I am getting better at not obsessing/comparing, but I could do with a reality check..

[Thinkalot]

Well, things between my partner and I have been very loving and close through the xmas period, since all the sh*t hit the fan a bit over a week ago, when my bf's patience with my ongoing insecurities/obsessions with the past (his ex-wife and so on) etc simply ran out. The thought of losing each other, reminded us again of the strength of our love and all that is at stake, and seemed to purge some tension away. We are working on my issues together and feel "in love" again.

 

Meanwhile, I have started on anti-depressents, we have spoken together to a friend of ours who is a counsellor and used to take our meditation classes, and I am seeing a new psychologist this week. I am also reading books on how to stop worrying etc.

 

So far so good. When thoughts/questions come in to my head (as they still do often) I just talk them away, think of the present and the positives, or else walk away from my bf until they pass. Alternatively, I explain to him how I am feeling (rather than bombarding him with questions) and he is then able to be more understanding and supportive.

 

I guess the reason I am posting is because I feel like this helps keep me on track, and right now I could do with some reinforcement. I am loathe to keep asking my friends and family for advice and reassurance and thought you guys may be able to help!

 

I had a kind of panic attack (I get tight in the chest and a knot in my stomach and feel sick when these thoughts come in strongly sometimes...when I start to obsess about my bf's wedding day etc) when his ex-wife sent him a text message yesterday. They rarely speak and it was simply a message to let him know that her Grandpa had passed away. He was with her nearly 10 years in total, and therefore quite close to her family. That fact in itself, I find intimidating (owing to my own self esteem issues etc)...all those years together and ties with the families etc... and the knowledge that if he is able to , he will go to the funeral and see them all. I know that is an honourable thing for him to do, I just find I feel weird and outside the loop somehow, even though rationally I know it's not a loop he's in any more!

 

His ex is also a very spiritual person and speaks of "loving" people, in a non romantic sense. Therefore her text said "HI sweetheart (she calls lots of people this)...hope your xmas was great. Darl, pop died, so I am coming down...I love you and will let you know when the funeral is". My bf showed me the message ( I asked what is said) and I still found that seeing the words "I love you" and "sweetheart" etc made me feel funny and reminded me of their years of intimacy. My bf told me she means it in a "love you as a person" sense, a spiritual thing. She is now happily living with someone else, and I know she has no residual feelings for my partner. I expressed some sympathy over the death and left the room until I calmed down and put it in perspective.

 

I am concerned however, that it may bite me again, especially is he sees her soon (if he can make the funeral). I need to keep it in perspective and thought some words of advice here may help keep me in line!!

 

Thanks very much.

[moimeme]

If he wanted her, he would not be living with you. He is not going to abandon you. You actually spend more time thinking about his past than he does!!!! How often do you dwell on earlier boyfriends, your first time having sex, etc. etc. How wistful are your flights into memories? If they're not at all, then you should be able to understand that his are not.

 

There is always the possiblity that you dwell on your past with fond nostalgia and that's why you think he does the same....?

[Thinkalot]

Thanks. I don't dwell, so I guess, neither does he!

[Kat]

If he still wanter her he would still be with her He is with you. He has moved on to bigger and better things. I know the insecurites you talk about and have felt the sickness in the stomach oh to well. But have you ever looked past those feelings and to where they came from?

 

Mine came from my ex, so everytime I started to think or let my mind wander, I would just tell myself that he isn't my ex. I know where my problems came from and how I was treated and I know that this isn't now, but in the past.

 

As soon as you find the source of your bad thoughts, concerns, and insecurities the closer you are to controlling them.

 

Remember, you will never get over anything, but you can learn to take control of your own life again and stop the emotions running it for you

 

Good luck

[meanon]

You successfully dealt with this latest situation on your own. Instead of worrying about how you may react next be confident that you have the resources to deal with the problems as they arise. The most significant factor is your psychological outlook - be positive and you will succeed, be anxious and you will feed feelings of low self esteem. I would strongly advise that you set a time limit on dealing with these thoughts. So just as last time, deal with it responsibly getting a minimum of help from your bf (using friends, therapist, LS instead), defeat the thought with logic, and then (most important part) - resist the temptation to go over and over it again - just push it away. People often think an obsessive thought will go away if they go over it one more time - in fact the ruminations feed the thought. You're doing really well and I get the impression you reacted really well to what would at one time have been a major trigger to conflict with your bf. There is no reason why you can not continue to do well.

[Thinkalot]

Thanks for the continued support meanon! Being positive about my ability to defeat this is certainly very important! I know I can do it!

[meanon]

LOL Thinkalot. Sorry was I a bit too over the top?!?

[Thinkalot]

No meanon I don't think you were over the top at all! I was being genuine...talking positive, even on this damn computer, all helps! Sometimes I get so anxious/down that it can't just be fixed overnight, it really does help to remind myself, and tell myself, that I can beat the little demon thoughts which pop into my head.

 

It's the first time I've used an internet forum like this, and it suprises me how supportive it can feel, even though we are all just names and words on the screen.

[meanon]

Yes it's my first forum too and I've been really surprised at how it seems possible to make a difference and (just as important ...) make friends using a medium like this, with all the limitations of text, anonymity etc. Long live LS!

[Thinkalot]

Something which I find difficult with the way my mind obsessively asks questions...is that I no sooner seem to deal with one set of questions/worries, and put them to bed, when another set jump right in and take their place...! I am learning how to deal with them when they come in, and talk them away and stop it ruining my relationship etc etc...but it is tiring I guess,when new thoughts pop in.

 

I am looking forward to them decreasing even more, as I continue to take control of them. I am also hoping the anti-depressants I have started will help calm things down in my head a little (they are supposed to help with this kind of thought process).

 

Overall though, with the love and support of my boyfriend and family and networks like this, things are getting better.

[meanon]

I can relate to that - my friend who has OCD once told me that she knew she was scraping the worry barrel when she started worrying about having cancer. Her "baseline" worry if you like. This brought home the fact that she never stopped. As I mentioned previously, a combined programme of CBT and medication worked completely for her after years of battling with this problem. Hope the new treatment works for you too.

[lana]

i was just curious what type of medication works for this type of problem? about the funeral. does your partner have kids with his ex? if not i would wonder why he carries on with her through any type of contact. my current SO was going to go to his ex girlfriends dads funeral a few years back, and i told him if he did to just keep going. i know that sounds harsh but i felt she really had not place in our present. he chose not to go and even went further and told her not to call him anymore. that made me feel very good. and i did not put it iin anyway that was an ultimatum, i simply told him that if he wants to be a part of her life or have her in his life, that i was not able to deal with it. i told him also that i would not tell him what to do but i could not deal with this and beause of that reason alone i wanted to set him free for fear of him having resentments towards me later in life. he chose on his own, his own decision and i was very happy that he did so. if ex's have kids together then i can see continuing to be a part of their life, but in my own opinion i think an ex has no place in anyones current relationship. good luck with it all and i hope he would see that too.