I ended up paying more than him on a first date...is that a big no no?

[harmfulsweetz]

Harmfulsweetz, that was a jerk.

 

OP, who made the offer to get the drinks and dessert? That individual should have expected to pay the bill and also should have been realistic about what they could afford beforehand. You weren't even obligated to tip, if you didn't invite (although it's never a bad idea to do so).

 

I have had no problems in the past asking men out and choosing the activity or dinner and treating them. I also enjoy being invited on a date where the man pays for me. It's the height of rudeness to invite someone out and then expect them to pay some portion when the check comes (unless you're upfront with them about going dutch and they agree).

 

 

Agree. He was a jerk, but my point was, that that to me, would be a no-no, never see you again, because it's completely inconsiderate and it wasn't like any of it was my choice. Had he said beforehand it may have been a different issue, but he ordered knowing I would pay. My friend said I should have paid for my drink, then walked out.

 

If you suggest something, you should generally pay. It just depends. But if you like to be treated on a first date, pipe up. Don't reach for your purse. Although I would have a hard time with that.

[Clep]

I think you were both playing the same game by the sounds of it, only he played it longer than you did. It seems to me that neither of you were up front with your intentions or wants. I wouldn't hold it against him, but would clearly set up things for the next date to be 50 percent. I would bring cash and put my half on the bill and let him do the same.

 

Sounds to me like you weren't really that interested, because if the sparks were really flying, would it matter?

 

I find it interesting how women want equal rights in every area but the financial one.

[harmfulsweetz]

I think you were both playing the same game by the sounds of it, only he played it longer than you did. It seems to me that neither of you were up front with your intentions or wants. I wouldn't hold it against him, but would clearly set up things for the next date to be 50 percent. I would bring cash and put my half on the bill and let him do the same.

 

Sounds to me like you weren't really that interested, because if the sparks were really flying, would it matter?

 

I find it interesting how women want equal rights in every area but the financial one.

 

 

True. We want to earn as much as men, but we don't want to fork out equally on a date!

[xpaperxcutx]

God he sounded horrible. Even if he didn't want to pay he shouldn't make it that you put out your card first. He was the one who suggested the restaurant right?

 

 

If I had to go on a date like that, I ask to leave immediately and block his number. It's not even about the money ( I know I would happily want to go dutch), but a guy who asks you out should be well aware to that he might have to cover the bill. At least that will win him points.

[conehead]

God he sounded horrible. Even if he didn't want to pay he shouldn't make it that you put out your card first. He was the one who suggested the restaurant right?

 

 

If I had to go on a date like that, I ask to leave immediately and block his number. It's not even about the money ( I know I would happily want to go dutch), but a guy who asks you out should be well aware to that he might have to cover the bill. At least that will win him points.

 

Thank you! Yes he did suggest both dinner and the place for desert!

[tkgirl]

Thank you! Yes he did suggest both dinner and the place for desert!

 

 

if he asked you out, he should pay for everything.. IMO. I've done that though, where I'll offer to pay and most guys refuse to let me. If they do let me pay, it's all about how they act about it. His reaction would have turned me off.. and if I was on the fence about him it probably that would have killed it for me. I wouldn't go out with him again.

[Rainman760]

I've solved this issue for me this way:

 

If I ask a girl out I always pay; but with online dating that can become a bit of a sticking point after several "one and done" dates. It's not the money, and I am chivalrous for sure but it just becomes this little nagging thing after a while. So my first date is usually coffee or frozen yogurt and a walk along the beach or whatever. When it's time to pay I just get my wallet out and pay like no big thang. If the first date leads to a second date, that's usually dinner and I'll pay for that as well. Then she pays for the rest of our relationship! (kidding!)

 

There's been some threads about women who are looking for a free night out, especially with online dating, and I'm not sure if that's the case or not but either way, my way of doing things eradicates both issues.

 

I've never had the 'go dutch' conversation but I guess that'd work too but even that seems kind of wonky to me. It seems to me that by men paying they are giving the date the best possible chance for a good outcome, if one is in the making. Why disadvantage yourself right out of the gate even if seems small; I mean it tanked the OP's second date!

 

Do you girls ever feel any undo pressure when the guy pays to be nicer than you feel when you're bored to death or he is perhaps expecting a good night kiss? Do you bite your tongue a tad when he's a bit of a douche?

[txsilkysmoothe]

Men don't have it easy. I feel for them. I do offer to pay and sometimes insist on paying. I can afford it and we are both equally benefitting. I don't think any less of the men who allow me to pay.

[Angel1111]

Go with your initial instinct - his actions were a turn-off. There's a reason for that.

 

And stop offering to pay on dates when a guy asks you out. It screams: "I have no value."

[Confusedalways]

paying is so tricky! I always feel like I should insist, but I remember a thread here where a woman said she wanted to pay and everyone went nuts saying that its obnoxious/ rude/ annoying to insist. Plus it makes me uncomfortable to have him pay every time. I really don't mind it but I feel at least on the first date he should have made a better attempt

[Art_Critic]

No doubt the guy is a cheapskate..

 

He should have paid for the WHOLE date..

When I was dating I always paid for all my dates..

A girl spends tons of money on her looks, hair, makeup, nails and clothes to look hot for the guys, the very least a guy can do is pay for the date.

 

I would also pay for the girls babysitter if she had kids..

 

I am in the camp that a guy cannot recover from being a cheapskate on a date and should always be trying to impress the lady he is trying to win the affection and attention of..

 

Courting is still needed in today's dating world and if the guy isn't trying to court the girl then he isn't right for her..

 

I think a lot of guys would court and pay for dates if they were really into a girl but they think they can get cheap because they know it really wasn't going to go anywhere anyhow and they were just killing time...

Edited January 19, 2010 by Art_Critic

[D-Lish]

Go with your initial instinct - his actions were a turn-off. There's a reason for that.

 

And stop offering to pay on dates when a guy asks you out. It screams: "I have no value."

 

See, I don't agree with that sentiment at all.

 

If I go out with a guy and I know I won't accept a second date- I'll insist on going dutch with him. If I know I will accept a second date, I'll let him pay. I think that is fair. I make my own money, I can afford to do it, and if I am not going to see the guy again I don't think it's fair to him to let him pay for the entire date.

 

I don't think offering to pay half indicates that I have no value, I think it's indicates I have integrity if I don't plan on seeing the guy again.

[Orchid8]

Nay all the WAY! The guy is cheap! Personally, I would never go on a date with any guy that doesn't pay on the first date. And if I were a guy, I'd be embarrassed to even let you reach for your wallet. It doesn't sound like he makes a decent amount of money if he wants to go dutch or allows you to pay. Who does that on a first date?! LAME for sure!

 

I'm all about give and take but when it comes to the first few dates, I think he should be a gentleman and pay up.

 

I think you should pass on this guy. If he is okay with going dutch on the first date, he is going to expect you to go dutch every date after. I wouldn't bother giving him a second chance but it depends on if this is okay with you.

[TheLoneSock]

I never pay for everything the first date, it's always split. It stays that way for the first few dates. I have no problem paying for things; in fact I like paying most of the time, I take care of my girls - but that's a privilege that is earned and not given.

 

I've found many of the girls I've dated have not minded this either, who are mostly college girls. If they think I'm cheap because of my standard, they are free to date a guy who has to buy their company instead.

Edited January 19, 2010 by TheLoneSock
added

[xpaperxcutx]

I never pay for everything the first date, it's always split. It stays that way for the first few dates. I have no problem paying for things; in fact I like paying most of the time, I take care of my girls - but that's a privilege that is earned and not given.

 

I've found many of the girls I've dated have not minded this either, who are mostly college girls. If they think I'm cheap because of my standard, they are free to date a guy who has to buy their company instead.

 

Nobody said splitting was a bad idea, it was the way the guy went about "not" getting the check that screamed " CHEAP".

[Orchid8]

No doubt the guy is a cheapskate..

 

He should have paid for the WHOLE date..

When I was dating I always paid for all my dates..

A girl spends tons of money on her looks, hair, makeup, nails and clothes to look hot for the guys, the very least a guy can do is pay for the date.

 

I would also pay for the girls babysitter if she had kids..

 

I am in the camp that a guy cannot recover from being a cheapskate on a date and should always be trying to impress the lady he is trying to win the affection and attention of..

 

Courting is still needed in today's dating world and if the guy isn't trying to court the girl then he isn't right for her..

 

I think a lot of guys would court and pay for dates if they were really into a girl but they think they can get cheap because they know it really wasn't going to go anywhere anyhow and they were just killing time...

 

 

Amen to this post. *two thumbs up!*

[TheLoneSock]

Nobody said splitting was a bad idea, it was the way the guy went about "not" getting the check that screamed " CHEAP".

 

Yeah I know what you meant. To me though, I think that would scream submissive or hesitant more so than cheap. A more dominant man would grab the check as soon as it hit the table. Some women, however, would view that as chauvinistic; can't please all women.

[callingyouuu]

I've solved this issue for me this way:

 

If I ask a girl out I always pay; but with online dating that can become a bit of a sticking point after several "one and done" dates. It's not the money, and I am chivalrous for sure but it just becomes this little nagging thing after a while. So my first date is usually coffee or frozen yogurt and a walk along the beach or whatever. When it's time to pay I just get my wallet out and pay like no big thang. If the first date leads to a second date, that's usually dinner and I'll pay for that as well.

 

If I go out with a guy and I know I won't accept a second date- I'll insist on going dutch with him. If I know I will accept a second date, I'll let him pay. I think that is fair. I make my own money, I can afford to do it, and if I am not going to see the guy again I don't think it's fair to him to let him pay for the entire date.

 

I think that these are the fairest ways to go about things for both genders, with the girl going dutch on the first date superseding the guy paying if the girl doesn't want second date.

[counterman]

I too agree with D-Lish's idea. It is the fairest way to go, I reckon.

 

Is there a dating etiquette in regards to this matter?

 

I mean, I have a friend who pays for ALL his first dates but you know what? He has NEVER had a second date. All girls know that if they need a lift or something, he'll always give it to them. And, if they want a free meal in the guise of a "date" (regardless of who asks), he'll pay always. So, what should he do then? He's forking out a lot of money on girls that he never really had a chance with in the first place?

 

I always offer to pay when I ask a girl out. Some have responded with "I'll never let you do that again" which suggests that next time we'll split. There has been up one where when I pulled my cash out, she grabbed it quickly (and I couldn't get it back because she stuffed it down somewhere) and paid for it herself with her own money which was pretty funny. Some have pulled out their own money to split it but I tell them not to worry about it, BUT they insist on splitting it. What should I do then? I usually pay? If they want to split it, should I let them? I mean we both earn an income, and some have told me they prefer to pay for their own stuff. I would definitely shout them once in a while but yes,

 

Any guidelines to cover all the scenarios?

[SoulSearch_CO]

I think I've been spoiled with dating the guy I'm dating. He will not let me pay. Period. We were 2-1/2 months into it, easily a dozen dates+ down, and even one weekend away together - I pulled the check off the table and said I was paying and he told the waitress when she came back that HE was paying, but I stole the check. LOL He just simply won't let me. But it doesn't come across caveman. It's really rather flattering that he wants to treat me.

 

Having this happen on the first date would've been a huge turn-off to me. But everybody has their preferences and standards. Don't compromise on them if you don't want to!

[Dolos]

The set of guidelines i use for myself is i initially take it and offer to pay, if they offer to pay for half i tell them not to worry about it, if they insist past that point i let them. I don't know if its my age group (early twenties) but most women seem to want to pay for at least part of it, maybe its different for people that are older. Despite the fact i do it i still think its silly to expect a man to pay for everything in this day and age, seems to me like some women only want to be equal in certain ways.

[SoulSearch_CO]

The set of guidelines i use for myself is i initially take it and offer to pay, if they offer to pay for half i tell them not to worry about it, if they insist past that point i let them. I don't know if its my age group (early twenties) but most women seem to want to pay for at least part of it, maybe its different for people that are older. Despite the fact i do it i still think its silly to expect a man to pay for everything in this day and age, seems to me like some women only want to be equal in certain ways.

As soon as women earn 100% on the dollar for what men earn, then I'd consider them equal earners. In spite of the fact that women have outpaced men in earning degrees [1] [2], they are STILL earning less [1] [2] [3].

 

I'm only 29, btw.

[Ocean-Blue]

I'd be turned off. However, I'd consider other factors (i.e. attraction). Does the single act cancel out everything else?

[mem11363]

D-Lish,

The more you write - the more I respect you.

 

Let me reverse this thread for a moment. Once I took a woman on a first date - she was a lawyer. At the time my guess was that she earned about double what I did. Driving over to the place - we were getting something to eat - she complained about how some of the guys she worked with discriminated against women. Hey - no problem I believed her and all that. The thing is - for some reason it just rubbed me the wrong way when the bill came and she did the normal thing let me pick it up. Like even if she had said I will get the next one - or something. I mean she definitely way out earned me at the time and I thought wow you are going to complain about a situation that hurts you and totally ignore the bias in dating. Not cool. Never asked her out again.

 

And I always paid the full deal the first date and usually all my dates. Part of being socially adept

 

 

 

 

See, I don't agree with that sentiment at all.

 

If I go out with a guy and I know I won't accept a second date- I'll insist on going dutch with him. If I know I will accept a second date, I'll let him pay. I think that is fair. I make my own money, I can afford to do it, and if I am not going to see the guy again I don't think it's fair to him to let him pay for the entire date.

 

I don't think offering to pay half indicates that I have no value, I think it's indicates I have integrity if I don't plan on seeing the guy again.

[SoulSearch_CO]

Let me reverse this thread for a moment. Once I took a woman on a first date - she was a lawyer. At the time my guess was that she earned about double what I did. Driving over to the place - we were getting something to eat - she complained about how some of the guys she worked with discriminated against women. Hey - no problem I believed her and all that. The thing is - for some reason it just rubbed me the wrong way when the bill came and she did the normal thing let me pick it up. Like even if she had said I will get the next one - or something. I mean she definitely way out earned me at the time and I thought wow you are going to complain about a situation that hurts you and totally ignore the bias in dating. Not cool. Never asked her out again.

Do you think it's possible that her experiences with dating have shown men to feel intimidated by her success? I'm just curious. I'm not sticking up for her. I'm just playing devil's advocate. Had she been given the second date chance, maybe she would've paid. You'll never know, now. But I would think that if a woman earned more, was more successful than the man, it probably doesn't behoove her to ACT like she's the man and grab the bill. I think it's sad, but that garbage still exists, too (men being intimidated by successful women): http://www.nytimes.com/2010/01/19/us/19marriage.html

 

I'm just curious on your thoughts about that - not asking you to defend any actions.