Wife of 5yrs fallen out of love & wants divorce.

[Alpha Centauri]

Hello good people, busy forums you got goin here looks like. After a Google this seems like a good place to pour my heart out. I hope you can help and advise me as Im very lost....

 

Its funny how your world can change in an instant. One minute youre bumbling happily along and the next ::BAM:: the Universe decides to point in your direction and say "Its time".

 

I am a 35yr old male. She is 34.

 

In early September 2009 the nightmare began for me. My wife of 5 years sat me down to talk and said she loved me but was not in love with me anymore. Says all her feelings for me have vanished. I was so dumbstruck I thought she was kidding but then the changes began. She got a new hairdo. She stopped wearing her wedding ring. And then a month later something happened that crushed me. She moved into the spare room.

 

Needless to say its all over now and its just a matter of time before the heart-wrenching divorce proceedings begin.

 

You are no doubt wondering what on earth I could have done that made her do this. The answer is - nothing. In fact this IS the reason. Because of some bad habits of mine (gaming, very low libido) she basically has had enough.

 

I didnt cheat on her and neither did she cheat on me it was nothing like that. No 3rd person was involved. Instead she says I just didnt pay attention to her like a married guy should. Y'know - didnt take her on holidays, didnt take her out to fancy dinners enough, didnt socialize with her and her mates enough, moaned when she wanted to go shopping, grumbled and kept saying I wanna stay home and do some gaming instead of going someplace.

 

I'll be honest here: Shes right. With hindsight I take the majority of the blame. I did spend too much time doing everything else instead of being there for her and not taking her for granted. I loved her (still do) but was hopeless at expressing it. As a result even our love life suffered - and after struggling through 5 yrs of this not surprisingly she wants to bail. I dont want this to be over and she beleives me when I say I want to change but its too late. Shes determined to go. I can see why - we been married five years and we still have no kids. And this is without either of us using any protection. So now you have an idea of the root cause of this.

 

She says Im a wonderful guy and that I tick all the boxes except that I carried over all the habits I had when I was single into the marriage (again shes right) and says we were just not meant to be a couple. She said "You were just being you, its not your fault youre just built that way"

 

I disagree...I beleive I just didnt make time for her and didnt see it. To me everything was "normal" - a fault many guys fall into Im sure.

 

My only question is: Why why why did she not kick my ass this seriously earlier? I would have woken up and smelt the roses. We could have saved the marriage. Why wait 5 years to go completely cold and then tell me "game over".

 

Additionaly she confessed that she had been confiding in some friends about this since April 2008. Said she used to go over to cry there. I had no idea about all of this...why didnt she come to me and tell me these things. I was being the silly oblivious guy missing the signals. If only she had put her foot down and TOLD me

 

Im not angry at all....just sad. In fact the seperation will be very amicable, theres no nastiness at all. On a friendship level we click 100% but on a romantic level we failed....or I failed I guess.

 

Ive since learned from reading books and speaking to female friends that women can bottle up resentment for a long LONG time. Add another LONG to that.

 

Would really like to hear from those of you who have gone through/are going through this. How did you handle it? The feelings are horrible. You want a hole to open and swallow you. How did you deal with it. How long did it take to recover?

 

Would love to hear from you laides on here as well to get the female take on this.

 

Shes been staying at her parents place since December 16 and will return in Feb. Im alone in the house. Im learning to cope with the dreadful loneliness. Not hearing her voice, not seeing her scurrying around the house. And gosh the weekends are so hard to fill now. Waking up to an empty bed...

 

She plans to return, stay for a few days to get her stuff together and then move in with her best friend (who incidentally also told her husband it was over). After that the horrid legal stuff begins I guess and then we chart our own course through this sea of Life.

 

What I find fascinating event amidst my pain is that emotionally she is far stronger than me. I think in these situations women are stronger. Shes out there on holiday, hangin with her friends and family etc. Now Im not saying Im at hoime curled up in a ball crying but I do have moments where I get lost in thought feeling sad for whats been taken from me...knowing that she feels none of this for me anymore. She even told me "I can never be physical with you again"

 

Yet still a part of me clings to hope....although reality says its not happening...

 

Going crazy here and just needed to get this off my chest. Sorry if that was a ramble, thank you for reading.

[imagine]

Rebuild your marriage.

 

Your wife is fed up with your "individual activities". These are love busters. Learn to meet her needs. Find out exactly what these are.

 

Read the articles at Marriage Builders and call us back.

[Lizzie60]

You pretty much summed it up... you didn't take care of your M.. she felt you weren't giving a hoot about her... she probably gave you tons of signals..

 

I'm sorry but I don't buy your story that you had no idea this was coming... she probably had some kind of discussions about your relationship.

 

I don't believe that 2 persons can 'stay in love' for years and years... it's not humanly possible IMO...

 

Just because 2 people are married doesn't mean they WILL love each other for the rest of their life.. one will most probably fall out of love... or both at one point... it's normal IMO...

 

My only advice.. let her go.. move on...

[Alpha Centauri]

she probably gave you tons of signals..

 

I'm sorry but I don't buy your story that you had no idea this was coming... she probably had some kind of discussions about your relationship.

 

You are correct on both counts. And I did miss all the signals. What I should have said was that while I *knew* there was an issue (we did talk a lot about it) I didnt realize:

 

1. Just how badly it was affecting her.

2. The sheer gravity of the situation.

 

Yes...I messed up. They say you reap what you sow. I sowed a wind and now Im reaping a hurricane. I had this coming no excuses.

 

But the pain is there.....I miss her. I know I must snap out of it and move on. Thank you for your honest reply.

[OnlyJake]

Read 10 Stupid Things Couples Do to Mess Up Their Relationships.

[lkjh]

How can you be certain there isn't another guy involved? She gave the "I love you but not in love" talk, she changed her looks, wants a divorce with out trying, and blamed it all on you not giving her attention. Each of those things spell out OM

[Woggle]

Get over this and realize you are better off without her. No matter what you did she never would have been happy with you because her type is never satisfied. Be thankful she pulled this crap before the two of you had kids and stop blaming yourself.

[Brooke79]

I don't think that her changing her looks necessarily means that there is someone else. I lost a lot of weight before I got pregnant and went shopping. I felt like I was loosing myself in taking care of the kids and making sure they looked nice, getting myself dolled up became secondary. I looked back on my old pics before we had kids I remembered hey I shopped for myself and went to the salon. I also saw lots of old friends on facebook who were un-married and no kids and they looked fabulous so I decided to lose weight and get myself together. I was hoping too that my husband would appreciate it, and maybe it would give us some much needed sparks but he started throwing out allegations that I was dressing to impress someone else. You took your wife for granted, I am now beginning to see that that is the almost the norm in marriage. There are a few guys on here who say they didn't do anything wrong, but if you were to get the other side of the story I am sure that the majority of women would probably say something along the lines of neglect from their husband. Like my H and I sometimes joke about my single dating friends, she (meaning most women) just want to be loved that's all, and that doesn't change once we get married, in most cases we do a lot for the home and family and only want appreciation. I know your situation isn't the exact same because you guys don't have kids and all, and I'm sure there are other things, but romance, affection, and appreciation do carry lots of weight with women.

[Alpha Centauri]

....romance, affection, and appreciation do carry lots of weight with women

 

I loved her dearly and still do but I admit I failed miserably on all those counts. Expressing love is not something I was good at. Paying a heavy price now.

 

As for her cheating..I can see what you mean lkjh but honestly I trust her on this one and I genuienly feel that she is not cheating. I agree with Brooke that when women want emotional change they want to reflect it physically and this manifests itself (well in my situation at least) by her getting a smart new hairdo, removing the rings and moving out of the bedroom. Now shes left me alone in the house for 9 weeks while she holidays at her parents place. I mean...how many MORE signals do I need that she is so done with me.

 

Its hard not to blame myself. A woman just does not up and leave like this for no reason.

 

Its small comfort to me but at the very least I have learned an important lesson from this that I hope will serve me well in life so I dont repeat these mistakes.

 

The computer games can wait. The TV can wait. Hanging out with mates can wait. They arent going anywhere. Spend time with your woman fellers. Not sayin to give up all your hobbies - Im saying make *TIME* for your woman---> something I didnt do. And now...well...look where I am.

[LisaUk]

Nah, not buying her reasons at all. I was very unhappy with my ex about how much time he spent at work and when he was home gaming on the PC. He LEFT ME, b/c he felt I was too controlling of HIS time! Do some digging, I know it's hard to hear, but I've been here since June and I've seen it time and time again OM!

 

Sorry.

[CBIIS1]

Sounds like you were married to a baby. Get rid of her, there's no pleasing this type of female. I don't think your gaming was solely to blame for this. Her "needs" will always come first no matter who. Thank God you have no kids. She's looking for a man-bitch and you don't want to go there.

[sotagoon]

Nah, not buying her reasons at all. I was very unhappy with my ex about how much time he spent at work and when he was home gaming on the PC. He LEFT ME, b/c he felt I was too controlling of HIS time! Do some digging, I know it's hard to hear, but I've been here since June and I've seen it time and time again OM!

 

Sorry.

 

Not that I am one to be giving advice here...but I will tell you this...I was left for a number of reasons, one of which was that I cared too much.

 

I think that any time your sig other tells you that their departure is entirely because of what you ARE or ARE NOT.....they have issues with insecurity.

 

This stinks of OM and I'll be the first to tell you that. Now....her need to look for another man may have come from her unhappiness, but that is HER unhappiness, and unless that unhappiness comes from you being abusive or disrespectful....then it is all her issue because communicating what one's needs are is the most important part of a successful relationship.

 

I'm sorry...but mind-reading is not a necessary prerequisite for marriage.

Edited January 18, 2010 by sotagoon

[2sunny]

well at least RULE OUT the possibility of another man - start checking!

 

if she has nothing to hide this won't be a problem for her at all. check the computer, her cell phone - including the bill and texts, look for any extra email accounts or web site visits that you didn't previously know about... including her facebook page if she has one.

[mem11363]

You are lucky you have no kids.

 

You cannot rebuild with HER - she does not trust you with her emotions any more. You acted the way towards her that guys do to women they just "aren't that into". Not saying that is the case. Just saying that is the conclusion she would draw - well either that or you are just very self focused.

 

So start over with someone else. And next time stay emotionally connected. I IMMEDIATELY know if my wife is not happy. I don't wig out - and in general it is not caused by me so I am supportive but don't need to try to fix anything. But I am aware. And when I am the source we talk.

 

 

Hello good people, busy forums you got goin here looks like. After a Google this seems like a good place to pour my heart out. I hope you can help and advise me as Im very lost....

 

Its funny how your world can change in an instant. One minute youre bumbling happily along and the next ::BAM:: the Universe decides to point in your direction and say "Its time".

 

I am a 35yr old male. She is 34.

 

In early September 2009 the nightmare began for me. My wife of 5 years sat me down to talk and said she loved me but was not in love with me anymore. Says all her feelings for me have vanished. I was so dumbstruck I thought she was kidding but then the changes began. She got a new hairdo. She stopped wearing her wedding ring. And then a month later something happened that crushed me. She moved into the spare room.

 

Needless to say its all over now and its just a matter of time before the heart-wrenching divorce proceedings begin.

 

You are no doubt wondering what on earth I could have done that made her do this. The answer is - nothing. In fact this IS the reason. Because of some bad habits of mine (gaming, very low libido) she basically has had enough.

 

I didnt cheat on her and neither did she cheat on me it was nothing like that. No 3rd person was involved. Instead she says I just didnt pay attention to her like a married guy should. Y'know - didnt take her on holidays, didnt take her out to fancy dinners enough, didnt socialize with her and her mates enough, moaned when she wanted to go shopping, grumbled and kept saying I wanna stay home and do some gaming instead of going someplace.

 

I'll be honest here: Shes right. With hindsight I take the majority of the blame. I did spend too much time doing everything else instead of being there for her and not taking her for granted. I loved her (still do) but was hopeless at expressing it. As a result even our love life suffered - and after struggling through 5 yrs of this not surprisingly she wants to bail. I dont want this to be over and she beleives me when I say I want to change but its too late. Shes determined to go. I can see why - we been married five years and we still have no kids. And this is without either of us using any protection. So now you have an idea of the root cause of this.

 

She says Im a wonderful guy and that I tick all the boxes except that I carried over all the habits I had when I was single into the marriage (again shes right) and says we were just not meant to be a couple. She said "You were just being you, its not your fault youre just built that way"

 

I disagree...I beleive I just didnt make time for her and didnt see it. To me everything was "normal" - a fault many guys fall into Im sure.

 

My only question is: Why why why did she not kick my ass this seriously earlier? I would have woken up and smelt the roses. We could have saved the marriage. Why wait 5 years to go completely cold and then tell me "game over".

 

Additionaly she confessed that she had been confiding in some friends about this since April 2008. Said she used to go over to cry there. I had no idea about all of this...why didnt she come to me and tell me these things. I was being the silly oblivious guy missing the signals. If only she had put her foot down and TOLD me

 

Im not angry at all....just sad. In fact the seperation will be very amicable, theres no nastiness at all. On a friendship level we click 100% but on a romantic level we failed....or I failed I guess.

 

Ive since learned from reading books and speaking to female friends that women can bottle up resentment for a long LONG time. Add another LONG to that.

 

Would really like to hear from those of you who have gone through/are going through this. How did you handle it? The feelings are horrible. You want a hole to open and swallow you. How did you deal with it. How long did it take to recover?

 

Would love to hear from you laides on here as well to get the female take on this.

 

Shes been staying at her parents place since December 16 and will return in Feb. Im alone in the house. Im learning to cope with the dreadful loneliness. Not hearing her voice, not seeing her scurrying around the house. And gosh the weekends are so hard to fill now. Waking up to an empty bed...

 

She plans to return, stay for a few days to get her stuff together and then move in with her best friend (who incidentally also told her husband it was over). After that the horrid legal stuff begins I guess and then we chart our own course through this sea of Life.

 

What I find fascinating event amidst my pain is that emotionally she is far stronger than me. I think in these situations women are stronger. Shes out there on holiday, hangin with her friends and family etc. Now Im not saying Im at hoime curled up in a ball crying but I do have moments where I get lost in thought feeling sad for whats been taken from me...knowing that she feels none of this for me anymore. She even told me "I can never be physical with you again"

 

Yet still a part of me clings to hope....although reality says its not happening...

 

Going crazy here and just needed to get this off my chest. Sorry if that was a ramble, thank you for reading.

[hopesndreams]

My only question is: Why why why did she not kick my ass this seriously earlier? I would have woken up and smelt the roses. We could have saved the marriage. Why wait 5 years to go completely cold and then tell me "game over".

 

She's not leaving you to be out on her own. It was well planned out and then executed.

 

No one wants to believe there is an interloper in the M. That's the last thing in the world anyone wants to find out. Without the truth, you are left taking all the blame and she will come out of this smelling like a rose.

[TroyNJ]

My only question is: Why why why did she not kick my ass this seriously earlier? I would have woken up and smelt the roses. We could have saved the marriage. Why wait 5 years to go completely cold and then tell me "game over".

 

She's not leaving you to be out on her own. It was well planned out and then executed.

 

No one wants to believe there is an interloper in the M. That's the last thing in the world anyone wants to find out. Without the truth, you are left taking all the blame and she will come out of this smelling like a rose.

 

 

This is spot on unfortunately.

[reboot]

You *might* be right that's there isn't an OM, but I wouldn't bet the house on it. This is all classic, right out of the book.

[Rae80]

I came here through google, initially to post my own situation when I found your post. I am in a similar relationship. My husband and I have been married for 3 years now and I'm considering to get a divorce for roughly the same reasons you were given. Now me posting this probably doesn't help you much, but I wanted you to know that I share your pain. And maybe I can shed a little light on the other side. It is very painful to make a decision like this and your wife probably seems so strong now because she went through all this a little while ago. I know I am in pain trying to figure out what to do. And while I have never been married before, I know from other breakups that I always felt better once I made a decision (either way). It was almost a relief. Maybe your wife feels the same way now. If she is anything like me, she probably tried to tell you a million times in the past but somehow wasn't able to tell you in a way you understood. My husband and I seem to communicate so differently, that it just seems hopeless to even try anymore. A while back I found this article and that helped me understand my situation better, maybe it can answer some questions for you as well: http://www.divorcebusting.com/a_walkaway_wife.htm

On another note, I don't think her actions mean there is someone else. It certainly could, but I wouldn't read that into it if there are no other indicators. Women like to get new hairdos etc when things change in their lives - someone else or not.

[bestplayer]

I came here through google, initially to post my own situation when I found your post. I am in a similar relationship. My husband and I have been married for 3 years now and I'm considering to get a divorce for roughly the same reasons you were given. Now me posting this probably doesn't help you much, but I wanted you to know that I share your pain. And maybe I can shed a little light on the other side. It is very painful to make a decision like this and your wife probably seems so strong now because she went through all this a little while ago. I know I am in pain trying to figure out what to do. And while I have never been married before, I know from other breakups that I always felt better once I made a decision (either way). It was almost a relief. Maybe your wife feels the same way now. If she is anything like me, she probably tried to tell you a million times in the past but somehow wasn't able to tell you in a way you understood. My husband and I seem to communicate so differently, that it just seems hopeless to even try anymore. A while back I found this article and that helped me understand my situation better, maybe it can answer some questions for you as well: http://www.divorcebusting.com/a_walkaway_wife.htm

On another note, I don't think her actions mean there is someone else. It certainly could, but I wouldn't read that into it if there are no other indicators. Women like to get new hairdos etc when things change in their lives - someone else or not.

 

i think its only painful for op not his wife , she already said she does not love him .

still u think she is the victim ?

[LisaUk]

I came here through google, initially to post my own situation when I found your post. I am in a similar relationship. My husband and I have been married for 3 years now and I'm considering to get a divorce for roughly the same reasons you were given. Now me posting this probably doesn't help you much, but I wanted you to know that I share your pain. And maybe I can shed a little light on the other side. It is very painful to make a decision like this and your wife probably seems so strong now because she went through all this a little while ago. I know I am in pain trying to figure out what to do. And while I have never been married before, I know from other breakups that I always felt better once I made a decision (either way). It was almost a relief. Maybe your wife feels the same way now. If she is anything like me, she probably tried to tell you a million times in the past but somehow wasn't able to tell you in a way you understood. My husband and I seem to communicate so differently, that it just seems hopeless to even try anymore. A while back I found this article and that helped me understand my situation better, maybe it can answer some questions for you as well: http://www.divorcebusting.com/a_walkaway_wife.htm

On another note, I don't think her actions mean there is someone else. It certainly could, but I wouldn't read that into it if there are no other indicators. Women like to get new hairdos etc when things change in their lives - someone else or not.

 

You may want to read the article form divorce busting again and the rest of their site. I too have read that article many times and in your effort to try and find self justifications for leaving your marriage (it's a marriage, not another break up), you have missed their point. The point of divorce busters is to reconcile spouses and help them to communicate better. If you read it again, you will see that it clearly talks about how it is never too late for a women to recapture her feelings for her H through hard work and MC to address the issues. Have you tried to resolve the problems with your H? REALLY?

[Rae80]

i think its only painful for op not his wife , she already said she does not love him .

still u think she is the victim ?

 

I don't think she is the victim at all. I do however think that it probably wasn't painless for her to come to that decision either.

[Rae80]

You may want to read the article form divorce busting again and the rest of their site. I too have read that article many times and in your effort to try and find self justifications for leaving your marriage (it's a marriage, not another break up), you have missed their point. The point of divorce busters is to reconcile spouses and help them to communicate better. If you read it again, you will see that it clearly talks about how it is never too late for a women to recapture her feelings for her H through hard work and MC to address the issues. Have you tried to resolve the problems with your H? REALLY?

 

Lisa,

I have read that articles many a times. I also own the divorce busting book and another one of her's called getting through to the man you love. I don't think I am trying to find self justifications for leaving my marriage. I don't think I have missed the point either. I know our communication is a huge problem. And believe me I have tried everything I can think of besides MC. My husband is not interested in that. Yet I am still here and still trying. I don't want to get a divorce but I don't want to lead a miserable life either.

[LisaUk]

Lisa,

I have read that articles many a times. I also own the divorce busting book and another one of her's called getting through to the man you love. I don't think I am trying to find self justifications for leaving my marriage. I don't think I have missed the point either. I know our communication is a huge problem. And believe me I have tried everything I can think of besides MC. My husband is not interested in that.Then you tell him you need to speak with him and in a calm way explain how you feel and that you would like to work it out, but the only way you see that happening is MC. You tell him MC is the only option otherwise you want a divorce. I almost guarentee he will agree and if he doesn't, well then you can be certain you tried everything to save your marriage. Yet I am still here and still trying. I don't want to get a divorce but I don't want to lead a miserable life either.

 

I'm sorry if my previous post came across harshly, it's just I know how it feels to be left, with no opprtunity to work on things first. I am also very accustomed to walk aways posting on LS looking for people to tell them it's ok to walk, self-justifications and your post sounded that way to me. I apologise for getting the wrong end of the stick.

[Rae80]

I'm sorry if my previous post came across harshly, it's just I know how it feels to be left, with no opprtunity to work on things first. I am also very accustomed to walk aways posting on LS looking for people to tell them it's ok to walk, self-justifications and your post sounded that way to me. I apologise for getting the wrong end of the stick.

 

Thanks, Lisa. As far as saying go to MC with me or I want a divorce, I honestly don't think I'm quite ready for that yet. I feel that if I give him an ultimatum like that I also have to be prepared to walk away for good. In the meantime, I'm re-reading the divorce busting book. I might post some more about my situation a little later on. I have found that just reading other people's stories on here already helps. Even if it's just to know I'm not alone.

[Alpha Centauri]

Thank you all very much for taking the time to reply I really appreciate it. Its nice to see all your thoughts on this matter.

 

First thing I want to clear up is this: there is *no* 3rd person involved. I trust her for that and she has always been truthful. Im not even concerened about that.

 

She was extremely loving towards me which is why this situation is so shocking. Her switch-off was abrupt. One day she just stopped feeling, "The spark has just gone" she said. I sat there in shock for a good hour. That was September 2009.

 

Now Im in this horrid holding pattern waiting for her to return and then the meat-grindfer starts to turn as the legal & emotional stuff REALLY begins. Seeing her pack up and move out is going to be the most severe test I will ever face as a man. I hope I have the strength.

 

The only "good" thing is that theres no nastiness and bitterness. We are like best friends which kind of helps. I cant imagine how it must be for people who descend into shouting and hollering matches.

 

Rae80 thank you for a womans perspective that was very informative.

 

I know from other breakups that I always felt better once I made a decision (either way). It was almost a relief. Maybe your wife feels the same way now.

 

Its true...she does....she even told me this

 

If she is anything like me, she probably tried to tell you a million times in the past but somehow wasn't able to tell you in a way you understood.

 

Again this is spot-on

 

What I will agonize over is why now when at LAST i realize the error of my ways and know how to fix things - she is leaving. Somehow 2nd chances are a no-no. But then again if she has no love for me I cannot MAKE her love me.

 

Thanks again you guys..