What, me worry? :D A neurosis which is mine..

[moimeme]

Well, maybe not exactly as bad as a neurosis, but probably a little chunk of illogic that I can't quite dislodge. Anybody got a crowbar they could lend me?

 

I think that I think that I am supposed to 'earn' my happy-ever-after. I think there's someplace buried in my noggin some thought that until I accomplish something (not exactly what) - or maybe learn something, or maybe have achieved a certain level of self-improvement, that somehow I am not entitled to the 'reward' of a great and lasting relationship. Which, objectively, is not logical since the world doesn't work that way. I know this. Doesn't help to know this. Doesn't change that little niggling feeling.

 

I could probably dig around and trace any number of potential sources for this belief, but I don't think that would really be what's needed to purge it. Something is. Not sure what, however.

 

So. Toss back refutations, arguments, whatever, if you'd be so kind.

[Kat]

I am sorry, but I can't quite work out what you are trying to say, but I think it has something to do with working hard for the 'good life'?? No??

 

I have a loving partner and a beautiful daughter. I have a job which just allows me to support my family and myself and I have independance from others.

 

I don't think we will ever be finacially secure to the point where we can just go out and buy a couch if we need a couch (if you know what I mean), and we continue to dream about winning the lotto and then 'life will be so much better'. But it won't.

 

Nothing can be better than the life I have right now. I wake up to my beautiful partner each day and then have my daughter run in and give me lots of kisses and cuddles and tell me how much she loves me.

 

Life is what we make it. You can try hard at it and make things difficult or you can be thankful for eveything you have now and cherish it, therefore making that 'happy ever after' now.

 

We have so many things which we take for granted. We all sit here pining over what everyone else has and forget that while we want their life, they want ours.

 

There is good in everything, even walking home and not getting hit by a bus should be celebrated, because for some people walking home is a dangerous walk and most don't survive it.

[moimeme]

I thought I was rather clear. 'Happy-ever-after' as in 'great and lasting relationship'.

[Kat]

You can always stop 'thinking' and start 'doing'

 

They just don't fall in your lap if that is what you want to happen. Once you are happy with your life how it is the universe will find you a great partner. But if you whole life is about finding someone to 'complete you' it is obvious you are not mature enough to handle a relationship and therefore won't get one that is 'happy ever after'

[Kat]

Originally posted by moimeme

I thought I was rather clear.

Just because it is clear in your head doesn't mean it is for everyone else.

[Thinkalot]

Well, if you don't think finding the source of these thoughts will help (ie parents, former partners, expectations, rewards for effort), you will have to simply believe that you have already done enough work and deserve the rewards NOW!

 

You seem to be one of the most wise, self-aware, balanced people on this site. I think you have done more than enough self-improvement to deserve a great and lasting love! Think about what you have ALREADY achieved, and start believing it's already enough. As you know rationally, life doesn't work to plan. Hope this helps a little, as so many of your posts have helped me!

[yes]

maybe try to dig into what is that SOMETHING you feel you have to achieve? perhaps it's something simple ... and you could achieve it easily, and let yourself feel you've now earned a good and lasting r/s.

 

i know the world doesn't work this way and all, but if it's stuck in your mind, maybe this'd be a way to weed it out.

 

-yes

[meanon]

Well it's hard to say but it might stem from the opposite subconscious thought which I think most people who are not in an ideal relationship feel - why haven't I achieved this? I must not deserve it. What's wrong with me? I must improve. Logically you know nothing is wrong with you but this is an emotional response. These self doubts may cloud what may otherwise be an OK relationship or stop people actively seeking a new one. They often transfer to new situations (feelings that you have to earn a better marriage, relationship with kids etc). Just an observation which you may not agree with - most men I know find the whole self improvement malarky deeply alienating (LS regulars excluded of course!). From your posts I can tell you have a great sense of fun - concentrate on indulging that instead. Apologies if I have misread this but it was the word "reward" that made me think you felt you were somehow being punished now and if so you need to find out what is behind this thought to be comfortable and happy now - nothing is as attractive as a happy person.

[Skittles]

I think that I think that I am supposed to 'earn' my happy-ever-after. I think there's someplace buried in my noggin some thought that until I accomplish something (not exactly what) - or maybe learn something, or maybe have achieved a certain level of self-improvement, that somehow I am not entitled to the 'reward' of a great and lasting relationship......

 

 

Dear Moi,

 

I think that you think too much sometimes....I will boldly say that you are perfect and ready for whatever kind of relationship you desire as I post......and maybe you do not desire one at this very moment (if that is where you are) and that is OK too....

 

 

I believe that you don't need to earn, accomplish or learn anything for that great and lasting relationship...But I know this much in my provincial skittles way, you most certainly need to see yourself through the eyes of your great love first...You must see your own total beauty....(mind heart soul)....... And Claim It and know it to be true .

 

Because then, and only then, will he appear wanting to know it for himself.

[brashgal]

ok - here is the brash in brashgal -

 

maybe you are spending too much time online and not enough time getting to know the potential Mr. Right?

 

unless of course he is online too (might ask Kevin to relocate...?)

[Arabess]

I totally understand Merry. It's like when I play Monopoly....I think if I play fair....somehow I'm going to miraculously win! We even play where you can add additional money for the "Go to Jail" to help charities....and I give bunches!!! I always think it's going to come back to me.....LOL!!!!

 

I don't know what causes a person to feel as though the more they 'give in' ....the more they will get in return. Could it be the Bible scripture of "reaping what you sow"???? If you sow alot of love...I think it's fair to assume (on Biblical promise) you will reap that crop of love eventually. A 40-60-100 fold return!!!

 

I DO believe that idea with ALL MY HEART. God said it.....so it's true for me. How it comes to fruition? I haven't a clue. All I know is.....if I sow anything ELSE....that crap will sure crop up in a heartbeat!!! LOL! So, I'll keep believing the promise also works the other way around....to my benefit. And yours too Merry....cause I know few people in life with a loving heart like yours. You deserve the best.

 

Should we have to earn love? Maybe not in theory, but I figure if God had to earn HIS....I may very well have to earn mine as well. LOL!

[moimeme]

Thanks very much for the great replies! I got me a couple tears to wipe, here - you've been so kind!

 

Thinkalot

Think about what you have ALREADY achieved, and start believing it's already enough.

 

- indeed you have helped. I hadn't considered anything like that. I'm aware of how far I am from my ideal of how a person ought to be, but I think I've been making bits of progress, however few. I really appreciate your assistance in taking a different perspective!

 

yes -

maybe try to dig into what is that SOMETHING you feel you have to achieve

I've been trying! I keep thinking I've figured it out - and then run smack dab into a brick wall and have to change direction ! Objectively, it's almost funny (I picture myself as a rat in a maze, banging into the walls at the end of each hallway because I haven't got the path figured out yet ), but it is frustrating.

 

meanon -

why haven't I achieved this? I must not deserve it. What's wrong with me? I must improve. Logically you know nothing is wrong with you but this is an emotional response.

You're right. When you're right, you're right!

 

felt you were somehow being punished now and if so you need to find out what is behind this thought to be comfortable and happy now

 

Ah! Well, paradoxically, and despite the morose tone of my initial post, I'm actually a VERY happy human! This issue bites me on the butt once every very long while, it did recently, and I figured I might try once again to see if I could sort it out. On the whole, however, I'm actually cheerful most of the time. It's why I picked 'Merry' for my online name - though in this case I didn't make it my username; because I am a merry sort

 

Skittles -

think that you think too much sometimes....I will boldly say that you are perfect and ready for whatever kind of relationship you desire as I post...

 

Goodness! You are far too kind - of course I much appreciate your kind compliments!

 

you most certainly need to see yourself through the eyes of your great love first...You must see your own total beauty....(mind heart soul)....... And Claim It and know it to be true .

 

Because then, and only then, will he appear wanting to know it for himself.

 

Wow! Blew me right out of the water! Thanks VERY much for that very impressive suggestion!

 

brashgal -

maybe you are spending too much time online and not enough time getting to know the potential Mr. Right?

 

LOL! I'm actually out several evenings a week, including every Friday and at least one or two Saturdays a month. I have been working and studying from home, including doing volunteer work. I wasn't really bemoaning availability, actually. I know that's up to me to do - however until I'm back in the working world, I figure I'm not much of a deal for any self-respecting fellow to consider. Until I'm fending for myself and can afford to attend more events, I understand that my circle of 'possibles' will be limited to those who attend the events I regularly attend already.

 

I do appreciate your brashness, gal!

[moimeme]

Arabess -

 

And yours too Merry....cause I know few people in life with a loving heart like yours. You deserve the best.

 

I don't know what to say! Your kind heart and generous comments are much appreciated.

 

Should we have to earn love? Maybe not in theory, but I figure if God had to earn HIS....I may very well have to earn mine as well. LOL!

 

I think that we are similar in this - there may be some underlying religious message which worked its way in very deep and has skewed us to this sort of thinking. We should maybe try Skittles' suggestion, my friend!

 

You terrific women have all been too kind One of the reasons I hang in LoveShack is that warm and generous folk like you have chosen to join and stay in this group. It is an honour to be among folks such as yourselves.

[nuthin]

Don't worry, your time will come.

[Thinkalot]

And remember Merry, we are all always changing and growing and improving, and people like us (self-aware, sensitive, trying to improve) will always find something else we can fix! You'll probably never get to a place where you can say "There is nothing else I can change/learn", because that is part of the reason we are here...to learn our lessons of this lifetime, and grow.

 

Also, if you believe in things happening when they are meant to, or fate or whatever, then you know things will simply happen when the time is right for you. That thought process sometimes helps me when my need to control life and events and people, kicks in a bit too strongly!

 

My partner and I actually met in meditation class! We were the only two young people in a group of oldies! And we just clicked, like it was meant to be. And it was the first time my love had ever been to such a class (i'd been going for a while), he said he just felt drawn to go in. So when I least expected it, in an unlikely venue, he walked into my life.

[quankanne]

and now for my two cents:

 

maybe we try so hard looking for answers that are complex, when really they're just something very, very simple or basic .... what that answer is only you can recognize, but start with the basics and the rest of the stuff falls into place.

 

smacks head

sort of like adding just a little bit of something to that pot of spaghetti sauce or stew that you wouldn't normally guess would make it taste so good, then you wonder how you ever managed to make copious amounts of that food without that one simple ingredient! (sorry, tummy's growling and brain automatically kicks up food analogies!)

 

quank

[lostforwords]

maybe we try so hard looking for answers that are complex, when really they're just something very, very simple or basic .... what that answer is only you can recognize, but start with the basics and the rest of the stuff falls into place

 

I tell myself this at least once a week.... and I even add to it here and there... unfortunately im still waiting.... and waiting.... and waiting.... lol....

[meanon]

Lost,

 

You are cute, smart and funny - shouldn't be a long wait!!

[HokeyReligions]

I think that I think that ...

 

THAT'S IT! You got it! Now accept that you deserve it because you thought it on your own!

 

Sometimes I feel that way only opposite. Sometimes I look at what I have and I wonder what I could have possibly done to have deserved it--I don't feel like I've earned it because once I get through a difficult situation I feel like "that wasn't so bad - I survived it and it didn't take the amount of effort I think it should have taken" so I think that I must not deserve to be as happy as I am.

 

I'm confusing myself -- SOP for me!

 

You are smart, an excellent communicator, and you have made it through your own pain - maybe its more a feeling of impatience with yourself. You are not settling for someone just to have someone because you know you wouldn't be happy and holding yourself out for the right person and relationship can be a very lonely place.

 

Maybe because you have had such unique experiences it is difficult to find someone who can relate to them and really understand, and have their own experiences that you can relate to and converse about. You have a lot of depth and not a lot of people have the patience, compassion, and passion to get past the surface - or the stamina to keep up with you -- but when you do find the right one it will be awesome.

Maybe the amorphous level of self-improvement you are seeking is deep within and you are also searching for someone else like you and you can delve those depths together. Take a look back over your accomplishment and look at what you have already survived and the pain you used to make yourself better than you were -- you deserve happiness, there is nothing else you need to do.

[moimeme]

Thinkalot:

 

Also, if you believe in things happening when they are meant to, or fate or whatever, then you know things will simply happen when the time is right for you.

 

I know. I'm just getting impatient LOL. Do you suppose if I sulk and pout a bit, Fate will take notice and hurry itself up?

 

So when I least expected it, in an unlikely venue, he walked into my life.

 

 

____________

Quank

 

maybe we try so hard looking for answers that are complex, when really they're just something very, very simple or basic .... what that answer is only you can recognize, but start with the basics and the rest of the stuff falls into place.

 

I'm hoping for the discernment I need to recognize those answers!

___________

Hokey

 

THAT'S IT! You got it! Now accept that you deserve it because you thought it on your own!

 

 

I survived it and it didn't take the amount of effort I think it should have taken" so I think that I must not deserve to be as happy as I am.

 

I hear that

 

You are not settling for someone just to have someone because you know you wouldn't be happy and holding yourself out for the right person and relationship can be a very lonely place.

 

You are absolutely correct.

 

Maybe because you have had such unique experiences it is difficult to find someone who can relate to them and really understand, and have their own experiences that you can relate to and converse about. You have a lot of depth and not a lot of people have the patience, compassion, and passion to get past the surface - or the stamina to keep up with you

 

... thank you. I think you've got some points there. I have thought about some of these things.

 

-- but when you do find the right one it will be awesome.

 

 

Maybe the amorphous level of self-improvement you are seeking is deep within and you are also searching for someone else like you and you can delve those depths together.

 

Without question, that would be the ideal. Don't suppose you happen to know anybody else kinda like me in that regard, huh?

 

Take a look back over your accomplishment and look at what you have already survived and the pain you used to make yourself better than you were -- you deserve happiness, there is nothing else you need to do.

 

Well, thanks! I think I'm starting to be convinced. I'll have to keep working on it. I truly appreciate the time you've all taken to ponder on me and my situation and reply.

[HokeyReligions]

Humans are such fragile, complex creatures; formed by their joys, their pain, their loves, their struggles, and their heartaches: every one worthy of love.

 

Silly Merry! Listen to YOURSELF!

[moimeme]

Silly Merry! Listen to YOURSELF

 

 

oops!

 

Boy, if ever one were hoist upon one's own petard!

[Arabess]

"Petard"???

 

All I can say Merry, is that when you DO meet him....I hope he's got a pocket dictionary so he can keep up with you!!!!

LOL!

[moimeme]

http://alt-usage-english.org/excerpts/fxhoistw.html

 

http://www.straightdope.com/classics/a1_295b.html

 

I tend to use it more often in the sense of getting caught not living up to one's own words; not so much a 'trap' as more of a 'pitfall' LOL.