Should I marry a girl 15 years younger

[alec]

I'm in my earlier thirties, single and looking. I've never been able to marry anyone so far largely because I've been somewhat unfortunate in that sphere. I've been very much in love twice but on both occasions, it couldn't work out. Life has a way of making things impossible. It was nothing I did..just plain bad luck and I remain friends with both.

 

Currently, I'm working with someone who's under me and who's completely flipped her lid for me. She's attractive and has a youthful charm that I like. The trouble is that she's a good 15 years younger than me. She's not on my wavelength intellectually. I'm well-to-do while her family isn't. Her family isn't particularly cultured either. Her three-year-old relationship is now on its last legs. Just the fact that a girl almost half my age is nuts about me is well..a sort of kick..she is somewhat conservative and if I were to just seduce her..it would leave a bad taste..I've never believed in saying anything I don't mean in relationships. I never promise the earth just to drag a girl into bed. She finds me very attractive and I believe that because honestly I am attractive.

 

We've been dating, going out et al..she's been lying to her boyfriend (two-timing?). We've never had sex. She has an innate honesty I like. Her family is not doing too well and she has occasionally talked about this. She's uncomfortable lying. I can read her expressions when she's worried or upset or whatever even when she's smiling. I'm not sure she would fit in very well with the family because of the differences. I keep meeting girls who're closer to my age and who're complexed, career-obsessed, compulsive smokers/drinkers, haggard or unattractive or simply not my type. Most would agree to marry me if I spent a few weeks with them. I don't booze, smoke, am very ambitious, well to do and am looking for someone who can look after the home while I bring in the bacon.

 

I'm just unsure here because our communication isn't all that hot. Everything I talk, I 'dumb-down' a little so the point hits home but that happens with so many people I interact with. At the same time I've long given up trying to find someone who can match my intellect. Anyone like me and closer to my age would be pursuing a successful career and be ambitious usually. She seems hassle free and a nice person. At the same time I'm not in love with her as I was the last two times but I think I'm past that sort of thing now. The only thing I can expect is to find someone from a more wealthy background but I don't give a damn about that. I'm a successful professional and look forward to growing. I'm worried about our communication though she has shown signs of growing as a person and reading. Yet girls often fake these things to please me. She's a fast learner too. Yet, I don't think I can tolerate her family and in our culture, families are always hovering in the background.

 

At the same time, having a young wife who loves me seems too good to be true, in the long run. What after ten years when I'm forty plus and balding and she's less than thirty yet. Won't she envy her friends and their husbands? What if she's in it only for the financial security? What if we can't communicate very well in the long run? She's going to miss out on a regular education and will probably have to do a long distance education course. This could be a source of regret for her later. She's barely out of her teens although very mature for her age. What would you do? Please give me your objective opinion about the situation. I don't want to go ahead with her just because there are no sensible options at this point. I would rather stay single. Do you think this has potential in the long run or should I just let it go?

[Devil Inside]

You can see more reasons not to marry her then to marry her. Why are you so conflicted? What are you afraid of giving up here?

[alec]

I'm sorry for this, but you need the kick in the pants I'm about to give, it's for your own good.

I appreciate your honesty

 

Your reasons for marrying this poor girl are absolutely pathetic. You don't connect intellectually. You don't like her family. You encourage her to two-time her boyfriend even when she seems unsure.

That relationship was in her last legs when she met me. We've known each other for a couple of months.

 

You like her because you can be sure she's not going to emasculate you and be the bread-winner (I'm reading into: "am looking for someone who can look after the home while I bring in the bacon.") You want someone to look after the home while you can pursue a career.

I live in India where this is quite socially acceptable. She would be thrilled with such an arrangement as would be most of her friends.

 

You want a young wife who will still be beautiful when you're long past it.

Far from it. In fact this thought makes me insecure.

 

You want a trophy wife you can show off to your friends.

Marrying her may be a social embarrassment in some ways but I don't care much about the opinion of others.

 

Even though your mental age seems about 15 judging by your requirements for a wife, you two are worlds apart.

Not really. I'm in India where my requirements are quite ok. It's one of the reasons we have a low divorce rate but that's for some other time.

 

I'm guessing her family would not agree with this

They would do cartwheels.

[alec]

You can see more reasons not to marry her then to marry her. Why are you so conflicted? What are you afraid of giving up here?

She's young, pretty, uncomplicated, a good learner, wants to grow in personality, would make an excellent homemaker and is apparently in love with me.

[LucreziaBorgia]

If you marry her, make sure you have an ironclad prenup.

[Ronni_W]

Yet, I don't think I can tolerate her family...

Do you think this has potential in the long run or should I just let it go?

I think that the reason you posted here is because you KNOW that it has no potential in the long run. That is, you KNOW that it will be a loveless, joyless union, with difficulties and frustrations from start to end.

 

Also. You say that you're in your "earlier thirties" and this child is about 15 years younger.

I know that the average 'acceptable' age of a first-time bride can vary greatly, depending on one's culture. But. A mature, 33-year old man marrying an 18-year old girl still strikes me as...well, how about we just use the word "desperate"?

 

Are you really as desperate as it comes across in your post that you're feeling?

[alec]

@Ronni_W

 

I agree that I'm myself quite skeptical about the prospects of this union. So I've posted here. To consider me 'desperate' would be incorrect in my opinion. I meet girls who want to marry me, almost every week. I could marry any of them if I just chose to. Trouble is most of them are into boozing, smoking, career-obsessed or haven't looked after themselves well enough for me to find them attractive. This one has me really attracted in many ways beyond just chemistry.

[threebyfate]

Straight up alec, you sound like a troll. But if you're not and you're honestly a man from India, asking for relationship advice on a site primarily populated by North American, British, European, a few Asian country and Australian members, is like myself, a Canadian asking for relationship advice on an Indian site, primarily populated by Hindus. It makes zero sense since the cultures are like night and day.

[Devil Inside]

I agree with three that there may be some cultural differences to consider. I know most Westerners, including myself, think you should marry someone that you are in love with. However, that may not be the case for you.

 

So from what I have read there are reasons on both ends of the decision. You like the idea of being with a woman that is attractive, uncomplicated, and someone that is fresh and open to new experiences. You also have the feeling that in many ways you two will be very compatible as you and she will be in a similar mindset as far as roles in the marriage. On the other hand: you are not on the same wavelength intellectually, you have issues with communication, you do not like her family, you have concerns that in the future she will resent the sacrifices she made to be with an older and established man, you don't love her, and I sense that you do have questions about her intentions in marrying you.

 

A lot of ambivalence there my friend. I would say that you truly do not know what you want to do. You are stuck.

[stillafool]

Alec, why do you have to rush to think of marrying this girl if she is not what you want. You have not said that you are in love with her so therefore do not marry her. Can't you wait for a woman who is closer to your age (because you want this), closer to your intellect, family has money as yours, etc., and all the other things you are looking for in a wife? Why do you rush? Please don't destroy this girl's life by putting her in an impossible situation. Let her find a man who loves her equally and feels that she fits into his world.

[zebracolors]

Marrying her may be a social embarrassment in some ways but I don't care much about the opinion of others.

 

You must care something of the opinion of others. Or you would not have posted here. But if you came for honest opinions as to your topic's question, well you're getting them. But you need to be willing to consider them too.

 

I understand you have cultural norms, but consider that this girl maybe only has a crush on you because you possess subjective qualities that can be considered attractive(experience, confidence, wealth). She's what? 20, 21? Most girls that age don't know that much about love yet and being able to tell it from a crush, I certainly didn't. And it also comes down to if she even has a choice in that, and I will not presume since I don't know what culture you and her are or anything about it.

 

So the culture and the deception aside, you asked us what we would do, what you should do. But I think you've answered your own question.

 

This could be a source of regret for her later.[/Quote]

 

No one can tell you of course, but it almost seems obvious to me.

[sweetbaby23]

Yet, I don't think I can tolerate her family and in our culture, families are always hovering in the background.

 

if you cant tolerate her family or culture, you cannot tolerate her. point blank. thats her whole entire backround. everything thats built up to be who she is today. it will never work out for you.

 

maybe you should be a little more open and welcoming, then there may be a chance.

[Kizzyfur]

You should let this young lady find someone who loves her as much as she loves him.

 

You seem awfully dispirit and maybe that is why you are unable to find true love.

[make me believe]

You need to find somebody your own age and leave this CHILD alone. You are in your 30s and I'm guessing she is a teenager. What are you thinking? Women in their 30s are not all "haggared" and "career-obsessed" but it sounds like you just want a young girl who you can show off in public and then stash away at home to take care of the babies & make your dinner. You describe career-oriented women as a hassle and obsessed. You clearly have issues with successful women who are interested in doing more than cleaning your house & raising your kids.

 

She's been lying to her boyfriend.

 

She has an innate honesty I like.

 

Really? An innate honesty? It doesn't matter if her relationship is "on its last legs". She is still lying to her boyfriend! If she wants to be with you, why doesn't she do it the HONEST way and end her relationship completely first?

 

This whole situation is just creepy.

[alec]

I would like to thank from the bottom of my heart Devil Inside, LucreziaBorgia, threebyfate, stillafool, zebracolors and sweetbaby23 for their valuable insight into my situation. Never in my life have I posted a question about my personal life in a forum before and you have been more helpful than anyone.

 

I'm surprised that make_me_believe and Ronni_W seem to think I'm 'desperate'. If I was desperate I would be marrying the first woman who came along, not considering marrying an 18 year old beautiful girl who's in love with me. I already outlined my background and my fear that she may be looking for financial security. I'm in a position to pick and choose. I don't see why that should be resented by anyone.

[WalkInThePark]

She's young, pretty, uncomplicated, a good learner, wants to grow in personality, would make an excellent homemaker and is apparently in love with me.

 

Djeezes, where is the love??? I think you don't know what love is. You look at a marriage like a business transaction. Marry someone because she is an excellent homemaker? YUK! Don't get me wrong. I myself am a woman with a good career (which is not the same as being a career woman) and despite having little time for it, I am a good housekeeper. But I wouldn't want a man to marry me because I am a good homemaker. It sounds like "she'll make a good slave".

 

You are talking about her like you are talking about a project. Well, I guess she sees you as a good "sponsor".

 

All this might be common in India and divorce rate might be low but how many people, especially women are very unhappy in their marriage and don't divorce because it is not acceptable for women to ask for a divorce...

[WalkInThePark]

@Ronni_W

 

I agree that I'm myself quite skeptical about the prospects of this union. So I've posted here. To consider me 'desperate' would be incorrect in my opinion. I meet girls who want to marry me, almost every week. I could marry any of them if I just chose to. Trouble is most of them are into boozing, smoking, career-obsessed or haven't looked after themselves well enough for me to find them attractive. This one has me really attracted in many ways beyond just chemistry.

 

I think you are not looking well enough or maybe have such unrealistic standards about the appearance of women. I can imagine that there must be a couple of intelligent, pretty women of your age with a career who enjoy life without being eternal partygirls, who crave to meet a good handsome man who wants to start a family.

[seibert253]

She's cheating on her boyfriend, and lying to him. Yet, you find honesty in her. See where I'm going with this.

 

OK, do you think she will reserve this "honesty" for you when in 5 to 8 years she gets bored, and someone else "more interesting" comes along?

 

I don't. I think you'll find yourself right where her now boyfriend is.

 

IMO you need to pass on this one.

[SummerLady]

I'm in my earlier thirties, single and looking. I've never been able to marry anyone so far largely because I've been somewhat unfortunate in that sphere. I've been very much in love twice but on both occasions, it couldn't work out. Life has a way of making things impossible. It was nothing I did..just plain bad luck and I remain friends with both.

 

Currently, I'm working with someone who's under me and who's completely flipped her lid for me. She's attractive and has a youthful charm that I like. The trouble is that she's a good 15 years younger than me. She's not on my wavelength intellectually. I'm well-to-do while her family isn't. Her family isn't particularly cultured either. Her three-year-old relationship is now on its last legs. Just the fact that a girl almost half my age is nuts about me is well..a sort of kick..she is somewhat conservative and if I were to just seduce her..it would leave a bad taste..I've never believed in saying anything I don't mean in relationships. I never promise the earth just to drag a girl into bed. She finds me very attractive and I believe that because honestly I am attractive.

 

We've been dating, going out et al..she's been lying to her boyfriend (two-timing?). We've never had sex. She has an innate honesty I like. Her family is not doing too well and she has occasionally talked about this. She's uncomfortable lying. I can read her expressions when she's worried or upset or whatever even when she's smiling. I'm not sure she would fit in very well with the family because of the differences. I keep meeting girls who're closer to my age and who're complexed, career-obsessed, compulsive smokers/drinkers, haggard or unattractive or simply not my type. Most would agree to marry me if I spent a few weeks with them. I don't booze, smoke, am very ambitious, well to do and am looking for someone who can look after the home while I bring in the bacon.

 

I'm just unsure here because our communication isn't all that hot. Everything I talk, I 'dumb-down' a little so the point hits home but that happens with so many people I interact with. At the same time I've long given up trying to find someone who can match my intellect. Anyone like me and closer to my age would be pursuing a successful career and be ambitious usually. She seems hassle free and a nice person. At the same time I'm not in love with her as I was the last two times but I think I'm past that sort of thing now. The only thing I can expect is to find someone from a more wealthy background but I don't give a damn about that. I'm a successful professional and look forward to growing. I'm worried about our communication though she has shown signs of growing as a person and reading. Yet girls often fake these things to please me. She's a fast learner too. Yet, I don't think I can tolerate her family and in our culture, families are always hovering in the background.

 

At the same time, having a young wife who loves me seems too good to be true, in the long run. What after ten years when I'm forty plus and balding and she's less than thirty yet. Won't she envy her friends and their husbands? What if she's in it only for the financial security? What if we can't communicate very well in the long run? She's going to miss out on a regular education and will probably have to do a long distance education course. This could be a source of regret for her later. She's barely out of her teens although very mature for her age. What would you do? Please give me your objective opinion about the situation. I don't want to go ahead with her just because there are no sensible options at this point. I would rather stay single. Do you think this has potential in the long run or should I just let it go?

 

I think you met some women in your age range that were not good fits and now your generalizing. There are many women in their early thirties that are attractive and successful. If your worried about aging women good luck as they all age even the 20 year olds. You need to find someone that you can be friends with, someone that you are mentally stimulated by, attracted to and love. Marriage is a long time. I married someone I honestly would have not been friends with if we were not together as a couple. Looking back that was a big mistake. We did not like the same things and his intellect was not very complex. His background was not similar to mine my parents are well off, his were not. The relationship was empty and not fullfilling. He was way hot and had a very good job making good money but at the end of the day he was still himself and we did not make each other happy. You sound like you are wanting to find that special someone and looking for a its ok go for it. I say no. Keep looking you will find her....Good Luck.

[Joe Normal]

If it flies, floats, or fornicates - rent it. It'll work out cheaper in the long run.

[bigcsw]

You need to think about the future. So when your 70 she will be 55 full of life and will not be too excited about having an old man for a husband. This will put a ton of pressure on the marriage and I think will be a problem.