Your not alone, these A's have an intoxicating/addictive affect on us (haven't figured that part out yet).

 

I can only reiterate what I've learned in my situation, don't get involved with a Married /separated person!!!!! ( I know, it's too late) (It's all BAD BUSINESS). In my case, I got thrown under the bus, he managed to leave a message saying, "I'm sorry for the mistakes I've made". That's all, that's it. It's been NC for 3 months. I'm the better though!

 

 

This guy could not face me and tell me he went back to the W. I concluded (for my closure) is that he's a coward. I'm thinking of driving by at night to see if his car is at the W's house. I need to know if he went back, or maybe not.

 

So you see how sic these situations are, they are the worst situations anyone can be in. Oh, when I met him he said he had filed for a D and was waiting on the final decree, just to find out he never filed. But he knew how to emerge himself into my family's life, and play Mr. Perfect/gentleman.

 

Hazy, UR gonna have to dig deep and find the strength for this one, your MM seems really confused, he seems to love 2 women (they all do). UR gonna have to make his choice for your own sanity reasons.

 

I've noticed a pattern of these MW/MM as I read the threads.

1. selfish

2. chronic liars

3. chronic cheaters

4. self-absorbed

5. extremely sneaky

6. no-loyalty

7. confused

8. cowardly

9. manipulative

10.and the list goes on and on.....

 

Think about it a minute......, get past the emotionally stuff, AND if this guy chooses you, you get the door prize #1-10.

 

 

 

My best !

 

What an eye-opening post. How right. I know he's far from perfect, he has plenty of issues that are separate to all of these. But add them to the mix? What am I doing?

 

There has to be better out there.

 

Thank you to all your posts. They give me strength when I feel so depleted by it.

 

Good luck Pure in Heart. Your situation also sounds painful, you've always come across as strong to me, I hope you lead your actions from your strengths.

 

Chingaling - the best to you too. If it helps your peace of mind, NC it, but only if you're ready or you'll spend all your time waiting for messages from him then willing yourself not to respond.

 

These guys are all the same. How do we fall for it? Never again.

[jennie-jennie]

I've noticed a pattern of these MW/MM as I read the threads.

1. selfish

2. chronic liars

3. chronic cheaters

4. self-absorbed

5. extremely sneaky

6. no-loyalty

7. confused

8. cowardly

9. manipulative

10.and the list goes on and on.....

 

Well, this list certainly does not apply to my MM. He is one of the most warm hearted, kindest and most gentle people I have ever met. Being with him has healed so many of my old wounds. We have a very intimate, honest and straight forward relationship where we talk about everything. He does have unfinished business with his wife, that is true, but that does not make me want to state the above as character traits of his.

 

Just saying, good people can have affairs.

[Hazyhead]

Well, this list certainly does not apply to my MM. He is one of the most warm hearted, kindest and most gentle people I have ever met. Being with him has healed so many of my old wounds. We have a very intimate, honest and straight forward relationship where we talk about everything. He does have unfinished business with his wife, that is true, but that does not make me want to state the above as character traits of his.

 

Just saying, good people can have affairs.

 

Good for you JJ I think my xMM is a good man, but he does have some of these traits, as I think I did when I first started this affair, but I couldn't deal with them so I acted upon it. He hasn't because he is still married. I think to be in an affair you can't be completely above every single one of the things in the list.

 

Sometimes good people can have negative qualitlies too. In fact, I think everybody does. We are made up of a mix of feelings and emotions but it's how we deal with those behaviours that make us who we are.

[jennie-jennie]

Good for you JJ I think my xMM is a good man, but he does have some of these traits, as I think I did when I first started this affair, but I couldn't deal with them so I acted upon it. He hasn't because he is still married. I think to be in an affair you can't be completely above every single one of the things in the list.

 

Sometimes good people can have negative qualitlies too. In fact, I think everybody does. We are made up of a mix of feelings and emotions but it's how we deal with those behaviours that make us who we are.

 

There is a difference in my opinion between a character trait and a behavior. To have an affair you have to lie, hide things and be unfaithful, but that does not mean that these are character traits of yours. In fact is it not the unwillingness to break the vow by getting a divorce, to be illoyal by leaving the wife, that gets many MM into this mess to start with?

[Hazyhead]

There is a difference in my opinion between a character trait and a behavior. To have an affair you have to lie, hide things and be unfaithful, but that does not mean that these are character traits of yours. In fact is it not the unwillingness to break the vow by getting a divorce, to be illoyal by leaving the wife, that gets many MM into this mess to start with?

 

I agree with this and I think this is part of the reason for the massive internal conflict - acting not in accordance with your own beliefs. They may act with a sense of loyalty in not divorcing the wife, but it's a skewed sense of loyalty if they still act against the marriage vows. Outside of the marriage they are also disloyal to themselves if any of what they tell the other woman is true, which I think applies to you JJ, this man obviously loves you, but he does act with some disloyalty somewhere. Everybody within affairs follows, at some point, some of the behaviours in the list. But this doesn't make them bad people.

[jennie-jennie]

My MM was the good husband and father. They were the perfect couple and the perfect family. He always put family before himself. He works hard and provides for the family.

 

Never would he have seen himself as someone who would have an affair. Now that he does, how to come to terms with this?

 

It is fair to say that his identity has had to change during the affair, the person he perceives himself to be has changed. He is a different person now than when he started the affair. And he likes that person, despite the guilt the transformation has carried with it.

 

I think it is fair to say that an affair is a life crisis. A life crisis can bring about change. Through the pain it causes can come something beneficial. It depends on what you do with it.

 

So the truth is, that even if we end our relationship now and my MM goes back to his marriage and lives happily ever after, he is a different person. Our relationship has changed him on a profound level. His wife will never get him back the way he was.