Impossible Choice

[silverfish]

Well that's a huge assumption on your part -- "no chance to move on." There's no way you are 100% sure that all marriages have eventually failed when there has been an affair committed and not confessed to the BS. I believe the person who committed the affair could very well ask for their forgiveness from God, be forgiven by Him and move forward working on their marriage and the marriage actually could end up happy and last.

 

I meant move on (or in your words, forward) with their lives, together or apart, whatever the decision is from a place of truth and honesty. Of course a marriage can survive an affair....if you give the other person the opportunity to forgive you by being honest with them, then its possible to move on from it, as I said before

[Samantha0905]

I meant move on (or in your words, forward) with their lives, together or apart, whatever the decision is from a place of truth and honesty. Of course a marriage can survive an affair....if you give the other person the opportunity to forgive you by being honest with them, then its possible to move on from it, as I said before

 

And I don't think confessing the affair to one's spouse is necessary in all cases -- as I said before.

[silverfish]

And I don't think confessing the affair to one's spouse is necessary in all cases -- as I said before.

 

I am interested to know how you think those communication issues leasing up to the affair would be resolved if you still weren't communicating honestly with your partner.

[Samantha0905]

I am interested to know how you think those communication issues leasing up to the affair would be resolved if you still weren't communicating honestly with your partner.

 

I don't want to veer this thread off topic any more. I went back to read the original post and this has definitely veered.

 

I think the couple could go to counseling and learn to communicate with each other better if there is a true desire to have a happier marriage. I sincerely don't see how throwing all that hurt into the mix would be productive or necessary. An affair is a selfish act. It would seem doubly selfish to tell a spouse something that will break their heart if it is no longer going on and if the desire is to work on the marriage. People make huge mistakes sometimes. It seems assumed by some here (just in general) the CS hasn't "suffered" or "faced consequences" if they don't confess. I know that's not true in my case. There's no way in Hell I'm going out of my way to do more damage.

 

Now, I suppose the OP would appreciate this thread getting back on topic.

[pureinheart]

samantha,

 

you believe whatever feels good for you....you defend them because you have done the same(for not telling the truth)...

you seem to learned alot from your mistakes ...ha,ha,ha(cheaters,be comfortable till you get busted by your H)

 

"won't it be wonderful when we are perfect!!!!!!!!!!!!! "

no, i am not a saint,but i wont do it when i already know it's a mistake or wrong

 

"None of us here are proud of having an affair"

it's not about whether you are proud of what you have done or not....it's about telling the truth....

 

"If you cheat, don't tell"

doesn't mean that ,you could stop me from knowing the truth(it's better don't cheat)

 

Scorp, that is like way cool, I wish I could do things better, although I try, and I think everyone else does too....go for it dude,,,if you can do it better pave the way for the way for the rest of us, and not being sarcastic at all...I do believe your heart is in the right place....I really like you!

[pureinheart]

Let's remember --- this is an open forum and people are allowed to post here.

 

You don't have to be an OW/OM to post.

 

If you don't like the advice/words, instead of starting the "must be nice to be perfect" (which is just a silly thing to say because there isn't a soul on this earth that is perfect and these kinds of statement only incite things) or the "why are you posting here" comments - IGNORE THEM.

 

We are all adults -- we aren't in a school yard and there is no need to start with the perfect comments or holier than thou comments and telling people they aren't allowed to be here.

 

 

IGNORE them.

 

Take what you need and leave the rest. Weed out advice and let's stop the name calling, the defensiveness, the automatic judgment of others if you don't like their advice.

 

Seems as if your own advice would do you well....Scorp, I think is cool, for some reason I like him....so chill

[silverfish]

This is my first post here... I've been lurking for some time and think it might be time for me to try and get some advice.

 

I am married with kids and I've fallen in love with a married man (he has kids too). When I say that I've fallen in love, I mean that this man is everything I thought I would never find. He is my match in so many ways. There is so much love and passion and joy.

 

My marriage isn't horrible and my husband is a good man. He is a great father and a good provider. We've been married for 15 years and we are like roommates. We take care of the kids, work, make sure life is running okay. Sex is good, no complaints. We just never connect, hardly talk, don't pay attention to one another. In a way, everything just feels dead, and it has for a long time.

 

So, if the marriage feels dead, when do you know you should leave? Do I stick around for my kids? Has anyone ever regretted leaving?

 

Well, this was the question originally asked by the OP, and I think the communication issue is very relevant to her situation. She's having an affair and is thinking about leaving. Later she says she wants to go to MC with her H to try and work things out.

 

What I'm trying to say is that in my experience, it won't work in MC unless she is honest with him about what is really going on. The marriage is a bit stale / dead but and there are communication issues obviously. BUT her state of mind and ability to deal with this is very different now she is involved and in love with another man....

 

Ok, even if she ended it, and was able to lock all that away inside her, pretend it never happened and go to MC with her husband, she would always know that she had the A and it would eat away at her. If they fell in love with eachother all over again, and went on to have a happy marriage for the rest of their lives, she would always have that guilt inside her and she would never be able to talk about it.

 

Added to that, there is a chance that he will found out anyway and would then leave her for lying to him and proving herself untrustworthy. He would probably say something like it hurt more to be lied to for so long...because it does. I saw my mother continually lied to when I was growing up, and I've seen my sister and her H survive a 2 year seperation caused by his affair with my sisters BF.

 

I do know that it can work because it has for my sister and her H...so far. He was honest with her though, and I know it made a huge difference!

I don't think anyone is going to hell or should be punished because I'm not a christian....I just believe in karma and what goes around comes around. Treat people how you would like to be treated yourself...thats all.

 

If the OPs H decides to end it once he's found out and goes on to meet someone else THATS when the OP might realise that she does actually love him and wants to make it work...seen it happen time & time again. Amazing how a little competition can sharpen the mind!

 

For the OP though....your concern about your children shuold not get in the way here. I know it's difficult, but they will be ok as long as everyone ends up happy and true to themselves however it all ends up.

[Samantha0905]

I'm glad your sister's experience with MC has been productive. I find it interesting how many people think something will "eat away at a person" for life. Yes, we all have a conscience -- but perhaps God has forgiven the person and over time they learn to forgive themselves -- all without hurting the spouse with information he/she doesn't need to know.

 

And I didn't mean the communication issue itself wasn't relative. It seemed we were getting off on a tangent as to my thoughts on the matter as opposed to focusing on the OP's original post.

 

My marriage isn't horrible and my husband is a good man. He is a great father and a good provider. We've been married for 15 years and we are like roommates. We take care of the kids, work, make sure life is running okay. Sex is good, no complaints. We just never connect, hardly talk, don't pay attention to one another. In a way, everything just feels dead, and it has for a long time.

 

So, if the marriage feels dead, when do you know you should leave? Do I stick around for my kids? Has anyone ever regretted leaving?

 

You say you have a good man for a husband, who is a good provider and a great father. You've been married 15 years and have children -- that's a lot of history. Sex is good. So, basically you're lonely due to the communication/intimacy issues? The AP is providing "excitement" to your life. It seems you have so many pluses in your marriage, you would be willing to work on it. Why not try marriage counseling? Surely your marriage is worth trying to salvage.

 

It gets so much more difficult once you let someone else in and it will be difficult to let that person go. Maybe you should try IC to work through that, then move on to marriage counseling.

 

I hope things go well for you......

[comj49]

As a man in the position of your husband, I think I can give you some perspective. My wife felt EXACTLY like you did. Our marriage was good, but we were just disconnected. She decided to seperate so she could live the single life and feel the same feelings you are for the MM. She has since had affairs, and is "having fun" while I am here totally heartbroken, wondering what happened.

 

The one thing i can say is that if you husband is like me, he doesn't know how serious you are about leaving. You need to be brutually honest with him. Tell him you are ready to leave him if things stay the way they are!! You need to hit him over the head!!! NOW!! I think my wife thought the exact same thing you are, that he will never change, that's who he is. Well, i can tell you i have changed sooo much over the last 2 months. I quickly realized what my part was in the breakdown of the marriage, and have sworn to fix them, for her or my next relationship. Your husband might not have the same turnaround, but I think you owe it to find out.

 

I believe like alot of people on here that you need to end it with the MM. If you want to make an effort to fix the marriage, the MM will make it 3X harder. You won't be able to put your H first if your talking to someone else. Just my opinion, but don't give a half hearted effort just to say you tried. My wife says she tried, but kept the depth of her feelings bottled up until she snapped. If I would have known it would have led to this, my reactions would have been much different. Give your H a fighting chance, you might be surprised at the results.

[Passion4Life]

As a man in the position of your husband, I think I can give you some perspective. My wife felt EXACTLY like you did. Our marriage was good, but we were just disconnected. She decided to seperate so she could live the single life and feel the same feelings you are for the MM. She has since had affairs, and is "having fun" while I am here totally heartbroken, wondering what happened.

 

The one thing i can say is that if you husband is like me, he doesn't know how serious you are about leaving. You need to be brutually honest with him. Tell him you are ready to leave him if things stay the way they are!! You need to hit him over the head!!! NOW!! I think my wife thought the exact same thing you are, that he will never change, that's who he is. Well, i can tell you i have changed sooo much over the last 2 months. I quickly realized what my part was in the breakdown of the marriage, and have sworn to fix them, for her or my next relationship. Your husband might not have the same turnaround, but I think you owe it to find out.

 

I believe like alot of people on here that you need to end it with the MM. If you want to make an effort to fix the marriage, the MM will make it 3X harder. You won't be able to put your H first if your talking to someone else. Just my opinion, but don't give a half hearted effort just to say you tried. My wife says she tried, but kept the depth of her feelings bottled up until she snapped. If I would have known it would have led to this, my reactions would have been much different. Give your H a fighting chance, you might be surprised at the results.

 

i dont think she wants to put her husband first .

[pureinheart]

And I don't think confessing the affair to one's spouse is necessary in all cases -- as I said before.

 

Samantha, I couldn't agree more. Every situation is different, it depends on that.

 

This is a general overview, not speaking of any one poster in particular, or organization, whatever...meaning if ya don't like what I say, don't take it personal, but if you do take it personal, it just "might" apply to you.

 

It seems as if the "S" wants the truth (as if they never told a lie)...in these cases they will "deceive" to get the "truth"....interesting....at any cost get the "truth", no matter who it hurts.

 

It seems as if some peoples lives are so wrapped up in the OP or S, almost to the point that their very life depends on that person in one way or another, it's a wonder there are as many M's as there are.

 

This morning I found "why" this R was so hard to get over or at one time so hard to walk away from...it is because I lost me in them.

 

Your S, SO, W, H, whatever WILL hurt you, they WILL lie to you at some point. Your partner will fail you at some point....in fact EVERYONE will fail you....try not to wrap your whole being up in them...have your own life.

 

We get so shocked when someone deceives us...guess what we deceive too and if you think you don't, you are being deceptive right now.

[pureinheart]

Let me ask you, does this apply when a MM breaks off the A with his OW too? Will the OW just accept her mistakes as to why the A ended, accept that it's over and move on with her life quietly? Yes (my opinion), this would be the proper way to handle it.

 

 

Or do you feel the OW has a right to tell MM's wife that he cheated and is a lying scumbag? Or that MM needs to suffer so there's another reason to tell. No, no one is a scumbag.

 

I agree with Bent completely.

 

Everyone seems to want justice, in this life it may or may not happen. The way to "get justice" is to move on and do the best you can with what you have. Hanging on to hatred and resentment only hurts the individual operating in it.

 

Life is way too short...let it go...