Impossible Choice

[In Crisis Now]

This is my first post here... I've been lurking for some time and think it might be time for me to try and get some advice.

 

I am married with kids and I've fallen in love with a married man (he has kids too). When I say that I've fallen in love, I mean that this man is everything I thought I would never find. He is my match in so many ways. There is so much love and passion and joy.

 

My marriage isn't horrible and my husband is a good man. He is a great father and a good provider. We've been married for 15 years and we are like roommates. We take care of the kids, work, make sure life is running okay. Sex is good, no complaints. We just never connect, hardly talk, don't pay attention to one another. In a way, everything just feels dead, and it has for a long time.

 

So, if the marriage feels dead, when do you know you should leave? Do I stick around for my kids? Has anyone ever regretted leaving?

[hopeless4u]

This is my first post here... I've been lurking for some time and think it might be time for me to try and get some advice.

 

I am married with kids and I've fallen in love with a married man (he has kids too). When I say that I've fallen in love, I mean that this man is everything I thought I would never find. He is my match in so many ways. There is so much love and passion and joy.

 

My marriage isn't horrible and my husband is a good man. He is a great father and a good provider. We've been married for 15 years and we are like roommates. We take care of the kids, work, make sure life is running okay. Sex is good, no complaints. We just never connect, hardly talk, don't pay attention to one another. In a way, everything just feels dead, and it has for a long time.

 

So, if the marriage feels dead, when do you know you should leave? Do I stick around for my kids? Has anyone ever regretted leaving?

 

 

Hey hunny, welcome.

 

I'm an xOW that still loves my xMM and I can promise you he felt/feels the same as you but when it came to DDay he chose his W and trust me you will probably choose your H when it comes to it.

 

He has no complaints in general and the guilt you will feel will eat away at you.

 

If you are unhappy in your M then get out for YOU, not anyone else.

 

Good luck xx

[skywriter]

Hi In Crisis Now,

 

Welcome and sorry for what has brought you here. I hope you can find some helpful answers here.

 

I don't know what to tell you, really. My H fell out of love with me, he left and I can't say if he regrets it. I've never gotten the impression that he regrets it.

My children were 14 yrs and 15 yr when he left.

 

I'd think that if you aren't arguing and if there isn't alot of hostility between the two of you then living together is fine. Your problems with a lack of intimacy is something that maybe you all might be willing to work on with a counselor. MY H wasn't interested in doing so.

 

If the MM that you are involved in isn't interested in leaving his W. How long do you think that you can carry on with him?

[In Crisis Now]

Thank you both so much for your replies. I feel so isolated, it feels good to be talking about all of this.

 

As far as my married man goes, he is willing to leave his family for me. He is just as in love as I am and can't imagine us not being together now that we have found this.

 

I have thought about going to counseling with my husband. I think he would go. Not sure. But even then, I don't really think it will do much good. I think he will just do what he thinks he needs to in order to keep me plugging along and running things that he doesn't want to take care of.

 

I don't want to be in an affair. In fact, I hate it. I can't see myself doing this for very long. It's eating away at me.

 

I feel like my choices are to either stay in my marriage, suck it up, exist, keep my kids from having to experience a broken family, but be heartbroken to have given up the one man who is the love of my life. Or, I leave, make a new life with him, and force everyone around me to suffer for my choices.

 

And I have thought about what you said, Hopeless... I should be leaving for me and not for someone else.

 

I'm so afraid of regrets... of looking back and knowing I gave up this man. Or the regret of walking away from my family and the life we have worked so hard for so many years to create.

[Fallen Angel]

I left my marriage and never regretted it for a minute, but my marriage was abusive on every level, and so is not the same thing.

 

I guess you have to decide what you can live with.

 

Can you live in a marriage where you feel disconnected and still feel that when you die you will look back and be content with your life?

 

Or do you feel that you need that connection to be able to look back on your last day with no regrets?

 

Will you be leaving because you want better for you, whatever that may be?

 

Or will you be leaving in hopes that your MM will leave and the two of you will be a forever relationship?

 

(NOTE* More married women leave their marriages than married men. married women think with their hearts, men with their heads, consequently, often a married woman will leave her marriage, and the married man she left for never will.)

 

Are you ready to be completely on your own if things do not work out with your married man?

 

Or are you going to hope that if things don't work out with MM that your husband will take you back?

 

I think you need to do a lot of thinking about what you really want and need to be happy. You need to base your decisions on the fact that if you leave your marriage there is a strong possibility that you will not continue on into a commited relationship with MM, and you may end up alone.

 

I asked myself, if when I died, and I looked back on my life, if I would be happy, proud and content with the choice I made, regardless of the outcome. For me, the answer was yes, for you the answer may be different.

[Fallen Angel]

Thank you both so much for your replies. I feel so isolated, it feels good to be talking about all of this.

 

As far as my married man goes, he is willing to leave his family for me. He is just as in love as I am and can't imagine us not being together now that we have found this.

 

I have thought about going to counseling with my husband. I think he would go. Not sure. But even then, I don't really think it will do much good. I think he will just do what he thinks he needs to in order to keep me plugging along and running things that he doesn't want to take care of.

 

I don't want to be in an affair. In fact, I hate it. I can't see myself doing this for very long. It's eating away at me.

 

I feel like my choices are to either stay in my marriage, suck it up, exist, keep my kids from having to experience a broken family, but be heartbroken to have given up the one man who is the love of my life. Or, I leave, make a new life with him, and force everyone around me to suffer for my choices.

 

And I have thought about what you said, Hopeless... I should be leaving for me and not for someone else.

 

I'm so afraid of regrets... of looking back and knowing I gave up this man. Or the regret of walking away from my family and the life we have worked so hard for so many years to create.

 

Just because he says he is willing to do this does not mean it is so, read some of the stories here... some men went so far as to move out of their homes and start divorces, only to go back to their wives in the end. I do NOT want to dash your hopes, if anything I wish nothing but love and happiness for you, but i do not want you to plan your life about what he may or may not do.

 

If he is willing to leave his wife/family for you, what has he done towards that end? has he spoken with a lawyer? has he found himself an apartment? separated their incomes?

 

I am just saying, take the things he says with a grain of salt hun.. until you see that he means what he says.

[jwi71]

I am married with kids and I've fallen in love with a married man (he has kids too). When I say that I've fallen in love, I mean that this man is everything I thought I would never find. He is my match in so many ways. There is so much love and passion and joy.

 

I have my doubts that this is love.

Its MORE likely he fills all the emotional/physical voids in your life and you mistake it for love. Much akin to a starving man will think even the moldiest crust of bread is the best thing on Earth.

My marriage isn't horrible and my husband is a good man. He is a great father and a good provider. We've been married for 15 years and we are like roommates. We take care of the kids, work, make sure life is running okay. Sex is good, no complaints. We just never connect, hardly talk, don't pay attention to one another.

This is SO much more honest....you just never connect.

And how can you trapped in this fantasy? Energy given to the OM SHOULD be going to your H. Perhaps an effort or redirection of that time, emotion and energy INTO your H will help this "void".

 

What have you done to revive the M?

 

When you sat down and talked about the state of your M...how did your H respond?

 

What about IC and MC?

 

In a way, everything just feels dead, and it has for a long time.

The Affair Effect. Everything in the A is all good and the M is "Dead". To be honest, everything you write is perfect A speak. Its the script...heard it a 1000 times. Usually, the A drains all the time energy and emotion from the "unfulfilling" M that the M needs to SURVIVE. And it FEELS dead. Because it is - from YOUR perspective. Its like wondering why your garden isn't growing when you don't water, nurture and care for it.

 

Again...what have YOU done to SAVE the M?

What concrete actions can you list?

And, if you exhausted every possible option (MC, IC, heart felt emotional talks, family interventions, etc)...and your H refuses to come around...then NOW is the time to leave.

 

So, if the marriage feels dead, when do you know you should leave? Do I stick around for my kids? Has anyone ever regretted leaving?

Well, like the above, if you have exhausted all possible ways to resuscitate your M and it has failed...then D now. Your H deserves a life with a woman who will love, respect, honor and make him feel alive. So do you - you deserve to be in a loving and fulfilling M. And if you are denied these with your H...just leave NOW.

 

Staying for "the kids" is usually unhealthy for ALL involved. Its typically just an excuse to have an A and CHANGE nothing (until busted anyway). Because kids can live perfectly healthy and well adjusted lives AFTER D. Per my IC, there is NO statistical difference in terms of children being successful in traditional nuclear families or those from D.

 

And to top it off...would STILL be in an unfulfillable M and UNHAPPY. Why choose that?

 

However, if you do choose to stay "for the kids" the least you can do is inform your H of your A, seek his acceptance so HE can find fulfillment with another woman...and stay for the kids himself. Otherwise, you are trapping him in a prison of false monogamy...does he not also deserve the opportunity to find love with another and remain married "for the kids"?

 

Fair's fair right?

 

Good luck...

[In Crisis Now]

Thank you Fallen Angel. I appreciate your words.

 

As far as my married man, we both have fairly young children. We both want to wait a few years to leave if that's what I decide. So I haven't asked him for anything concrete. The difference for him is that he is in an unhappy marriage and has no problem divorcing. He figures he'll stay in the home for the sake of his kids until I'm ready. In so many ways, he is waiting for me.

 

I guess I never really thought about a lot of what you said. If I divorced my husband and my married man changes his mind, I would be alone. You're right. That would make me feel like I screwed up my kids lives for nothing. I would hate myself for that.

 

I probably sound like every other person in an affair when I say this, but I completely believe him when he tells me he will leave to be with me.

 

I also liked what you said about thinking for myself about what I truly want... how I will feel on my deathbed about either choice. I think the problem for me is that my head will think one way and my heart will feel another.

 

I love my kids so much. I want what's best for them. Is that staying with their dad if I'm not happy? I don't know.

[WhereToGoFromHere]

Jwi71,

 

I will say that I respect your words. In my situation, they're sometimes hard to hear, but I can see that you speak fairly without vengfulness or anymosity. The cold hard facts.

 

Thanks for all of your posts. Clearly you put a lot of time in them.

[dazzle22]

The others are very wise. Do not make the mistake of LINKING these two situations. They are separate. Decide first and foremost about whether you want to save your marriage. The other is a fantasy that may or may not come about, but the odds they say is about 5%!! The OM SAYS he will leave, but stay now for the kids.... do NOT believe that one. Does his wife know of his "noble sacrifice"??.....

 

Work on your marriage first. You have a lot to lose there.

[whichwayisup]

You owe it to your kids, and to your husband to fix things. To throw away a 15 year marriage, plus the history you two share without trying, without being honest, communicating and allowing both you and your H to reconnect again, to make the effort, would be a shame and a waste. It seems like you do love your husband, but life has gotten in the way, daily routines, the kids, and both you and your H have forgotten about one another. If you put that love and energy into your H and marriage, I bet you'd be happily surprised.

 

what you have with MM is fun, fantasy, exciting.. But, it is NOT a real relationship. It's hidden, it's betrayal and on the expense of your spouses, your family.. You two have an affair going on, not a loving, honest sharing out in the open relationship.. It hasn't been tested with what life throws at you, nor is there any responsibility either.

 

I really hope you decide to let go of MM, focus on your own marriage. Try to love your H again, bring that passion back..You obviously felt that for him at one time seeing as you got married, had children with him.

 

Another thing, think about your extended family..Friends..Inlaws, your parents.. Kids friends, neighbours.. Do you really want to change your life so drastically, all because you let yourself fall for a MM?

 

If your marriage is to end, let it be because your marriage isn't working and you don't love your H anymore, and do it for YOU not because there 'might' be a chance with MM. Be OK with being on your own..

 

Something tells me that you really have no plans on divorcing though, that you are OK staying married and having an affair on the side, as long as you don't get caught.

[In Crisis Now]

Wow JW, thank you. Your response was hard to read in some ways, but also something that I think I need to hear.

 

My marriage has been bad for a long time. I have asked my husband for what I need, many times. I have tried "being the change I seek" so they say. I have tried romantic trips, love letters, heartfelt talks, anything I could to try to get him to see what is lacking. He never responds. He is happy doing his thing and expects me to be happy just doing mine. I don't think he is looking for what I am. It is my fault for not seeing this before I married him.

 

I am going to suggest counseling. I think you are right. I can't make the decision to leave my marriage until we have tried to see if we can give each other what we both want.

 

To be fair, my marriage was bad before my affair. My affair did not make my marriage bad. I am not viewing my marriage or my husband through an "affair fog" when I say that. And I am sure my married man is giving me all that I feel I've been lacking from my husband. But I do believe I am in love with him.

 

Thank you again for your response. I will be talking to my husband about counseling tonight.

[skywriter]

I think hopeless4u said it should be about you and none other. I'm inclined to agree for the most part. Running from the pot to the frying pan is not wise.

 

Divorce is very traumatic. You'll need to work on yourself for a while and so should the MM.

 

Learning to adjusts to one another right after a divorce may very well ruin your feelings for one another.

[In Crisis Now]

You owe it to your kids, and to your husband to fix things. To throw away a 15 year marriage, plus the history you two share without trying, without being honest, communicating and allowing both you and your H to reconnect again, to make the effort, would be a shame and a waste. It seems like you do love your husband, but life has gotten in the way, daily routines, the kids, and both you and your H have forgotten about one another. If you put that love and energy into your H and marriage, I bet you'd be happily surprised.

 

what you have with MM is fun, fantasy, exciting.. But, it is NOT a real relationship. It's hidden, it's betrayal and on the expense of your spouses, your family.. You two have an affair going on, not a loving, honest sharing out in the open relationship.. It hasn't been tested with what life throws at you, nor is there any responsibility either.

 

I really hope you decide to let go of MM, focus on your own marriage. Try to love your H again, bring that passion back..You obviously felt that for him at one time seeing as you got married, had children with him.

 

Another thing, think about your extended family..Friends..Inlaws, your parents.. Kids friends, neighbours.. Do you really want to change your life so drastically, all because you let yourself fall for a MM?

 

If your marriage is to end, let it be because your marriage isn't working and you don't love your H anymore, and do it for YOU not because there 'might' be a chance with MM. Be OK with being on your own..

 

Something tells me that you really have no plans on divorcing though, that you are OK staying married and having an affair on the side, as long as you don't get caught.

 

You are saying a lot of what I have been thinking about. All of it is really sound advice. I think I have just been needing to hear it from others.

 

I did say in one of my posts that I absolutely hate being in an affair and can't see doing it for very long. It is eating me up inside. So no, I don't intend to stay married and just keep my married man on the side.

[Crazyforhim]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]You probably haven’t read my story, but I became involved with a MM about 2 years ago and was faced with the same struggle as you. Good husband and good father – he was satisfied with our status quo relationship but deep down I knew I wasn’t happy. Meeting my MM, with whom I had great emotional connection and chemistry, confirmed this. It really took me awhile to be able to figure out if I wanted to leave because of my unhappiness or if I wanted to leave because of my hopes of being with MM one day.[/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]I started IC and it really helped me drive to the source of the issues in my marriage. Sometimes IC’s or others on this board recommend a period of NC with MM to focus on the M and make sure your decision is not being clouded by MM. GREAT ADVICE! In my case, we did NC but after about two weeks, I knew that I wanted to leave because for me and not because of MM. Sometimes it takes a lot longer, but this will help you separate the decisions. I didn't really know deep down in my heart that I had done the right thing until I was out.[/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT]

[sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]I left my H last year and my life has been a lot happier ever since. Kids are doing great, but then again we have made a lot of effort in getting along as co-parents and put our problems aside when the kids are involved. MM has not made up his mind yet as to what he wants (stay or leave), but either way, I do not regret leaving as I know I made that decision for me. [/FONT][/sIZE]

[whichwayisup]

As far as my married man, we both have fairly young children. We both want to wait a few years to leave if that's what I decide. So I haven't asked him for anything concrete. The difference for him is that he is in an unhappy marriage and has no problem divorcing. He figures he'll stay in the home for the sake of his kids until I'm ready. In so many ways, he is waiting for me.

 

Keep in mind that both you and your MM are lying to your spouses. Sure, right now he may and you may feel leaving and divorcing is the way to go. EVERYTHING changes once your spouses find out and react. You believe your H is just going to let you go if you ask for a divorce? I think he'll fight to keep his family together and be a better husband to you - IF you allow him the chance. Problem is, you won't allow your H ANY chance of reconnecting and becoming close again because MM is in your heart. No way is it possible to fix things with MM in your life. He has to go if you and your H have a fighting chance.

 

I guess I never really thought about a lot of what you said. If I divorced my husband and my married man changes his mind, I would be alone. You're right. That would make me feel like I screwed up my kids lives for nothing. I would hate myself for that.

 

Again, leave your marriage for YOU. Not because you're scared to be alone. Do it because you don't love your H, and reguardless of what MM does or doesn't do. You should be OK being alone if you leave your marriage.

 

MM lie. You can believe what he is telling you, but if you take time to read other posts here you will see how often MM put themselves first. He can tell you one thing and do the complete opposite. Remember, he is LYING and deceiving his wife, the woman he said vows to, so don't fool yourself into believing he won't lie or omit truths from you.

 

And, without sounding harsh, the same goes for you. I mean what if he left and divorced..And your husband fought like hell to show you how much he wants to save the marriage? Would you throw away a chance of fixing things, making it right with him, to keep your family intact? Or would you let go and start over with MM, have a blended family with him. Your kids, his kids, still having to deal with your exH and his exW.. The other issues you two will face daily, let alone dealing with all the kids.. It would be really hard for everyone involved and very painful.

[WhereToGoFromHere]

Hi ICN,

 

I don't have much to add here. I am in a very similar situation except me being the MM. It sucks to be in this mess, doesn't it? Kids, doing whats right. I'm right there with you.

 

There are a lot of smart people with good advice on this site. You will see posts from others that may seem a little vendictive. Just take those with a grain of salt.

 

You have to do whats best for you.

[whichwayisup]

You are saying a lot of what I have been thinking about. All of it is really sound advice. I think I have just been needing to hear it from others.

 

I did say in one of my posts that I absolutely hate being in an affair and can't see doing it for very long. It is eating me up inside. So no, I don't intend to stay married and just keep my married man on the side.

 

I am happy to hear you're open to what we're all saying. And that you don't want the A to go on anymore.

 

Start with going to counselling. Get stronger so you can figure out what to do next. I do think you need to tell your H the truth, so he can decide if he wants out of the marriage. He deserves to have a woman who is only going to love him, and not cheat on him. As hard as it will be, atleast confessing will end the A and a decision will be made either way. Maybe your H will want to divorce, maybe you two will do marriage counselling. BUT, you cannot 'bank' on what MM does. You can leave, then you'll have to be OK with being alone if he changes his mind and decides to give HIS marriage another chance.

 

If I were in your shoes, end the A, go full on NC (no contact) with the MM in every way possible and focus on your H, see if you can fix it.

[Fallen Angel]

Thank you Fallen Angel. I appreciate your words.

 

As far as my married man, we both have fairly young children. We both want to wait a few years to leave if that's what I decide. So I haven't asked him for anything concrete. The difference for him is that he is in an unhappy marriage and has no problem divorcing. He figures he'll stay in the home for the sake of his kids until I'm ready. In so many ways, he is waiting for me.

 

I guess I never really thought about a lot of what you said. If I divorced my husband and my married man changes his mind, I would be alone. You're right. That would make me feel like I screwed up my kids lives for nothing. I would hate myself for that.

 

I probably sound like every other person in an affair when I say this, but I completely believe him when he tells me he will leave to be with me.

 

I also liked what you said about thinking for myself about what I truly want... how I will feel on my deathbed about either choice. I think the problem for me is that my head will think one way and my heart will feel another.

 

I love my kids so much. I want what's best for them. Is that staying with their dad if I'm not happy? I don't know.

 

This statement doesn't make any sense to me. Why would you wait to get out of unhappy, unfulfilling marriages? The younger the children are, (in my opinion) the better they cope with a divorce.

 

My children were 14, 9 and 4 when I left their father, they all took it suprisingly well. But, the youngest dealt with the "life change" much better than the older two. She was more ready to adapt to a new lifestyle, a new home, a new state, new schools etc. She was also much more able to accept a new man in mommy's life, when i introduced her to the man I am with now.

 

All in all, my kids have done remarkably well, considering. Their grades have vastly improved, their social outreach has grown by leaps and bounds, and they are happier than they ever were when mommy and daddy were trying to fake it through an unhappy marriage.

 

I know that some people struggle with that one, My own MM stays in his marriage because of his child (now 15 years old). He does not see things the way i do, that no matter how hard you try to fake it, the kids know, they feel the disconnect too.

 

When my kids and I got moved and settled, my children said they were glad mostly to be living in a place they didn't feel they had to walk on eggshells... they now get to be kids again, without the stress and tension that living in an unhappy home brings them.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

MC, is a waste of time, money, and energy IMO unless you intend to be upfront with your H and go NC with your MM. Unless you are entering into it to prove yourself right and the time and money are worth what it takes to convince yourself you've done all you can. IC on the other hand could help you to make the decisions for your family that need to be made.

 

If you can find reasons to hate your husband then leaving will be all the easier. Much better in fact than just existing. Given a few years, you should be able to cultivate plenty of reasons. I'm not sure though that its in the best interest of your R with your MM to wait to long. With time there becomes too many opportunities for doubt, hurt, and self-degradation. Its hard to begin a successful R while trying to overcome the damage done by these things. The more drawn out this becomes, the more resulting damage you'll all have to deal with.

[Got it]

In Crisis -

 

I will give you my story for whatever it is worth. I was married, no kids, my MM was married with kids.

 

I left my marriage 6 weeks into the affair. I had hit a couple points in that year that were lightbulb moments for me. We were friends, roommates but that was it. He was who he always had been and I either was needing to accept things the way there were or leave. I tried to get him to do IC, MC, I tried to talk about some of my needs (for yers),etc and he did not want to. He is a great man but we had definitely drifted apart and when I made love to another man I knew that my marriage was done. For me to be able to do that, well it was over. We had been together for 14 years but it was done.

 

I decided not to tell him about the affair as that was not why I left. I left because my marriage was dead. And there will be many who will disagree with me, but I did not want him to feel the hurt of an affair on top of my leaving. So we separated and divorce and I have, for a second, doubted my decision. He deserved someone to love him the way he deserves and I did not. Believe it or not, we are very amicable and I do have a lot of respect for him. He is an amazing man and will make a woman very happy. So we have evolved into a very nice friendship, he has a girlfriend that he is living with and I think things are very serious. I am very happy for him!

 

But I know that is not the norm.

 

My MM's story is more the norm. They were roommates, together for the kids, living separate lives. He planned on leaving, was getting the finances in order, and when he started discussing divorce, she started digging and we had a dday. All hell broke loose, I broke up with him, and he left the marriage. They are divorcing. There is a lot of angst, pain and confusion on his end.

 

I cannot tell someone how to end their marriage, I believe mine was low key because I had been "prepping' for it for a long time. I exhausted every avenue and so when we started talking divorce it was sad but not surprising.

 

So my advice, you don't want to regret your decision, especially with kids, so make sure you are 100% behind it as it is the best thing for you and your family. Doing it for someone else is a hollow reason and you do own it to yourself and your children.

[fooled once]

divorce because you don't want to be in the marriage; not because you have a guy on the side.

 

Quite frankly, if you both are serious, then each of you tell your spouses of your decision and each of you move towards divorce.

 

AFTER you both divorce, then call and find out if you want to try to DATE; not rush into living together.

 

Each of you need to find out who you are outside of your marriages. Each of you will have your own 'baggage' per say and you can get things settled with your divorces, visitation, etc.

 

Would you still want to divorce if there was no guy waiting in the wings?

[elmeepo09]

my bf's dad cheated on his mom an they were married for 20 yrs. Even though he went to be with that woman that he cheated with, he still comes around his ex wife and u can tell that he regrets leaving her the grass isnt always greener in my opinion u guys should try taking up a hobby together like dancing and try to reconnect because obviously u married him for a reason i think after so long the flame is running out but im sure u guys can rekindle it.Hope for the best.

[crazycatlady]

In Crisis - would you rather have more passion and excitement with your H or with MM - keeping in mind that MM is only a possibility, though for that matter so is H. But if you could get things back to the way they were in the beginning with your H, would that be your prefered outcome? If that isn't your preferred outcome, then I would start prepping for a divorce.

 

Life is too short to be unhappy for long periods of time. And if you are unhappy, then maybe its time. But like everyone else, being alone for a while, is a good thing. And don't expect MM to follow along, they don't ever seem to (they have in some cases though).

 

Kids are fine as long as both parties take care not to use the kids as weapons against each other. Are fair, and kind to one another. It matters more how the divorce is handled I think then if divorced happens that affects the kids.

 

Good luck whatever you do decide.

 

CCL

[In Crisis Now]

Thank you all for your responses. A lot of it is hard to hear, but I know that it is coming from an objective place and a place of truth.

 

I talked to my H tonight and he is reluctantly agreeing to go to marriage counseling -- he really does not see that much is wrong with our marriage. That alone makes me think that it really is dead. I think I'm going to go to a counselor too. It can't hurt. I'm hoping our insurance lets us do both at the same time.

 

I'm not ready to tell my husband about the affair. And I know you're right about needing to not talk to my married man while I work on my marriage. That is going to be incredibly hard, but I know it's what I should do. How do I do that, though? How do you say goodbye to someone that you're so in love with?

 

Fallen Angel, you make an interesting point about the kids. I guess I always assumed that divorcing when they're older is better.

 

WhichWay, I do love my husband. And I do owe it to my kids to try. I would do anything for them. This should be top of the list.