I ended up paying more than him on a first date...is that a big no no?

[ella23]

Hey I'm 28 and I get it.

And I'm 20 and I get it, too. lol

[RedDevil66]

Hey I'm 28 and I get it.

 

You're right, it's not about age. I think it's about maturity....my bad!

 

I retract the statement :-)

[Trialbyfire]

Casually asking up front works for me, because I've had guys suggest this place or that, and it's not always in my price range. I'll suggest something closer to my price range. I'd rather know up front if it's a dutch thing or not. I don't feel right having guys pay my way all the time, especially when I'm just dating, and it's the first date. It makes me feel like I'm trying to get a free ride. I also have been on some dates where they ask for two checks. I still get to know them if they have other qualities I like, and some of those men have been much better then some dick head guys who did pay for my whole meal and whatever else.

I can see how this works for you. We each have our own way to do things and as you've stated further on, our own comfort levels.

 

I 100% agree that it's about the person and what they feel comfortable with.. however..

 

I'm more put off here, though, by the fact that OP stated she didn't feel any sparks, but would have went out with him again if he paid for everything.

 

I also don't think OP should have busted out the wallet, and denied his offer to split the second bill, then come back and call him cheap, amongst all the other names this guy has gotten.

Ah, okay, I didn't see it from that perspective. But if it had happened with me, the same way where he showed extreme reluctance to pay, I probably would have paid and said "sayonara" too. For that matter, if I felt insulted enough, I would have tossed the $30 dinner amount onto the table and insisted he take it, so he fully understood, I wasn't impressed.

[conehead]

If I were cheap, I would have taken his offer to split and I would have saved myself $23. But I didnt because its not the money, its the thought that counts. He was not sincere in paying and even in splitting (remember, he only asked to split after my card was in the flap)! thus I just went ahead and paid for it all to spare him!

[conehead]

I can see how this works for you. We each have our own way to do things and as you've stated further on, our own comfort levels.

 

Ah, okay, I didn't see it from that perspective. But if it had happened with me, the same way where he showed extreme reluctance to pay, I probably would have paid and said "sayonara" too. For that matter, if I felt insulted enough, I would have tossed the $30 dinner amount onto the table and insisted he take it, so he fully understood, I wasn't impressed.

 

Exactly TBH, that was my mindset at the time. Like I said if i was cheap, I would have taken his 'offer' to split, but I said screw it I'll just pay it all.

[dreamergrl]

 

Ah, okay, I didn't see it from that perspective. But if it had happened with me, the same way where he showed extreme reluctance to pay, I probably would have paid and said "sayonara" too. For that matter, if I felt insulted enough, I would have tossed the $30 dinner amount onto the table and insisted he take it, so he fully understood, I wasn't impressed.

 

If you felt no sparks with him, would you have let him pay and give him another date?

[conehead]

If you felt no sparks with him, would you have let him pay and give him another date?

 

Another example of how you misread/misintrepreted what i wrote again. It takes me sometimes a few dates before the sparks generate. I have NEVER and I mean NEVER gone out on a second date with anyone I had zero interest in. Did you miss the part where I wrote that I did not feel instant sparks yet enjoyed his company enough for a second date (at least until he displayed this extreme reluctance to pay, ew) ?

[Trialbyfire]

If you felt no sparks with him, would you have let him pay and give him another date?

That's a tough one, since in the past, I've been accused of not being open-minded enough about some of the guys I've dated. So it would have depended on whether or not, it was during this short interim or not.

 

Normally in the past, no. During the time between my divorce and meeting H., probably, within reason. If he turned me off completely, absolutely not. If he was fun and interesting, once again, probably, within reason.

[conehead]

Edit: to add 'I did not feel instant sparks yet enjoyed his company enough for a second date to see if things will grow or develop'

[harmfulsweetz]

Another example of how you misread/misintrepreted what i wrote again. It takes me sometimes a few dates before the sparks generate. I have NEVER and I mean NEVER gone out on a second date with anyone I had zero interest in. Did you miss the part where I wrote that I did not feel instant sparks yet enjoyed his company enough for a second date (at least until he displayed this extreme reluctance to pay, ew) ?

 

 

You actually said something along the lines 'no I wasn't that interested but had he paid, I would have gone out with him again.' So yeah.

[Lishy]

If I went out on a date with a guy I really liked and he looked at me when the cheque came to pay half or suggested I paid half my interest would drop to zero. Nothing to do with the money, I could buy the whole meal myself but I want a guy to pay on that first date ... If he paid and asked me out again I would pay for the whole thing and have no problem doing that

 

When I am with someone I like I like to treat that person special and make them feel good and I want the same in return

 

Calling me a prostitute or saying I am a gold digger will not change my mind as I know what I am and I am none of the above.

 

To ME a guy who likes you will not expect you to pay on the first date. If I went to a bar after he had bought a meal I would insist on getting drinks but I dont want a guy to tell me I have to pay half, it makes me cringe ... I would pay the lot and he wouldnt see me again

 

No, men are not cash cows and no I dont want a man for his money and if I knew I would never see him again I would insist on paying half so I didnt feel bad BUT if I liked him and he asked me to pay half then I would defo next him!

[conehead]

You actually said something along the lines 'no I wasn't that interested but had he paid, I would have gone out with him again.' So yeah.

 

Just judging by the first part of that statement, doesnt seem like you even read my posts clearly. Something along the lines statmeents are how info get jumbled up and misinterpreted.

[dreamergrl]

Just because I didnt mention it earlier, doesn't mean its not true. I make a lot of money, $10 is not a big deal if we were just friends. But it's a first date where he suggested we go get dinner then get desert at that place afterward...

 

I enjoyed his company but there weren't real sparks there. Had he paid for the whole night, I'd probably go out with him again just to see if things grow between us. But due to his behavior with the bill, I do feel turned off right now and have no desire to return his call.

 

So because you enjoy his company, but there are no sparks (which means FRIENDSHIP), he should pay?

[harmfulsweetz]

Just judging by the first part of that statement, doesnt seem like you even read my posts clearly. Something along the lines statmeents are how info get jumbled up and misinterpreted.

 

 

You've said it several times within this thread, the same statement about how if he had paid, he would have got a second date, like the whole thing hinges on money! You reached in your bag for your purse, which indicates your interest in paying, had you not done so, you may not be posting this topic now. Simple really.

 

Stop testing men and expecting them to read minds. Some do, and some don't. But the whole crux of the issue rests on communication, you wanted him to pay and you didn't communicate this at all.

[Stung]

I could see that..

I certainly would find it charming..

 

Would you wonder if the the guy was cheap if he said yes to you paying awful fast ?

 

 

I don't think so...after all I would have made the offer in good faith, hoping he would say yes. Of course, I would expect him to go down on me later that night.

 

 

Joke!

 

Okay, in seriousness, I guess a red flag would have been thrown up if it were a man who had too much of a problem with my paying, actually, depending on how he went about it. If he acted like I was cutting his balls off, or something, that would have been a turn off. I was never on the market for somebody that rigid about gender roles, you know? Just take the damn meal or ticket or whatever and be gracious about it, as I did when the roles were reversed. It's only a date.

 

Presumably red flags would also have been raised if anyone responding were to have gone on to treat me like a walking wallet, but this is something I never personally encountered on the dating scene. However, I was also never a big multi-dater, and even when I entered the world of online dating I was really selective about who I met, engaging them in a fair amount of conversation first. I have only 'dated' total strangers a few times, usually I was starting off already knowing the person somewhat, at least socially, and they were either someone I'd felt some genuine interest in a while or who I knew had set their focus on me specifically and were trying to woo me, which I think is a somewhat different scenario than some people are talking about in this thread.

[homersheineken]

If I went out on a date with a guy I really liked and he looked at me when the cheque came to pay half or suggested I paid half my interest would drop to zero. Nothing to do with the money, I could buy the whole meal myself but I want a guy to pay on that first date ... If he paid and asked me out again I would pay for the whole thing and have no problem doing that

 

When I am with someone I like I like to treat that person special and make them feel good and I want the same in return

 

Calling me a prostitute or saying I am a gold digger will not change my mind as I know what I am and I am none of the above.

 

To ME a guy who likes you will not expect you to pay on the first date. If I went to a bar after he had bought a meal I would insist on getting drinks but I dont want a guy to tell me I have to pay half, it makes me cringe ... I would pay the lot and he wouldnt see me again

 

No, men are not cash cows and no I dont want a man for his money and if I knew I would never see him again I would insist on paying half so I didnt feel bad BUT if I liked him and he asked me to pay half then I would defo next him!

 

Doesn't matter if you think you're a gold digger or prostitute. There are plenty of women out there who do that and that's why I won't pay for the first date. How do I know where you stand and what you're after? It's a defense mechanism against being taken.

 

You're really willing to pass up on perhaps the greatest guy ever because he won't buy you damn cheeseburger after knowing you for an hour?

[conehead]

So because you enjoy his company, but there are no sparks (which means FRIENDSHIP), he should pay?

 

No INSTANT sparks does not necessairly mean friendship to me. I've had a bf where the sparks did not come until a few dates later.

[harmfulsweetz]

If I went out on a date with a guy I really liked and he looked at me when the cheque came to pay half or suggested I paid half my interest would drop to zero. Nothing to do with the money, I could buy the whole meal myself but I want a guy to pay on that first date ... If he paid and asked me out again I would pay for the whole thing and have no problem doing that

 

When I am with someone I like I like to treat that person special and make them feel good and I want the same in return

 

Calling me a prostitute or saying I am a gold digger will not change my mind as I know what I am and I am none of the above.

 

To ME a guy who likes you will not expect you to pay on the first date. If I went to a bar after he had bought a meal I would insist on getting drinks but I dont want a guy to tell me I have to pay half, it makes me cringe ... I would pay the lot and he wouldnt see me again

 

No, men are not cash cows and no I dont want a man for his money and if I knew I would never see him again I would insist on paying half so I didnt feel bad BUT if I liked him and he asked me to pay half then I would defo next him!

 

 

That's your prerogative. Just as it is every woman's whatever way they want it. However, just because a guy would prefer to go dutch with you, doesn't make him cheap or desperate as the OP has flung around. He paid for the meal, she was the one who gave indication she'd like to pay, perhaps he simply got confused as to what was happening and didn't want to ask?

 

First dates shouldn't be about who pays for what, why is that even a worry? It should be about getting to know each other, and finding out if you are a good match. Not about oh I paid $10 more.

 

If you have an interest in a guy, he seems like a good match for you, you would allow whether he pays or not to influence your choice in dating him again? That actually sounds pretty shallow. If I like a guy, I like him, and would be intrigued to know more and to see him again. It's not low class to go dutch, certainly not, it actually starts things off on an even keel, showing you can take care of yourself, and don't need a man to foot the bill.

 

I am not suggesting in any way that I wouldn't be flattered and pleased if a guy offered to pay for the whole evening, but I would certainly make it clear that I would like to pay, and if he refuses to let me, then that's cool too. I wouldn't simply next a guy I liked based on this. It's rather silly and it's no wonder a lot of people are single if they consistently find reasons as small as this to influence their decision.

[conehead]

People are so extreme.

 

If I had absolutely zero interest in this guy, him insisting on paying for everything would have made no difference because I would not go out with him again!! I did have some interest in this guy, but it went out the window due to his behavior. Seems like people keep posting but aren't reading/listening.

[dreamergrl]

No INSTANT sparks does not necessairly mean friendship to me. I've had a bf where the sparks did not come until a few dates later.

 

Even if so... why should he pay if you feel no chemistry at that point? Which you clearly didn't. You said so yourself. I found and quoted it, so no, there was nothing misread. Why should he keep dishing out money for a girl who doesn't feel any sparks at that point? Why?

[harmfulsweetz]

People are so extreme.

 

If I had absolutely zero interest in this guy, him insisting on paying for everything would have made no difference because I would not go out with him again!! I did have some interest in this guy, but it went out the window due to his behavior. Seems like people keep posting but aren't reading/listening.

 

 

I think to be fair, you allowed a pretty shallow reason to prevent you seeing this guy. I think you played games, and didn't like it when he didn't catch on. Oh well, I guess that's the world of dating. I'd say he got a lucky escape but that's just me.

[harmfulsweetz]

Even if so... why should he pay if you feel no chemistry at that point? Which you clearly didn't. You said so yourself. I found and quoted it, so no, there was nothing misread. Why should he keep dishing out money for a girl who doesn't feel any sparks at that point? Why?

 

 

Exactly. Why would you want to lead him on like that? If you know it's not going anywhere, why allow him to pay? If it were me, I'd sooner pay my share, or the lot, and be done with it. I'd only feel guilty going out with someone and allowing them to pay the whole amount knowing I wouldn't want to progress with it. Then to say that it hinged on him paying is rather ridiculous. I wonder how many men would think twice about these kinds of women if they realized that their decision in progressing further relied upon their paying?

[conehead]

Even if so... why should he pay if you feel no chemistry at that point? Which you clearly didn't. You said so yourself. I found and quoted it, so no, there was nothing misread. Why should he keep dishing out money for a girl who doesn't feel any sparks at that point? Why?

 

Because by not being generous, he killed whatever interest I had to begin with. But in the end, we just arent' compatible anyway it seems and he needs a girl like you who doesnt mind splitting or paying more. The point of dating is to put your best forward and to impress the girl.

[conehead]

Exactly. Why would you want to lead him on like that? If you know it's not going anywhere, why allow him to pay? If it were me, I'd sooner pay my share, or the lot, and be done with it. I'd only feel guilty going out with someone and allowing them to pay the whole amount knowing I wouldn't want to progress with it. Then to say that it hinged on him paying is rather ridiculous. I wonder how many men would think twice about these kinds of women if they realized that their decision in progressing further relied upon their paying?

 

Another misread. Why would I be leading him on? I was willing to go on a second date at that time to see if sparks grow. Not like it was 'oh, i dont like this guy at all but I will go out with him again just to use him and then dispose of him.' I don't date to just kill time....I date to find the right person. He was not this person.

[Clep]

People are so extreme.

 

If I had absolutely zero interest in this guy, him insisting on paying for everything would have made no difference because I would not go out with him again!! I did have some interest in this guy, but it went out the window due to his behavior. Seems like people keep posting but aren't reading/listening.

 

I am reading and listening. I am hearing everything you are saying.....I just disagree with you. I think you contradict yourself and then defend that contradiction which must be quite frustrating when people call you on it.

 

Yes people can be extreme and I think you are a very good example of that. You played the same game you are accusing him of playing, but you seem to think that because you are a "woman" it was okay for you but not okay for him. You were not sincere about paying, played the "my wallet won't open crap" and are upset he did the same thing exactly. The only difference I see between the two of you is that he isn't on a public forum complaining about it.