Impossible Choice

[fooled once]

My advice?

 

You tell the MM that you are working on your marriage. That you do care for him, but what you need to do for YOU is to see if there is anything salvageable in your marriage and to do that, you need to focus on your marriage and take the MC seriously.

 

I also think in MC you need to admit to having feelings for someone else.

 

In order to work on YOU and determine if your marriage can be 'changed', you have GOT TO BE HONEST.

 

You have to say goodbye to the MM; if you truly, truly DO want to try and give the marriage a "last shot" - you HAVE to let him go.

 

You can't work on the marriage while screwing someone on the side or by being in contact with him.

[jwi71]

FA is spot on.

 

The ONLY way NC works is if YOU want it. To try an engage in NC when you WANT contact requires superhuman emotional strength which few possess. In short, its a recipe for failure.

 

You have a decision to make and its a patently unfair one. You MUST decide which man you want and NOW. I know what you're thinking: How can I choose? And now? I don't even know how MC went? I haven't had the heart-to-heart with the MM yet? So MANY unknowns....

 

You MUST put 100% of your energy INTO the path you choose. Not 99.99%. 100%. You CAN'T be successful in MC if you DON'T want it. You can't have a healthy R with the OM if the regret, pain and guilt of leaving your H eat at you (and yes, it WILL happen). The ONLY way to avoid it is to choose NOW.

 

It sounds impossible doesn't it?

It damn near is.

 

And if you DON'T choose now...well, limbo-land.

Wondering why MC isn't working. Wondering why your life isn't improving. Always wondering...

 

So decide NOW. Make the 100% effort. And, if its not to be, then you have NO regrets, you tried and it wasn't to be. Not...you kinda tried and it didn't work...don't allow those doubts to exist tomorrow...kill them NOW.

[Got it]

got it,

thanks for the clarification and

again i would say do not cover it up with "i do not want to hurt him",

 

that comes to "you do not want to be the bad guy...do not want loose friends, family or whatever" over this (apart from it , you neither care nor have any guilt about it)

 

and one more thing...if you are earning 6 figures doesn't mean that you do not need the money...

 

i make 150k$ a year (this is from india) and i am 25...i need 2M$ to start my software firm.

 

you can live with out love,but not with out money.

 

Again, you are making assumptions. Firstly that I would lose anything. My family is aware of my affair, they are aware of my continuing relationship with sMM, and are supportive of ME. And my friends, well my friends love me for me and know what I had tried to do with my marriage so were supportive of the separation and supportive of my pursuit of happiness.

 

And let me clarify, no I do not need money. I did not and do not need my (ex) husband for money or anything except his friendship. He is a lovely man that is happier now with his girlfriend than with me. I recognize this. Listen we made a great go at it but by the last year we were so disconnected he was dealing with the worst level of anxiety and OCD tendencies that he ever has. He had always dealt with depression but it was at an all time low.

 

I can tell you know he does not have OCD tendencies, he is much more relaxed, sure of himself, and HAPPY with his life. I fully recognize that while he loved me I DID NOT MAKE HIM HAPPY. Okay? I have known this man since high school, we were each other's first. And I know that I hadn't made this man happy for a very long time. Sure we were comfortable with each other, had a good friendship but we should have ended a long time ago.

 

If I am trying to protect anything it is him as well as, yes, some of his image of us. I do not want the affair to discount what we had, in his eyes. The affair was not a reflection of our relationship other than its death earlier that year. But you are right, I am making a decision for him that he is not privy to knowing. That is okay. I own that, I am aware of that. I have hid little from him but that is one thing that I think is worth the possible reprecussions.

 

he is a great guy, just not for me. And no, if it was known, knowing him he would own it saying it is his fault. If history is any indicator, he would say it was his fault and that isn't the case at all. It was a square peg in a round hole, we just don't work.

 

Believe what you want, I am not here to justify my actions. I own them, I have realistically viewed them, and I am okay with them. I do not regret what I have done. Was it ideal? Absolutely not. But I wouldn't wish that it had any other outcome.

[Fallen Angel]

You know, I have always found it curious on this board that everyone says "you can not make the decision as long as you are in the affair." NO ONE ever says, "you can not make the decision as long as you are in the marriage."

 

You absolutely can make the decision while still involved with both men. If you are out of one of the two relationships how does that make the decision any easier? Then you have one man (your H) present in your life, and one (your MM) who becomes this almost GOD-like figure in your head.

 

Read through all the threads here about the heartbreak and longing people in NC suffer. The men that they love, but at least saw with all their flaws during the affair, suddenly have no flaws, they are like a drink of cold water to a parched man. The only things people in NC tend to remember about their AP is the good things. Sure they will come here occasionally and say what an a$$clown their xAP was. But that is because everyone here is reminding them. But given ten or fifteen free moments of the day, they are in agony again, yearning for the AP.

 

In my opinion, going NC is giving the AP unfair advantage, as he gets to be the romantic hero of your fantasies, while the husband is still there in person with all his flaws and issues showing while he is interacting with you daily.

[Got it]

icn,

 

i still don't understand wht u r going tell your MC?...is it you are unhappy(do you have any reason other than your affair)

 

How myopic of you. I think it is a safe assumption that there are other issues.

 

Contrary to popular belief, most WS (especially women), do so because of the disconnect in their current relationship. Most women do try and change things. That is why it is said that women mourn the relationship while in it, men mourn it afterwards. Women are already processing things well before the men are. Obviously not a hard and fast rule but tends to run true.

[WhereToGoFromHere]

You know, I have always found it curious on this board that everyone says "you can not make the decision as long as you are in the affair." NO ONE ever says, "you can not make the decision as long as you are in the marriage."

 

You absolutely can make the decision while still involved with both men. If you are out of one of the two relationships how does that make the decision any easier? Then you have one man (your H) present in your life, and one (your MM) who becomes this almost GOD-like figure in your head.

 

Read through all the threads here about the heartbreak and longing people in NC suffer. The men that they love, but at least saw with all their flaws during the affair, suddenly have no flaws, they are like a drink of cold water to a parched man. The only things people in NC tend to remember about their AP is the good things. Sure they will come here occasionally and say what an a$$clown their xAP was. But that is because everyone here is reminding them. But given ten or fifteen free moments of the day, they are in agony again, yearning for the AP.

 

In my opinion, going NC is giving the AP unfair advantage, as he gets to be the romantic hero of your fantasies, while the husband is still there in person with all his flaws and issues showing while he is interacting with you daily.

 

Damn... I never thought of it this way. It makes complete sense to me. Thanks for all your posts FA!

[Got it]

I agree with Fallen (OP so sorry for the t/j). If you don't know what you should do then you need to focus on that. What do you want? What do you need? What do you feel is missing in you or your life that is leaving your incomplete?

 

You can do that with two people in your life though it can be hard. You do need to look at why you have gotten to this point. And need to make sure that not being alone isn't your driving desire in all of this.

 

I do not believe in settling as we only go around this world once. What works best FOR YOU? What makes you happy? I think IC is very effective in helping you figure this out.

[Fallen Angel]

How myopic of you. I think it is a safe assumption that there are other issues.

 

Contrary to popular belief, most WS (especially women), do so because of the disconnect in their current relationship. Most women do try and change things. That is why it is said that women mourn the relationship while in it, men mourn it afterwards. Women are already processing things well before the men are. Obviously not a hard and fast rule but tends to run true.

 

Got it,

 

There are some people who are convinced that any married person involved in an affair is only in it for the sex or some other selfish and shallow reason, and can not be made to understand that for some people affairs actually involve the heart, and an intellectual and emotional connection. And they can not understand that just because you are not in love with your spouse anymore doesn't mean that you no longer love them. They live in a black and white world, they do not understand all the nuances of grey.

[Got it]

Got it,

 

There are some people who are convinced that any married person involved in an affair is only in it for the sex or some other selfish and shallow reason, and can not be made to understand that for some people affairs actually involve the heart, and an intellectual and emotional connection. And they can not understand that just because you are not in love with your spouse anymore doesn't mean that you no longer love them. They live in a black and white world, they do not understand all the nuances of grey.

 

Fallen, I am seeing that. It is quite sad and flat view point of the world. But don't get me wrong the sex was and still is out of this world! As is puttering around the house having him teach me out to change the filter in the fridge and chiding me on not switching my vents around for the winter.

[Fallen Angel]

Fallen, I am seeing that. It is quite sad and flat view point of the world. But don't get me wrong the sex was and still is out of this world! As is puttering around the house having him teach me out to change the filter in the fridge and chiding me on not switching my vents around for the winter.

 

LMAO... I understand that completely! My MM and I spend a huge part of our time together just cuddled up (dressed) and talking, laughing, playing games (a favorite is text twist online) LMAO, we are such dorks, we just love each others company... :love:

[bentnotbroken]

Got it,

 

There are some people who are convinced that any married person involved in an affair is only in it for the sex or some other selfish and shallow reason, and can not be made to understand that for some people affairs actually involve the heart, and an intellectual and emotional connection. And they can not understand that just because you are not in love with your spouse anymore doesn't mean that you no longer love them. They live in a black and white world, they do not understand all the nuances of grey.

 

 

And for some of us it isn't we don't understand, it's that we don't need to understand. Allowing feelings to become actions is what got the things all gray anyway. I prefer clarity. I don't know if that is the case for everyone or no one. I don't believe some people are in the A just for the sex. But I do and will always believe it is selfish, why else would you (general you) keep 1 or 2 people living a lie? If it is so right and you love your spouse so much(by the way you can't love someone and completely disrespect them)why look them in the face and lie to them even when they ask for the truth.

 

The kind of love you speak of; "I love you but I am not in love with you so I will lie to you and make a fool of you while I f*c* someone else and give them the emotional commitment that you aren't willing to give your spouse and aren't willing to let your spouse go find somewhere else by telling the truth" I and most people I know would rather not be loved that way. That's a load of dooky that could be used to fertilize some grass or something.

[jwi71]

You can do that with two people in your life though it can be hard. You do need to look at why you have gotten to this point.

 

Trying to fulfill your needs with TWO people ends up with THREE people hurt. And I'll simply say its exponentially so when marriages are involved (and its a logarithmic factor if their are children).

 

And need to make sure that not being alone isn't your driving desire in all of this.

 

I think she has told us very honestly, if accidentally, how she came to be here...lost connection. It appears that MC is on the table and MAYBE they can reconnect...maybe not.

 

Time and EFFORT (and uh NC) will tell...

 

I do not believe in settling as we only go around this world once. What works best FOR YOU? What makes you happy? I think IC is very effective in helping you figure this out.

 

I completely agree with NOT settling.

And the only way to NOT settle is to know thyself:

The good, the bad and the downright ugly.

 

And a good place to start is...IC.

[Lizzie60]

I don't know how old your kids are.. but IMO.. the youngest they are..the easier the separation is for them... or when they are young adults..

 

If you are absolutely sure that your M is dead.. then you need to pack up and leave ... BUT do NOT move with your MM right away... Live alone for a while... go NC just to see if that's really what you want. If he really loves you.. he'll wait and he will understand your need to meditate on all this.

 

You might discover that you cannot live that way.. and that your M wasn't that bad afterall, or you might feel extremely guilty because of the guilt (for your children).. etc.. or that your A with your MM was, in fact, lust and not love.. Just take a break from all this.. and go from there.. IC might help.. although I'm not a big fan of counselling...

 

Hard to say.. but that's what I WOULD DO..

 

Good luck...

[Samantha0905]

 

In my opinion, going NC is giving the AP unfair advantage, as he gets to be the romantic hero of your fantasies, while the husband is still there in person with all his flaws and issues showing while he is interacting with you daily.

 

I agree with you in a lot of ways, but if the NC is maintained 100% then it's less of a problem as that probably ceases to be the case over time. The problem is when you are so emotionally attached to someone maintaining NC 100% is quite a beast to attack.

 

Plus, being in contact with the AP gives the AP an unfair advantage because the time a MP spends with an AP is usually spent in a much more satisfying manner due to the fact the two are just enjoying each other (new and exciting sex, conversation, etc.) and not really dealing with life's responsibilities (bills, children, etc.)

 

How myopic of you. I think it is a safe assumption that there are other issues.

 

Contrary to popular belief, most WS (especially women), do so because of the disconnect in their current relationship. Most women do try and change things. That is why it is said that women mourn the relationship while in it, men mourn it afterwards. Women are already processing things well before the men are. Obviously not a hard and fast rule but tends to run true.

 

Amen to that.

 

Got it,

 

There are some people who are convinced that any married person involved in an affair is only in it for the sex or some other selfish and shallow reason, and can not be made to understand that for some people affairs actually involve the heart, and an intellectual and emotional connection. And they can not understand that just because you are not in love with your spouse anymore doesn't mean that you no longer love them. They live in a black and white world, they do not understand all the nuances of grey.

 

It is selfish, but I do agree with you that someone can love more than one person at one time. I suppose that's why, in order to maintain a marriage, the "for better or worse," and "forsaking all others" parts are included in vows made before God. Unfortunately, people aren't perfect and screw up badly in relationships. It's a choice, however, on the parts of the two involved in the affair and the BS(s) isn't given a part in the decision making even though they are very much a part of the situation. That's pretty unfair.

 

It's too bad marriages get to the point where this type of thing occurs.

[In Crisis Now]

Thank you again to everyone that posted with their heartfelt advice. I can't tell you how good it feels to have this thread and to read everyone's responses.

 

I think I have known for a while that I can't leave my marriage without giving my all to trying to fix what is broken. It's not because I feel guilty, it's not because I'm being swayed by everyone here, it's because I have been with my husband for 15 years. With two kids, I need to try. I also do realize that I can't move on into another relationship with anyone unless I feel that this is completely dead. And that I did everything I could to see if it could work.

 

I will say that right now, I am not optimistic. If anything, I am just plain numb to it all. Like Got It said, I have been processing this for so many years. My husband hasn't listened. Maybe I can get him to hear me this time. Who knows.

 

Working on my marriage actually feels like the "easy" part at this particular moment. It's the going NC with my married man that feels impossible. I absolutely know that I have to do it (although I am processing what Fallen Angel spoke about NC making the married man seem more appealing). I just basically feel lost. But, like JW said, I don't want to be in limbo. I do need to put 100% into whichever course I choose. It's not fair to either man for me to not just choose.

 

I know most of you will not believe me when I say this, but I do believe with all of my heart that my married man will wait for me to figure out what I want. It won't be easy for him, but he will.

 

My husband and I have our first therapy session next week. And I made some calls and I think I will also be starting counseling for myself. At least it's a start.

 

As a side note, I'm new here, but I'm not sure why people like Chrome Barracuda and Scorpion Male are posting on here. It's not helpful at all.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Thank you again to everyone that posted with their heartfelt advice. I can't tell you how good it feels to have this thread and to read everyone's responses.

 

I think I have known for a while that I can't leave my marriage without giving my all to trying to fix what is broken. It's not because I feel guilty, it's not because I'm being swayed by everyone here, it's because I have been with my husband for 15 years. With two kids, I need to try. I also do realize that I can't move on into another relationship with anyone unless I feel that this is completely dead. And that I did everything I could to see if it could work.

 

I will say that right now, I am not optimistic. If anything, I am just plain numb to it all. Like Got It said, I have been processing this for so many years. My husband hasn't listened. Maybe I can get him to hear me this time. Who knows.

 

Working on my marriage actually feels like the "easy" part at this particular moment. It's the going NC with my married man that feels impossible. I absolutely know that I have to do it (although I am processing what Fallen Angel spoke about NC making the married man seem more appealing). I just basically feel lost. But, like JW said, I don't want to be in limbo. I do need to put 100% into whichever course I choose. It's not fair to either man for me to not just choose.

 

I know most of you will not believe me when I say this, but I do believe with all of my heart that my married man will wait for me to figure out what I want. It won't be easy for him, but he will.

 

My husband and I have our first therapy session next week. And I made some calls and I think I will also be starting counseling for myself. At least it's a start.

 

As a side note, I'm new here, but I'm not sure why people like Chrome Barracuda and Scorpion Male are posting on here. It's not helpful at all.

 

LOL it's not helpful because it's the truth. Will you give up the OM when your in therapy, no. Will the OM wait for you while he's still married, that shows me your not comitting to your marriage so your words and actions contradict each other, your hedging your bets.

 

I'm actually giving you another perspective. I'm not gonna be here posting enabling your affair. No Way, No How!

 

You go and have a nice life... I think if your husband finds out the affair on his own he should divorce you anyways. Why be married to a woman who cannot make p her mind. Whats' the point of being married if your gonna cheat anyway's it makes no sense?????

 

????? Huh?

[IfWishesWereHorses]

If you enter into MC without revealing the affair then your attempt will be nothing more than a farce, to ease your own feelings about leaving. If you enter into MC without going complete NC with MM, your attempt will be a farce.

 

That's not doing "everything" you can to save a marriage, its a half ass attempt to say you tried.

 

Start with IC. If you get your H into MC under false pretenses and he finds out, you've ruined any chance of that avenue ever working again. If your H drug you into MC to fix what in his opinion was wrong with "you" in the marriage yet refused to reveal all of the details of his affair or go NC, how would you view that attempt.

 

You really have more "issues" at the moment than he does, and HE is never going to make you happy until YOU have dealt with those issues. I believe you are setting him up for failure and that is unfair and unkind. Walk out an leave, but don't do a half assed attempt at MC, that's ridiculous.

 

Asking him to work on the marriage without telling him that you are in love with another man and thinking of leaving is cruel IMO.

[cyabye]

Are you guys kidding me???

 

What's the point of being married if your just gonna have affairs and look for a way out if anything???

 

There's no way she's thinking clearly with a 3rd party in the picture!!!

 

I guarantee no way!!!!

 

No that it's all said and done. No one forced her to have this affair!!!

 

NO ONE PUT A GUN IN HER MOUTH AND FORCED HER TO DO IT!!!

 

that was a choice. no matter if the marriage was good or bad, her affair was a choice! women in good marriages do damn cheat. So put the blame where it's deserved, on her!

 

No one wants to take responsibility for their actions.

 

Y'all make me sick.

 

Chrome, let me add a few more :sick::sick:. Most of what I read here is so disturbing (yet educational)on how some people think and live thier life. Again :sick::sick:.

 

cya

[Jeff1962]

This is my first post here... I've been lurking for some time and think it might be time for me to try and get some advice.

 

I am married with kids and I've fallen in love with a married man (he has kids too). When I say that I've fallen in love, I mean that this man is everything I thought I would never find. He is my match in so many ways. There is so much love and passion and joy.

 

My marriage isn't horrible and my husband is a good man. He is a great father and a good provider. We've been married for 15 years and we are like roommates. We take care of the kids, work, make sure life is running okay. Sex is good, no complaints. We just never connect, hardly talk, don't pay attention to one another. In a way, everything just feels dead, and it has for a long time.

 

So, if the marriage feels dead, when do you know you should leave? Do I stick around for my kids? Has anyone ever regretted leaving?

 

If everything feels dead with your H then how can you give yourself to your H? Out of duty? That is not love. That is companionship.

 

Sounds to me like you two need quality time together to rediscover one another.

 

Now, you are involved with someone else. WHAT DO YOU WANT? Decide and then live your life.

[cyabye]

LOL it's not helpful because it's the truth. Will you give up the OM when your in therapy, no. Will the OM wait for you while he's still married, that shows me your not comitting to your marriage so your words and actions contradict each other, your hedging your bets.

 

I'm actually giving you another perspective. I'm not gonna be here posting enabling your affair. No Way, No How!

 

You go and have a nice life... I think if your husband finds out the affair on his own he should divorce you anyways. Why be married to a woman who cannot make p her mind. Whats' the point of being married if your gonna cheat anyway's it makes no sense?????

 

????? Huh?

 

AMEN.

 

cya

[Fallen Angel]

As a side note, I'm new here, but I'm not sure why people like Chrome Barracuda and Scorpion Male are posting on here. It's not helpful at all.

 

LMAO.. I used to get offened by some of the things people like them would say, then I learned to accept it for what it is, comic relief..

[scorpmale009]

ICN,

 

you believe whatever you wanted to believe like OP said....at the end of the day i loose nothing over it...

 

got it,

 

your parents know, your friends know about the affair but not your EXH (unless he is living in other part of the world),tell this to 2nd grade student he might believe...

 

 

and the person who is talking about Black and White thing....you can see entire rainbow,vibgyor at one shot if you wanted to..that is what makes you the person who you are...

 

you can love 100 guys at one time,but when the decision time comes it is your used,dirty,trash H(good) has to pay the price for being good...i will not object on how many guys you are going to love or whatever you feel...let this guy know that you are in love with 99 guys so at least he could make his decision and live his life

 

huh..sorry, you are a cheater,telling the truth is against the norms of a cheater

[Jeff1962]

Another thought. If my wife gave to another man what she promised me emotionally, spiritually, physcially, with devotion, I would be a broken man. Not down for the count but broken in my core. It would take a lot of soul searching and years to get over I would imagine.

 

If you commit yourself to someone, you follow thru. You don't go behind their back. You end it. Then move on and it can be a screw fest if you want.

 

I'm not judging in anyway. These are my core values.

[scorpmale009]

LMAO.. I used to get offened by some of the things people like them would say, then I learned to accept it for what it is, comic relief..

 

 

that means you are laughing at your self,since they are talking about you

[Woggle]

This is why I say she should just rip the bandage right off and divorce her husband so she can chase this man. Cut to the chase and stop delaying the inevitable.