Backslides arrrgghhh!

[cyabye]

OK, vent on!

 

I need a little self esteem boost. The STBX tells me today the man she cheated on me with right after our son was born (who is an old boyfriend) left his wife (his 2nd marriage and has total of 5 kids)for her after she told him not to. WTF? How does she think this would ever work? I told her how can you trust a man who cheated on his wife with you while you are married too? She said she was the only one he cheated on with. She still does not get it. They are both cheaters. I tried to give her advice but it falls onto deaf ears just like our marriage.

 

The reason I post this is lately I've been down in the dumps about everything. I work in the emergency medical field (in a busy emergency room now) and seem stuck (at least for now). I make enough money to support myself, two kids and now mother but as ambitious as I am, I cannot catch a "break" to do something better. I would like to get back into school but finances are tight and I am not eligible for a grant at this time.

 

Don't get me wrong. I am grateful for my job (especially during this recession) but it did bruise my ego a bit to take it as it is entry level/stepping stone (going nowhere). I gave up a good job to move back closer to see my kids and did this on the short term but it's been 2 years now. I read somewhere that men relate their "manly-ness" to the job that they do and that sounds about right.

 

Lately, I've been lonely and missing the physical aspects of my STBX (but that's it). It still hurts at times that she is with someone else even though I am so glad we are no longer together. I feel depressed at times and for some reason this week was especially bad for me. I know I was NOT the perfect husband. I had serious anger issues due to my STBX's activites/ways but I always tried to do the best for everyone involved (putting my wants and needs on hold).

 

I know I am strong independent young (35) man but I feel like I wasted so much of my life. I know I can do better career wise and I will once I can get into school. It just seems so far away. I'm impatient. I want it now. I want to move on and live again (it's been almost 2 years now since D day).

 

I guess I need to hear from you guys that her relationship is doomed and one day I will feel even more vindicated for her completely destroying my(and the kids) life. Yes, I do wish her life would fall apart as I believe this is the only way for one to learn/grow. Before anyone asks, NO, I do not want this cheating, lying, sneaky, manipulative, leaving, stealing, no good woman back. OK, vent off!

 

Chrome, Gunny you there?

 

Thanks,

cyabye

Edited January 18, 2010 by cyabye

[Gunny376]

Statistically they've got a snowball's chance in Hell of making it work. For the reasons that you've listed, as well as the No.# 1 relationships fail is due to finances.

 

With five children to pay support for? That's not going to leave too much "finance" for romance. And without "finance" there's not going to be any romance.

 

You stated that your 35, and I assume the STBXW is about the same age. Men 'perk' sexually around age 18, however having higher testosterone levels, (the hormone that drives the sex drive) they stay pretty much level in their desire for sex for the better part of their lives ~ although it does drop off in the ensuing years.

 

Most women reach their sexual peak in the late twenties to late thirties.

 

Now none of this is absolute, and varies from individual to individual for both men and women.

 

Quit worrying about her. You can bet she's not sitting around worrying about you and has other things, (and people) on her mind.

 

When one does through the divorce/separation process ~ depending if your the "dumper" or "dumpee" your ego, self confidence, self esteem, self pride etc takes one in the bow.

 

That's the first thing that you need to get back up and running, and that's entirely up to you in how long it takes.

 

You've got to check your internal "self talk" and use some self discipline. You know what you did and didn't do. Don't sit around beating yourself up with a bunch of "shouldve's, couldve's, wouldve's!"

 

You did the best you could and knew how to do at the time. Had you known then what you know now? Things might have turned out differently than did, and then again? Maybe not?

 

The thing is? Your starting over. You had to do what you had to do, putting the welfare and your present and future relationship with you children before your own wants, needs, and desires.

 

Newsflash! That's what being a parent is all about. If that means you have to put your own personal hopes and dreams on hold for the time being? So be it.

 

In the meantime you need to come up with a plan. You need to go talk to some people, explain your situation. Go to the college/university and get a catalog, speaking with the folks at the registrars office and finds out what you need to do.

 

The quickist and fastest way would be for you to enlisting in the National Guard, or the Army, Air Force Reserve. They're dishing out big bucks to education, the New GI Bill (for education) is awesome.

 

With your background in the medical field, you could extend your experience and expand your resume. And yes I realize your thrity five, might be out of shape, etc. But its worth looking into. (If you think your too old? Your not. There's a such thing called "waviers" when it comes to the military.) The retirement isn't as great for National Guardsmen and Reservist, (about half of what it would be for someone that served on active duty for 20+ years) But at age 62, you get a retirement check that you only have to pay federal income tax on, (No social security, medicare taxes, you get commissary privileges ~ (the grocery store on base, name brand groceries with no sales tax, although you do have to pay a 5% surcharge) PX priviledges ~ name brand clothing, electronics, you name it.

 

For you I would recommend (in the following order)

 

The Air National Guard

The Air Force Reserve

The Navy Reserve

Your States Nationonal Guard

The Navy Reserve

The Army Reserve

 

I'd by-pass the Marines. They don't have a medical corps ~ they use Navy Corpsman. Those that the Marine Reseves use, are primarly those that have already served as such with the Active Duty Marines on Active Duty, have gotten out and joined the Navy Reserve.

 

I don't know what your background in the medical field is nor what your current level of education is ~ nor what your goals are? But the Navy is begging for medical personal on both active and reseve status. Especially if you've got experienc in an ER.

 

Another solution would be to contact the Dept of Education and see what if any grants, scholarships might be available. Pick up the phone and call.

 

Contact your state Dept of Health, and see if their are any programs that might exsist to assist you in achieving your goals. You've got to dig and work for it. Get on the phone and start dialing for dollars.

 

Speak with any and everyone you can ~ its called "networking" and its how things are done to get where you want and need to be in life.

[cyabye]

Gunny,

 

Thanks for replying and in such length. I know that took awhile to write. The option to join the military is a good one however, I was entry level seperated from the Navy at 18 for asthma. Most of my experience is emergency medical services (EMT, dispatcher, flight coordinator, supervisor) and I am limited as to what I can do here where I currently live. I only have a high school diploma with EMT training from a community college. I had a plan that I was working on but it fell through. So onto plan B, C, D, etc. LOL!

 

My STBX is 5 years older than me (40) and had a partial hysterectomy years ago. So, I am not sure how that affects her hormones, change of life etc. She has bad reputation and bad past track record for infidelity. Her parents know how she is but they do nothing, say nothing and enable her behavior. So be it.

 

Aside from her, starting over has been extremely hard. I know I have options. I know it's normal to be depressed for some time and I have my ups and downs. I am doing the best I can and it's hard not to feel sorry for yourself at times. Anyway, I really appreciate you replying.

 

cya

[Gunny376]

One of the truly GREAT THINGS about being a retired United States Marine Gunnery Sergeant?

 

Is you can tell the World and everyone in it to just "Kiss your @zz!"

 

I went "DI" on the local store manger of the local Super

Center WalMart.

 

"THIS IS ABSOLUTE INCOMPETNECE! THIS ISN'T YOUR CSM FAULT, THIS ISN'T YOUR ASSISTANT'S MANAGERS FAULT! THIS IS YOURs AND A COMPLETE AND ABSOULTE LACK OF MANAGEMENT!

 

THEY DIDN'T FAIL YOU! YOU FAILED THEM! YOU FAILED TO TRAIN YOUr PEOPLE TO DO THEIR JOB!

 

IF I DID MY JOB THE WAY YOU DID YOURS? I'D BE FREAKING UN-EMPLOYED! YOU DON'T GET PAID TO MAKE MISTAKES!

 

YOU DON'T GET PAID TO SAY "MY BAD!

You get paid to get it right each and eveytime!

 

You get paid to get it right the first time"

Ditto with the local post office!

 

You can bet your last dollar that the local post master will not hand over "Certified Mail" to anyone but you! And not to your landlord!

 

To this very day, you can bet there's not a cashier that doesn't ask you if you want "Cash Back" from your debit card purchase!

 

With that and the military option off of the table?

 

We need to find you a way to achieve your goals.

 

What are they?

 

PM me.

 

BTW? I'm of the type of the 800 pound gorilla sitting on your desk and in your face!

 

I have no shame, (Hey, I've been through the Corps, divorce, separation, combat, the Marines, disrespect, humiliation, mountain warfare, desert warfare, winter warfare, jungle warfare, survivor training? WTF are you going to do to me? Shave my head and make me enlist in the Marines?)

[Chrome Barracuda]

God why are you talking to her. You can't change stupidity. She knows she's dealing with a cheater but is in such denial she will not coherently listen to you, because she's so in love with the fantasy.

 

I mean it's an affair and she has to realize that this man will cheat with you, he'll cheat on you as well..

 

But dont talk to her about it. Ignore her and erase her from your life. dont waste your breath with such a dumb bitch.

 

I wouldnt!

[LisaUk]

One of the truly GREAT THINGS about being a retired United States Marine Gunnery Sergeant?

 

Is you can tell the World and everyone in it to just "Kiss your @zz!"

 

I went "DI" on the local store manger of the local Super

Center WalMart.

 

"THIS IS ABSOLUTE INCOMPETNECE! THIS ISN'T YOUR CSM FAULT, THIS ISN'T YOUR ASSISTANT'S MANAGERS FAULT! THIS IS YOURs AND A COMPLETE AND ABSOULTE LACK OF MANAGEMENT!

 

THEY DIDN'T FAIL YOU! YOU FAILED THEM! YOU FAILED TO TRAIN YOUr PEOPLE TO DO THEIR JOB!

 

IF I DID MY JOB THE WAY YOU DID YOURS? I'D BE FREAKING UN-EMPLOYED! YOU DON'T GET PAID TO MAKE MISTAKES!

 

YOU DON'T GET PAID TO SAY "MY BAD!

 

You get paid to get it right each and eveytime!

 

You get paid to get it right the first time"

 

Ditto with the local post office!

 

You can bet your last dollar that the local post master will not hand over "Certified Mail" to anyone but you! And not to your landlord!

 

To this very day, you can bet there's not a cashier that doesn't ask you if you want "Cash Back" from your debit card purchase!

 

With that and the military option off of the table?

 

We need to find you a way to achieve your goals.

 

What are they?

 

PM me.

 

BTW? I'm of the type of the 800 pound gorilla sitting on your desk and in your face!

 

I have no shame, (Hey, I've been through the Corps, divorce, separation, combat, the Marines, disrespect, humiliation, mountain warfare, desert warfare, winter warfare, jungle warfare, survivor training? WTF are you going to do to me? Shave my head and make me enlist in the Marines?)

 

Gunny, I would love to meet you one day! I can just see you losing it in the Wal Mart, would love to have been there! LOL I've started taking a leaf out of your book recently, got on the train the other day and this middle aged women is pushing me, I couldn't move down the d**m train there were people with luggage in front of me, but no, she kept on pushing. Until that is I turned round on her and told her to stop pushing me (before I would have just put up with it), she came back with "well there pushing me behind", so I told her "well then, ask the people behind to stop pushing" I was polite, but I so wanted to add "it's not b*****y rocket science!" LOL

 

OP, it's tough for you right now b/c you don't feel as if you can move forward of get anywhere you wnat to go, that's why you are thinking about your ex and why what she is doing is effecting your feelings. You're remembering how your life was before her cheating and your subconcious mind is hackering after the life you had and so you are feeling frustrated by her behviour. Keep ploughing on with your plans and maybe try and focus your thoughts on what you do have going for you as this will keep the subconcious mind in check. Like that fact that you are no longer with the local bike! (You said she has a bad reputation). And, you found out what she really is before you gave anymore of your precious life to her, you had a lucky escape my friend, laugh at her stupidity. And, yes, one day he will cheat on her, they always do.

[cyabye]

God why are you talking to her. You can't change stupidity. She knows she's dealing with a cheater but is in such denial she will not coherently listen to you, because she's so in love with the fantasy.

 

I mean it's an affair and she has to realize that this man will cheat with you, he'll cheat on you as well..

 

But dont talk to her about it. Ignore her and erase her from your life. dont waste your breath with such a dumb bitch.

 

I wouldnt!

 

Yeah I know. I have to talk to her somewhat as we have 2 kids together. It just "awes" me that someone can be so "stupid". Thanks Chrome.

 

cya

[cyabye]

Gunny, I would love to meet you one day! I can just see you losing it in the Wal Mart, would love to have been there! LOL I've started taking a leaf out of your book recently, got on the train the other day and this middle aged women is pushing me, I couldn't move down the d**m train there were people with luggage in front of me, but no, she kept on pushing. Until that is I turned round on her and told her to stop pushing me (before I would have just put up with it), she came back with "well there pushing me behind", so I told her "well then, ask the people behind to stop pushing" I was polite, but I so wanted to add "it's not b*****y rocket science!" LOL

 

OP, it's tough for you right now b/c you don't feel as if you can move forward of get anywhere you wnat to go, that's why you are thinking about your ex and why what she is doing is effecting your feelings. You're remembering how your life was before her cheating and your subconcious mind is hackering after the life you had and so you are feeling frustrated by her behviour. Keep ploughing on with your plans and maybe try and focus your thoughts on what you do have going for you as this will keep the subconcious mind in check. Like that fact that you are no longer with the local bike! (You said she has a bad reputation). And, you found out what she really is before you gave anymore of your precious life to her, you had a lucky escape my friend, laugh at her stupidity. And, yes, one day he will cheat on her, they always do.

 

Thanks Lisa. You are so right. Sometimes my emotions get the best of me. I usually keep them in check but what you said was spot on. I am training my mind to focus on what I do have (and be so grateful for)rather than what I don't have (envy?) or what I thought I lost (in regards to her.....dead weight).

 

Just a little more info regarding him and her. He already went back to his wife once and she was "hurt". I normally don't wish bad on others but in her case it would be justified. I need to put this behind me and forgive her "stupidity" and move on. But how? Thought I was doing well and had a backslide. Thanks so much for your support.

 

cya

[cyabye]

One of the truly GREAT THINGS about being a retired United States Marine Gunnery Sergeant?

 

Is you can tell the World and everyone in it to just "Kiss your @zz!"

 

I went "DI" on the local store manger of the local Super

Center WalMart.

 

"THIS IS ABSOLUTE INCOMPETNECE! THIS ISN'T YOUR CSM FAULT, THIS ISN'T YOUR ASSISTANT'S MANAGERS FAULT! THIS IS YOURs AND A COMPLETE AND ABSOULTE LACK OF MANAGEMENT!

 

THEY DIDN'T FAIL YOU! YOU FAILED THEM! YOU FAILED TO TRAIN YOUr PEOPLE TO DO THEIR JOB!

 

IF I DID MY JOB THE WAY YOU DID YOURS? I'D BE FREAKING UN-EMPLOYED! YOU DON'T GET PAID TO MAKE MISTAKES!

 

YOU DON'T GET PAID TO SAY "MY BAD!

 

You get paid to get it right each and eveytime!

 

You get paid to get it right the first time"

 

Ditto with the local post office!

 

You can bet your last dollar that the local post master will not hand over "Certified Mail" to anyone but you! And not to your landlord!

 

To this very day, you can bet there's not a cashier that doesn't ask you if you want "Cash Back" from your debit card purchase!

 

With that and the military option off of the table?

 

We need to find you a way to achieve your goals.

 

What are they?

 

PM me.

 

BTW? I'm of the type of the 800 pound gorilla sitting on your desk and in your face!

 

I have no shame, (Hey, I've been through the Corps, divorce, separation, combat, the Marines, disrespect, humiliation, mountain warfare, desert warfare, winter warfare, jungle warfare, survivor training? WTF are you going to do to me? Shave my head and make me enlist in the Marines?)

 

 

Gunny,

 

LMAO about the Walmart thing. Funny thing is my ex used to work for walmart for years. Only "goal" she ever had was to see when American Idol was coming on. LOL. My life now is so much better now. Believe it or not, I have more money in my pocket even after the CS etc.

 

But serious, my goal is to continue helping others. It's part of my nature. I can't see myself being happy doing anything else. Everything I've done in my adult life is related to helping others (hence the medical field). I've seen alot in regards to life threatening emergencies (medical, trauma, pain and suffering etc.). I know you've been and seen far more than I ever had and I respect your opinion and appreciate all the advice you offer me.

 

My goal now is to become a respiratory therapist (RT). It's a lofty goal due to school, work, family obligations. MY MIND IS MY BIGGEST ENEMY!!! I was going to work on obtaining my paramedic but those plans did not work out. Now, I also enjoy working in the hospital as it's the only social life I have now (which is pathetic).

 

The reason I would like to be a RT is because I lost my father to lung ca. He died a slow miserable death. He suffered greatly. I'm FIRMLY AGAINST smoking. In EMS, airway management was my favorite. It's just like Mr. Miyagi said in the "Karate Kid", " no breath, no life". LOL! This is where my mind (and my goals) are "today". I do keep my mind open to other opportunities etc. Thanks for the motivation. I know what "needs" to be done. I just need to get off my azz and make it happen. I must also learn patience. Thanks again.

 

cya

Edited January 18, 2010 by cyabye

[LisaUk]

Don't beat yourself up over the patience thing, I'm back at university (school) doing law but it means I have to live with my parents (my mum is controlling and a bully), plus I am 34 years old. While I am grateful that I have a home and that I am in school on track to qualify as a solicitor, I still get frustrated and impateinet knowing I have to be here for another 1 and half years at least! I find it helps to think about what I do have, stay focused and know I am on the path out of here to a better life. I know you aren't on a path out of your situation yet, but you will be and you're already on the path of getting on the path! (If that made any sense! LOL).

[cyabye]

Don't beat yourself up over the patience thing, I'm back at university (school) doing law but it means I have to live with my parents (my mum is controlling and a bully), plus I am 34 years old. While I am grateful that I have a home and that I am in school on track to qualify as a solicitor, I still get frustrated and impateinet knowing I have to be here for another 1 and half years at least! I find it helps to think about what I do have, stay focused and know I am on the path out of here to a better life. I know you aren't on a path out of your situation yet, but you will be and you're already on the path of getting on the path! (If that made any sense! LOL).

 

 

Makes perfect sense. The problem I have is I am way too "experienced" for the job that I do. My co workers (nurses etc.) know this and do treat me with respect. Gunny would understand how I feel. It's like being a gunnery sgt. with years of experience (life and professional) and working around nothing but brand new second lieutentants (and officer candidates).

 

I do not have the option to attend school only. I must work fulltime plus to take care of my 2 kids and now my mother (she stays with me now). I am committed to them first. My biggest worry is working fulltime (plus) and doing well in a very demanding program in college (not to mention funding it).

 

Thanks,

cya

[Gunny376]

I use to have Lt's for lunch!

 

I'm on it!

 

Have you ever had a pissed off Marine on your @zz?