How do you do it?

[phineas]

I blamed myself.

Then when she started blaming me for HER affair I started to reconsider my stance.

 

Then when I found out how soon into the marriage she was cheating I stopped blameing myself.

 

I made mistakes. But enough mistakes that would make her online date a little over a yr into our marriage & continue to cheat for the next 3 yrs even after I confronted her multiple times with my suspicians?

 

sorry, there are issues there I had nothing to do with.

[LisaUk]

Hi Dgirl, thanks for posting you offer a lot of insight and it helps, even when I find my experiences have been different from yours, what you post about your experiences always helps me to clarify my thoughts.

 

I allowed myself to be completely dependent on another, I should never have allowed myself to be so dependent, so complacent, substituting one person's opinion for my own, and losing myself to please another.

 

I was dependant only in the sense that I was sick, and obviously that was not a choice on my part. I may have backed down, but I never changed my opinions or substituted his opinion for mine. I wanted him to be happy and I strove to find a compromise, if that was impossible b/c he would not and it was so important to him, b/c I loved him, I would set my personal feelings aside, but I always retained my opinion.

 

I was never complacent about the realtionship, I worked hard at our relationship, unfortunately, he did not and I often felt I was the only one of us that made the effort or put in the work that is essential to make a relationship work. I also valued him and told him how much he meant to me, everyday.

 

Going through a breakup like this, you lose your innocence about love and happy ever after. But you also lose your complacency and you become more conscious. You don't automatically assume that everything will work out because it always does in the fairy tale.I don't beleive in fairy tale happy endings, I have never been under that illusion. I have always born in mind that relationships require work and compromise, my only illusion was assuming that another would afford me the same respect... In your next relationship, you put more work and thought into it. ...and that is why I think, (99% decided), that I will not get into a relationship with anyone again. I think given what I now know about human nature, you can't trust anyone and to be honest, love and the good parts of that, just aren't worth it.