Impossible Choice

[WhereToGoFromHere]

 

I'm not ready to tell my husband about the affair. And I know you're right about needing to not talk to my married man while I work on my marriage. That is going to be incredibly hard, but I know it's what I should do. How do I do that, though? How do you say goodbye to someone that you're so in love with?

 

Fallen Angel, you make an interesting point about the kids. I guess I always assumed that divorcing when they're older is better.

 

WhichWay, I do love my husband. And I do owe it to my kids to try. I would do anything for them. This should be top of the list.

 

ICN,

 

I'm where you are. I've done MC, IC, and some if it does help, if you can be completely honest with the counselor. NC is the really hard part. Its torture. How can you say goodbye to someone you love so much? If the MM really loves you, he will understand what you're trying to do and accept it. He might realize that he should give his M one final try too.

 

I would understand the hesitation about telling your H about the A. That would be hard. My W knows about mine because we were caught. I don't know if I would've told her had that not happened. I don't blame you.

 

I truly hope that all of this turns out the way you want.

[pureinheart]

Hey Welcome....

 

What I would say is do not leave your M in the hopes of connecting/getting together with OM/MM. Only leave your M because the M itself is not working, not of God to begin with. If there is a chance to save the M try that first...good luck to you!

[whichwayisup]

I talked to my H tonight and he is reluctantly agreeing to go to marriage counseling -- he really does not see that much is wrong with our marriage. That alone makes me think that it really is dead.

 

No, not dead. Your H, just like you, have let life get in the way and he has become OK with the status quo of not having to put in effort to keep the marriage happy and spiced up. You BOTH have communication problems..

 

Trust me, if you told your H, 'I am so unhappy, that I went out and now am having an affair' IT WOULD wake him up and he WOULD react. Then he would know just how introuble the marriage is in.

 

It isn't dead because neither of you have bothered to work together and make efforts to go on date nights again.. Get a sitter or drop the kids off at the grandparents so you two can have alone time. Neither of you have spent quality time with eachother as a loving couple. Seems it's mom and dad, roommates under one roof.

 

You love him, want to keep your family together - DUMP MM and go NC, focus on your H and find those intimate feelings for him..They ARE there, just buried due resentment build up, letting yourself detach, and become TOO attached to your MM.

[skylarblue]

I think you have two separate issues to deal with. The first is whether to stay in your M or not. Only you can decide when you should leave. You say your marriage isn't horrible and your husband is a good man. I would think that’d be a good foundation to build from and possible with the right guidance to correct the disconnection the two of you seem to have. I’ve never been one to advocate stick[ing] around for [the] kids. Even if the M appears to be good, what kind of hurt would that be or message would it send if the children became aware of the A. And then how long do you keep up the charade for the children? And your decision to stay or leave should absolutely be independent of your MM, your feelings for him, or his plans. Your second issue is whether or not you willing to get deal with all that comes along with seeing a MM. Statically, chances are he will not leave his W whether you do or do not leave your H. Could you really be happy with being the OW?...It does bother me (as I just read as I was ready to post) that your H is reluctantly agreeing to go to marriage counseling -- he really does not see that much is wrong with our marriage. “That alone makes me think that it really is dead” was my immediate reaction to his reaction. But some people really can’t see a problem until someone “outside of the problem” really points it out to them. Some are then willing to accept and see it. I don’t know if that’ll apply in your H’s case, but if he is willing though reluctantly to go there is still a chance.

[Zarah]

I know how hard it is to not act on strong feelings. Feeling passion and love for someone can be the hardest things to ignore especially when they have been missing from your life. I honestly think you should work on your marriage. It sounds to me like your husband is generally a good guy even though the passion may have dwindled. What will this new man be like once your passion for each other lessens? How would you feel if your husband gave up on your marriage or left you for someone who he feels more passion for? It says a lot about him that he is willing to go to counseling at all! He seems to be listening to your concerns about your marriage and willing to work on it. Even after all these years he wants to make you happy - or at least give it a try. Once you make your mind up that your marriage is not working it will be harder to fix it - so try to be optimistic about it. I really don't want you ending up alone because the MM doesn't follow through and your husband wont take you back.

[scorpmale009]

ICN,

 

i don't think you were unhappy in ur M, since you already convinced urself that you were/are unhappy...why don't you tell him(h) about affair, let him make his decision...

 

you are going to MC(very interesting)...whats the point in it,when you are not going to be honest over there.

 

if your good H gets deal with this S***, what about the bad ones(your MM)(whts the point in being a good H)

[scorpmale009]

gotit,

 

the friendship thing, is actually helping you not him ,you do not want to loose any money over this...if your EXH known about it, he woundn't have provided the comfort that you are enjoying today, that makes you pure user and opportunist.

 

please do not mask it with "i do not want to hurt him anymore"...if you would have cared you wouldn't have had an affair....it's all about money...plain and simple.

[lori22]

I left my M because i was in love with MM and he also told me he was in love with me and was going to leave his M.When i was with him I felt so much passion and love just his touch made me feel chills all over.Well i stuck to my end of the deal and D my H and MM NEVER stuck to his he dumped my and is with his W to this day.

[kmm111]

I don't have any advice for you but I am going thru the exact same thing right now, except for the fact that I've only known my husband 6 yrs and we do not have any kids. The MM does have kids though.

 

I know he and I are going to have to make a decision one day and this weighs on my mind every single day. But I feel that what I have with this other man is too good to walk away from. The communication and openess we share is more than I ever have shared with my husband. I honestly wouldn't even feel comfortable talking to my husband about many of the things the other man and I talk about.

 

Anyway, if you want to talk, just send me a private message or reply to this thread. I know how tough this is.

[Got it]

gotit,

 

the friendship thing, is actually helping you not him ,you do not want to loose any money over this...if your EXH known about it, he woundn't have provided the comfort that you are enjoying today, that makes you pure user and opportunist.

 

please do not mask it with "i do not want to hurt him anymore"...if you would have cared you wouldn't have had an affair....it's all about money...plain and simple.

 

Really? Why do you say that? What money? You are assuming that I am getting money in this. That is quite presumptious of you.

 

Thank you but no. We made equal amounts, both in the six figures, and we both walked away with what we brought in. Nothing more, nothing less. There is no money for me to lose. There is nothing I would be required to pay more on, nor is he required to pay me on anything.

 

But that is a nice thought, thank you. I can tell you even if it had been needed I would not have asked for it. And yes due to the fairness of why I was leaving. But since that wasn't the case, it was a matter of just setting him "free".

 

At that point, when everything comes out in the wash, why tell that information? What would that have done? It doesn't change the fact that I still left. The door is most definitely not open to go back (either way) and for him, his view is we ended because it had become roommates and nothing more which is true. He hasn't railed against that, he hasn't asked questions, he didn't try and "fight" for more.

 

If the action is the same, why tell all?

[Snowflower]

 

My marriage isn't horrible and my husband is a good man.

 

My marriage has been bad for a long time. I have asked my husband for what I need, many times.

 

 

To be fair, my marriage was bad before my affair. My affair did not make my marriage bad. I am not viewing my marriage or my husband through an "affair fog" when I say that.

 

ICN, I'm a little confused by what you are saying by these contradictory statements about your marriage and your husband.

 

Is your marriage bad or not? Is your husband the right person for you or not? These are things you need to explore in IC, on your own, without the influence of the affair.

 

For your own sake, go NC with your MM while you figure these things out.

[Fallen Angel]

ICN, I'm a little confused by what you are saying by these contradictory statements about your marriage and your husband.

 

Is your marriage bad or not? Is your husband the right person for you or not? These are things you need to explore in IC, on your own, without the influence of the affair.

 

For your own sake, go NC with your MM while you figure these things out.

 

I don't think what she said was contradictory at all, her husband is a good man, her marriage is not horrible (he doesn't abuse her, isn't a drug addict etc...) but her marriage is unhappy therefore 'bad'. She feels disconnected from her husband, and asking him to meet her emotional needs hasn't helped, that is not HORRBILE, but it is certainly not IDEAL!!

[Snowflower]

I hope the OP will come back and explain further what she feels about her husband and marriage.

 

Confusion seems to be a common emotion in affairs. IMO, the contradictory statements reflect this confusion.

 

ICN, I hope you're doing okay!

[2sure]

Just a thought.

 

We all know from reading here , our own experiences etc. that sometimes a crisis like infidelity ends up improving the marriage. Its not hard to figure that out - the crisis makes each partner wake up, realize that they are this close to losing what they have, force them to reevaluate their lives and often brings about a reconciliation based on better communication and intimacy. A renewal if you will.

 

Wouldnt it be nice if we could get there, have the same results, but without the crisis??? But that just really isnt possible, its a do or die crisis that has to be the catalyst.

 

So, you might consider changing this particularly damaging and confusing crisis to one that might ultimately make everyone happier or less hurt:

 

Stop the Affair. Tell your H you want a divorce and why. File.

See what happens. Filing in reality is just paperwork you know.

 

By the way - if your MM tells you he has no intention of changing his circumstance would you still change yours?

[In Crisis Now]

Wow! Thanks to everyone that replied (except for Scorp Male, not sure what you even said).

 

As far as my feelings about my marriage, I think Fallen Angel summed it up exactly. My marriage is not horrible -- there is no abuse, he isn't mean, there's no drug use. It is really just emotionally dead. And that's what I mean that it's been bad for a very long time. Neither one of us is happy, although I think my husband would go on forever like this as he does not appear to need an emotional connection like I do.

 

I called around to some marriage counselors today. I think I found one that will work and we may even be able to start next week. So on that end, I feel like I am doing something positive.

 

I know that everyone is telling me that in order to do this, I need to go no contact with my married man. And I know that is right. I do. I need to get to a place where I can say goodbye to him. It makes me so sick to my stomach to think I won't talk to him again. This man is my match. I know I need to get there.

 

I am also going to start calling counselors for me. I need to figure out what I want and what is wrong with me. I think it is time.

 

If anyone has any advice as to how to break things off with your married man, it would be greatly appreciated. I'm crying now as I type this because it feels like doing that is going to break me.

[Fallen Angel]

Wow! Thanks to everyone that replied (except for Scorp Male, not sure what you even said).

 

As far as my feelings about my marriage, I think Fallen Angel summed it up exactly. My marriage is not horrible -- there is no abuse, he isn't mean, there's no drug use. It is really just emotionally dead. And that's what I mean that it's been bad for a very long time. Neither one of us is happy, although I think my husband would go on forever like this as he does not appear to need an emotional connection like I do.

 

I called around to some marriage counselors today. I think I found one that will work and we may even be able to start next week. So on that end, I feel like I am doing something positive.

 

I know that everyone is telling me that in order to do this, I need to go no contact with my married man. And I know that is right. I do. I need to get to a place where I can say goodbye to him. It makes me so sick to my stomach to think I won't talk to him again. This man is my match. I know I need to get there.

 

I am also going to start calling counselors for me. I need to figure out what I want and what is wrong with me. I think it is time.

 

If anyone has any advice as to how to break things off with your married man, it would be greatly appreciated. I'm crying now as I type this because it feels like doing that is going to break me.

 

I don't have any advice on how to break it off with your MM..why? Because I do not think that is what you really want to do. I think you do not know what you really want, I think that the reason that you are saying you want to work on your marriage is because most of the people here are telling you it is the "right" thing to do. But that is just their opinion.

 

We do not live your life, none of us can tell you what is best for you, because we are not in it. Personally, I am of the opinion that if you really are in love with your MM, then there is no hope for your marriage, because once you commit to loving someone else, there is something irrevocably broken in your marriage.

 

You will hear from a lot of people here that that simply isn't true, because they have gone back into their marriages after affairs, or taken back wandering spouses after their spouses affair, and they need to believe that they have wonderful perfect marriages again.

 

*shrug* I just personally do not buy it. But again, that is just my opinion.

 

I understand the disconnect, my marriage was a big mess, but I tried for years to convince myself it could be fixed.. thing is, even without the abuse, and drugs and infidelity, my marriage was still broken beyond repair. Because I wasn't in love with him anymore. If I had been, no matter how bad things were, i could have never fallen in love with someone else. Period.

 

If you want to give your marriage a shot, then do so, but do it for the right reasons. because it is what you really want. Not because you think it is what is best for your children, or because you don't want to be 'the bad guy'. Otherwise, you are cheating not only yourself out of a future of possible happiness, with or without MM, but you are also cheating your husband out of future happiness with a woman who will love him and only him forever. Be fair to yourself and your husband, do not drag things on for another five or ten years, if your heart is not really in it, it isn't fair to anyone, in the long run. But that is just MY opinion.

 

P.S. i do think idividual counseling ia a great idea, no matter what you decide in your relationships.

Edited January 19, 2010 by Fallen Angel

[Snowflower]

We do not live your life, none of us can tell you what is best for you, because we are not in it. Personally, I am of the opinion that if you really are in love with your MM, then there is no hope for your marriage, because once you commit to loving someone else, there is something irrevocably broken in your marriage.

 

 

This is good advice, ICN.

 

No one here can make the decision about your marriage and your future except for you. You know your situation best...yourself, your marriage, your life. I am confident you will make the right decision for you.

 

Just take the time to decide without other influences, meaning the A. You need your own clarity to make this life-changing decision. Because no matter what you decide, your life has most likely changed forever. You can't go back (at least not honestly) to the marriage you had pre-affair and you can't continue your marriage without some type of honest resolution.

[Samantha0905]

I felt the same way in my marriage after ten years of marriage -- two small children. We went to counseling and the counselor came to the conclusion that perhaps I was just unhappy with myself and kind of pointed me in the direction of going to college -- which I did. I don't know whether things improved in my marriage, but I felt happier for a while. I was preoccupied and happy with my preoccupation. Now, at 27 years of marriage I still feel distant from my husband, like there is poor communication, a huge lack of intimacy, etc. He is also a good man, responsible and a good father. I have no physical attraction to him.

 

Perhaps there is an ebb and flow to marriage where this occurs. Or perhaps some people are just able to achieve greater intimacy than others.

 

It is a difficult situation for you and I do think the affair is obviously clouding your ability to think rationally about it all. However, it's impossible to make a decision for you in this situation. It's unfortunate in many ways the affair has happened and you and your affair partner are so emotionally attached to one another.

 

If you give up your affair partner to work on your marriage, the two of you may never end up together again. That has to be a scary thought for you. Or you could both end up divorced down the road and end up getting together (unlikely). It really is a bad situation because the only rational decision would be to stay in your marriage and go NC with your affair partner. That's a whole LOT easier said than done once the emotional attachment has developed.

 

If you stay in the affair, you may get caught and everything blow up. If your husband is a nice man, I know that thought must terrify and traumatize you. I know it does me in my situation. I would hate to hurt him in that manner. I absolutely understand you not telling him about the affair. Plus, there are the children to consider. It's a lot.

 

Have you ever thought about your husband being with someone else? I mean, if you split up and end up with your AP, do you think in reality you would be alright with your husband falling in love with someone else? I struggle with that even though I feel no physical attraction to my husband anymore. He's a very handsome man. It's just not there. We've been together a total of 33 years now and it would just feel strange for it not to be that way.

 

I'll be interested to see what you decide.

 

Saying I'm going NC and actually sticking to it are so very different. I don't feel like I'm being much help -- but I am just trying to be honest with you. I have yet to be able to do it completely. I suppose the only successful way to do it is to say it and stick to it. That's rather hard when you feel like you are in love with your AP and your marriage is dead.

 

I hope the individual counseling helps you. I think it's more important than MC in these situations. I'm not real sold on MC after my experience.

[whichwayisup]

Just tell your MM that you need to work on your marriage and it would be best for everyone involved if the A ended immediately. Tell him how you feel, whatever - But make it CLEAR to him that he must respect YOUR choice and respect the NC so you can let go and heal, and focus on your H and marriage.

 

As for the individual counselling, use the same person who is going to do your marriage counselling.

[tigereyes1428]

please do not give up on your marriage for this married man, you need to finish this relationship and put all your energies into your marriage - go to counselling - tell hubby how you feel - please do not wreck 2 homes for this. also would you want to be with someone who can cheat on the mother of his kids?? really and for him to calculatedly agree to stay with her for a few years implies he is someone who can comfortable live a lie which i would not accept. your husband sounds a great guy who does not deserve this - i am not judgin you i am in no position - but can say i would kill to have a husband who was in love with me and wanted to make life work.

you cant concentrate on what needs to be done while this man is in your thoughts - please think about this seriously - you have far too much at stake

[Woggle]

Just dump your husband already so you can persue this man. You know that is what you want to do but be fair and decent in divorce court. Do not delay the inevitable.

[OnlyJake]

This is my first post here... I've been lurking for some time and think it might be time for me to try and get some advice.

 

I am married with kids and I've fallen in love with a married man (he has kids too). When I say that I've fallen in love, I mean that this man is everything I thought I would never find. He is my match in so many ways. There is so much love and passion and joy.

 

My marriage isn't horrible and my husband is a good man. He is a great father and a good provider. We've been married for 15 years and we are like roommates. We take care of the kids, work, make sure life is running okay. Sex is good, no complaints. We just never connect, hardly talk, don't pay attention to one another. In a way, everything just feels dead, and it has for a long time.

 

So, if the marriage feels dead, when do you know you should leave? Do I stick around for my kids? Has anyone ever regretted leaving?

 

You made a commitment, and if you think the marriage feels dead, you're obligated to work on that, not jump ship because someone else seems better.

[scorpmale009]

got it,

thanks for the clarification and

again i would say do not cover it up with "i do not want to hurt him",

 

that comes to "you do not want to be the bad guy...do not want loose friends, family or whatever" over this (apart from it , you neither care nor have any guilt about it)

 

and one more thing...if you are earning 6 figures doesn't mean that you do not need the money...

 

i make 150k$ a year (this is from india) and i am 25...i need 2M$ to start my software firm.

 

you can live with out love,but not with out money.

Edited January 19, 2010 by scorpmale009

[scorpmale009]

icn,

 

i still don't understand wht u r going tell your MC?...is it you are unhappy(do you have any reason other than your affair)

[bittersweet memories]

I left my M because i was in love with MM and he also told me he was in love with me and was going to leave his M.When i was with him I felt so much passion and love just his touch made me feel chills all over.Well i stuck to my end of the deal and D my H and MM NEVER stuck to his he dumped my and is with his W to this day.

 

That sucks..are you in a better place right now? Healed or still healling?