Sexless marriage - how common?

[cuppa]

We are married for 7 years and together for 11 years. In the past 9 years, our sex life dwindles to nothing. In general, it's probably once every 3 mo

 

He's not cheating on me and he's not into porn either. He told me that he's just not a passionate man. I asked him this morning if he's passionately in love with me and he said I love you but I'm just not that way.

 

Now about me, I had this doubt even before we were married. I am very passionate and affectionate and though I take rejection very well, I didn't realize that it builds up inside and once in a while, I get into some sort of depression.

 

I've got about 2 or 3 big meltdowns in 8 years, the last one was last November, I couldn't move and couldn't stop crying for a week and I have to seek therapist to stitch me back up together. I took off work from 2 months and even now, I feel like I'm not the same person anymore. We are trying to work it out but I don't know how much energy I could spend and how I can come to term with it, to accept him the way it is, for better for worse, the way we do our marriage vow.

 

I also want to have children. I am 33 years old and he's 35, with our frequency, it's so difficult for me to get pregnant and I lose hope that I will get there.

 

We tried marriage counseling but he doesn't like it to the point where we fight everyday up to the moment of the appointment. A few of my friends encourage me to find happiness on my own (this is including trial separation) but every time I look at him, my chest hurt because I do love him. I resent that I have to see a therapist for this issue, I hate that I have to constantly fix myself, to control my libido, to lower my expectation.

 

If you are in the same boat, please share your experience. What do you decide and what is the outcome? How can I prevent future meltdown because I don't want to go through another episode like last November.

Edited January 17, 2010 by cuppa

[Jeff1962]

Sigh. Sadly, many of us are right there with you. I don't know what to tell you. I cannot even help myself over this same issue. I just have to accept it because I do love my wife.

 

Am I happy sexually? No, I am not. It's not just the sex that I miss, it's the bond, the closeness that goes with sex that I miss the most. The coming together of our minds. Know what I mean?

 

I could not cheat on my wife. Her opinion of me means very much. I love her and I know that I can be an a** but I could not hurt her or our family in this way. To me, this trust is sacred.

 

So, what do you do? Masturbate? That only goes so far for so long. Do you leave in hope of finding happiness with another? If you do, then you have to deal with the love that you leave behind because you are still in love.

 

I wish that I had the answers because I would share them.

[giotto]

I have no recommendations or suggestions either, although I would say that you are still young and, if you really want children, you shouldn't waste any more time ...

 

I've fallen out of love with my wife because of this issue and all the related problems... I'm staying for the children... good luck!

[Toodamnpragmatic]

You do not really say one good thing about your husband and yet you say you love him passionately and he doesn't. You talk about children and he doesn't care enough about you to start a family, which #1 requires havingsex when you are ovulating so you can get pregnant.

 

I could go on and on, but he obviously does not care enough about anything, including letting you go into severe bouts of depression and not ignoring your pleas for MC..... And you want to stay married...... WHY!!!!!!!

 

Wake up and get out......

[BlueeyedJonesy]

Is your H taking any medications? I took Prozac for one month and my sex drive just about disappeared! I stopped taking it. There are so many medicines out there that effect your libido...just throwing that out there.

[HeyThere]

 

Now about me, I had this doubt even before we were married. I am very passionate and affectionate and...

 

cuppa, you didn’t elaborate on this doubt of yours, just that you’re passionate and your husband is less now. Has this always been the case?

 

What are some of the differences (religious, cultural, social…) and how do they impact the relationship? Do you think some of these differences affect your husband’s sexual desire and disinterest in counseling?

[cuppa]

You do not really say one good thing about your husband and yet you say you love him passionately and he doesn't. You talk about children and he doesn't care enough about you to start a family, which #1 requires havingsex when you are ovulating so you can get pregnant.

 

I could go on and on, but he obviously does not care enough about anything, including letting you go into severe bouts of depression and not ignoring your pleas for MC..... And you want to stay married...... WHY!!!!!!!

 

Wake up and get out......

 

I have a list, he has his strengths and his shortcomings. His strengths:

 

1. He's loving in a lot of other ways. When I got sick, he would cook and prepare my favorite soup. 3 weeks ago, I couldn't get contact lens out of my eyes, he woke up at 3 AM in the morning and drove to the nearest pharmacy to get eye solution.

 

2. He's responsible financially and this is important to me.

 

3. He lets me to do what I wish, not controlling at all. He doesn't like to go out but he will make compromises. I can go for drinks with my girlfriends and sometimes he even offers to be designated driver, including picking me up at 3 AM in the morning from a concert or a friend's house.

 

His weakness:

 

1. He's not passionate with me and he told me again last night that he's just not that way but he wants to work it out with me. He said he loves me and he said there was a period where I was cold to him (during one of my meltdowns) and because of this, it's hard for him to be affectionate to me.

 

2. He doesn't want to have children but he said he will do it for me. I don't know what to make of this.

[cuppa]

cuppa, you didn’t elaborate on this doubt of yours, just that you’re passionate and your husband is less now. Has this always been the case?

 

What are some of the differences (religious, cultural, social…) and how do they impact the relationship? Do you think some of these differences affect your husband’s sexual desire and disinterest in counseling?

 

The first 2 years, we couldn't keep our hands of each other. At some point, we did it everyday and then 1 or 2 times a week.

 

He's from conservative family but not religious. we did live together for 3 years before we got married. I think from my side, I went through a lot of changes in my 20s and 30s. We are both asians and counseling is not something that is very common in our culture. When he agreed to do the first counseling, a lot of my friends told me that he must love me so much for him to agree with it. I guess, the idea of talking to a stranger and pay a lot of money for it, it leaves a huge dent into his pride and values.

 

Also, there are 2 sides of me: I am sweet, cute, ambitious, good personality, friendly, career oriented, and loyal. That's what he loves the most about me. But I also have a party girl persona that I suppress when I am with him. I love red wine and drink socially, love to dance, love to go to wine bars, love to go to concert, love to travel, love to make new friends, love to do new things. This part, he doesn't like it but he tolerates it. I could go with friends to do all these and he trusts that I know my limits are (which I do).

 

Even in the beginning, I always initiate things (even when we do it everyday). One day, I felt that I want to feel wanted and desired so I stopped initiating and wanted to see how he responded. This is the start of the pattern, this is when I realized that we could go on weeks without it and he didn't ask for it. we also were in a long distance relationship for 2 years before our marriage, this was when things became really bad (my first meltdown). When he moved in with me after our long distance, I realized that I am not the same 21 year old when we were crazily in love.

 

I feel like I'm rambling...not sure if this is helpful at all but I really thank you for trying to help a stranger like me in this forum. Hope you have a wonderful day.

[cuppa]

wow this is really unfortunate

 

possible problems

 

1) he is gay ?

 

2) low testosterone?

 

possible solutions

 

1) testosterone therapy, it seems like he may have a health problem

 

2) Explicitly telling him how you feel, and leave nothing out, and don't stop until all parties come to terms with the lack of sex and what to do about it

 

I mention about maybe doing checkup but he doesn't want to talk about this. He's very aware about my feeling, it's a huge elephant in the room. Last night, he said he will work on it and I have a huge question that I need to answer, can I accept him the way he is and not continuously harp on this issue (including meltdowns)? I don't know how to answer this.....

[kakui215]

I've had the same issue with my wife for years. I had never thought of myself as a very passionate person, but after going so long with so little affection and sex with any sort of passion on her part, I finally began to realize that at least some degree of passion is necessary for us to have and keep any sort of intimate bond. It's not that I didn't know that at all during our first few years together. I would try to talk to her about such issues, but she always resisted and typically reacted with anger. I will never forget coming home during the first week after our wedding filled with longing to hold and hug and kiss and make love to my new wife, but when I tried to move toward anything sexual, she made it clear that she wasn't interested. When I tried to figure out what the problem was and discuss it with her, she responded, "We just made love last night! All you ever think about is sex!" That hurt, and even though it was never "all about sex" for me, I was so full of hangups and the Catholic guilt I had grown up with, that I could help feeling guilty and then backing down. I didn't know myself well, and I didn't really understand marriage, love, sex, etc. very well at all.

 

Obviously, I woke up and finally started trying to understand more about these sorts of issues much, much later than I should have. By the time I finally began to take action and realize that I should not just allow my wife to dictate what sort of relationship we should or should not have, we had already been together for many years and had had 4 kids together. But through those years when I would try to talk to her but back down too quickly when she (predictably) resisted, I AT LEAST tried to discuss it. What hurts the most when I think about it is just how little she would try herself.

 

We've actually made some real progress over the past 20 months, but it's been a roller coaster ride. She tries much more than she ever did before, but it still seems like she resists far more than I would expect of someone who committed herself to marriage so deeply that she even kept having kids with me.

 

I'm not sure if how clear my main point in this post is coming through, so I'll try to restate that: We might never have exactly the sort of romantic, passionate love between us that I would like to see, but I would have a much easier time accepting that if I saw that she was at least trying as best she can to understand the issues and seriously consider my own opinions and feelings. Instead, it too often seems like she is trying to figure out the minimum amount that she has to do in order to keep me from bringing the topic up.

 

By the way, you might not e that cultural differences have been a major factor in our situation: she is Japanese and I am American.

[cuppa]

I've had the same issue with my wife for years. I had never thought of myself as a very passionate person, but after going so long with so little affection and sex with any sort of passion on her part, I finally began to realize that at least some degree of passion is necessary for us to have and keep any sort of intimate bond. It's not that I didn't know that at all during our first few years together. I would try to talk to her about such issues, but she always resisted and typically reacted with anger. I will never forget coming home during the first week after our wedding filled with longing to hold and hug and kiss and make love to my new wife, but when I tried to move toward anything sexual, she made it clear that she wasn't interested. When I tried to figure out what the problem was and discuss it with her, she responded, "We just made love last night! All you ever think about is sex!" That hurt, and even though it was never "all about sex" for me, I was so full of hangups and the Catholic guilt I had grown up with, that I could help feeling guilty and then backing down. I didn't know myself well, and I didn't really understand marriage, love, sex, etc. very well at all.

 

Obviously, I woke up and finally started trying to understand more about these sorts of issues much, much later than I should have. By the time I finally began to take action and realize that I should not just allow my wife to dictate what sort of relationship we should or should not have, we had already been together for many years and had had 4 kids together. But through those years when I would try to talk to her but back down too quickly when she (predictably) resisted, I AT LEAST tried to discuss it. What hurts the most when I think about it is just how little she would try herself.

 

We've actually made some real progress over the past 20 months, but it's been a roller coaster ride. She tries much more than she ever did before, but it still seems like she resists far more than I would expect of someone who committed herself to marriage so deeply that she even kept having kids with me.

 

I'm not sure if how clear my main point in this post is coming through, so I'll try to restate that: We might never have exactly the sort of romantic, passionate love between us that I would like to see, but I would have a much easier time accepting that if I saw that she was at least trying as best she can to understand the issues and seriously consider my own opinions and feelings. Instead, it too often seems like she is trying to figure out the minimum amount that she has to do in order to keep me from bringing the topic up.

 

By the way, you might not e that cultural differences have been a major factor in our situation: she is Japanese and I am American.

 

I know exactly what you mean. I think what hurt the most was that he could play sports for hours (he's quite fit and I'm quite fit myself) but he can barely spend 10 - 20 mins with me in bed. I sometimes don't mind when he didn't finish (I didn't say anything), the foreplay will be good enough for me but it still hurts to think that he's really forcing himself to make love to me.

 

Last night, someone pointed out this fact (he could play basketball for 2 -3 hours but he could barely spend time in bed with me) and I was crying for hours, I don't know why this hurts so much. I don't know if it's any consolation, but at least, you two have children together while for me, I don't know if it's a possibility. I'm 33 and he knows this, but I also sometimes feel that he doesn't try hard enough, just like you said. It hurts so bad.....

[HeyThere]

 

1) he is gay ?

 

2) low testosterone?

 

I agree, with this thinking. The sex has dropped off substantially on his part for some reason and he seems unconcerned (?) about it and/or annoyed that you bring it up, as though you are touching a sore subject. What is bothering him about this line of questioning?

[giotto]

I've had the same issue with my wife for years. I had never thought of myself as a very passionate person, but after going so long with so little affection and sex with any sort of passion on her part, I finally began to realize that at least some degree of passion is necessary for us to have and keep any sort of intimate bond. It's not that I didn't know that at all during our first few years together. I would try to talk to her about such issues, but she always resisted and typically reacted with anger. I will never forget coming home during the first week after our wedding filled with longing to hold and hug and kiss and make love to my new wife, but when I tried to move toward anything sexual, she made it clear that she wasn't interested. When I tried to figure out what the problem was and discuss it with her, she responded, "We just made love last night! All you ever think about is sex!" That hurt, and even though it was never "all about sex" for me, I was so full of hangups and the Catholic guilt I had grown up with, that I could help feeling guilty and then backing down. I didn't know myself well, and I didn't really understand marriage, love, sex, etc. very well at all.

 

Obviously, I woke up and finally started trying to understand more about these sorts of issues much, much later than I should have. By the time I finally began to take action and realize that I should not just allow my wife to dictate what sort of relationship we should or should not have, we had already been together for many years and had had 4 kids together. But through those years when I would try to talk to her but back down too quickly when she (predictably) resisted, I AT LEAST tried to discuss it. What hurts the most when I think about it is just how little she would try herself.

 

We've actually made some real progress over the past 20 months, but it's been a roller coaster ride. She tries much more than she ever did before, but it still seems like she resists far more than I would expect of someone who committed herself to marriage so deeply that she even kept having kids with me.

 

I'm not sure if how clear my main point in this post is coming through, so I'll try to restate that: We might never have exactly the sort of romantic, passionate love between us that I would like to see, but I would have a much easier time accepting that if I saw that she was at least trying as best she can to understand the issues and seriously consider my own opinions and feelings. Instead, it too often seems like she is trying to figure out the minimum amount that she has to do in order to keep me from bringing the topic up.

 

By the way, you might not e that cultural differences have been a major factor in our situation: she is Japanese and I am American.

 

your story is very similar to mine... the only difference is that we had sex very often at the beginning and for the first 10 years of our relationship... the things changed and I don't know why. She wouldn't say. I put too much pressure on her and that was it. We never got it back. The damage was done. I'm Italian, she is English and I'm catholic too... surprise, surprise...

[cuppa]

I agree, with this thinking. The sex has dropped off substantially on his part for some reason and he seems unconcerned (?) about it and/or annoyed that you bring it up, as though you are touching a sore subject. What is bothering him about this line of questioning?

 

I wished I knew the answer. We went for a drive last night and he asked me for a break, for not talking about this for a day or two so I did. But I did tell him that I need to give him a list and I want him to do the same for me. He said he wants my list but he won't give me his list. In my list, I want to list out things that I think I can't live without:

 

1. Understand the source of the lack of affection in our marriage

-> If it's physical, we will both go for a check up

-> If it's mental, we both need to agree on the issue so I know exactly what we are working on, because once every 3 or 4 months at our age (in fact, it started since I was 25) is not common.

 

2. The children issue

-> after we get to 1, I want his full commitment in doing this together.

 

I also want to put a deadline, if he doesn't want to take action on #1 and #2 then I think I am leaning toward trial separation. I don't want to turn 34 and have another meltdown. I will need a lot of therapy to get over him but at least, I do what I could to save this marriage and give myself a chance for happiness.

 

I am hoping I could talk about this in a few days....after giving him a much needed break in this "sore" topic.

Edited January 18, 2010 by cuppa

[HeyThere]

He doesn't want to have children but he said he will do it for me. I don't know what to make of this.

 

I think the picture is in better focus – sex creates children (at least it used to). If your husband is opposed to children and knows how much you want them, there is the dilemma. He’s very much in love with you and doesn’t want to hurt you in any way, but knows deep down that he doesn’t want to be a father. This makes sense – both of you love each other very much and are very caring partners.

 

Why would you want to have children with someone who is opposed to being a parent? It is hard enough to raise children with two loving spouses committed to having a family.

 

Wow! Keep us informed.

Edited January 18, 2010 by HeyThere

[She's_NotInLove_w/Me]

I am sorry, but how can you know he is not intimate with someone else... He plays basketball for 2-3 hours at a time. What a great excuse if there ever was one to spend time with someone else (male or female, who knows).

 

Mid 30's should be a fabulously intimate time of your lives. Both of you should want and need sex with one another on a (somewhat) regular basis. If not, you only have two options, at least the way I see it:

a) lay it all out on the table, and if both of you agree to see a sex therapist and attempt to get that part of your relationship back, then you can make a go of it; or

b) cut bait, and move on.

 

The fact that you do not have kids as yet is a blessing in disguise, believe me.

 

Most relationships I know of where the sex had faded / decreased / stopped, either rebounded to a higher sense of togetherness and love (after working these things out), or, unfortunately ended (and often not very amicably)...

[Toodamnpragmatic]

after 8 months on this site.... I read these posts, other responses and just want to band my head against a wall......

 

Cuppa, I'm sorry..... Give him a short time frame to get his cr@p together and get out.

 

I am going to be shallow and nasty..... He could have a myriad of excuses, he could be cheating (though the #'s are much lower then expected), he just may be a selfish jerk, he could be gay....... But you said it, you are a passionate exciting female. You enjoy life, like to socialize and as said I am shallow and noted that you said you are a physically fit female, thus should I say attractive and at the age you can meet someone who will be what you want in a mate......

 

I hate to say dump him, but you sound like you deserve better.....

[cuppa]

after 8 months on this site.... I read these posts, other responses and just want to band my head against a wall......

 

Cuppa, I'm sorry..... Give him a short time frame to get his cr@p together and get out.

 

I am going to be shallow and nasty..... He could have a myriad of excuses, he could be cheating (though the #'s are much lower then expected), he just may be a selfish jerk, he could be gay....... But you said it, you are a passionate exciting female. You enjoy life, like to socialize and as said I am shallow and noted that you said you are a physically fit female, thus should I say attractive and at the age you can meet someone who will be what you want in a mate......

 

I hate to say dump him, but you sound like you deserve better.....

 

So In your opinion, there is no hope in marriage when one is not sexually compatible with the other? I always wonder how important sex is and I am wondering if anyone has made it in their marriage without getting this part reconciled. I know I'm not the only one. I have another female friend (who is also fit, sexy, and drop dead gorgeous - she's only 29) who is in the same boat (almost same story as mine - together for 11 years).

 

We would share each other's misery once a week over a glass of wine. It's so eerie on how similar our situations are. Could it be that majority of marriage, after 11 years together, become passionless as her husband says that the newness wears off and it's harder for them to reignite the passion? Even when their wives are still as beautiful as they first time they met them?

[cuppa]

 

Most relationships I know of where the sex had faded / decreased / stopped, either rebounded to a higher sense of togetherness and love (after working these things out), or, unfortunately ended (and often not very amicably)...

 

do you know for those who make it, how they rebound to the higher sense of togetherness? I can tell that my husband is really trying. We went to a fancy restaurant 2 nights ago and I dressed to kill for him (and the past 3 months, I was so into exercises that I know my body is even better compared to our wedding day). Afterward, at home, he started groping me and I thought we would do it and thought he was on the mood too (and frankly, after 2 glasses of champagne, I was totally in the mood too). But after making out for a few mins and groping him, he's not even hard. I felt like he was doing it to appease me so I just stopped it.

 

I don't mean like a total B***h because I can tell that he's really trying to appease me but at the same time, I don't want to have sex like this. In this case, what should I do? Should I be patient? I definitely take care of myself very well and I don't know what else about me that can be changed (at least physically that is). I am definitely open to any positions and I'm really not a prude in bed.

 

I dress up well everyday too...I really don't think I could look better than I am now (unless I turn into anorexic but I don't think he's into anorexic either).

[Toodamnpragmatic]

do you know for those who make it, how they rebound to the higher sense of togetherness? I can tell that my husband is really trying. We went to a fancy restaurant 2 nights ago and I dressed to kill for him (and the past 3 months, I was so into exercises that I know my body is even better compared to our wedding day). Afterward, at home, he started groping me and I thought we would do it and thought he was on the mood too (and frankly, after 2 glasses of champagne, I was totally in the mood too). But after making out for a few mins and groping him, he's not even hard. I felt like he was doing it to appease me so I just stopped it.

 

I don't mean like a total B***h because I can tell that he's really trying to appease me but at the same time, I don't want to have sex like this. In this case, what should I do? Should I be patient? I definitely take care of myself very well and I don't know what else about me that can be changed (at least physically that is). I am definitely open to any positions and I'm really not a prude in bed.

 

I dress up well everyday too...I really don't think I could look better than I am now (unless I turn into anorexic but I don't think he's into anorexic either).

 

 

Wow, I need a cold shower to cool off...... Reading the above there is either a physical or mental issue with him...... He needs to see someone and figure it out......

 

As for you and your friend, hearing this from females is very surprising and I wonder if there is more going on. Can I ask if your friend is also asian and the issue is with asian males? Probably a stretch.....

 

On this site it is predominantly males in their 40's complaining about the lack of sex......

[cuppa]

Wow, I need a cold shower to cool off...... Reading the above there is either a physical or mental issue with him...... He needs to see someone and figure it out......

 

As for you and your friend, hearing this from females is very surprising and I wonder if there is more going on. Can I ask if your friend is also asian and the issue is with asian males? Probably a stretch.....

 

On this site it is predominantly males in their 40's complaining about the lack of sex......

 

No, she's brazillian and her husband is brazillian too. I have a lot of asian friends and some of them have very healthy sex life, even after kids so no, definitely not because of race. My friend is truly beautiful, takes care herself very well, and her husband is very handsome too. Think about Giselle, they came from the same region....they are the same type (tall, blonde, great butt, etc).

 

So yeah, it's even more frustating for us because nobody suspects that we have this issue and majority of people think that we have the best life (which looks perfect from the outside).

[Angel1111]

A friend of mine just left her marriage after 38 yrs. Yes, 38 yrs! She said they had not had sex in 10 yrs. She has had enough. He's so emotionally dead that he hardly responded when she said she was leaving him. I hope you don't end up like this.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

No, she's brazillian and her husband is brazillian too. I have a lot of asian friends and some of them have very healthy sex life, even after kids so no, definitely not because of race. My friend is truly beautiful, takes care herself very well, and her husband is very handsome too. Think about Giselle, they came from the same region....they are the same type (tall, blonde, great butt, etc).

 

So yeah, it's even more frustating for us because nobody suspects that we have this issue and majority of people think that we have the best life (which looks perfect from the outside).

 

My wife is half Chinese, half Italian, so I don't know which half to blame it on....... Actually I blame it on her father..... It is always the father's fault (for females) and the mother's fault (for males)......

[cuppa]

No, she's brazillian and her husband is brazillian too. I have a lot of asian friends and some of them have very healthy sex life, even after kids so no, definitely not because of race. My friend is truly beautiful, takes care herself very well, and her husband is very handsome too. Think about Giselle, they came from the same region....they are the same type (tall, blonde, great butt, etc).

 

So yeah, it's even more frustating for us because nobody suspects that we have this issue and majority of people think that we have the best life (which looks perfect from the outside).

 

I also want to add that both of my parents are asians and they have great sex life. You probably won't believe me that they used to do it everyday until up to 2 years ago (yeah my family is quite open about this issue or sexual topics in general). My dad is 63 and my mom is 55. We went to Vegas together and my parents were like couple in honeymoon, my dad was so into it. I used to wonder whether my mom's sex life is probably the reason why she always looks so young and beautiful for her age while I feel like I age faster than she does.

[HeyThere]

cuppa, any comment about post #15 in this thread?