Impossible Choice

[SimplyBeingLoved]

I would say, you are not ready to leave your marriage if you are afraid of living alone if things with the MM don't work out.

 

If you are willing to live alone indefinitely - no matter what happens with the MM - then it's time to consider leaving the marriage.

 

But if you feel you would be making a horrible mistake, messing up your kid's "for nothing", if MM walks away sooner or later, then you are not ready; you have not emotionally prepared to leave the marriage.

 

My story is very similar to yours EXCEPT there is no MM waiting in the wings. And, I will be going through a trial separation. I'm not afraid of living "alone" though. I would rather live true to myself and alone than together in marriage but feeling like I'm living in a "lie" -- the lie of pretending to be happily married.

[Samantha0905]

 

 

As a side note, I'm new here, but I'm not sure why people like Chrome Barracuda and Scorpion Male are posting on here. It's not helpful at all.

 

Use the ignore button. It's a wonderful tool. There's a difference between being constructive in criticism and being judgmental and insulting. Some people are not worth listening to. Some people who are direct do not bother me. Judgmental, insulting and very narrow minded are all another thing......

 

If you enter into MC without revealing the affair then your attempt will be nothing more than a farce, to ease your own feelings about leaving. If you enter into MC without going complete NC with MM, your attempt will be a farce.

 

Asking him to work on the marriage without telling him that you are in love with another man and thinking of leaving is cruel IMO.

 

I don't think you need to reveal the affair if you go NC. You definitely do need to go NC with your MM, however, in order for counseling to be effective.

[scorpmale009]

why bother just leave your H, and explore the new,new,new as long as you want...

at least he can live his life peace fully...

 

you are the one cheated on him on top of that he has to attend the MC need to listen to your made up stories and MCs comments on how he need to change,what he need to do to get these new feelings...seems to be really justified and fair on him

 

and samantha,

 

you posted in 3 different threads about revealing affair

 

one wanting to get divorced...you do not want her to tell the truth

one reluctantly wants M to work(this one).....again you do not want to tell her the truth

one asking suggestions on how to continue A and M...again you defended he should not snoop to know about affair

 

in your own case you have not said the truth till now...since you wanted your M to work

 

can you tell me when would i get the chance to hear the truth(in which circumstances)....i think i am narrow minded to ask this Q

Edited January 20, 2010 by scorpmale009

[whichwayisup]

I don't think you need to reveal the affair if you go NC. You definitely do need to go NC with your MM, however, in order for counseling to be effective.

 

Another reason to tell is, her husband is better off hearing the truth from her and not MM or his wife. What happens (and this COULD very well happen) she ends it, goes NC and MM gets upset, tells her H the truth..Or he (MM) confesses affair to his own wife, then she tells the husband about the affair going on.

[Lizzie60]

If I can give you ONLY ONE advice ... it would be to NEVER divulge your A to your H only IF you intend to work on your M...

 

If you tell him.. this might end your chances to work on your M again or even recover what's left..

 

Please ... please.. please don't say anything about the A... you will soooo regret it... trust me..

[scorpmale009]

wow...never tell about affair when you wanted to work on marriage

------never tell about affair when you wanted leave the M

 

which means it's all about the cheater how she wanted her M or not

 

is there any second person in the M to consider??? (i don't see any)

 

then why in the hell he has to be there in the MC at all,she can go by herself, make decision for herself,live by herself,have her flings or whatever

 

at the end he is going to know about the affair, he will D her anyways....

[bestplayer]

that means you are laughing at your self,since they are talking about you

 

can i ask u why u always have to target some posters without any reason ?

[scorpmale009]

sorry, i have not targeted any one...read it for yourself

this is what ICN said

As a side note, I'm new here, but I'm not sure why people like Chrome Barracuda and Scorpion Male are posting on here. It's not helpful at all.

 

replied by FA

LMAO.. I used to get offened by some of the things people like them would say, then I learned to accept it for what it is, comic relief..

 

then my reply comes

 

 

[Jeff1962]

wow...never tell about affair when you wanted to work on marriage

------never tell about affair when you wanted leave the M

 

which means it's all about the cheater how she wanted her M or not

 

is there any second person in the M to consider??? (i don't see any)

 

then why in the hell he has to be there in the MC at all,she can go by herself, make decision for herself,live by herself,have her flings or whatever

 

at the end he is going to know about the affair, he will D her anyways....

 

Dude. I'm not trying to analize your words but you seem to be very angry.

 

Did your spouse cheat on you?

 

I've seen it a million times from males, you cheat and you are totally on your own. Screw you, you are a big girl. You made this choice, you betrayed me, now live with it. Get your OM to help you, leave me alone.

 

If she cheated on you then you need to deal with these issues or you will carry these issues into your next relationship.

 

If I have read too much into your post then ignore it.

[scorpmale009]

If I have read too much into your post then ignore it,

 

neither got cheated on nor cheated, i am single 25yrs .... it's just how i feel about the posts....that is it

 

i had one serious relationship for 14mths but i could not provide the time the way she deserved ,so i broke up with her(mutual decision).

 

my work keeps me out for 4-6mths a year,some times it might lost a year, which i am not going to miss for anybody...since that is wht i wanted(that is my story on relationships front)

Edited January 20, 2010 by scorpmale009

[Samantha0905]

If I have read too much into your post then ignore it,

 

neither got cheated on nor cheated, i am single 25yrs .... it's just how i feel about the posts....that is it

 

i had one serious relationship for 14mths but i could not provide the time the way she deserved ,so i broke up with her(mutual decision).

 

my work keeps me out for 4-6mths a year,some times it might lost a year, which i am not going to miss for anybody...since that is wht i wanted(that is my story on relationships front)

 

So, you are someone who hasn't been an OM or a BS.....

 

Your one long term relationship lasted 14 months.

 

That's a lot of experience from which you are offering such assertive and belligerent advice. I'm glad you posted your background. That's good to keep in mind.

[scorpmale009]

so you mean to say i would have been a BS or OM or miserable to say the least to be here....

 

i have handled my 14 months R better than your 33yr relationship--there was no lying, cheating, sneaking around in my R

 

i want my career,she wants some one who can spend the time with her and provide the attention she deserved...

 

"That's a lot of experience from which you are offering such assertive and belligerent advice"

 

what have you done with all your experience...had an affair,lying to your H(pretty impressive experience) ...

 

do i really need to have any exp to say apple a apple

[WhereToGoFromHere]

so you mean to say i would have been a BS or OM or miserable to say the least to be here....

 

i have handled my 14 months R better than your 33yr relationship--there was no lying, cheating, sneaking around in my R

 

i want my career,she wants some one who can spend the time with her and provide the attention she deserved...

 

"That's a lot of experience from which you are offering such assertive and belligerent advice"

 

what have you done with all your experience...had an affair,lying to your H(pretty impressive experience) ...

 

do i really need to have any exp to say apple a apple

 

So then really, why are you here? You already have all the answers. Are you just here to pass judgement on the rest of us?? Are you doing us a favor? Or just here to stir sh*t up?

[ladydesigner]

so you mean to say i would have been a BS or OM or miserable to say the least to be here....

 

i have handled my 14 months R better than your 33yr relationship--there was no lying, cheating, sneaking around in my R

 

i want my career,she wants some one who can spend the time with her and provide the attention she deserved...

 

"That's a lot of experience from which you are offering such assertive and belligerent advice"

 

what have you done with all your experience...had an affair,lying to your H(pretty impressive experience) ...

 

do i really need to have any exp to say apple a apple

 

Sweetheart until you have walked in the shoes many of us have then your advice is null...sorry but it is. Stirring things up...maybe. Offering advice...not at all.

 

When you have been married or in a long relationship with some substantial experience then maybe your words will be heard. Personally I am really surprised to hear how immature your advice really is for your age.

 

None of us here are proud of having an affair even with all the life experience. Many of us here have made an improper decision to have an affair and maybe need to know that the experience we had whether it be wonderful, heart wrenching, troubled..whatever it is...maybe we need to know we are not alone.

[crazycatlady]

I would say my parents have an incredible marriage. Its still passion filled after 40 years. But before I got married my Mom told me she was only going to ever give me two pieces of marriage advice. "If you cheat, don't tell". I asked her why and was told "Because telling is only to solve your guilt at what you did, to hurt the other person as revenge, or as a way to get the other person to start the divorce. It never does anything for the person who was cheated on"

 

The second one was not to let go when the in love feeling was over because in even in a good marriage love waxes and wanes through the years, but as long as you hold on, and keep trying, the in love part comes back. And she was right there too.

 

It was odd advice to me as a young adult. I didn't quite understand it, but now I do. And yeah I see her point.

 

CCL

[ladydesigner]

I would say my parents have an incredible marriage. Its still passion filled after 40 years. But before I got married my Mom told me she was only going to ever give me two pieces of marriage advice. "If you cheat, don't tell". I asked her why and was told "Because telling is only to solve your guilt at what you did, to hurt the other person as revenge, or as a way to get the other person to start the divorce. It never does anything for the person who was cheated on"

 

The second one was not to let go when the in love feeling was over because in even in a good marriage love waxes and wanes through the years, but as long as you hold on, and keep trying, the in love part comes back. And she was right there too.

 

It was odd advice to me as a young adult. I didn't quite understand it, but now I do. And yeah I see her point.

 

CCL

 

Excellent advice indeed. Your mother is a very wise woman.

[Samantha0905]

 

i have handled my 14 months R better than your 33yr relationship--there was no lying, cheating, sneaking around in my R

 

 

I don't think that's a statement you could truthfully make when my relationship was at the 14 month mark -- I dated my husband six years and have been married to him 27. When you get to the 26 year mark of your marriage and have not had an affair, then you could make that comparison slightly. In actuality, all relationships are unique.

 

I would say my parents have an incredible marriage. Its still passion filled after 40 years. But before I got married my Mom told me she was only going to ever give me two pieces of marriage advice. "If you cheat, don't tell". I asked her why and was told "Because telling is only to solve your guilt at what you did, to hurt the other person as revenge, or as a way to get the other person to start the divorce. It never does anything for the person who was cheated on"

 

The second one was not to let go when the in love feeling was over because in even in a good marriage love waxes and wanes through the years, but as long as you hold on, and keep trying, the in love part comes back. And she was right there too.

 

It was odd advice to me as a young adult. I didn't quite understand it, but now I do. And yeah I see her point.

 

CCL

 

That was great advice!!

 

None of us here are proud of having an affair even with all the life experience. Many of us here have made an improper decision to have an affair and maybe need to know that the experience we had whether it be wonderful, heart wrenching, troubled..whatever it is...maybe we need to know we are not alone.

 

So very true.

[1000]

 

I talked to my H tonight and he is reluctantly agreeing to go to marriage counseling -- he really does not see that much is wrong with our marriage. That alone makes me think that it really is dead. I think I'm going to go to a counselor too. It can't hurt. I'm hoping our insurance lets us do both at the same time.

 

I'm not ready to tell my husband about the affair. And I know you're right about needing to not talk to my married man while I work on my marriage. That is going to be incredibly hard, but I know it's what I should do. How do I do that, though? How do you say goodbye to someone that you're so in love with?

 

 

It's easy if you just remember that to your MM, you are just a hot little piece of ass on the side and nothing more.

[pureinheart]

Originally Posted by scorpmale009

i have handled my 14 months R better than your 33yr relationship--there was no lying, cheating, sneaking around in my R

 

I don't think that's a statement you could truthfully make when my relationship was at the 14 month mark -- I dated my husband six years and have been married to him 27. When you get to the 26 year mark of your marriage and have not had an affair, then you could make that comparison slightly. In actuality, all relationships are unique. (Samantha's reply)

 

Very true Samantha! Samantha, won't it be wonderful when we are perfect!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[pureinheart]

As a side note, I'm new here, but I'm not sure why people like Chrome Barracuda and Scorpion Male are posting on here. It's not helpful at all.

 

 

LOL....ICN...Scorp seems to be in an extreme of the normal rare form, very bad week I am thinking....scorp is scorp....But Chrome....don't remember Chrome....Chrome, dude?

 

ICN...you got my prayers...k... if that is alright with you ((((ICN))))

[pureinheart]

Again, you are making assumptions. Firstly that I would lose anything. My family is aware of my affair, they are aware of my continuing relationship with sMM, and are supportive of ME. And my friends, well my friends love me for me and know what I had tried to do with my marriage so were supportive of the separation and supportive of my pursuit of happiness.

 

And let me clarify, no I do not need money. I did not and do not need my (ex) husband for money or anything except his friendship. He is a lovely man that is happier now with his girlfriend than with me. I recognize this. Listen we made a great go at it but by the last year we were so disconnected he was dealing with the worst level of anxiety and OCD tendencies that he ever has. He had always dealt with depression but it was at an all time low.

 

I can tell you know he does not have OCD tendencies, he is much more relaxed, sure of himself, and HAPPY with his life. I fully recognize that while he loved me I DID NOT MAKE HIM HAPPY. Okay? I have known this man since high school, we were each other's first. And I know that I hadn't made this man happy for a very long time. Sure we were comfortable with each other, had a good friendship but we should have ended a long time ago.

 

If I am trying to protect anything it is him as well as, yes, some of his image of us. I do not want the affair to discount what we had, in his eyes. The affair was not a reflection of our relationship other than its death earlier that year. But you are right, I am making a decision for him that he is not privy to knowing. That is okay. I own that, I am aware of that. I have hid little from him but that is one thing that I think is worth the possible reprecussions.

 

he is a great guy, just not for me. And no, if it was known, knowing him he would own it saying it is his fault. If history is any indicator, he would say it was his fault and that isn't the case at all. It was a square peg in a round hole, we just don't work.

 

Believe what you want, I am not here to justify my actions. I own them, I have realistically viewed them, and I am okay with them. I do not regret what I have done. Was it ideal? Absolutely not. But I wouldn't wish that it had any other outcome.

 

Got it,

 

This is the very reason imo it is wrong to "judge" as usually the judgement is just that judging. There are so many different dynamics, senerios, and situations.

 

It is difficult, especially for the new member, or poster to explain every detail, also the new member/poster possibly has not been given the chance (for whatever reason) to give an adequate background...also cannot explain the background in every post or new thread....so here comes the sometimes unwanted comments.

 

Most of the time the posters/new members are stressed and just need a little encouragement/advice, but in some cases get trashed. Personally, and I know this is unrealistic, although it would be so cool if there were no uncool replies at all.

 

There are some total "gem" posters that have totally changed how I view certain things due to their objectivity....these changes are life changing attitudes that cause me to see certain people in my life that I had problems with not problems anymore because I quit judging them and forgave myself....thank you for who you are! ((((((GI)))))))

Edited January 21, 2010 by pureinheart

[NowhereToHide]

ICN, I am so sorry for what you are going through. These things are never easy. I'm sure you are feeling right now that you wish you had NEVER gotten to experience what it feels like to be with your MM. It clouds everything and makes the "right" path that much harder to choose.

 

You really are facing an impossible choice. I'm sorry that I don't have much advice for you except to tell you that you are not alone. I personally have gone through IC and will be starting MC very soon. I think those things will help you as you try to process what exactly it is that you want.

 

Good luck to you. And keep us posted.

[pureinheart]

I would say my parents have an incredible marriage. Its still passion filled after 40 years. But before I got married my Mom told me she was only going to ever give me two pieces of marriage advice. "If you cheat, don't tell". I asked her why and was told "Because telling is only to solve your guilt at what you did, to hurt the other person as revenge, or as a way to get the other person to start the divorce. It never does anything for the person who was cheated on"

 

The second one was not to let go when the in love feeling was over because in even in a good marriage love waxes and wanes through the years, but as long as you hold on, and keep trying, the in love part comes back. And she was right there too.

 

It was odd advice to me as a young adult. I didn't quite understand it, but now I do. And yeah I see her point.

 

CCL

 

Wow...how profound.....breathless

[scorpmale009]

samantha,

 

you believe whatever feels good for you....you defend them because you have done the same(for not telling the truth)...

you seem to learned alot from your mistakes ...ha,ha,ha(cheaters,be comfortable till you get busted by your H)

 

"won't it be wonderful when we are perfect!!!!!!!!!!!!! "

no, i am not a saint,but i wont do it when i already know it's a mistake or wrong

 

"None of us here are proud of having an affair"

it's not about whether you are proud of what you have done or not....it's about telling the truth....

 

"If you cheat, don't tell"

doesn't mean that ,you could stop me from knowing the truth(it's better don't cheat)

[ladydesigner]

samantha,

 

you believe whatever feels good for you....you defend them because you have done the same(for not telling the truth)...

you seem to learned alot from your mistakes ...ha,ha,ha(cheaters,be comfortable till you get busted by your H)

 

"won't it be wonderful when we are perfect!!!!!!!!!!!!! "

no, i am not a saint,but i wont do it when i already know it's a mistake or wrong

 

"None of us here are proud of having an affair"

it's not about whether you are proud of what you have done or not....it's about telling the truth....

"If you cheat, don't tell"

doesn't mean that ,you could stop me from knowing the truth(it's better don't cheat)

 

First off you are in a forum meant for those that are having affairs, have had affairs, or are contemplating an affair. There are also BS that come here to either flame or gain information from the OW or OM.

 

Why you are here...??? Are you here to just judge? You come off as very holier than thou. Great... you haven't cheated. Why don't you offer advice that is more fitting to one that has cheated already, rather than flame cheaters altogether. If that is your MO then you don't really belong here.