My boyfriend gives me the silent treatment - is this just boys being boys or abuse?

[SecretlySad]

What do you think?

Edited January 18, 2010 by SecretlySad

[freestyle]

I need more info to give you constructive advice.

 

How long have you guys been together?

 

Are you exclusive, or are seeing other people?

 

How long does the silent treatment last?

(hours, days, weeks....etc.)

[Ronni_W]

Withdrawal/silence is a dysfunctional coping strategy. Both men and women use it in place of expressing their feelings, opinions, hurts and upsets, and as a way to avoid properly dealing with problems and resolving conflicts. It is a way of controlling and manipulating what happens within the relationship, especially as far as what is and is not addressed, discussed and resolved.

 

It's not "abuse" as commonly defined, but it does not facilitate long-term, happy and successful relationships.

[SecretlySad]

Freestyle we have been together for nearly 6 years. The longest his silent treatment has lasted is 2 days... but when you live with someone who doesn't speak to you for 2 days, believe me, it's like a lifetime.

 

I thought these articles were pretty interesting for anyone else curious on the subject:

 

http://abuse101.com/emotionalabuse.html

http://abuse101.com/silenttreatmentandabuse.html

 

I said YES to about 10 of those points in the first link...

[alwaysfeelingsad]

What do you think?

I get the silent treament everyday, that is a good question. wish I had the answer also.

[thelostsoul89]

The silent treatment is not abuse... Maybe he is giving you the silent treatment because what he might say if he wasn't would probaly hurt you more. I sometimes give my husband the silent treatment but it only lasts like 20 minutes. When I give the silent treatment it's normally because I'm about to blow up, and I know that would only make matters worse. I don't know though, two days of that is a little much. Maybe he has had enough. Have you asked him to go to couples therapy? It might help!

[whichwayisup]

It is a form of abuse and control.. And passive agressiveness too.

 

To me, (just my 2 cents) the silent treatment is one of the cruelist and very intentional thing to do to another human being. It takes effort to completely ignore someone, and to me, that's hurtful and offensive.

[JackJack]

Google "Silent Treatment" you should find your answer there, then you can go from there on what you feel you should do.

[temple]

It's pathetic and childish. Don't bother questioning yourself, demand a response from him upfront.

 

Schoolground behaviour...

[carhill]

OP, have you resolved the issues discussed in this thread? Has discussion of such issues taken place? If you're still processing all that stuff internally and not with him, he can pick up on your state of mind and withdraw himself. One potential to ponder.

[A O]

Withdrawal/silence is a dysfunctional coping strategy. Both men and women use it in place of expressing their feelings, opinions, hurts and upsets, and as a way to avoid properly dealing with problems and resolving conflicts. It is a way of controlling and manipulating what happens within the relationship, especially as far as what is and is not addressed, discussed and resolved.

 

It's not "abuse" as commonly defined, but it does not facilitate long-term, happy and successful relationships.

Nicely said.

 

.

[noize]

Are you freakin high? not every human interaction that you don't enjoy can be categorized as abuse. by that definition, everyone with whom you've never held a conversation is abusing RIGHT NOW. there's a three year old kid asleep in Shenzen, China who's abusing you right now, if not talking to you counts as abuse.

 

just break up and get some therapy. geez.

[allina]

No, I do not think that the silent treatment is abuse, in any shape or form.

[JackJack]

Yes its a form of mental/emotional abuse and manipulation/control. Also a form of passive/agressiveness which is also a form of control.

 

Its an indirect way to hurt you so he doesn't have to talk to you...basically it boils down to, "I"m gonna act like a child and not speak to you because you did or said something I didn't like, etc." Chances are, this form of communication or lack there of really was a learned behavior. He is getting to you by not using words.

Edited January 22, 2010 by JackJack

[BUENG1]

It seems people's definition of abuse gets more liberal and liberal as time goes on. Everything is abusive these days. Crazy!!

[silverplanets]

If it's his way of processing high impact new information deeply and working out his own feelings on it then surely it's can be a good thing as he's taking responsibilty for working out HIS position on things - but I would expect him to be able to converse on light subjects whilst doing this.

 

If it's his way of making "a point" then it's destructive ...

 

If it's his way of getting his own way then imho it is abusive ..

 

If it's revenge or protection from you digging into him with something (eg verbal) that was designed to get a reaction then it's abusive on both sides ...

 

After these peiods does he come up with well thought out or creative answers to any issues?

 

Sometimes I need to focus internally (and it can be for a few days on something really big) but I am able to verbalise to people that I need to do it and also when it's done then I am able to come forward and explain the thoughts and reasoning that I have arrived at during the focusing.

 

Just ideas ...

[EnigmasMuse]

All the info I've ever read on the "silent treatment" issue has always pointed to it being a form of abuse. Plus its down right childish. He should learn proper communication skills.

 

Anyway what some people might feel is abusive others may not. I mean some people think its not rape either unless its forced upon in a violent way. Bottom line, there are many things that are abusive it doesn't mean it has to be of the physical sense.

 

So, what really matters OP, is what you think. So if you feel its ok, and it will pass, only for him to do it again if this is his way of doing things, and you want to stay, they stay and shrug it off. If he keeps doing it, and you grow tired of it, listen to that and move on.