I don't get it

[Fallen Angel]

Guess I just needed to know that I was not alone. That my marriage was not the only imperfect one. Was looking for thoughts of others.

 

So you are checking out infidelity and OW/OM boards? Kind of like, well, at least my marriage isn't THAT screwed-up? LMAO.. we are a bit of a dysfunctional bunch here, but even though we fight like cats and dogs, we also close ranks (OW/OM side by side with BW/BM) and fight against outsiders that come in and stir the pot, so to say.. glad to find out you are experiencing issues, rather than that you just want to beat up on someone...cause when the gloves get pulled off this place can get nasty!

 

Do you want to talk about what is going on? Or is it enough just to know that we are more emotionaly messed up than you?

 

I hope you take the way I am asking this with the tone in which it is meant, I really do want you to open up and talk if you want to..

[skywriter]

Jeff,

 

The MM that I've been involved with has admitted to me that his W shows him no affection.

 

Now, I have no way of knowing if this is true or not.

 

I don't understand how meaningless sex, (meaningless on his part, anyway) is helping. However, he, like, most men doesn't want to talk about it.

 

I am single and hadn't been involved with anyone for five, nearly six yrs. when he started persuing me.

 

It's definitly no cure for loneliness, nor a lack of affection from your SO.

 

I'd reccommend either contacting a divorce atty. or seeking counseling, maybe.

[Got it]

So many on here are involved with other married people. I don't get it.

 

You are ok with being used for sex and coming in second best? You agree to this arrangement? You actually trust someone who is cheating on their spouse to tell you the truth?

 

I'm sorry, I don't understand. I only come in second to my family.

 

I guess we can agree to disagree. I was never "used for sex". I will agree I came in second best, to his kids, which I am perfectly okay with.

 

And yep, I do trust him, as he trusts me.

 

I agree, cheating is a poor coping mechanism that we have both needed to do therapy to get figure out why we deemed that the most comfortable action/reaction. It has actually been a very humbling experience but I know, for myself, I have learned a great deal about myself.

[Got it]

Only because more OWs don't demand to be first. If you're willing to settle for less, you'll get less. If you believe you're worth more, and insist on that as your bottom line from the outset, that's what you'll get.

 

Hear Hear!!!

[skylarblue]

I know my MM is just "using" me for sex, and I am ok with it. I am just using him for my own reasons also. My BFF/M says I’m his dream escape. My BFF/F says I’m his free hooker. It really is amazing how “empty” our A is. I don’t require, demand, or expect anything and I’m always “on” for him. He doesn’t have to do anything other than treat me respectfully and stay married. I don’t mind that I come in second best or even relate/expect to be second, third, etc. I don’t expect to be a "priority" in his life as he is not in mine. We make time to see each other several times a week and talk nearly daily, but we are not an integral part of each other’s life. And I don’t have an issue with trusting him. He has no reason to lie to me. We’re not in it for a R so the bullsh*t lines he has to give me are non-existent and he knows I don’t care about what he does when he's with his W or family.

[Zarah]

Before I began my relationship with my MM I could never understand why women would ever want to come "second" (if even second). But, I somehow find myself deeply in love with an unavailable man. I have experienced the highest highs and the lowest lows of my life in this relationship. He is unbelievably good to me when we are together and I have never gotten along better with anyone in my life. We have so much fun and I have never laughed so hard or smiled so much with anyone like I do with him. Nonetheless he still goes home to his wife. This is something I know, and something I cannot do anything about. It hurts me that he does not love me enough to be with me, because in my heart I believe a man will move mountains to get the woman he loves. I can end this at any time - but it is my love for him that keeps me around. I would say there is a very thin line between love and insanity. I never want to be involved with a married man again after this and never planned on it in the first place.

[Woggle]

Some women simply want what they can't have and a MM is the utimate forbidden fruit to them. Let most of these women actually get what they claim to want and watch them get bored and lose interest very fast.

[pureinheart]

Jeff, you would be so surprised how the majority of these A's are never intended. It is usually a process or possibly a chain of events in the OW/OM and MM/MW. I am not saying that "they just happen", because at some point there is a choice, although at the point of "choice" the point of not caring of consequences takes over for whatever reason....and there are many reasons. Very rarely does a person wake up in the morning with the "intent" of having an A or "looking" for participants.

 

I have been a BS and was involved in an EA with a MM in which I called off.

 

Jeff, I cannot tell you the hell I went through, I believe (I would love to lay all of the blame on MM, although...nope) both MM and me were both very vulnerable (there are many details that I know you would be able to see how this could happen), we worked directly together and our M's were over already. I D my H and about 2 yrs later him and his W D.

 

Like you said, cheat away, not your problem and I communicate this as I feel the same concerning others as I am no one that can judge. Cheating is not for me, living together is not for me, having sex before M is not for me...it doesn't make me worse nor better than anyone...it just makes me me...

[White Flower]

So many on here are involved with other married people. I don't get it.

 

You are ok with being used for sex and coming in second best? You agree to this arrangement? You actually trust someone who is cheating on their spouse to tell you the truth?

 

I'm sorry, I don't understand. I only come in second to my family.

 

Being used for sex? Hey, if both people are enjoying it then they must be using each other. In fact, married couples use each other for sex on a regular basis but as long as we say the magic words I love you then all of a sudden we are not using each other. What a crock!

 

What do you mean, 'I only come in second to my family'?

[pureinheart]

Being used for sex? Hey, if both people are enjoying it then they must be using each other. In fact, married couples use each other for sex on a regular basis but as long as we say the magic words I love you then all of a sudden we are not using each other. What a crock!

 

What do you mean, 'I only come in second to my family'?[/QUOTE]

 

WF...this very thing you brought up does have me concerned about my current R (whatever one would call it)...I want I love you, to be just that....not just words to get me into bed or vice versa, you know?

 

(Bold) This is the question I was really seeking and did not understand in the very first post.

[pureinheart]

Actually in most of the A's that I have seen...in my line of work it was very common as there were a lot of men and women that worked together closely. Actually the BS was second to the A...some BS's cared, some didn't, all different kinds of situations. Alot of the times the WS would go home to see the kids and take a shower priddy much...as far as the financial aspect, both spouses worked soooo.

 

In fact I remember back in '85 our "vehicle" was headed to it's new home and they sent anyone who wanted to go with it to finish it up....OMG, I think everyone that went got D after that. I didn't go because I heard everyone was partying hardy, and knew I'd get into trouble so stayed home on unemployment.

[White Flower]

Being used for sex? Hey, if both people are enjoying it then they must be using each other. In fact, married couples use each other for sex on a regular basis but as long as we say the magic words I love you then all of a sudden we are not using each other. What a crock!

 

What do you mean, 'I only come in second to my family'?[/QUOTE]

 

WF...this very thing you brought up does have me concerned about my current R (whatever one would call it)...I want I love you, to be just that....not just words to get me into bed or vice versa, you know?

 

(Bold) This is the question I was really seeking and did not understand in the very first post.

Yes, in a perfect world we want sex and love to be all rolled up into a perfect bundle of joy each and every time. Yet, even in the happiest of Ms, one might not be feeling the love as much as the other due to exhaustion, kids, stress, etc., yet we still give in to the act out of a sense of duty. Duty is another word for service which in turn is another word for use. Married couples use each other all the time for sex. And so it is true for the MP/OP.

 

But so many want to focus on the OP being used when in reality we all use each other whether we're in love or not.

 

But I do want to add that most often in the affair sex is white-hot, full of passion, and yes, very loving. It was so much better than the sex in my M and I'll never regret it. It was more like real love-making, even when sex wasn't involved. That's why we have affairs.

Edited January 19, 2010 by White Flower

[pureinheart]

I guess we can agree to disagree. I was never "used for sex". I will agree I came in second best, to his kids, which I am perfectly okay with.

 

And yep, I do trust him, as he trusts me.

 

I agree, cheating is a poor coping mechanism that we have both needed to do therapy to get figure out why we deemed that the most comfortable action/reaction. It has actually been a very humbling experience but I know, for myself, I have learned a great deal about myself.

 

Wow, this is way cool....it was a very humbling exerience for me too and also have learned a great deal about me....

 

Got it, I love how you communicated this....there are many that make the A sound soooo "seedy", you know? You just feel on the defensive and are put on the defensive all of the time.

 

Those who constantly condemn have so many skeletons in their closet that it isn't funny most of the time, it's ironic how the quilt causes condemnation towards others.

[OWoman]

Some women simply want what they can't have and a MM is the utimate forbidden fruit to them. Let most of these women actually get what they claim to want and watch them get bored and lose interest very fast.

 

Well, it's been a couple of years now since my MM left his xW, and we've been together full-time for a good chunk of that, and no sign of boredom yet...

[pureinheart]

Originally Posted by Woggle

Some women simply want what they can't have and a MM is the utimate forbidden fruit to them. Let most of these women actually get what they claim to want and watch them get bored and lose interest very fast.

 

 

 

Well, it's been a couple of years now since my MM left his xW, and we've been together full-time for a good chunk of that, and no sign of boredom yet... (bold) by O Woman....

 

And O Woman, your still with him too!

 

Well, have to say it's been almost 3 yrs since MM has been exMM counting separation and D and we fight, he's been through a lot, I bitch, we both pull away, we both STILL can't seem to live without each other...and neither of us is seeing nor thinking of anyone else.....we might has well be M for Gods sake...no actually we are both going to go to councelling first. I don't think either of us has lost interest....in fact it has increased.

[Jeff1962]

So you are checking out infidelity and OW/OM boards? Kind of like, well, at least my marriage isn't THAT screwed-up? LMAO.. we are a bit of a dysfunctional bunch here, but even though we fight like cats and dogs, we also close ranks (OW/OM side by side with BW/BM) and fight against outsiders that come in and stir the pot, so to say.. glad to find out you are experiencing issues, rather than that you just want to beat up on someone...cause when the gloves get pulled off this place can get nasty!

 

Do you want to talk about what is going on? Or is it enough just to know that we are more emotionaly messed up than you?

 

I hope you take the way I am asking this with the tone in which it is meant, I really do want you to open up and talk if you want to..

 

I did not come here to stir anything. I don't view others situations to make me feel better about myself.

 

Talk about what is going on? I'm tired of walking around with a raging hardon and wife won't touch me. Tried last nite. Blammo. Shot down again. That's what's going on.

[pureinheart]

Yes, in a perfect world we want sex and love to be all rolled up into a perfect bundle of joy each and every time. Yet, even in the happiest of Ms, one might not be feeling the love as much as the other due to exhaustion, kids, stress, etc., yet we still give in to the act out of a sense of duty. Duty is another word for service which in turn is another word for use. Married couples use each other all the time for sex. And so it is true for the MP/OP.

 

But so many want to focus on the OP being used when in reality we all use each other whether we're in love or not.

 

But I do want to add that most often in the affair sex is white-hot, full of passion, and yes, very loving. It was so much better than the sex in my M and I'll never regret it. It was more like real love-making, even when sex wasn't involved. That's why we have affairs.

 

WF,

 

He chased me...I resisted for years, didn't think he was my type, then one day at work I looked at him and fell stone cold in love, right there and it has not changed, it has been clouded and there is much hurt, but that is the fact...actually the "second" thing that might normally go on did not in our case....I was first.

 

This forum has heard nothing but my anger over the years concerning exMM and most of it rightly so, I've been very hurt...but I do love him...that saying that there is a thin line between love and hate....

 

The guilt of his being M caused my anger, although I am finding that who am I to judge. He didn't do everything right, and still doesn't, but I was first and have been all along...it's just weird.

 

WF....everyone saw the electricity between the two of us...they saw it and most were jealous because it was what was missing in their lives.

 

I don't know what will happen, he has been through so much and so have I that basically we have gone to our separate corners. He's scared and so am I....we took a lot of stuff out on each other and that is how I can see so many things being taken out on people in this forum....I just lived it, ya I can identify it when I see it.

 

WF, I seiously doubt I will ever be with anyone again if it is not him....I find faults in all of the others that want to get something started, I just can't do it...

[Jeff1962]

I don't want to have an affair. I want to make love to my wife. I'm getting real lonely and I'm tired of not being touched. I'm having a hard time dealing with this.

 

To me, an affair destroys everything. I don't want to go that route. Don't give me the BS about talk to her either, it's all just BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. Does no good.

[Fallen Angel]

I did not come here to stir anything. I don't view others situations to make me feel better about myself.

 

Talk about what is going on? I'm tired of walking around with a raging hardon and wife won't touch me. Tried last nite. Blammo. Shot down again. That's what's going on.

 

Have you tried to talk with her about what is going on? have you told her how frustrated and even angry it makes you that your sex life is less than satisfactory?

 

Other than coming here, have you sought any outside help?

 

What do you think is going on with your wife that is causing her to 'shoot you down'?

[pureinheart]

I did not come here to stir anything. I don't view others situations to make me feel better about myself.

 

Talk about what is going on? I'm tired of walking around with a raging hardon and wife won't touch me. Tried last nite. Blammo. Shot down again. That's what's going on.

 

Jeff...for Gods sake why didn't you just come out with that!!!! Then give more info so the ladies could give you their opinion....

[Fallen Angel]

I don't want to have an affair. I want to make love to my wife. I'm getting real lonely and I'm tired of not being touched. I'm having a hard time dealing with this.

 

To me, an affair destroys everything. I don't want to go that route. Don't give me the BS about talk to her either, it's all just BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. Does no good.

 

I respect the fact that you do not want to have an affair.

 

I think part of the problem in a lot of marriages though is that spouses don't talk to each other, or when one does, the other doesn't listen, REALLY LISTEN. I think a lot of affairs would be avoided if people would just be completely honest with each other.

 

I mean, obviously this is bothering you enough that you came here. Tell your wife that your sex life is leaving you frustrated and angry, and that you love her and do not want your marriage to fall apart over something that you can fix.

 

I think if she doesn't know how serious it is to you, she may just keep putting off doing something to fix it. Women often do not realize how bad things are until they find out that their husband has already taken a mistress, or the husband has enough and walks away from the marriage.

 

You need to be upfront with her about how seriously this is affecting you.

 

Or, you can suffer in silence, and perhaps eventually take a mistress, and/or be angry at your wife all the time. *shrug*

[pureinheart]

Jeff, you and your W need to talk....sex is important to both sexes, although it seems to be essential to men, it is the way they express "love" even moreso than women.

 

Women sometimes do not realise that men need romance bigtime, they will literally die without it IMO.

 

My whatever, BF exMM, who the eff knows anymore, but he is pissed bigtime and I know it....but it is how I feel and he needs to respect that...sure it is old fashoned, whatever, I really don't care, SObut no nookie till the cookie....meaning not till M....and he wants to get laid, and he won't go anywhere else and I know it....he's not a male whatever, but he does need sex. OMG, he really pissed me off tonight, I told him not to talk to me disrepectful any longer because he is trying to entice me....he's not ready for M yet and I understand that, but I am not going to have sex with him till then.

 

Now my rant is for a reason it is to vent myself and let you know that your W has a rant about something and you need to get into her head to find out what that is.

 

Jeff straight up, you might have to put "him" away for a bit, SO calls "him" "mini me"...lol because it is obvious she is not into sex right now....I don't care how long it's been, but your W deserves for you think entirely with your BRAIN on your shoulders and get to the root....Jeff it could be hormones...it could be a medical condition, you don't know....suggest a DR.

 

Jeff....and I am screaming this....WHATEVER IT TAKES, SET YOUR MIND ON YOUR W AND HER NEEDS, NOT ON 'MINI ME'.

 

Where are you guys at spiritually?

[pureinheart]

I don't want to have an affair. I want to make love to my wife. I'm getting real lonely and I'm tired of not being touched. I'm having a hard time dealing with this.

 

To me, an affair destroys everything. I don't want to go that route. Don't give me the BS about talk to her either, it's all just BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. Does no good.

 

Jeff....are you out of your natural mind....these women will tare you up for that statement...lol...just kidding, well they might though.

 

Dude, women are about communication, and some men are too...so I'm guessing you have tried to talk to her with no avail? If so, possibly you did not talk to her correctly because Jeff is upset because Jeff is not getting any....

[scatterd]

Jeff I have respect for you im married also and dont want to cheat.We have been together 16 yrs. its hard to keep a realationship alive with all the responsabiltys and stuff.My husband and I was not having sex all that much either.I dont think either one of us liked it.my reason was I needed attention

to feel as though he was interested and his was the same and we both never talked about it we figured thats what happens,we had a big blow out one day and almost divoriced over things that was not the main problem it went on for a couple of months then that came out and we decided to work it out.Our sex life is better not like it was in the begining.Look at my first post I thought he was cheating and alot was said.We love each other we have had lots of bad and good times.I wish it did not come out the way it did but it had to.No matter who your with their will be a whole new set of problems so if you made it this far and make it work you wont have to do it over and over again.Good luck I wish I knew the right answer,for you.But I have the same question as you stated.wish the best for you.

[Woggle]

Well, it's been a couple of years now since my MM left his xW, and we've been together full-time for a good chunk of that, and no sign of boredom yet...

 

Your situation is far from the norm. Look at all the other posts and tell me how often these affairs actually have a happy ending. You got damn lucky that your partner actually was sserious about leaving and from what you say in a very abusive marriage so he left once a woman showed him real love. Most MM have no intention of leaving and most cheaters male or female go out of their way to make their spouse look as bad as possible when in actuality they just got bored with the routine in their marriage and are too lazy to work at it.