How do you do it?

[LisaUk]

How do those of you who have never blamed themself for your spouse leaving or have but have realised it wasn't your fault, stop blaming yourself?

 

All I seem to do is go round in circles looking for the reason he left which always brings me back to the conclusion it was all my fault, maybe it was.....man I'm depressed.

[alphamale]

How do those of you who have never blamed themself for your spouse leaving or have but have realised it wasn't your fault, stop blaming yourself?

 

All I seem to do is go round in circles looking for the reason he left which always brings me back to the conclusion it was all my fault, maybe it was.....man I'm depressed.

there are no clear-cut answers to subjective questions like these

[11bgentleman]

How do those of you who have never blamed themself for your spouse leaving or have but have realised it wasn't your fault, stop blaming yourself?

 

All I seem to do is go round in circles looking for the reason he left which always brings me back to the conclusion it was all my fault, maybe it was.....man I'm depressed.

 

Lisa,

 

Try not to get down. I try to keep my mind busy and not think about it. I know this is not the right way to go but I am an avoidance type of person.

[trippi1432]

How do those of you who have never blamed themself for your spouse leaving or have but have realised it wasn't your fault, stop blaming yourself?

 

All I seem to do is go round in circles looking for the reason he left which always brings me back to the conclusion it was all my fault, maybe it was.....man I'm depressed.

 

Lisa,

 

There is always going to be blame somewhere by both parties, but the fact is, if you are too busy looking for blame...how are you learning about you? Instead of looking for the reason, accept that there is not always a reason that YOU are responsible for in every situation.

 

Question - Do you have to change yourself because of his opinion? No, the next person should love you for you and no other reason. If you are constantly trying to change you for him, how can you be anything to anyone else and how can you ever be true to yourself?

Edited January 17, 2010 by trippi1432

[Gunny376]

What is your major malfuntion?

 

Its NOT that he was too good for you?

 

Its that you were too good for him!

 

He"s projected all of his insecurties upon you!

 

Who is going to Law school? Its so not him!

 

Come on Lisa! Its not that you failed him?

 

Its he that failed you! He failed "us"

 

Its not that you couldn't measure up to him? Its that he couldn't measure up to you!

 

Your SAS, British Marines, "Killer Elites" while he's the "Home Guards"

 

YOU didn't fail him!

 

HE failed YOU!

[HeavenOrHell]

I shouldn't reply here as I HAVE blamed myself a lot, but I also blame him. People keep saying don't blame yourself-it takes two, and my ex says that to me too, so maybe I'm lucky in that respect, hearing it from him.

BUT hearing him say please don't blame myself doesn't help me because it makes me think ok then maybe he didn't leave just from my neglect, maybe there are other reasons, and that depresses me as I feel there's definitely no hope for us then if there are other reasons beyond my control. Makes me feel that I'm not worth loving anymore etc etc.

If he left purely because of my neglect it makes me have a bit of hope that it can be rectified.

I go around in circles constantly trying to decide whether to keep on seeing him or not, it truly does your head in.

From what you've said, although I haven't seen all of your posts, the problem was mainly with him as he's a CP.

What do you feel you did wrong, if anything?

I admit I made mistakes, but I'm only human, we all screw up.

 

 

 

How do those of you who have never blamed themself for your spouse leaving or have but have realised it wasn't your fault, stop blaming yourself?

 

All I seem to do is go round in circles looking for the reason he left which always brings me back to the conclusion it was all my fault, maybe it was.....man I'm depressed.

[LisaUk]

I shouldn't reply here as I HAVE blamed myself a lot, but I also blame him. People keep saying don't blame yourself-it takes two, and my ex says that to me too, so maybe I'm lucky in that respect, hearing it from him.

BUT hearing him say please don't blame myself doesn't help me because it makes me think ok then maybe he didn't leave just from my neglect, maybe there are other reasons, and that depresses me as I feel there's definitely no hope for us then if there are other reasons beyond my control. Makes me feel that I'm not worth loving anymore etc etc.

If he left purely because of my neglect it makes me have a bit of hope that it can be rectified.

I go around in circles constantly trying to decide whether to keep on seeing him or not, it truly does your head in.

From what you've said, although I haven't seen all of your posts, the problem was mainly with him as he's a CP.

What do you feel you did wrong, if anything?

I admit I made mistakes, but I'm only human, we all screw up.

 

 

Because I'm not sure he is CP, he has never admitted it he has blamed me for everything, so although I have read a lot about it and his behaviour and actions seem to fit, a part of me always doubts it and continues to search for answers.

 

Here are some quotes form his "explanation for leaving me" e-mail, I feel kind of afraid to post these, if I am honest. I am terrified of what people will think of me and the pain I will experience when I have to accept that he left b/c I was controlling, just like he said. I didn't know I was being controlling at the time, but I guess expressing my opinions and asking him to respect them was, as he said I forced them upon him and asked him to live by them.

 

"Since being single I have done a lot of thinking and

> continue to do so. I have never had a chance to be single

> before so I am learning a lot about myself and so that's why

> you are hearing different reasons for what I did."

 

"Stag dos, motorbikes, me going out with

> friends etc. All smallish things but when put together

> over a long time period (most of which had been your opinion

> for as long as I've known you), they add up. I think this

> had the effect that over time my feelings for you became

> less as I knew inside that we weren't compatible."

[giotto]

I think this

> had the effect that over time my feelings for you became

> less as I knew inside that we weren't compatible."

 

 

there you go... he came to realise that you weren't compatible... not your fault... not his fault... it happens. These things take time. I realised myself I wasn't compatible with my wife only last year, after 23 years together... relationships make you blind, you can't see what's in front of you and very often you don't even want to see... you are a good woman, Lisa, stop torturing yorself...

[tojaz]

Let me translate for you Lis

 

"Since being single I have done a lot of thinking and

> continue to do so. I have never had a chance to be single

> before so I am learning a lot about myself and so that's why

> you are hearing different reasons for what I did."

I am learning that I am not mature enough or prepared to be in a committed relationship so i will continue to look for reasons that will make it easier for you to accept and leave me smelling like a rose.

 

"Stag dos, motorbikes, me going out with

> friends etc. All smallish things but when put together

> over a long time period (most of which had been your opinion

> for as long as I've known you), they add up. I think this

> had the effect that over time my feelings for you became

> less as I knew inside that we weren't compatible."

I want to be able to do what i want, when I want, and how I want without being required to take your or anyone elses feelings into account. (sound familiar Lis)

TOJAZ

[Steadfast]

Lisa, late one terrible, dark afternoon my wife told me 'It isn't you, it's me'.

 

We, of course all know what that means. It's you, or in my case, me.

 

Over the separation, I'd watch my wife hug and kiss our kids goodbye, then leave with a passing 'See you later' directed towards me as she walked towards the door. No kisses for me, no hugs. They were missed, I was not missed. Her kisses, hugs and affection were for someone else.

 

It was me.

 

When I finally accepted that she missed everything in her life except me, that painful journey was rewarded with real freedom at the end. See, in all respects the biggest damage -personally- was to my ego. That's what hurt most. Not the cheating, not the rejection, not the abandonment or failure. Once I learned to accept and deal with the fact that it was 'about me' I was humbled. Once my pride was dealt with, the healing began and joy slowly crept back into my life. After some time, my attitude became 'so what?' It was almost funny, the jokes I'd make to myself. But, the loss of my pride and ego allowed me to come back through, and with it the ability to love.

 

The first time another woman looked into my eyes with desire, my thought wasn't a 'I got her!' feeling of conquest like it was in the past, but instead 'she likes me!' There's a huge difference and it my real problem. People aren't conquests to control, they're people seeking a love that's returned.

 

More than anything, it was this change that my ex noticed. Not too long ago she stopped by to 'see the kids' but spent the whole time talking with me. I listened and responded in kindness and concern. Gone was the fear, anger and bitterness that was fed by my damaged ego. She hugged me -tightly- and swayed us together like we were dancing. I whispered 'seems you missed me' as she backed away. She responded 'I have...I've missed you so much I'm going to hug you again' and she did, her eyes tearing.

 

Gone was her husband, replaced by the man she fell in love with.

 

What Gunny said once is worth repeating; We search deep inside for answers to why and end up discovering ourselves in the process.

[Steadfast]

 

there you go... he came to realise that you weren't compatible... not your fault... not his fault... it happens.

 

 

I'll only buy this reasoning if we're talking about couples who are dating. After all, isn't that what dating is all about? To see if you're compatible?

 

If we're talking about long-term married couples, then the reasoning stinks. Full of holes. 'It happens' is a cop out that allows us to break our promises and vows, and supports cheating, lying and abuse as normal behavior.

 

No sell-

[LisaUk]

Gittio, whilst I take your point about incompatability I do think 18 years or in your case 23 years is a ridiculously long time for someone to take in figuring out if they are comaptible with someone. At the end of the day incompatibility is just saying you can't be bothered to work things out with your partner to reach a compromise that is acceptable to both of you. In my case, I compromised my feelings and opinions so that he could have what he desired and I could have a bit of what I needed, I thought he felt the same way, but it appears he resented having to make that compromise as the below quote will illustrate-

 

Since being single I feel liberation - for the first time

> in my adult life I don't have to think about someone else.

> I'm not saying I didn't like caring for you because I did.

> This is a different experience though and I'm enjoying just

> looking after myself. I can say what I want without

> worrying about offending a partner who may have a strong

> difference of opinon with me. I can do what I want when I

> want. I know this would change if I ever found a partner

> again as a relationship is all about compromise so maybe one

> day I will have to do that again. But for now, I want to

> remain single.

 

But he still put the boot in didn't he?

[LisaUk]

I'll only buy this reasoning if we're talking about couples who are dating. After all, isn't that what dating is all about? To see if you're compatible?

 

If we're talking about long-term married couples, then the reasoning stinks. Full of holes. 'It happens' is a cop out that allows us to break our promises and vows, and supports cheating, lying and abuse as normal behavior.

 

No sell-

 

Thank you, that was my point but you said it better than I could have. 18 years, 8 years engaement, 10 years living together and a wedding being planned......no, he'd had plenty of time.

[tojaz]

Gittio, whilst I take your point about incompatability I do think 18 years or in your case 23 years is a ridiculously long time for someone to take in figuring out if they are comaptible with someone. At the end of the day incompatibility is just saying you can't be bothered to work things out with your partner to reach a compromise that is acceptable to both of you. In my case, I compromised my feelings and opinions so that he could have what he desired and I could have a bit of what I needed, I thought he felt the same way, but it appears he resented having to make that compromise as the below quote will illustrate-

 

Since being single I feel liberation - for the first time

> in my adult life I don't have to think about someone else.

> I'm not saying I didn't like caring for you because I did.

> This is a different experience though and I'm enjoying just

> looking after myself. I can say what I want without

> worrying about offending a partner who may have a strong

> difference of opinon with me. I can do what I want when I

> want. I know this would change if I ever found a partner

> again as a relationship is all about compromise so maybe one

> day I will have to do that again. But for now, I want to

> remain single.

 

But he still put the boot in didn't he?

 

Yes Lisa, he resnted it, but not because of anything you did so much as he wasn't able to commit. He wants to worry about himsel and have things his way. You were at a point where you were ready for a commited relationship, but he wasn't.

TOJAZ

[Alpha Centauri]

Hi Lisa strictly speaking I should not reply either as I do blame myself but your words stuck a chord so I hope you dont mind.

 

Also some excellent adivce from people on here.

 

Initially when my wife of 5yrs told me it was all over I constantly blamed myself (I still do) however as time passed I realized that in a marriage both parties are responsible. In my case I shoulder the majority of blame but she acknowledge she should not have kept silent for so long either.

 

My sister-in-law put in very nicely and simply. She said:

 

"Marriage is like a motorbike. If one wheel falls off the bike takes a tumble and you end up on the roadside" It take two to affect a relationship.

 

I am learning to do this myself but I too will advise you: dont beat yourself up Lisa. When you dwell on things like this your mind tends to escalate them...like turning a volume knob....before long your mind is agony wondering going over every inch of the past. Take a deep breath and try not to dwell on it. You have got your own life ahead of you now.....Im in the same boat in that respect.

 

Have you seen The Incredibles? In that the character Edna says something which I picked up on as it helped me in my situation:

 

I never look back, darling. It distracts from the now.

 

Hope that helps you. Look forward Lisa.

[LisaUk]

Yes Lisa, he resnted it, but not because of anything you did so much as he wasn't able to commit. He wants to worry about himsel and have things his way. You were at a point where you were ready for a commited relationship, but he wasn't.

TOJAZ

 

But we were already in a commited relationship, we owned a house togther, had joint bank accounts, had been together 18 years, lived together 10 years, he had asked me to marry in 8 years prior, h**l I was the beneficary of his life insurance and works death benefit, he was a benificary in my parents will, if that's not commited? It just makes no sense and how can I possibly look to the future when I cannot put the past to rest?

EDIT What I am trying to say is how can I move past this when I don't know why it happened? I am in a constant state of anxiety that I was the cause of this, how will I not repeat my mistakes? How can I accept that I am controlling, or that I am unworthy of being loved, not good enough, it hurts to think that I hurt him. How can I ensure that I am good enough in future relationships, how will I know if the other person is unhappy, b/c I didn't know this time? How will I ever be able to trust that someone will not abandon me again? How will I ever be able to relax or enjoy a relationship when I will always be waiting for them to disappear?

 

Why does he not realise or care what he has done through his actions? I HATE MYSELF.

Edited January 17, 2010 by LisaUk

[tojaz]

But we were already in a commited relationship, we owned a house togther, had joint bank accounts, had been together 18 years, lived together 10 years, he had asked me to marry in 8 years prior, h**l I was the beneficary of his life insurance and works death benefit, he was a benificary in my parents will, if that's not commited? It just makes no sense and how can I possibly look to the future when I cannot put the past to rest? The definition of commited is different to different people, some are commited by living together, others bound by marriage, still others always see divorce as a back door and will never be willing to be 100% commited.

EDIT What I am trying to say is how can I move past this when I don't know why it happened? I am in a constant state of anxiety that I was the cause of this, how will I not repeat my mistakes? How can I accept that I am controlling, or that I am unworthy of being loved, not good enough, it hurts to think that I hurt him. How can I ensure that I am good enough in future relationships, how will I know if the other person is unhappy, b/c I didn't know this time? How will I ever be able to trust that someone will not abandon me again? How will I ever be able to relax or enjoy a relationship when I will always be waiting for them to disappear?

Lisa, you are not controlling! You didn't hurt him, all those things he said were just to help him save face and shift blame......justification. He may not even know why he feels the way he does. All you can do is be you and find someone that loves you for it, not for what you Could be but for what you already are! Otherwise, your living a lie!

 

Why does he not realise or care what he has done through his actions?

Because he is a selfish a$$ he spells it out plain as day in the quotes you posted

 

Lisa, quit hating yourself, time to hate him!

TOJAZ

[LisaUk]

What he said in those quotes was that he did not want to marry me or be with me b/c I forced my opinions on him and was controlling. As for commitment, he led me to beleive that we were making a life together for always. As for finding someone else who wants me for me, well I thought I had and I was wrong so I guess I will never be able to trust again, I'll always be waiting for them to leave. To be completely honest I think it would be better for me to stay single, I can't take this again, I'm struggling right now, most of the time I think it would be better if I just did away with myself, if someone could do what he did to me then I can't be worth anything, garbage, he treated me like garbage after all those years togther, so that's what I must be, really there is no point to me being here anymore, it's been 10 months and it's not getting any better, I don't want to keep fighting anymore, I've had enough.

[tojaz]

Lisa, why punish yourself for what he did to you. Yes he treated you badly, yes he treated you like garbage. Thats him doing that though, it has nothing to do with you! This man does not define you, you can exist, thrive, and flourish without him. Your doing that, going to school and rebuilding your life, in the end, once you have healed, you will see that you actually were the strong one.

TOJAZ

[tojaz]

Check your PMs Lis.

[LisaUk]

Lisa, why punish yourself for what he did to you. Yes he treated you badly, yes he treated you like garbage. Thats him doing that though, it has nothing to do with you! He's a good person, everyone thinks so, so it must be me in the wrong. He did this to me b/c I deserved it, b/c I wasn't good enough for him and didn't make him happy, b/c I am nothing.This man does not define you, you can exist, thrive, and flourish without him. Your doing that, going to school and rebuilding your life,No I'm not, I'm living with my emotional abusive, controlling mother, with no personal space, not even allowed to wash my hair without permission. I'm so unhappy. I was so d**m happy with him, with our lives together and now I know I will never feel happiness again b/c this pain is never going to leave me. I have no life. in the end, once you have healed, you will see that you actually were the strong one.Yeah, I know I was the strong one, that was the problem.

TOJAZ

..........

[tojaz]

..........Lisa, why punish yourself for what he did to you. Yes he treated you badly, yes he treated you like garbage. Thats him doing that though, it has nothing to do with you! He's a good person, everyone thinks so, so it must be me in the wrong. He did this to me b/c I deserved it, b/c I wasn't good enough for him and didn't make him happy, b/c I am nothing.This man does not define you, you can exist, thrive, and flourish without him. Your doing that, going to school and rebuilding your life,No I'm not, I'm living with my emotional abusive, controlling mother, with no personal space, not even allowed to wash my hair without permission. I'm so unhappy. I was so d**m happy with him, with our lives together and now I know I will never feel happiness again b/c this pain is never going to leave me. I have no life. in the end, once you have healed, you will see that you actually were the strong one.Yeah, I know I was the strong one, that was the problem.

TOJAZ

I don't think hes a good person Lis, quite the opposite in fact. Should he and I ever cross paths, I'd imagine i'd have quite a few words for him, all of wich would be seen as ***** here! I know your not happy with your current situation, but your doing what you can to move forward and enduring what you have to, thats strength and being a strong independent woman should never be a problem!!! To be honest I missed that when my ex lost it.

TOJAZ

[nobmagnet]

Lisa darling

 

Gin??

 

Hey babe he wasnt for you. You are a strong and wonderful woman. He couldnt cope withyour stength. You have an oppion and you should always feel comfy expressing it. To me he is weak. let him Sail his ship.................I am telling you he will get bored with it soon unless he is a Narsassist.

 

You are going to make some man sooooooooooooooooooooo happy one day.

 

Nob xx

[LisaUk]

Well I don't want to be a strong women who he couldn't cope with then, what in the h**l does that say about me, that I was so head strong I drove the love of my life to jilt me? Why in the h**L would I want to be a person capable of that? That means I drove him away by being me, which is what I have been saying all along, IT WAS MY FAULT.

[tojaz]

Well I don't want to be a strong women who he couldn't cope with then, what in the h**l does that say about me, that I was so head strong I drove the love of my life to jilt me? Why in the h**L would I want to be a person capable of that? That means I drove him away by being me, which is what I have been saying all along, IT WAS MY FAULT.

 

It says he was too weak to cope with a woman with her own mind, her own opinions, and her own hopes and dreams. I personaly wouldn't want a woman who wasn't. Why the hell would you want to be under his thumb!!! Is it worth becoming a slave to his opinions just to have him back. Thats not worth it. It would never be worth losing yourself to love him! and anyone who was truly worth while wouldn't ask you to.

TOJAZ