Got it Posted January 21, 2010 Share Posted January 21, 2010 ICN, you believe whatever you wanted to believe like OP said....at the end of the day i loose nothing over it... got it, your parents know, your friends know about the affair but not your EXH (unless he is living in other part of the world),tell this to 2nd grade student he might believe... and the person who is talking about Black and White thing....you can see entire rainbow,vibgyor at one shot if you wanted to..that is what makes you the person who you are... you can love 100 guys at one time,but when the decision time comes it is your used,dirty,trash H(good) has to pay the price for being good...i will not object on how many guys you are going to love or whatever you feel...let this guy know that you are in love with 99 guys so at least he could make his decision and live his life huh..sorry, you are a cheater,telling the truth is against the norms of a cheater scorpmale - I don't even understand your post. What are you talking about. Listen you can believe what you want. What I am telling you is people in my world know the facts. That does not mean that my EX husband is any longer in the same circle. Nor does it mean that if there is crossing of paths it would be said. I have no idea the rest of your posting though you are very myopic on how you are classifying "good" and "bad". You know nothing about myself or my ex husband to classify anyone. And what decision would my EX husband need to make? All the decisions have been made. We are divorced, property divided, etc. My ex husband is not used, dirty or trash. Why would that be? How could that be? My affair is not a reflection on his (self) worth. Let me repeat that. . . my affair is not a reflection on his worth. It must be lovely to see life so simply black and white. In no way am I excusing the lies told in my affair, but there is so much more to people than that last statement. It is a false statement that paints a very broad brush over most people. Humans are much more complex than you give them credit. Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted January 21, 2010 Share Posted January 21, 2010 samantha, you believe whatever feels good for you....you defend them because you have done the same(for not telling the truth)... you seem to learned alot from your mistakes ...ha,ha,ha(cheaters,be comfortable till you get busted by your H) "won't it be wonderful when we are perfect!!!!!!!!!!!!! " no, i am not a saint,but i wont do it when i already know it's a mistake or wrong "None of us here are proud of having an affair" it's not about whether you are proud of what you have done or not....it's about telling the truth.... "If you cheat, don't tell" doesn't mean that ,you could stop me from knowing the truth(it's better don't cheat) Yawn . . . how cute, one relationship that was barely over a year. Well in the great words of SNL, "isn't that special!?!" Link to post Share on other sites
HappyAtLast Posted January 21, 2010 Share Posted January 21, 2010 (edited) I myself am more interested in why this Scorpmale person (who has told us that he is in india) is awake and posting on a forum for "other persons" at 4:30 in the morning? I find that quite odd indeed. Perhaps he works at a call center and is posting while he ought to be working? Edited January 21, 2010 by HappyAtLast Link to post Share on other sites
Author In Crisis Now Posted January 22, 2010 Author Share Posted January 22, 2010 Thanks Nowheretohide. I have put a few of them on ignore. About my situation, I spoke to my married man today. I started to break down and told him that I need to work on my marriage and we ended up on the phone for an hour, both crying, both devastated. I feel like my world has collapsed around me. I hate this. The pain I'm feeling is horrible. It is worse than anything I have ever experienced. To be honest, I just don't know if I can stop talking to him. I am so in love with him (yes LOVE for those that believe that I am just being delusional). I was starting to imagine my life with him, so this is really hard for me. I am going to put my focus on my marriage and my family. But to be honest, I am not sure if I am doing the right thing. My husband is a good man, but I am not sure he even loves me at this point. I guess it's time I find out. And if I do leave my marriage I will do it at least knowing that I tried. And I will be alone, ready to figure myself out. Link to post Share on other sites
scorpmale009 Posted January 22, 2010 Share Posted January 22, 2010 LD, yes, i don't really belong here...i am here because one of the poster needed advise on snooping that's what my first post was(keylogger)...and whats there to stir up, when you(whoever replied to me) already pretty much fcked up... i really do not have to do anything to get you guys flamed up(you just identify yourself with whatever i write ) " including this jackass Scorp Male" see, she already ignored me....ha,ha HAL, yes, i am from India now i am here in Mexico (Guadalajara) its 6:30pm here and why can't i post at 4:30 am even if i am in india .... no, i don't work for a freaking call center, with ORACLE as a data architect "he ought to be working" would you do my job if i don't do it and don't worry about my job , even if i wanted to leave they won't leave me... Link to post Share on other sites
fooled once Posted January 22, 2010 Share Posted January 22, 2010 Let's remember --- this is an open forum and people are allowed to post here. You don't have to be an OW/OM to post. If you don't like the advice/words, instead of starting the "must be nice to be perfect" (which is just a silly thing to say because there isn't a soul on this earth that is perfect and these kinds of statement only incite things) or the "why are you posting here" comments - IGNORE THEM. We are all adults -- we aren't in a school yard and there is no need to start with the perfect comments or holier than thou comments and telling people they aren't allowed to be here. IGNORE them. Take what you need and leave the rest. Weed out advice and let's stop the name calling, the defensiveness, the automatic judgment of others if you don't like their advice. Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted January 22, 2010 Share Posted January 22, 2010 In Crisis - I do agree that you do need to figure out what to do and focusing on the state of your marriage is important. You have to know that you have done everything you could before you leave. It will lessen any guilt or second thoughts. But absolutely, beyond a shadow of a doubt, you leaving should have NOTHING to do with TOM. You shouldn't leave for another person, you should leave for you. Good luck to you. Link to post Share on other sites
HappyAtLast Posted January 22, 2010 Share Posted January 22, 2010 Young man, Oracle data architects are a dime a dozen. Link to post Share on other sites
scorpmale009 Posted January 22, 2010 Share Posted January 22, 2010 (edited) oh...how many you know, we need more than a dozen here...if it is so why would i be here in Mexico,i would have been in India....you mean to say oracle can't find a guy with 1500$ a day in Mexico....let me know if you have any(i will drop my email next time ) and how can there be dime a dozen, when the product itself was released in 2009(besides ramp up customers)...there are hardly 500 certified ones (150 from oracle product development team, and i am one among them) Edited January 22, 2010 by scorpmale009 Link to post Share on other sites
HappyAtLast Posted January 22, 2010 Share Posted January 22, 2010 I apologize for my last remark, it was unkind. But, you and I both know that Oracle developers are not that difficult to find. Either way, I wish you well. Link to post Share on other sites
Passion4Life Posted January 22, 2010 Share Posted January 22, 2010 Thanks Nowheretohide. I have put a few of them on ignore. About my situation, I spoke to my married man today. I started to break down and told him that I need to work on my marriage and we ended up on the phone for an hour, both crying, both devastated. I feel like my world has collapsed around me. I hate this. The pain I'm feeling is horrible. It is worse than anything I have ever experienced. To be honest, I just don't know if I can stop talking to him. I am so in love with him (yes LOVE for those that believe that I am just being delusional). I was starting to imagine my life with him, so this is really hard for me. I am going to put my focus on my marriage and my family. But to be honest, I am not sure if I am doing the right thing. My husband is a good man, but I am not sure he even loves me at this point. I guess it's time I find out. And if I do leave my marriage I will do it at least knowing that I tried. And I will be alone, ready to figure myself out. needs genuine effort ... not just " I will try .." best of luck Link to post Share on other sites
WhereToGoFromHere Posted January 22, 2010 Share Posted January 22, 2010 NP, again you have some preconceived notion about oracle developers....it's oracle ERP pacakage(oracle fusion...complete product is not released yet)... the end product of all acquisitions and mergers from all major erp players(hyperion,crystal reports,siebel,peoplesoft and many) is oracle fusion(it's not a DB,it's a ERP)... Nobody cares here. You make $150k/year and you need 2M for your own software company. Let me see, so if you don't spend any of your money for the next 14 years you will have more than enough. At that time you will be 39 or so, right? You are career oriented and that is the most important thing to you. Love doesn't matter because money is what floats your boat. So tell us again, why are you here? Love doesn't matter to you. Link to post Share on other sites
silverfish Posted January 23, 2010 Share Posted January 23, 2010 I would say, you are not ready to leave your marriage if you are afraid of living alone if things with the MM don't work out. If you are willing to live alone indefinitely - no matter what happens with the MM - then it's time to consider leaving the marriage. But if you feel you would be making a horrible mistake, messing up your kid's "for nothing", if MM walks away sooner or later, then you are not ready; you have not emotionally prepared to leave the marriage. My story is very similar to yours EXCEPT there is no MM waiting in the wings. And, I will be going through a trial separation. I'm not afraid of living "alone" though. I would rather live true to myself and alone than together in marriage but feeling like I'm living in a "lie" -- the lie of pretending to be happily married. I agree with this post. Its very difficult to walk away when you have nothing to go to..but if things are THAT bad, then if you are strong enough then you will. You cant possibly go to MC if your husband doesnt know about the affair. How could you possibly have an honest and open discussion about how you both feel if that is left unsaid? Its not impossible to work it out though. You might find that if you are on your own your AP doesnt turn out to be the great white hope after all..tell your H the truth, if you love him and respect him, you have to. He'll probably find out anyway at some point Link to post Share on other sites
Samantha0905 Posted January 23, 2010 Share Posted January 23, 2010 And for what it's worth OP, I do think you can find marriage counseling beneficial without telling your husband about the affair. Link to post Share on other sites
lovinmylife Posted January 23, 2010 Share Posted January 23, 2010 hi incrisisnow, i understand that you feel that he would be ready and willing to leave his family. but being that he is a guy, you should make sure that he is not just saying to you because he knows that you, too, are married and are not ready to be fully with him at this second. a lot of people say things because they are comfortable in a situation. the truth comes out when he is forced to choose. for example, let's say you did divorce. it could go either way. there's a good chance that he may say "oh sh*t, she's available and i was just bull sh*tting". ya know Link to post Share on other sites
Samantha0905 Posted January 23, 2010 Share Posted January 23, 2010 What's the point of MC without the truth? I think it's more important to work on the issues that were present leading to the discontent/affair -- there are obviously relationship issues present if an affair is occurring. Or, perhaps the cheater needs IC for personal issues. In any event, if the intent is to repair the marriage (and the cheater has gone NC) I don't feel all the pain associated with divulging an extra-marital affair is necessary. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted January 23, 2010 Share Posted January 23, 2010 I think it's more important to work on the issues that were present leading to the discontent/affair -- there are obviously relationship issues present if an affair is occurring. Or, perhaps the cheater needs IC for personal issues. In any event, if the intent is to repair the marriage (and the cheater has gone NC) I don't feel all the pain associated with divulging an extra-marital affair is necessary. Sure I get that. No pain....until the A is found out and the person who was lied to comes to believe that their whole marriage was a lie. No marriage can be repaired on a lie. It can only be allowed to lip along on a foundation of deceit. So the pain of exposing an A is nothing compared to the pain of being lied to in order to keep you from making an informed decision about your own life. The WS gets to call all the shots with all the facts. Hardly sounds like a healthy foundation for a good marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 23, 2010 Share Posted January 23, 2010 . Or, perhaps the cheater needs IC for personal issues. In any event, if the intent is to repair the marriage (and the cheater has gone NC) I don't feel all the pain associated with divulging an extra-marital affair is necessary. Let me ask you, does this apply when a MM breaks off the A with his OW too? Will the OW just accept her mistakes as to why the A ended, accept that it's over and move on with her life quietly? Or do you feel the OW has a right to tell MM's wife that he cheated and is a lying scumbag? Or that MM needs to suffer so there's another reason to tell. I agree with Bent completely. Link to post Share on other sites
Samantha0905 Posted January 23, 2010 Share Posted January 23, 2010 Sure I get that. No pain....until the A is found out and the person who was lied to comes to believe that their whole marriage was a lie. No marriage can be repaired on a lie. It can only be allowed to lip along on a foundation of deceit. So the pain of exposing an A is nothing compared to the pain of being lied to in order to keep you from making an informed decision about your own life. The WS gets to call all the shots with all the facts. Hardly sounds like a healthy foundation for a good marriage. You feel differently. We're all products of our experiences and have opinions. Sometimes we agree with others and sometimes we don't. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted January 23, 2010 Share Posted January 23, 2010 You feel differently. We're all products of our experiences and have opinions. Sometimes we agree with others and sometimes we don't. This is very true. Link to post Share on other sites
silverfish Posted January 23, 2010 Share Posted January 23, 2010 I think it's more important to work on the issues that were present leading to the discontent/affair -- there are obviously relationship issues present if an affair is occurring. Or, perhaps the cheater needs IC for personal issues. In any event, if the intent is to repair the marriage (and the cheater has gone NC) I don't feel all the pain associated with divulging an extra-marital affair is necessary. If you don't divulge the affair then how can you you work on the issues that led up to the affair? It makes no sense at all. You would go into MC completely unbalanced. I think an essential part of wanting to repair your marriage if that was the intention, would be to admit to your H / W that you broke your marriage vows, and admit that you were wrong. Then, if they decided they still wanted to go to MC at least you are going from a place of honesty. The marriage could never work without that. Link to post Share on other sites
Samantha0905 Posted January 23, 2010 Share Posted January 23, 2010 Let me ask you, does this apply when a MM breaks off the A with his OW too? Will the OW just accept her mistakes as to why the A ended, accept that it's over and move on with her life quietly? Or do you feel the OW has a right to tell MM's wife that he cheated and is a lying scumbag? Or that MM needs to suffer so there's another reason to tell. I agree with Bent completely. See the above about differing opinions. I think the OW or OM has a right to do whatever she/he would like to do. Each situation is different and when a MP gets involved in an affair with an OW or OM, the chips will fall where they may. It's a unwise decision to have an affair and the scenario you outline is a risk taken. As to what you specifically outlined, I do think the OW was also cheating with the "lying scumbag" -- so they are both at fault and any derogatory name assigned to the cheating spouse by the OW could also be applied to herself. The OW is getting mad at someone for lying to her knowing she entered into a relationship with someone who was lying to their spouse. So, she knowingly entered into a relationship with someone who already proved themselves to be lying and with someone she knew was married. It's hardly an indignant moment for the OW. The concept the MM "needs to suffer" is simply revenge thoughts and as I've said -- a risk taken by the married man if he chooses to cheat on his spouse. Link to post Share on other sites
Samantha0905 Posted January 23, 2010 Share Posted January 23, 2010 If you don't divulge the affair then how can you you work on the issues that led up to the affair? It makes no sense at all. You would go into MC completely unbalanced. I think an essential part of wanting to repair your marriage if that was the intention, would be to admit to your H / W that you broke your marriage vows, and admit that you were wrong. Then, if they decided they still wanted to go to MC at least you are going from a place of honesty. The marriage could never work without that. You can work on the issues by saying you're not happy with the marriage and going to counseling to discuss what the issues are in the marriage with which you're not happy. Both spouses can do that. The affair is something that resulted from either a) communication problems within the marriage between the two parties, and/or b) something lacking in the character of the cheater. If it's (b) and maybe even if the cheater doesn't think it's (b) -- IC seems to be in order to help with that issue. I disagree with you that the marriage can not move forward happily without 100% total honesty -- which you think would include revealing the affair. I don't think it's necessary to inflict the pain. Some people think it's best to tell. Some people don't. This is starting to sound like a candy bar commercial. Link to post Share on other sites
silverfish Posted January 23, 2010 Share Posted January 23, 2010 You can work on the issues by saying you're not happy with the marriage and going to counseling to discuss what the issues are in the marriage with which you're not happy. Both spouses can do that. The affair is something that resulted from either a) communication problems within the marriage between the two parties, and/or b) something lacking in the character of the cheater. If it's (b) and maybe even if the cheater doesn't think it's (b) -- IC seems to be in order to help with that issue. I disagree with you that the marriage can not move forward happily without 100% total honesty -- which you think would include revealing the affair. I don't think it's necessary to inflict the pain. Some people think it's best to tell. Some people don't. This is starting to sound like a candy bar commercial. If it was b) then its not likely that it would be brought up in MC unless the affair was out in the open. The communication issues, fair enough, but surely the communication issues leading up to the affair would not be resolved if there were still communication issues unresolved because one of them was not telling the other the whole story... So whoever is left in the dark, not only has to 'work on their communication issues' but also contintues to get lied to? And the one who had the affair lives in fear of being found out at any time, and has to live with the guilt every day, also while 'working on their communication issues'... MC is expensive, emotionally draining and exhausting...why bother to go through all that to end up with no resolution, no chance to move on? Link to post Share on other sites
Samantha0905 Posted January 23, 2010 Share Posted January 23, 2010 If it was b) then its not likely that it would be brought up in MC unless the affair was out in the open. The communication issues, fair enough, but surely the communication issues leading up to the affair would not be resolved if there were still communication issues unresolved because one of them was not telling the other the whole story... So whoever is left in the dark, not only has to 'work on their communication issues' but also contintues to get lied to? And the one who had the affair lives in fear of being found out at any time, and has to live with the guilt every day, also while 'working on their communication issues'... MC is expensive, emotionally draining and exhausting...why bother to go through all that to end up with no resolution, no chance to move on? Well that's a huge assumption on your part -- "no chance to move on." There's no way you are 100% sure that all marriages have eventually failed when there has been an affair committed and not confessed to the BS. I believe the person who committed the affair could very well ask for their forgiveness from God, be forgiven by Him and move forward working on their marriage and the marriage actually could end up happy and last. Link to post Share on other sites
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