br0ken_w0lf Posted January 18, 2010 Share Posted January 18, 2010 Hey all, Haven't been on here in quite some time but just started reading again in the last few days. It's been almost a year since my divorce papers arrived and about 2 1/2 years since my ex announced she was leaving. After I received my papers last year, I felt so much better about everything; I think it provided the closure I thought I needed. My ex rarely crossed my mind. I joined a dating site and felt interested in dating again. In September, I began conversing with someone very frequently and we both seemed alike, etc. so we met up in October. We hit it off incredibly well immediately, and I was convinced that this was the woman I was supposed to meet. It felt amazing; we spent as much time as we could together for 2 weeks, until I had to go away for a few weeks for work. That away time was very difficult, and we were ecstatic when I returned. Christmas/New Year's came and went and all was good. Then, at some point a couple of weeks or so ago, I stumbled upon a reminder of my ex via Facebook and this has seemingly changed my outlook dramatically. I've regressed to thinking about the divorce, everything leading up to it (it was very painful, for both of us), my ex, etc. and have become noticeably absent in this new relationship. I've become less certain about the future, quieter, and just mentally absent; I doubt my ability to care about someone at the level for which I cared about my ex. Previously, I'd gone on record with family saying that I'd remarry, etc. but lately, a relationship becoming more "serious" (on any level e.g. saying "I love you", meeting family, etc.) scares the hell out of me. I genuinely care for this woman (she really is wonderful) and I have absolutely nothing to complain about on any level but I've just turned off and have slipped into a funk similar to when I was going through the marriage split. I'm starting to think that I haven't made the progress that I thought I had with respect to the divorce, or that maybe I'm just naturally depressive and had masked it, or that maybe I just don't function well in a relationship period and I should just be by myself. In any case, I definitely don't feel like I will ever open myself up to anyone in the way that I did my ex, I just won't allow it... Anyone else having these long-term backslides and similar thoughts out there? Link to post Share on other sites
Jeff1962 Posted January 18, 2010 Share Posted January 18, 2010 Take your time. Discuss these exact feelings with your partner. Be open and honest with her. She might understand you a little more. Link to post Share on other sites
cyabye Posted January 18, 2010 Share Posted January 18, 2010 Hey all, Haven't been on here in quite some time but just started reading again in the last few days. It's been almost a year since my divorce papers arrived and about 2 1/2 years since my ex announced she was leaving. After I received my papers last year, I felt so much better about everything; I think it provided the closure I thought I needed. My ex rarely crossed my mind. I joined a dating site and felt interested in dating again. In September, I began conversing with someone very frequently and we both seemed alike, etc. so we met up in October. We hit it off incredibly well immediately, and I was convinced that this was the woman I was supposed to meet. It felt amazing; we spent as much time as we could together for 2 weeks, until I had to go away for a few weeks for work. That away time was very difficult, and we were ecstatic when I returned. Christmas/New Year's came and went and all was good. Then, at some point a couple of weeks or so ago, I stumbled upon a reminder of my ex via Facebook and this has seemingly changed my outlook dramatically. I've regressed to thinking about the divorce, everything leading up to it (it was very painful, for both of us), my ex, etc. and have become noticeably absent in this new relationship. I've become less certain about the future, quieter, and just mentally absent; I doubt my ability to care about someone at the level for which I cared about my ex. Previously, I'd gone on record with family saying that I'd remarry, etc. but lately, a relationship becoming more "serious" (on any level e.g. saying "I love you", meeting family, etc.) scares the hell out of me. I genuinely care for this woman (she really is wonderful) and I have absolutely nothing to complain about on any level but I've just turned off and have slipped into a funk similar to when I was going through the marriage split. I'm starting to think that I haven't made the progress that I thought I had with respect to the divorce, or that maybe I'm just naturally depressive and had masked it, or that maybe I just don't function well in a relationship period and I should just be by myself. In any case, I definitely don't feel like I will ever open myself up to anyone in the way that I did my ex, I just won't allow it... Anyone else having these long-term backslides and similar thoughts out there? Before telling your new significant other, I would wait and see if the emotions you are having fade. Why ruin a good thing and hurt someone nice over what happened 2 years ago? Emotions come and go. Take it slow with the new relationship. I 'm 2 years out and scared to death too about new relationships. Who wouldn't be scared to be hurt again? But you have to take certain risk in life in regards to new relationships otherwise you will stay in the "funk" forever. Backslides are normal. Start moving forward again. Stay away from FB. The "funk" will pass. Been in it myself latley. It's temporary. Post here instead of "spilling your guts" to the new person. Just take it slow. cya Link to post Share on other sites
tnttim Posted January 18, 2010 Share Posted January 18, 2010 Before telling your new significant other, I would wait and see if the emotions you are having fade. Why ruin a good thing and hurt someone nice over what happened 2 years ago? Emotions come and go. Take it slow with the new relationship. I 'm 2 years out and scared to death too about new relationships. Who wouldn't be scared to be hurt again? But you have to take certain risk in life in regards to new relationships otherwise you will stay in the "funk" forever. Backslides are normal. Start moving forward again. Stay away from FB. The "funk" will pass. Been in it myself latley. It's temporary. Post here instead of "spilling your guts" to the new person. Just take it slow. cya do this^^^^ but you know why skydiving exciting? because it's scary. So quit talking about it and do it, its fun. Link to post Share on other sites
Author br0ken_w0lf Posted January 18, 2010 Author Share Posted January 18, 2010 Well, we've already discussed it since she very easily picked up that I was becoming a little distant. And she's aware of my past situation. So I did explain that I'm happy with her and that there is nothing wrong, other than my past haunting me. I don't think it would matter who I was with right now, it would be the same. And I'm more afraid of hurting her than for me getting hurt. If I'm feeling like this after 3 months but decide to fight through it, what happens if after 6 months I decide that I'm still messed up? Then that's 6 months invested for her that's down the drain... So now I'm thinking, should I end this now and not risk hurting her down the road? In order to get myself sorted out (which I thought I had)? Hard to believe how this stuff sneaks up on you when you least suspect it... Link to post Share on other sites
She's_NotInLove_w/Me Posted January 18, 2010 Share Posted January 18, 2010 I cannot speak from experience. But I can see that your concern in itself is a great sign of your desire to truly love this woman. Have more confidence in yourself. Keep sharing yourself with her. Communication is key. Things will work themselves out. Do not doubt you, doubt her, or the two of you together. I have a funny feeling you may not be as broken of a wolf as you suspect... Link to post Share on other sites
dazzle22 Posted January 18, 2010 Share Posted January 18, 2010 I divorced at age 50 with the full belief that I was ready to be alone and that was ok. Then I met someone, and like you really started to hit it off, and I suddenly felt very afraid and out of control, and told one of my friends that I thought I should break it off. He said, "you are just trying to sabotage this because you are afraid and starting to get that 'out of control' feeling one gets when you fall in love with someone'". Now, I don't know if that is you, but maybe? See if this analogy makes sense: You are a trapeze artist who took a very long hard fall, broke legs, hips, long recovery. Now, you started to get back on the "wire" but stayed at about 6 ft. No worries. But now the high wire is starting to go up to 20 ft (meeting family, saying I love u)...big difference. Now you look down, and suddenly you are getting flashbacks of "the fall" and the pain, and the recovery, and your subconscious is saying "don't let yourself get hurt like this again. RUN". You tell yourself, "you know what? I am not meant to be a trapeze artist anymore. I am done."..... Don't break this off, and try not to worry about the "what if's"...just continue to go forward slowly with what feels right and comfortable. We can't protect ourselves from life happening to us. At some point, everyone we hold dear will be taken from us (death), that is a given. You can choose to die alone in your rocker on the porch, or you can choose to die "running with the big dogs" with your running shoes on! Link to post Share on other sites
mimidarlin Posted January 18, 2010 Share Posted January 18, 2010 I am not divorced yet but have been very hurt by an affair and separation. He was/is my heart and my world. I've invested so much of myself in this life and relationship and sometimes I feel like I can't breath when I think about losing this part of my life. The other fear I have is feeling the way you seem to now. Never being able to commit 100% to a new relationship. A few friends of mine that are divorced have echoed this sentiment. It's scary...you're afraid to hurt her but I think you're afraid to make yourself vulnerable to this type of pain again. It's understandable...maybe you need to go to IC or even a divorce support group. You need to talk with others...I guess LS is some form of group therapy. You need to confront your fear or it will haunt you through every relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
LisaUk Posted January 18, 2010 Share Posted January 18, 2010 I divorced at age 50 with the full belief that I was ready to be alone and that was ok. Then I met someone, and like you really started to hit it off, and I suddenly felt very afraid and out of control, and told one of my friends that I thought I should break it off. He said, "you are just trying to sabotage this because you are afraid and starting to get that 'out of control' feeling one gets when you fall in love with someone'". Now, I don't know if that is you, but maybe? See if this analogy makes sense: You are a trapeze artist who took a very long hard fall, broke legs, hips, long recovery. Now, you started to get back on the "wire" but stayed at about 6 ft. No worries. But now the high wire is starting to go up to 20 ft (meeting family, saying I love u)...big difference. Now you look down, and suddenly you are getting flashbacks of "the fall" and the pain, and the recovery, and your subconscious is saying "don't let yourself get hurt like this again. RUN". You tell yourself, "you know what? I am not meant to be a trapeze artist anymore. I am done."..... Don't break this off, and try not to worry about the "what if's"...just continue to go forward slowly with what feels right and comfortable. We can't protect ourselves from life happening to us. At some point, everyone we hold dear will be taken from us (death), that is a given. You can choose to die alone in your rocker on the porch, or you can choose to die "running with the big dogs" with your running shoes on! This would be my guess on why you are feeling like you do. Commitment phobia can happen as the result of being hurt badly in a relationship ending. I feel this way to, I never wnat to experience tthis pain again, I don't think I will ever get past it now. My sugestion would be to see an IC for help with this and if they think it appropriate, you could involve your partner in the process if necessary to help her understand that you are dealing with the issue. The very fact you are scared shows that you care for this women b/c if you didn't, you wouldn't be scared. Link to post Share on other sites
2.50 a gallon Posted January 19, 2010 Share Posted January 19, 2010 (edited) I went back and reread most of your old posts The shortened version. You met and married a woman who suffered from depression, you went out of your way to prove to her love could work, you won her heart, married then let the marriage slide and took her for granted. She left, you fought like hell to win her back and lost. Since then you have been adrift and lonely, looking to find someone to share your life with you joined a dating site. Your search paid off the winds of love found you favorable and you met "the woman I was supposed to meet" It was amazing, it was good, your words. Then you come across a trigger from Facebook of your XW and you let fear take over and you have begun to self destruct a promising relationship. Plain and simple, you are letting your XW hurt you all over again and you are letting her control your life. There are many on this board who would give their right arm to be beginning a relationship with "the woman I was supposed to meet". Not everybody gets a first chance at love and much less a second, consider yourself lucky. I say when love knocks, ANSWER! Grow yourself a new pair. The seeds of a new relationship are beginning to germinate. You seem to have an idea what you did wrong with the first marriage, learn from it and and take the lessons and apply them to this relationship. Valentines day is just a few weeks away. Most on this board are going to be alone, wishing they were in your shoes. You on the other hand have a choice, you can spend it alone and lonely, or you can take "the woman I was supposed to meet" out to dinner and spend the evening with a wonderful woman. Who knows you might even get lucky and get a kiss or two. Who would you rather kiss, your dog or a lovely woman? The choice is yours. Edited January 19, 2010 by 2.50 a gallon Link to post Share on other sites
Author br0ken_w0lf Posted January 20, 2010 Author Share Posted January 20, 2010 Hi folks, been meaning to get back on here and thank everyone for all the replies. 2.50, you pretty much summed up everything prior, too bad my initial post wasn't nearly as concise I will take some advice here and take a little time to think things through - I happen to be out of town for a week soon so I'm hoping that will help me to sort things out. My biggest fear is that I'd thought I had my sh*t together mentally/emotionally but am now realizing that I don't - I still need to work on "me". I think the "happily ever after" scenario (simplified version, I don't take it literally) has been destroyed for me; while I did learn a lot from my marriage, I don't think I want to use the phrase "my second marriage"... Regardless, everyone is correct - I do care about this woman and most definitely do not want to hurt her, especially later when more is invested; she deserves better than that. Admittedly, I'm angry with myself now for getting involved with someone when I shouldn't have been - but, like I said, I really did *think* I was past everything. Again, thanks for the replies, much appreciated! Link to post Share on other sites
2.50 a gallon Posted January 21, 2010 Share Posted January 21, 2010 The happily after was destroyed, it happens to most of us. I was so scared of ever being this hurst again, that I swore and oath I would never love again. All I did was waste 10 years of my life, I had some really nice woman come into my life that I chased away. I would rather live alone, I was safe there, lonely but safe. Here is the bad news, you triggers can catch you even 30 years later. It recently happened to me around Christmas time. I am lucky, have been in a 14 year loving relationship with an uncommonly beautiful woman, beautiful both inside and out, and yet I too fell back into the pit for a good 15 minutes. The one theme you keep repeating is that you are going to hurt her. It sounds as if you let your XW implant this self doubt virus, that will emerge and destroy any new relationship what you might fall into. Being as you know about why do you have to give into it? Why not fight it? Don't let the XW control you future. It is your life, reclaim it and learn to love again. Talk to your new lady and maybe she can be part of the cure. Just take it slow and get those kisses on V day, for those on this board who will have to go without Link to post Share on other sites
Author br0ken_w0lf Posted January 22, 2010 Author Share Posted January 22, 2010 Thanks for the reply, 2.50, I appreciate it. I don't think I'd swear an oath of any sorts (well, not sure about marriage, I think it would be just too weird for me) but I do think I may have gotten back in relationship world a little too early. And I'm not surprised to hear the triggers can occur so long after a bad experience, I suspect this stuff never goes away - which is disturbing in itself I don't think my XW is responsible for my fear of hurting people, that's just the way I am (and my self-confidence has historically been fairly low to begin with). I think - actually I know - my XW would like to see me move on and be happy. Re: hurting people, I would rather see myself get hurt than someone else and that is the truth. I don't ever want someone to go through even a fraction of what I did as a result of my actions, that is the fear. Re: taking it slow, we most definitely didn't do that at the outset but it felt right at the same time; that may be partly responsible for my feelings as well, dunno... Anyway, hoping a week away may provide me with some clarity. Thanks for the insights, lots of intelligent, helpful people on these forums for sure. Link to post Share on other sites
Steadfast Posted January 22, 2010 Share Posted January 22, 2010 Thanks for the reply, 2.50, I appreciate it. I don't think I'd swear an oath of any sorts (well, not sure about marriage, I think it would be just too weird for me) but I do think I may have gotten back in relationship world a little too early. And I'm not surprised to hear the triggers can occur so long after a bad experience, I suspect this stuff never goes away - which is disturbing in itself [/Quote] You mentioned a key point; going in too early is a lose-lose. The longer the marriage, the longer it'll take. I'd say 18-24 months of recovery time for any relationship that lasted more than five years. Maybe shorter for some people, some take much longer. It also matters how much you see them and what they're doing. One ex can keep the other in limbo for a long time if allowed to control. Does your ex still control you? Do you feel the pull? I suspect that it never completely goes away, but love has a way of healing us. Not just love for someone else, but self-love. Be kind to your broken heart and give it some time to heal. Wounded is not attractive. ...I think - actually I know - my XW would like to see me move on and be happy. Nice line, rarely true, even if the ex says it with sincerity at the time. Just the same, you must learn to discount...even toss away what your ex says about your personal life because twisted as it sounds, that's control too. This stuff isn't easy. I have a pal that constantly tells me to 'make the next right'. When you're thinking on your own, you're ready. Link to post Share on other sites
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