insecureeeyep Posted January 18, 2010 Share Posted January 18, 2010 Hello all. If you remember me from my last thread, I was the snooper. I haven't snooped since, but I have quite an urge to. For some reason I cannot stop being paranoid that my boyfriend is going to leave me or that he is cheating on me. I'm going to bring this up in therapy, but I was wondering if anyone had any advice in the mean time. I don't want to snoop so I'm avoiding our room. Anyone else used to be like this and managed to stop? Any advice would be wonderful. Thanks Link to post Share on other sites
Bulbie Posted January 18, 2010 Share Posted January 18, 2010 If you're aware you're thinking about snooping, then you can tell yourself to stop. No, don't do it. Find something to distract yourself when that thought comes along. Something that's nothing to do with him. I used to be bad for the snooping. Still very occasionally get the desire. But when that comes along now, i just say to myself no, if he was going to cheat I'd know by now. I don't need to snoop to know that. I have to give him my trust and not snoop. It works pretty well for me, but does require willpower. It's about learning to trust people. It's better to trust someone then having them break your trust of their own accord than to assume someone will break your trust at some point in the future then treat them accordingly. Link to post Share on other sites
OnlyJake Posted January 18, 2010 Share Posted January 18, 2010 Is there any particular reason that you don't trust your bf? The only time I've ever felt the urge to snoop was when I didn't trust a guy; in my case it was always for a good reason, and ended the relationship over it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author insecureeeyep Posted January 18, 2010 Author Share Posted January 18, 2010 If you're aware you're thinking about snooping, then you can tell yourself to stop. No, don't do it. Find something to distract yourself when that thought comes along. Something that's nothing to do with him. I used to be bad for the snooping. Still very occasionally get the desire. But when that comes along now, i just say to myself no, if he was going to cheat I'd know by now. I don't need to snoop to know that. I have to give him my trust and not snoop. It works pretty well for me, but does require willpower. It's about learning to trust people. It's better to trust someone then having them break your trust of their own accord than to assume someone will break your trust at some point in the future then treat them accordingly. Yeah, that's what I've been doing. Thank you! Link to post Share on other sites
Author insecureeeyep Posted January 18, 2010 Author Share Posted January 18, 2010 Is there any particular reason that you don't trust your bf? The only time I've ever felt the urge to snoop was when I didn't trust a guy; in my case it was always for a good reason, and ended the relationship over it. We were best friends for years before we were dating, so I know too much about his past loves. They both intimidate me. Anyhow, at the beginning of us dating, he was still talking to his most recent ex. I snooped on his phone and at first I couldn't find anything. Then I went way back to when we were first dating and he was telling her that he still wanted to be in contact with her and they could secretly talk on AIM. When I confronted him he apologized and said when we were first dating he was still confused, but he isn't at this point (This happened at like 3 or 4 months in). He had also gotten together with her when we were first dating for casual drinks (asked permission) and they both cried together. He told me about it the next day. So ever since then I haven't fully trusted him. I believe it when he says he was confused, but then I get scared and think he still loves her. He hasn't had contact with her in months and says he doesn't love her. I guess those events got the ball rolling so to say. For most of the time I'm okay, we live together and we just got a puppy, and everything feels great, but sometimes I freak out. Sigh. Link to post Share on other sites
OnlyJake Posted January 18, 2010 Share Posted January 18, 2010 We were best friends for years before we were dating, so I know too much about his past loves. They both intimidate me. Anyhow, at the beginning of us dating, he was still talking to his most recent ex. I snooped on his phone and at first I couldn't find anything. Then I went way back to when we were first dating and he was telling her that he still wanted to be in contact with her and they could secretly talk on AIM. When I confronted him he apologized and said when we were first dating he was still confused, but he isn't at this point (This happened at like 3 or 4 months in). He had also gotten together with her when we were first dating for casual drinks (asked permission) and they both cried together. He told me about it the next day. So ever since then I haven't fully trusted him. I believe it when he says he was confused, but then I get scared and think he still loves her. He hasn't had contact with her in months and says he doesn't love her. I guess those events got the ball rolling so to say. For most of the time I'm okay, we live together and we just got a puppy, and everything feels great, but sometimes I freak out. Sigh. I dated someone in a similar situation once. I get where you're coming from. It's really difficult, and it takes a lot of time (more than a few months) to rebuild trust. Not so much because of the drink thing (since he asked you first) but because of the other thing, I totally get why you don't trust him, and I think that's why you're having issues now. You never would have found out about that if you hadn't snooped in the first place, so now, even when things seem OK, you feel like you would never know if he's up to something shady unless you checked up on him. I think you should talk to him about that, in a very non-confrontational way. But (if this is the case for you), let him know that you're having trust issues, and it's not because of anything he's doing now, but because of that. Communication is the best way to work out trust issues. I ended my relationship when I was in a similar situation because the communication wasn't there, so it was difficult/impossible for us to rebuild trust. Link to post Share on other sites
Author insecureeeyep Posted January 18, 2010 Author Share Posted January 18, 2010 I dated someone in a similar situation once. I get where you're coming from. It's really difficult, and it takes a lot of time (more than a few months) to rebuild trust. Not so much because of the drink thing (since he asked you first) but because of the other thing, I totally get why you don't trust him, and I think that's why you're having issues now. You never would have found out about that if you hadn't snooped in the first place, so now, even when things seem OK, you feel like you would never know if he's up to something shady unless you checked up on him. I think you should talk to him about that, in a very non-confrontational way. But (if this is the case for you), let him know that you're having trust issues, and it's not because of anything he's doing now, but because of that. Communication is the best way to work out trust issues. I ended my relationship when I was in a similar situation because the communication wasn't there, so it was difficult/impossible for us to rebuild trust. Our communication is pretty awesome. When we "fight" he owns up to when he's doing something I consider to be bull**** and will fully admit it . So. I guess I should bring it up. I have been sort of clingy with him lately, I guess that can explain that. I definitely want to talk about it in therapy, as well. Thank you! Link to post Share on other sites
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