Advice Needed Asap!!!

[jp13370]

I'm supposed to be getting married this week. I'm terrified. My fiance is 45 with a 12 year old son, I am 41 with a 11 year old son. I've raised my son as a single mom for all these years - we've been extremely close and now I'm getting married I feel like I'm breaking my son's heart.

 

He and I have such a close bond since his father died right after he was born. My fiance was one of my husband's best friends so I had hoped this would be the perfect father for my son but my son wants no part of this.

 

He doesn't want me to get married and he doesn't want to move into my fiance's home and have a brother, etc.

 

I am not 100% sure I want to get married but my fiance can provide me and my son with major security both emotionally and financially. Basically we'll be taken care of and I won't have to struggle as a single mom (it's been hard on me financially).

 

My son likes our house because it's peaceful and quiet - my fiance's house is a revolving door of teenage boys (his son and wild friends). We both are not used to this.

 

Another huge issue for me is the way my fiance raises his son vs. the way I raise my son. He lets his son do anything - alot of the time unsupervised. He never disciplines his son and in the past has let him look at porno magazines with the attitude "Boys will be boys". I think 12 years old is a bit too young to be looking at SWANK magazine. I am raising my son to have morals and respect women.

 

My dilemma is this - I have a chance to marry a guy who can provide huge emotional and financial stability (he loves me dearly and already takes really good care of me and my son by providing us with anything we want or need) or remain a struggling single mom for the rest of my life totally focusing on no one but my son.

 

I love my son so much and I see how scared he is of blending into a family and a new neighborhood and a new home - he thinks it isn't right and I shouldn't marry him. I'm so torn between my sons feelings and my feelings towards my fiance and marriage.

 

He wants to get married this week (we've talked about it, got engaged and planned on doing it this week) BUT I'm terrified, scared to death and am questioning whether or not this is the right thing to do. My son seems so unhappy.

 

I have been told by friends to put myself first then my family tells me I better not let my fiance go and that I need a life too and I shouldn't live my life being alone. - that I'm "not getting any younger and good husbands are harder to find the older I get".

 

I'm losing sleep and the clock is ticking - he wants to get our marriage license tomorrow. Any advice?

[Thinkalot]

I only have some opinions to offer really. This is a tough situation. If you love this man and want to marry him you should. You can try and make sure your son feels included and talk to him. Then again, blending two families CAN be very very difficult at the best of times, and that is an issue which can't be ignored, and if you are only marrying for security, I don't know if that is enough reason. There are plenty of people out there, and you could meet someone you really really love. Also, issues regarding raising kids should be discussed with your partner, to ensure there are groundrules set for when dealing with each others kids, and how you should handle that. Many kids resent being told what to do by someone who isn't their parent, for example. And you can't make people get on together.

 

The thing is, it's your life and your decisions. If you think your life will be better overall by marrying this man, then that's what you should do, with as much consideration for your son as possible. Try and make sure he is not suffering in the new house, and give him plenty of care and time. Make sure your partner is also sensitive to his feelings.

 

If you don't think your life will be better, then think very carefully about what you are doing and why you are doing it. Others here may have some other thoughts for you. Good luck to you!

[cindy0039]

Based on your post, I would say DON'T DO IT. Sorry. I think in your heart of hearts you know it's not the right thing for you and your son at this time (or possibly ever). Financial security is not a good enough reason for marriage, especially with the major differences in lifestyle you appear to have.

 

You really should have discussed these concerns with your boyfriend before now, but it's not too late.

[bark]

Based on your post, I would say DON'T DO IT. Sorry. I think in your heart of hearts you know it's not the right thing for you and your son at this time (or possibly ever). Financial security is not a good enough reason for marriage, especially with the major differences in lifestyle you appear to have.

 

You really should have discussed these concerns with your boyfriend before now, but it's not too late.

 

 

jp13370, listen to cindy, she's right.

[cdn]

Your post outlines several significant reasons for you not to marry your bf, key among them the differing parenting styles you have. This difference will only be exacerbated when you marry, so I would caution against.

 

But what I really want to say is that this statement of yours:

 

My dilemma is this - I have a chance to marry a guy who can provide huge emotional and financial stability (he loves me dearly and already takes really good care of me and my son by providing us with anything we want or need) or remain a struggling single mom for the rest of my life totally focusing on no one but my son.

 

is totally FALSE! There are outcomes other than the two you've outlined here. There is no reason you can't meet a man who will be both emotionally and financially supportive of you AND with whom you'll be compatible in other areas. I realize this seems unlikely now and that you are seeing things in the bleak terms you described, but it does not have to be like this. I also think that if you marry this man, you are going to have major problems with your son and the heartache from this will far exceed any heartache from postponing (or canceling) your wedding.

[Thinkalot]

I think cdn has hit on some really important points, which I touched on in my initial reply. I tried to sit on the fence a bit, so you could really make this choice yourself, looking at all sides, and because I know these posts don't always reveal your entire set of feelings etc. But honestly, the issues which come with blending families, and parenting styles cannot be ignored. Neither can the fact that marriage is hard work, even when you feel madly in love with someone, as opposed to "not 100% sure". Just think hard about those things.

[jp13370]

Thank you to everyone who has replied to my initial post. I wanted to add a few things that you all questioned or commented on.

 

I have been discussing everything openly with my fiance. We've talked about all my concerns - how I feel about how he parents his son compared to how I parent my son. We have totally different styles of parenting but he thinks that is because he is a man raising a son and I am a woman raising a son. His son is rowdy, rough and tough and my son is calm, well mannered and gentle. He says my son is too "soft". I say my son has been raised to be a gentleman not a wild indian.

 

We get along great and are very compatible until it comes down to our sons. The only arguments we have center around our boys. For instance he lets his son watch any movie he wants like American Pie, Jay and Silent Bob (most which have alot of sex and toilet humor in them). He lets his son play the most violent video games, etc. His son is 12 (6th grader).

 

I monitor what my son watches but actually my son has no desire to watch teen movies and walks away from the sex stuff because he just thinks it's gross to begin with. He's 11 (a 5th grader).

 

Also there has been some issues with us getting married and the way my fiance has talked to my son about it. He has spoken to my son several times (always when I'm preoccupied doing something else) and says "You know, me and your mom are getting married and you are just going to have to adjust".

 

My son takes this as if my fiance is saying "Too bad, this is gonna happen whether you like it or not". My son gets very defensive and begs me not to marry him.

 

Now my fiance claims he doesn't come across like this that my son is making things up and twisting his words.

 

My son said to me he's lying and that when I'm not around he talks to him like "Ha ha - we're getting married whether you like it or not". My fiance gets angry but my son sticks to his story and swears to me he says things like this.

 

I confronted my fiance and asked him why he tends to talk to my son about this when I'm preoccupied. This has me very concerned.

 

I don't know if it's typical of children this age to not accept the idea of their parent remarrying or if there is something there that my son sees in my fiance that could be bad news.

 

My fiance has done alot for my son (purchased clothes, toys, etc)., but my son sees this as just a ploy to impress me so I'll marry him. My son says he could do without everything he's bought him. My fiance bought him a Sony Playstation 2 for Christmas and my son thanked him but told me he thought it was just an act to impress me.

 

Has anyone else had to deal with blending a family with kids the same age?

[cdn]

Hi -

 

Sorry, I don't have experience with blended families with kids of the same age, but I am remarried, and I have two kids from my first marriage and one with my current husband. So I do have some experience in this area.

 

There are differences in how men handle things versus how women do, and there is data to back this up. These are differences of style, not substance. The differences you are describing about your bf and yourself seem to be differences of substance, as evidenced in the contrasting behaviors and attitudes of your two boys.

 

I would listen very carefully to what your son is telling you. While I don't think that kids should rule their parents' lives, I also know that I could not have married a man my children did not accept. In your case, I am concerned about what your son is telling you, i.e., that your bf speaks to him one way in private and a different way in front of you. Your bf claims your son is twisting his words. You know your child; I don't. But my instinct, based on what you've written here, is to believe your son. Have you, your bf and your son all sat down together to discuss this?

 

I also think your son makes a valid point about the gifts your bf has given him. Does your bf provide for your son in non-financial ways, i.e., spending time with him, talking to him, coaching his soccer team, going to the movies, helping with homework... you get the idea.

 

My final comment is that, once you are married, your different approaches to child rearing will likely only become more polarized, not less.

 

I wish you the best with whatever you decide.

[wiseOLDman]

jp, you have very valid concerns which justify postponing your marriage. You need to reconcile the differences in parenting and assuage your son's concerns before you make the step. At this point in time, your son needs to be your #1 priority because he's at a very impressionable stage in his life and while you may be financially better off being married, teenage turmoil is just around the corner. If your fiance is a stand-up guy, he'll understand and be there to support you. Best of luck to all of you.

[HurtinginVA]

What a dilema! But I have to say, I dont think you should do it. When I was 10 my mom(single mom of 3 kids at the time) married someone who sounds just like your fiance. He didnt have any of his kids with him though, but my mom thought this man could provide the emotional/financial/mental help she needed to give us a "better life". My sisters and I hated him with a passion. Begged her not to marry him. She didnt listen. I resented my mom for it, not now that Im older and understand what she was trying to do, but at that time...........

 

Your son's happiness is what is most important, and yours! All the PS2's in the world arent going to make him happy........If you marry this man, you will have a cloud overtop of your marriage to begin with (NEVER EVER a good thing), you will constantly be worried about your son's happiness, which in turn will make you unhappy, which will make him unhappier etc etc and the vicious cycle begins.

 

When my mom married her 2nd husband I had brand name clothes, my own bedroom, all the books and toys I could have ever wanted........but in the 1 1/2 years she was married to that man, I ran away from home 4 times. Dont get me wrong, Im not saying that will happen to your son or you.......but it seems like there a lot of issues going on here. Too many to ignore and too many to get married right now.

 

Go with your gut!

[lostforwords]

jp please please.... go with your gut instinct. Im sorry but kids are usually right when it comes to thier feelings.... by the sounds of it, your son has known this man for a long time.... well long enough to see how much his mother loves this man..... and your son realizes what and how he is feeling or how this man is making him feel...... i know you would want to be happy financially secure with your son etc when you marry this man.... however..... what good is your relationship when your son is not happy?????? trust me when i say this .... dont do it.