I ended up paying more than him on a first date...is that a big no no?

[carhill]

So,let me ask the men here: how do you navigate who pays for the first date dinner? I mean, it can get uncomfortable, no

 

IME, it's never been uncomfortable. I set the pace at the outset, engaging the waitstaff and requesting the lady to order first, but always remaining the primary contact. If my date needs something, I motion to staff for assistance. When the check comes, it is placed in front of me. My payment form goes into the tray and away it goes. Conversation and drinks continue as appropriate. Perhaps the lady will offer to buy a round of drinks, to which I'll happily accept, reciprocating as appropriate. The focus is on the interaction, not the accounting.

 

The OP is perhaps of a different generation and social customs for that generation and locale are different. IMO, whenever the mechanics of the date take precidence over the intimacy and interaction of the date, it is a fail. I guess the OP's story bore that out.

[tami-chan]

The men here just slide the check over to the girl and go to the bathroom

 

LMAO!!!! and when he comes back the check would still be on the table and the woman gone?

[tami-chan]

She should go dutch. I am not a big fan of official dates anyway. I much prefer hooking up and if she is interesting beyond that then we could talk.

 

Explain "hooking up"...sorry, I don't think I have ever "hooked up"... I have a very limited dating history

[tami-chan]

I'm still gonna pay, there have been some pretty good attitudes displayed by women in this thread, and have gotten crafty at spotting the "expectation" type versus the "appreciation" type in my old age anyway.

 

yes, I understand what you are saying, but that still does not solve the dilemma of knowing who is going to pay at the beginning of the dinner date. Are you going to outright tell the woman "order anything, I got this"...lol..or???????

[tami-chan]

It depends on the girl and how we met... But, One of my favorite things to do is to make a game out of it. I'll say "First one to touch it, pays for it!" Then I'll go into a fun stare down mode at it and slowly move my hand towards old-west gun-fight style. Then i'll push it onto her while opening it so that she touches it first. They get a kick out of it and laugh since it removes the stress from it and shows 1) you're confident 2) you're easy going 3) can solve a stressful situation where both parties win and without fighting.

 

LOL...really..interesting..haha ..oh god...

[meerkat stew]

Are you going to outright tell the woman "order anything, I got this"...lol..or???????

 

No, they know I'm gonna pay instinctively. I'm pretty corporate looking despite attire, I could wear a tie dye, sandals and bandana and look square

[ella23]

This one probably tops the list when it comes to ridiculous deal breakers, especially if you like the guy.

[Lishy]

Meerkat I have tears in my eyes laughing at your posts! You are a funny dude with the fake tan etc..... and Art and Carhill have the right idea, some of you youngsters should take the advice given and work with it!

[RedDevil66]

LOL at you men talking about how women get ready..........silly!

 

What I need to get ready for a date; a nap, a shower, a blow dryer, lip gloss,eye liner, jeans, a pretty top, heels and I'm ready to go.

I don't need all that goopy prep time or to shop etc.

I'm really simple.

 

Oh and of course, my WALLET ;-)

[donnamaybe]

Errrr no you are putting words into her mouth

 

She is telling you what she actually means and you are calling her a liar and re-writing her feelings

 

By the same token, SHE is ASSUMING the guy is cheap based on one incident during a point in time where they barely know each other. She has no clue if he's a cheapskate or not. He could have been worrying that she was going to get all buck with him over some feminist issue. But instead of finding out, considering she said she was enjoying his company and all, she tosses him over $10.

 

I understand her wondering about it, the way it played out, but she isn't even going to give it another go with him to really find out.

 

Sounds kind of like she's playing the same way she is accusing posters on LS of doing. Making assumptions without being fully informed.

[donnamaybe]

Oh come on..

 

A woman can spend 50-80 bucks getting ready for a date.. .

 

THAT one must start out PRETTTTTY damned ugly to need 50-80 bucks just to get ready for a date.

[counterman]

Do you recommend discussing the paying issue with your date first before it happens?

 

I've never done that but I have given thought to the idea. It stimulates communication and there are no misunderstandings. Though, it might offend some girls if they think the guy should pay on the first date. Also, girls might feel compelled to split it since it might not be nice to say "hey, you can pay for it" unless you make it clear at the start that you want to pay for it. Okay, you know what, forget it. TOO confusing.

[ella23]

LOL at you men talking about how women get ready..........silly!

 

What I need to get ready for a date; a nap, a shower, a blow dryer, lip gloss,eye liner, jeans, a pretty top, heels and I'm ready to go.

I don't need all that goopy prep time or to shop etc.

I'm really simple.

 

Oh and of course, my WALLET ;-)

 

that's a big no no.

 

THAT one must start out PRETTTTTY damned ugly to need 50-80 bucks just to get ready for a date.

lol

[phineas]

By the same token, SHE is ASSUMING the guy is cheap based on one incident during a point in time where they barely know each other. She has no clue if he's a cheapskate or not. He could have been worrying that she was going to get all buck with him over some feminist issue. But instead of finding out, considering she said she was enjoying his company and all, she tosses him over $10.

 

I understand her wondering about it, the way it played out, but she isn't even going to give it another go with him to really find out.

 

Sounds kind of like she's playing the same way she is accusing posters on LS of doing. Making assumptions without being fully informed.

 

If Ask a woman out for dinner i'll pay.

If I pay for dinner then it goes to drinks & she whips out her purse when the tab comes I will assume she wants to pay & is a quality woman not looking to use me as her personal ATM & won't argue with her over it.

[jw90063]

Ok he called again just now, left me a message asking if I want to get sushi this weekend. Arg, I feel bad ignoring him despite everything. Ok I will just let him know I'm not interested.

 

Uh.....

 

I find it interesting how you feel bad for ignoring him, but you don't feel bad over brushing him off because he didn't pay for the second bill(the one you said, "no its fine, I'll get it".

 

Did it ever occur to you, he isn't sure about you, so he may not want to clean out his wallet for you. At least he asking you to go out for sushi. What if you don't go, and come to find out he would have paid for all of it and more?

 

I mean, I'll be honest. I can see it being questionable, you stuck with the entire $45 bill. If it had been less, probably wouldn't have been as big of a deal. I would have felt a little awkward paying all of that myself, and I think it would have been his best bet (since this was like a first impression type deal).I just think its wrong at this point to not give him another chance over this. I could see if he hadn't paid for anything that night, but seriously. I would personally want to find out if he is in fact cheap,which would require another date or so.

 

I just don't think you are really in to him to begin with. I can't imagine really being attracted to someone, and saying "screw you", over this.

[phineas]

It sounds like she is being superficial about him & doesn't want to just admit it & is trying to make excuses for not going out with him again.

[jw90063]

It sounds like she is being superficial about him & doesn't want to just admit it & is trying to make excuses for not going out with him again.

 

I think also this could possibly have something to do with her fears of being in a relationship period and getting hurt again. I think in her other threads, she was hurt because of being dumped(if I remember correctly). I'm wondering if it's one of those situations where you have relationship fears, and the slightest little thing becomes a deal breaker for you. It made it easy for her, him not paying, so she can say "oh he's cheap, it's not going to work". There have been times in the past I wasn't ready for a relationship,and I considered cutting a guy off because of something that's not really that big of a deal.

 

Maybe the OP just didn't really like the guy, and him possibly being cheap makes it even easier of a decision not see him again. I just don't get why she would consider going back out with him, IF he had paid for that second bill.

[dreamergrl]

I feel bad for this guy.

[ella23]

I feel bad for this guy.

So do I. He paid for the dinner, yet she's calling him cheap. I have a hard time believing this is a deal breaker.

[jw90063]

I wanted to add, I guess it does make sense if she would have gone back out with him , IF he had paid for drinks/deserts. At that point, she would not really have a good reason for not seeing him again. By him not paying though, it made it easier to say forget the whole thing. Who knows, this is just doesn't seem right. He is asking her out again. Why not go out and see IF he pays for sushi or how it reacts.

[dreamergrl]

So do I. He paid for the dinner, yet she's calling him cheap. I have a hard time believing this is a deal breaker.

 

I can't help but to wonder if she really just wants to go out with a guy for a free meal. Since that was the deal breaker for the second date.

[dreamergrl]

I wanted to add, I guess it does make sense if she would have gone back out with him , IF he had paid for drinks/deserts. At that point, she would not really have a good reason for not seeing him again. By him not paying though, it made it easier to say forget the whole thing. Who knows, this is just doesn't seem right. He is asking her out again. Why not go out and see IF he pays for sushi or how it reacts.

 

But I don't understand why she expects him to pay when she feels no sparks. Should he keep dishing out money when she doesn't feel anything?

[OndaChin]

oh trust me, its about the money sister

 

 

ONDACHIN'S LAW:

 

If a man wants to impress a lady of his amorice no barrier shall impede nor deter his advances.

 

Meaning- "He'd eat the peanuts outta of your crap to get what he wants!! "

 

This also includes paying for dates!!

 

Drop him, baby.. he a cheap bastard.

[ella23]

ONDACHIN'S LAW:

 

If a man wants to impress a lady of his amorice no barrier shall impede nor deter his advances.

 

Meaning- "He'd eat the peanuts outta of your crap to get what he wants!! "

 

This also includes paying for dates!!

 

Drop him, baby.. he a cheap bastard.

Oh goodness

[jw90063]

But I don't understand why she expects him to pay when she feels no sparks. Should he keep dishing out money when she doesn't feel anything?

 

I don't know exactly what she meant by no sparks. Like sometimes, you don't feel that instant spark or chemistry with someone on the first date or so, then it develops later on. If she has experienced this type of thing before, then I guess she didn't want to jump to conclusions that there would "never" be a spark between them. If she felt nothing, whatsoever, then that's another story.

 

I also sense insecurity on her part. It seems as if she needs this guy or a guy to pay for everything, in order to prove his interest in her. That's where I'm wondering if she is scared of getting hurt. He didn't pay, so she may have been thinking "oh, maybe he's just not that into me". She was thinking "he's not treating me like a woman, he can't be a true gentleman".

 

No matter, I highly suggest she goes on another date at least. You just can't come to the conclusion he is cheap, based on this one date, and being he did pay for the meal.