Sexless marriage - how common?

[Angel1111]

Little things like this? That's is NOT a little thing. It is horrible! To start with, this pull method is such an anticlimax and such an intimacybreaker. If on top of that you are supposed to be a couple who is trying to have kids, then it is a cruel way of telling you something that he does not want to tell you in your face. Which makes him a coward. I can imagine that this is really undermining you, especially because this is so indirect. Something's wrong but it's never in the open. No wonder you have meltdowns.

 

My ex didn't do this particular thing but he did lots of things that eventually drove me away. But it took a while for me to grasp what was wrong because, on the surface, he appeared nice and caring. My sister calls him the 'benevolent manipulator' and I realized just how true this was once I got away from him. Today, he alienates so many people - his friends, our son, and his family. People who do one thing but make you feel another are usually very manipulative and not nearly as nice as they want you to believe. This is why you feel bad but can't quite put your finger on why you feel that way.

 

cuppa, I think your husband has a lot more going on underneath than you care to look at. But you want to stay on this path of 'but I love him' and 'he's really caring' but the truth is that any guy who tells you that you can stay or leave (which, translated, sounds like 'I really don't care what you do because I'm not all that attached to you anyway'), who doesn't want to be close to you physically, doesn't want to have a family with you, and who makes you feel sad and alone, has a hidden agenda. He's driving you to the therapist and making you feel like you're the one with the problem. Classic.

[HeyThere]

My ex didn't do this particular thing but he did lots of things that eventually drove me away. But it took a while for me to grasp what was wrong because, on the surface, he appeared nice and caring. My sister calls him the 'benevolent manipulator' and I realized just how true this was once I got away from him. Today, he alienates so many people - his friends, our son, and his family. People who do one thing but make you feel another are usually very manipulative and not nearly as nice as they want you to believe. This is why you feel bad but can't quite put your finger on why you feel that way.

 

cuppa, I think your husband has a lot more going on underneath than you care to look at. But you want to stay on this path of 'but I love him' and 'he's really caring' but the truth is that any guy who tells you that you can stay or leave (which, translated, sounds like 'I really don't care what you do because I'm not all that attached to you anyway'), who doesn't want to be close to you physically, doesn't want to have a family with you, and who makes you feel sad and alone, has a hidden agenda. He's driving you to the therapist and making you feel like you're the one with the problem. Classic.

 

Sorry for what you are going through. If what Angel1111 is saying is true, then some reevaluation should happen (is happening). The part that I was not picking up is the 'benevolent manipulator' issues, which if true is very destructive to relationships. I’ve lived with the same issue with my parents and every time I try to deal with it brings up a world of pain.

 

Keep us informed. We are your virtual support community. Keep your real world support community close family, friends and therapist.

 

p.s. the issue I’d clarify in the equation is the family one, because it seems your husband has some deep fears about becoming a father and he is not upfront with it.

Edited January 21, 2010 by HeyThere

[cuppa]

My ex didn't do this particular thing but he did lots of things that eventually drove me away. But it took a while for me to grasp what was wrong because, on the surface, he appeared nice and caring. My sister calls him the 'benevolent manipulator' and I realized just how true this was once I got away from him. Today, he alienates so many people - his friends, our son, and his family. People who do one thing but make you feel another are usually very manipulative and not nearly as nice as they want you to believe. This is why you feel bad but can't quite put your finger on why you feel that way.

 

cuppa, I think your husband has a lot more going on underneath than you care to look at. But you want to stay on this path of 'but I love him' and 'he's really caring' but the truth is that any guy who tells you that you can stay or leave (which, translated, sounds like 'I really don't care what you do because I'm not all that attached to you anyway'), who doesn't want to be close to you physically, doesn't want to have a family with you, and who makes you feel sad and alone, has a hidden agenda. He's driving you to the therapist and making you feel like you're the one with the problem. Classic.

 

Angel, I really don't know what to do at the moment...I feel lost. I look at our pictures together last night including my wedding. It was so perfect 7 years ago, how things have come downhill so fast? I can't help for feeling like a failure...my parents will be so crushed, they adore him so much, they think he's the best thing that happens in my life. This is so hard....everyone commented on how he appeared to be so in love with me, he can't fake the look in his eyes, can he?

 

I got butteflies with the way he looked at me the whole night 7 years ago. I wonder what happened in the last 7 years that we lost the precious thing that happened to us.

 

I remember our moments together, the first time we met, the first time I got a job, the first time I got rejection letter from my dream job and how I was so crushed, the first time he talked about marriage, the first time we bought a house together, and also when my parents got hospitalized and he's been so supportive. omg...so many things, I do realize that I still love him very much and I don't know how to quit him because it hurts so much.

Edited January 21, 2010 by cuppa
taking out personal pics

[Angel1111]

omg...so many things, I do realize that I still love him very much and I don't know how to quit him because it hurts so much.

 

Then don't quit him. But at the same time, stop making yourself miserable by thinking that he's not responsible for a big part of what's going on with you and your marriage.

 

History does count for a lot. I do understand that. But if you want children and he doesn't, then you've got another serious problem on your hands. I think it depends on how important this is to you. This issue alone splits up couples all the time because it determines whether you have a family together or not. But, based on the things you've said, it seems that he's going to force his will on you by making sure you don't get pregnant - so just make sure that kids aren't that important to you. If it is important for you to have children, then this could end up breaking your heart. And he doesn't seem to care one way or another how this makes you feel.

 

You're positive he's not having an affair, right? There's just something very odd here and I can't figure it out.

Edited January 21, 2010 by Angel1111

[WalkInThePark]

cuppa, your posts really touch me; I feel your pain. You sound like a kind, warm, attractive lady full of passion and life. Your M is silently oppressing you without any obvious violence but the effects are just as devastating. A young woman like you should be with a man who fully appreciates her and who gives her tons of tenderness and passionate sex.

 

You need to do something and you need to do it fast. Don't let it come to another meltdown. You need to keep your head cool and go about things in a rational way, as hard as that is.

First of all, I think your H is hiding something from you. Maybe he is also hiding it from himself, maybe he is sticking his head in the sand about his own reality. Maybe he is gay without knowing it, maybe he has someone else, maybe he just hates sex, maybe he was never really in love with you, maybe he is depressed,... But something is wrong. You need to figure out what it is or at least... what it is not. I would put a PI on him to make sure that the problem is not another woman. And I would snoop.

Maybe you will find something, maybe you won't. But it will help you to get some clarity.

 

Secondly, you need to rock the boat. You need make it clear to him that if things won't change, that if he will not tell you what the problem is, that you will leave. Start looking for concrete things to live on your own. Look for a place, try to make sure that things are separated financially, etc...

 

One thing you have to take into account is that your H might have married you thinking that you were an obedient Asian girl and found out afterwards that you were way too lively for him. But instead of telling you that it was a mistake he might in a passive-aggressive way try to make you leave him. Horrible I know but believe me, people (and especially men because they hate conflict) do this sometimes. It's actually a way of putting their own guilt on you...

 

I read that you are very worried that if you leave him he might find someone with who he can do all the things you want him to do with you. Somehow I have the feeling that this is what bothers you most. It is very understandable because it would give you the feeling that if only you would have been "better", he would have wanted all these things with you. I understand that you reason this way but please don't. You take too much responsibility on you. If he would move on after you and have kids with another woman, then it means that he was not the right person for you. Because the right person for you will want kids with you.

Do also not forget that this quickly moving on is often a rebound thing...

The thing is that such things bug one for a while but after some time new things will happen in your life and you will focus on them.

 

Please do not remain on this emotional diet. Your meltdowns are a healthy signal of your body and mind that your hungry and that you need food!

[HeyThere]

Then don't quit him. But at the same time, stop making yourself miserable by thinking that he's not responsible for a big part of what's going on with you and your marriage.

 

History does count for a lot. I do understand that. But if you want children and he doesn't, then you've got another serious problem on your hands. I think it depends on how important this is to you. This issue alone splits up couples all the time because it determines whether you have a family together or not. But, based on the things you've said, it seems that he's going to force his will on you by making sure you don't get pregnant - so just make sure that kids aren't that important to you. If it is important for you to have children, then this could end up breaking your heart. And he doesn't seem to care one way or another how this makes you feel.

 

You're positive he's not having an affair, right? There's just something very odd here and I can't figure it out.

 

The Angel1111 has landed – spot on!

 

--------

 

cuppa, you and your husband were passionate in the first several years of the relationship, correct? Then what changed to contribute to the lack of sex?

 

I agree that you need to know what the issues are about your husband’s disinterest in sex. However, you don’t believe he is gay or having an affair, so putting a PI on him doesn’t make sense and in essence you take more responsibility to figure out his issue(s). They are his issues and as WalkInThePark pointed out he is sticking his head in the sand. That’s what bothers me, why isn’t he trying to figure this out?

 

You’re getting so much great advice here and it’s probably flooding your head.

 

It is important to be aware of the connection between lack of passion and meltdowns you are having with the other contributing factors.

Edited January 21, 2010 by HeyThere

[Angel1111]

The Angel1111 has landed – spot on!

 

Thanks, but I actually think WalkInThePark was more spot-on.

[TinyLee222]

Hi Cuppa,

 

I have been reading this thread and can hear the pain. I have to agree with Walk in the Park. Your husband is hiding something.Whether it be his sexuality,involvement with another woman/man or resentment towards you, at this point this witholding of sex borders on emotional abuse. Everyday this rejection is chipping away at your self esteem. I also wonder if he doesnt like that you are a fiesty and independent woman? Or could it be that he is just not into you? You are so young and sound so vibrant. Trust me when I say that your best years are ahead of you!

 

A man in his 30's with a willing partner who is attractive, physically fit

and smart is getting it elsewhere. It could be an affair, same sex

relationship or porn. If its none of these maybe there are some deep seated psychological problems preventing him from being able to be intimate with you. Can you live with that? Should you live with that?

 

I hope you get to the bottom of whats going on. Maybe a little investigative work may help you narrow it down. Keep posting there

are so many here who care.

 

Lee

[cuppa]

Then don't quit him. But at the same time, stop making yourself miserable by thinking that he's not responsible for a big part of what's going on with you and your marriage.

 

History does count for a lot. I do understand that. But if you want children and he doesn't, then you've got another serious problem on your hands. I think it depends on how important this is to you. This issue alone splits up couples all the time because it determines whether you have a family together or not. But, based on the things you've said, it seems that he's going to force his will on you by making sure you don't get pregnant - so just make sure that kids aren't that important to you. If it is important for you to have children, then this could end up breaking your heart. And he doesn't seem to care one way or another how this makes you feel.

 

You're positive he's not having an affair, right? There's just something very odd here and I can't figure it out.

 

This is the part that is driving me crazy, the not knowing part. I don't know what exactly that we are fixing because I'm clueless.

 

I know it sounds pathetic that I'm doing this but in the past, I have questioned a lot about my own attractiveness. I admit that a lot of times, I think I was too fat. I would like to think that physical attraction is not the cause or either that, maybe he's just not that into me since the beginning. He even admits that I look more attractive now because I start to have money and I know how to dress better because now I can afford the stuff that I've been wanting to wear in my 20s.

 

The picture on the right was me on New Year Eve (so it's about 3 weeks ago). I even look leaner now since I am taking kickboxing and crossfit. The fattest I got was probably 5 lbs above the picture on the right. The one on the left was me on my wedding day. I would think that if he's physically attracted to me 7 years ago, I am the same me physically. I have good gene on my side (thanks to those asian gene) so I don't age as much and I don't really look different. If anything, I dress smarter, takes care of my hair, and my skin & make-up.

 

 

If it's personality that he has issues with, then I don't know how I can even fix that because I have lived with this personality for 33 years and I love being me. I am not bitter, I'm caring, I have a lot of friends.

 

Frankly, I want to stop my therapy because each time, I keep thinking that something is wrong with me that requires fixing. That's why I'm taking boxing, crossfit, and martial arts these days, it just seems that I have a lot of scars that require time to heal. I am thinking if I'm physically stronger, I will be stronger mentally too (so far, the mental part hasn't come true yet).

[cuppa]

Hi Cuppa,

 

I have been reading this thread and can hear the pain. I have to agree with Walk in the Park. Your husband is hiding something.Whether it be his sexuality,involvement with another woman/man or resentment towards you, at this point this witholding of sex borders on emotional abuse. Everyday this rejection is chipping away at your self esteem. I also wonder if he doesnt like that you are a fiesty and independent woman? Or could it be that he is just not into you? You are so young and sound so vibrant. Trust me when I say that your best years are ahead of you!

 

A man in his 30's with a willing partner who is attractive, physically fit

and smart is getting it elsewhere. It could be an affair, same sex

relationship or porn. If its none of these maybe there are some deep seated psychological problems preventing him from being able to be intimate with you. Can you live with that? Should you live with that?

 

I hope you get to the bottom of whats going on. Maybe a little investigative work may help you narrow it down. Keep posting there

are so many here who care.

 

Lee

 

Hi Lee,

 

I think maybe I have to accept that he's just not that into me physically. I know for sure that the thing that he's attracted the most about me is that I'm very ambitious and persistent. He's drawn to a woman who persevere, he always talks about how strong his mom and his aunt are.

 

I used to be like that but then I had problems with my career last year. I reached out to him, talking about taking time off from work while I figure things out, and the main thing that he talked about is money or our monthly expenses. Since we got together, we accumulated wealth that I thought I would never reach it and he's comfortable with that.

 

Last year, I was so hurt that I went to a hotel and closed myself inside a room for a day. I was holding 2 jobs (full time + working for a startup), my menses didn't come for 4 months at a time, and I had zero affection, no sex, no cuddling, no kissing. I reached out to my husband and the first thing he talked about is money.

 

I don't know if he understands me. Last week when we talked for a drive, he implied that I wasn't strong enough and if I had more breakdowns then he's not sure if he can go through with this marriage. Thankfully, my therapist already prepared me for this. So I told him that the breakdown is not my fault, I didn't want any of this, he didn't know how scary it was to be away, in Miami, in a hotel room and all of sudden you couldn't move and couldn't stop crying for 2 days. He didn't know what it's like to sleep 2 hours a night for months. He didn't know how humiliating it is that people in my office know about my meltdowns and know look at me with pity in their eyes.

 

I will try to get the bottom of it but I'm afraid I won't get the answers.

I think my next steps should be to learn on how to be alone & happy because since I left my family back in asia and moved here, I was only alone for 6 months. Other than that, I am always in relationship. It's so scary to start over at 33....but I need to be able to do that and I'm not sure if I can right now.

[Roadrunner]

Hi Cuppa,

 

Just wanted to say that it's horrible what you are going through. I also really hate that he is implying that you are 'not strong enough' and making you doubt yourself.

 

I really do think that there is something going on with his sexuality. I know a couple of gay men that were married for years and had sex with their partners often. (Don't know how they can do this). If he is, then he's been hiding it well for years and a gay friend trying to hit on him in front of you probably wouldn't bring down his pretence.

 

It also sounds like he is looking for an escape route by starting to blame you. You end up being the bad guy since you're the one that 'isn't strong enough'.

 

Hope I'm not too harsh.

 

I just want to give you (((hugs)))). Know that at the end of all this you will not be alone. You'll have guys lining up because you are awesome!!!

[Angel1111]

You have a beautiful figure and even if you didn't - even if your figure were average or so-so, there would be no excuse to be ignored in the way that you are. You keep thinking this is your fault or that something is wrong with you. Maybe it's him. Maybe he is gay, or he's having an affair, or maybe he just has no sex drive - but whatever it is, you're wasting your life with how this is effecting you emotionally. It doesn't matter if your family is crazy about him or not. They're not the ones who have to live with the pain of rejection the way you do. It doesn't matter how he looked at you on your wedding day. Something has changed, or he was acting. Who knows? But since he's not divulging to you what the problem is, then you can only make a decision based on what you know. Or, since you do have a lot of money, then hire a PI just to see what you might be missing. I'm guessing there's something that might shock the hell out of you.

[HeyThere]

cuppa, this goes back to Angel1111 post #51. Perhaps, your husband makes a negative comment, gives a dirty look of disapproval, doesn’t have sex with you and you feel like you’ve done something wrong or you feel (un)consciously not good enough physically or mentally with lots of self doubt. You take all this demoralizing behavior and turn it inward.

 

From my experience with my parents where I never measured up to their standards of who was this smart, that talented, and that capable. With lots of derogatory, ugly, disgusting comments that I simply wasn’t competent. I turned it all in and felt that there is something wrong with me. For a long time I felt like there was a hole in the middle of my gut with sadness, I was angry with them for their rotten attitudes and behavior. I kept beating myself up mentally; I felt there was something wrong with me. I questioned why I was put in “jail”. I was literally burning myself up. I don’t know what happened, but one day I didn’t want to be angry anymore and over a few months it dissipated. Mostly now I just feel sad for them and even that is going away as I’ve come to realize that it is their issues not mine. I’m in a better place.

 

I know my situation is totally different from yours, but there are parallels with the self doubt and internal turmoil. If my story helps you in even a small way, then it was worth sharing.

[cuppa]

cuppa, this goes back to Angel1111 post #51. Perhaps, your husband makes a negative comment, gives a dirty look of disapproval, doesn’t have sex with you and you feel like you’ve done something wrong or you feel (un)consciously not good enough physically or mentally with lots of self doubt. You take all this demoralizing behavior and turn it inward.

 

From my experience with my parents where I never measured up to their standards of who was this smart, that talented, and that capable. With lots of derogatory, ugly, disgusting comments that I simply wasn’t competent. I turned it all in and felt that there is something wrong with me. For a long time I felt like there was a hole in the middle of my gut with sadness, I was angry with them for their rotten attitudes and behavior. I kept beating myself up mentally; I felt there was something wrong with me. I questioned why I was put in “jail”. I was literally burning myself up. I don’t know what happened, but one day I didn’t want to be angry anymore and over a few months it dissipated. Mostly now I just feel sad for them and even that is going away as I’ve come to realize that it is their issues not mine. I’m in a better place.

 

I know my situation is totally different from yours, but there are parallels with the self doubt and internal turmoil. If my story helps you in even a small way, then it was worth sharing.

 

I know exactly what you mean and thank you for sharing your story. I do realize that I do seek a lot of validation and approval (hence posting in this forum - looking for some kind of connection and validation). I do have a lot of strengthening that I need to do inside. I tend to do the same at work too, I constantly look for the pat in the back to things I do and when I don't get it, I beat myself up.

 

Good thing is that being a middle child, my parents never have much expectation of me and whatever they have is probably wishing for their daughter to find a good husband (in the asian way that means: no drinking, no gambling, stay at home type), which I did.

 

Yesterday, I feel my stomach ripped apart too and it was filled with sadness. Today I'm okay though. I'm thinking that I will go through a few small episodes like this until I've become numb. That's what happened when I left my ex bf after 3 years of long term relationship before I met my husband. I just woke up one day feeling numb and in a sense, I can sense that that will come too unless something drastically changes or he's willing to put more into resolving this issue.

[cuppa]

cuppa, your posts really touch me; I feel your pain. You sound like a kind, warm, attractive lady full of passion and life. Your M is silently oppressing you without any obvious violence but the effects are just as devastating. A young woman like you should be with a man who fully appreciates her and who gives her tons of tenderness and passionate sex.

 

You need to do something and you need to do it fast. Don't let it come to another meltdown. You need to keep your head cool and go about things in a rational way, as hard as that is.

First of all, I think your H is hiding something from you. Maybe he is also hiding it from himself, maybe he is sticking his head in the sand about his own reality. Maybe he is gay without knowing it, maybe he has someone else, maybe he just hates sex, maybe he was never really in love with you, maybe he is depressed,... But something is wrong. You need to figure out what it is or at least... what it is not. I would put a PI on him to make sure that the problem is not another woman. And I would snoop.

Maybe you will find something, maybe you won't. But it will help you to get some clarity.

 

Secondly, you need to rock the boat. You need make it clear to him that if things won't change, that if he will not tell you what the problem is, that you will leave. Start looking for concrete things to live on your own. Look for a place, try to make sure that things are separated financially, etc...

 

One thing you have to take into account is that your H might have married you thinking that you were an obedient Asian girl and found out afterwards that you were way too lively for him. But instead of telling you that it was a mistake he might in a passive-aggressive way try to make you leave him. Horrible I know but believe me, people (and especially men because they hate conflict) do this sometimes. It's actually a way of putting their own guilt on you...

 

I read that you are very worried that if you leave him he might find someone with who he can do all the things you want him to do with you. Somehow I have the feeling that this is what bothers you most. It is very understandable because it would give you the feeling that if only you would have been "better", he would have wanted all these things with you. I understand that you reason this way but please don't. You take too much responsibility on you. If he would move on after you and have kids with another woman, then it means that he was not the right person for you. Because the right person for you will want kids with you.

Do also not forget that this quickly moving on is often a rebound thing...

The thing is that such things bug one for a while but after some time new things will happen in your life and you will focus on them.

 

Please do not remain on this emotional diet. Your meltdowns are a healthy signal of your body and mind that your hungry and that you need food!

 

I think you found the issue that is. I really thank you for all the support that I found in this forum. He doesn't have the guts to leave me. He cheated on me once. Basically when we first met, he was in a long distance relationship with another woman. He claimed that he ended it because they were not compatible. A few weeks later, we become a couple. I was so gullible that I didn't know that for 3 months, he dated both me and his ex g.f. I didn't even feel suspicious on how he always left at 10:30 pm every night (he claimed he needed to call his family) and later around 11:30 PM called me back and asked if he could come over.

 

To keep the story short, he couldn't even break up with the other woman. Basically, he just ignored her, didn't even call her on Valentine's day and then the ex g.f finally fed up and dumped him.

 

I was so in love with him at the time that though I was so hurt, I took him back. We broke up probably like a week or so but even then I was so weak, I couldn't stand of losing him.

 

Yeah, he might use the same method as he did to his ex g.f. Though I didn't know all this until later, perhaps, karma does kick me hard in the butt. I do start looking for appartment, start gathering friends to be my support system (I have about 5 female friends who are ready to help me to move out), I plan to go to a party by myself for the first time next week, I want to go to a movie theater by myself too, and maybe I even watch opera by myself. The key is that I hope I can start a family but I don't want to become one of those women who became so vulnerable after the emotional abuse, right after the divorce, they either become promiscuous, desperate, or they end up with the wrong guy for fear of being alone.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

but really it comes down to you finding the strength to get what you deserve out of life.

 

You truly are an enigma, but first and foremost your spouse has to be honest and tell you what he wants from this marriage and as I said back at the beginning this is not something you can allow him to drag on for months or years.

 

What I do find sad (and funny) is how you look for small things from your husband to show validation (like New Years Eve or support when a parent or you are sick), which are such little things and what you should expect from a spouse.

 

I find it fascinating (somewhat sad) that you too have included pictures to confirm that yes you are attractive and that your husband sometimes is more worried about you being hit on or propositioned then he is at making you feel like a cherished loved sexual partner......

 

Find the strength to tell him that you two can't continue down this path.

[Angel1111]

I was so gullible that I didn't know that for 3 months, he dated both me and his ex g.f. I didn't even feel suspicious on how he always left at 10:30 pm every night (he claimed he needed to call his family) and later around 11:30 PM called me back and asked if he could come over.

 

If he was able to fool you before, he's probably doing it again. Most men in their 30's want sex often. If he's not having sex with you, he's most likely having it with someone else. I think I'd be getting answers if I were you.

[She's_NotInLove_w/Me]

If my own daughter came to me and read this thread with me (I guess it would have to be about 20 years from now), here is the advice I would give her:

 

"I have read everything you have typed and I am hearing everything you are saying. I support you 100%. If it is over it is over... But I can see and feel that in your heart that is not what you want. Not until you find out what is wrong. Only then can you determine if it can be worked through or you need to move towards a life without him. This same conversation you just had with me needs to be had with him. He needs to read this thread, in its entirety; only then will he know the severity of the situation. From there you can make your decision(s) as to how to proceed."

 

Obviously it's condensed, but I think you see where I am going. I think it's a done deal (the end of the marriage), but that's only from what I am reading here. He may completely turn a leaf and become everything you expect after reading and comprehending what has happened. Or, he may immediately ask for a divorce... more than likely it will be something in between.

 

I truly believe you have gotten a lot of great advice here. But you need to take the issues to him, leave these boards alone for several days after doing so (a minimum of 10-15 days), and allow things to take their course. I think you will be able to see what you have from there... I could be totally wrong, but I genuinely think it's worth a shot. It’s a risk worth taking. It will tell you where you stand in a relatively short period of time.

 

Best of luck!

[cuppa]

If my own daughter came to me and read this thread with me (I guess it would have to be about 20 years from now), here is the advice I would give her:

 

"I have read everything you have typed and I am hearing everything you are saying. I support you 100%. If it is over it is over... But I can see and feel that in your heart that is not what you want. Not until you find out what is wrong. Only then can you determine if it can be worked through or you need to move towards a life without him. This same conversation you just had with me needs to be had with him. He needs to read this thread, in its entirety; only then will he know the severity of the situation. From there you can make your decision(s) as to how to proceed."

 

Obviously it's condensed, but I think you see where I am going. I think it's a done deal (the end of the marriage), but that's only from what I am reading here. He may completely turn a leaf and become everything you expect after reading and comprehending what has happened. Or, he may immediately ask for a divorce... more than likely it will be something in between.

 

I truly believe you have gotten a lot of great advice here. But you need to take the issues to him, leave these boards alone for several days after doing so (a minimum of 10-15 days), and allow things to take their course. I think you will be able to see what you have from there... I could be totally wrong, but I genuinely think it's worth a shot. It’s a risk worth taking. It will tell you where you stand in a relatively short period of time.

 

Best of luck!

 

I can't call my parents (they are overseas). When I told my mom the reason why I couldn't conceive (lack of sex), 3 months ago, her first reaction is to call his mom to stop blaming me and tell my husband to shape up. I told her that if she does that then my marriage will be over. Then she would ask me to stick around because asian wife puts up with a lot of things: infidelity, emotional abuse, etc. Then she basically asked the same question that some of you have been asking, what's the reason and I don't know the answer. It just added stress instead of relief. She sometimes texts me that she feels sad but she would call me crazy if I ever talk about separation. Maybe things are different now but in my parent generation, women put up with a lot of cr@ps from their husbands. As long as they are not gambler, they are not drunks, and they provide for their family, then I am considered to have a very good life. Happiness is the difference between what you expect and what you get, I guess in my culture or my family, typically we work on the expectation side instead of the what I want to get side.

 

That has been my challenge. I don't have support system other than my girlfriends but they have life too. I can't expect to rely on them on things that I get from my husband now. This internal strengthening will take time and I just hope I'm not too late. Is my strategy correct? to be OK to be alone? I just feel that if I can't conquer this, I will go downward spiral...

Edited January 22, 2010 by cuppa

[She's_NotInLove_w/Me]

This internal strengthening will take time and I just hope I'm not too late. Is my strategy correct? to be OK to be alone? I just feel that if I can't conquer this, I will go downward spiral...

 

Being a father of four daughters, I can say I truly think that modern America is a great place to be a young lady... like anything it has its pro and cons though.

 

IT IS 100% OK TO BE ALONE. As long as it is the right choice based on the facts. As I said early in the thread, in my opinion, the fact that you do not have children with him is a blessing at this point.

 

I think you are correct, if you cannot conquer this in some shape or form, your life (your marriage) will continue to spiral downward.

 

Now about what I was trying to address in the above response, do you think you can show him this thread and have a heart to heart conversation with him? His reaction from there will determine your final direction...

[cuppa]

Being a father of four daughters, I can say I truly think that modern America is a great place to be a young lady... like anything it has its pro and cons though.

 

IT IS 100% OK TO BE ALONE. As long as it is the right choice based on the facts. As I said early in the thread, in my opinion, the fact that you do not have children with him is a blessing at this point.

 

I think you are correct, if you cannot conquer this in some shape or form, your life (your marriage) will continue to spiral downward.

 

Now about what I was trying to address in the above response, do you think you can show him this thread and have a heart to heart conversation with him? His reaction from there will determine your final direction...

 

I was typing this morning when he walked into the study room. I did offer if he wants to read (though he must not like it that I posted a picture and I don't realize thta I couldn't edit it out anymore - any way for me to take out the link from my post?). I tried to have a heart to heart conversation with him and each time, he always feels that I'm blaming him on a lot of things, like I focus on the negative things in our marriage. Last time he asked for a break and last night, I asked him if he's ready.

 

I posted earlier about the first heart to heart before my meltdown (beginning of November). then I tried again on Thanksgiving. It was pretty much like my first post. I told him that I don't understand, I am getting old, I want to have kids, and I don't know why there is a lack of affection. I also told him that I'm tired that everything is always about money in our relationship. He was looking at me for 15 mins without a word and then he walked out. I was crying myself to sleep and when I woke up, he was in the living room. The first thing he said was " do you want to have dinner?". Then we went out to have dinner and I talked about getting my own apartment in the city and he said he will support it. We talked about how we are going to divide our assets and there is no disconnect there. He's not a bad person and I'm not out there to screw him. What his is his, what's mine is mine. Afteward, he made love to me that night and like a drug, everything was a bit OK again. I was cheerful and hopeful that things might be OK so I stopped talking about getting my own apt.

 

Last night, I told him that I will write him a letter. Basically, a summary of this thread and what is my expectation of my marriage. The truth is that I know I'm not perfect, there are things that I can improve too and I want to know what that is to make this marriage work. I am thinking maybe it's easier for him to express it through words instead of face to face. I am composing the letter now and I will keep you posted if anything comes up.

[Angel1111]

I'm sorry, but the more you talk about your husband, the less I like him. My impression of him is that he just wants you to be quiet about everything, and let him do as he pleases. He also seems to think that if he ignores you and the problem long enough, or placates you, then you will be quiet.

 

You know, unless you're really a drama queen, or you're doing some things that are major turn-offs to him, I really don't get this. As far as I can tell, he seems very cold and uncaring.

[nddb]

Is he/his family also from a traditional asian background?

[cuppa]

I'm sorry, but the more you talk about your husband, the less I like him. My impression of him is that he just wants you to be quiet about everything, and let him do as he pleases. He also seems to think that if he ignores you and the problem long enough, or placates you, then you will be quiet.

 

You know, unless you're really a drama queen, or you're doing some things that are major turn-offs to him, I really don't get this. As far as I can tell, he seems very cold and uncaring.

 

My husband doesn't have a normal family, normal as in that it's expected for a husband and a wife to sleep on the same bed and be affectionate with each other. I have to teach him a lot of stuff to feel emotions. He's cold in general and hence, zero desire to have kids.

 

Talking about asian wife sacrifices, if there is such contest, his mom should win the best asian wife trophy who can take loads of craps from her husband.

 

His dad is very self centered. Everything is always about him and his career. If some of you are asian here or chinese in general, there is this term of "Hakka Wife". In the old days, Hakka wife would work in the farm & the field, independent, strong, and self sufficient while husband went to school and became a scholar. My husband and his brother were sent to live with their grandmother when he was 1 while his parents went to pursue their career. When the parents came to pick him up, he was 3 and he was asking his grandmother "who were the couple who looked at him so weirdly".

 

His dad then went to go to MBA here in the US, leaving behind his wife and 2 infants on her wife salary (teacher). When he came back, his career started to take off and then he left to another country to pursue a prestigious job in some prestigious bank. So then, he and his wife lived separately for 35 years and they only met for 2 months in a year. His mom received zero affection. His mom has to live by herself for 35 years, no husband, no kids (both kids went to Ivy League schools and lived with his dad when my husband was 11).

 

Obviously at some point, his dad was successful enough that he could afford to bring his wife to live with him. But no, they still live separately. Instead, he chose to spend his money on golf membership, brand new mercedez, and of course, the education for the 2 sons (both went to expensive Ivy League schools). All the while, the mom worked as a teacher, pinching pennies, and get this, she has to support his husband's family, I think about USD $1500 a month (which is half of her salary). When her family questioned that why she didn't join her husband, she would say that she is doing it for the kids so they can have more money. But I think the truth is that her husband never asked. And his dad is just like my husband. Tall, handsome, and successful so a man in his prime 30something, living as an expat by himself, I don't know how my mom in law could bury her head in the sand like this.

 

 

So, this is the woman model in my husband and his brother's life. Sacrifices....his parents are still married but the relationship is so dysfunctional that one day, I bought a queen bed in my guest room (before it was a twin bed) so that his parents could sleep comfortably together when they came to visit. His mom was complaining why we spent money on things like this so I thought that was really really odd thing to complain. But later, my husband found out that even when we bought the queen bed (I bought the nice one too, very comfortable), his mom chose to sleep on the floor while his dad sleeps in the bed.

 

I know my husband for 11 years, unless I'm a complete fool or idiot (which I don't think I am), I don't think he's done it out of malice. He really doesn't know what it's like to have a normal family. They don't even have a family picture. He doesn't even come to his brother's wedding because his parents told him to save money. His brother's marriage is breaking apart too, partly, because he said he hates his dad but he expected his wife to be just like his mom and to be able to put up with a lot of things and be a superwoman like his mom.

 

All of these excuses that the parents did, all in the name of sacrifices for the two sons, do a lot of phsycological damage to the two sons. I keep trying to point out to him that no....I know a lot of asian family who pays for their sons tuition to university and all that, and NO, they don't have to live like that. My parents have to pinch pennies to help me to get through my school here but they always sleep together in the same bed everyday. It's a choice. There is also a whisper that his dad has another family in different country, even a daughter. The mom knew this but chose to bury her head in the sand.

 

but anyways, I thought I might need to get a clear picture of my husband that yes, he is cold in general but typically to me, he's warmer than to everyone else, at least, it used to be that way.

Edited January 22, 2010 by cuppa

[Toodamnpragmatic]

and blame it on her Asian dad/Italian mother..... She has nothing on your husband. Reading the post above tells me you better give him an ultimatum, because he will never snap out of his funk based on his upbringing on his own.....

 

He needs to understand he is not normal (and it is not his fault)..... but has to understand that he needs to talk to a professional and make a commitment.