What are the signs of a future walkaway wife?

[donnamaybe]

True but it is mostly women who walk away from what seems to be a good marriage all of a sudden just to find herself. Men don't usually unless there is a damn good reason.

 

THIS is a DIRECT bash on women. Again.

[sumdude]

No, it's yet ANOTHER of your ever tiring "let's bash women" threads. They are becoming too numerous to count, and it's old. So very, very old.

 

I say, just like I would say to Keith Brooking, hike up your skirt, pick up your purse, and head out to the waaaaahmbulance and catch a ride to Whinerville.

 

Y'know I don't agree with a lot of Wogs ideas and posts. In this case I actually think there's merit to his question on the divorce forum and give the benefit of the doubt.

 

I find it interesting that someone is following him from forum to forum just to get on his case. Like an anti-groupie..

[donnamaybe]

Y'know I don't agree with a lot of Wogs ideas and posts. In this case I actually think there's merit to his question on the divorce forum and give the benefit of the doubt.

 

I find it interesting that someone is following him from forum to forum just to get on his case. Like an anti-groupie..

 

I can post on whatever thread I f'ing want. If he can feel free to bash women ALLLL the time, I can feel free to point out what a HUGE load of CRAP it is.

 

Take his last post I quoted for example. Translation: Women are almost ALWAYS the ones to do the crappy stuff even when they have a good marriage. But when it's the MAN doing the crappy stuff, he has a good reason.

[Woggle]

THIS is a DIRECT bash on women. Again.

 

It is statistically true. I never said that all women are walkaway wives but most walkaway spouses are female and there is a larger trend of men being blindsided by their wives all of a sudden walking out. Just look at this forum and compare the walkaway husband threads to the walkaway wife threads. Look at the fact that the overwhelming majority of divorces are initiated by women. It is not bashing to simply tell the truth.

[donnamaybe]

It is statistically true. I never said that all women are walkaway wives but most walkaway spouses are female and there is a larger trend of men being blindsided by their wives all of a sudden walking out. Just look at this forum and compare the walkaway husband threads to the walkaway wife threads. Look at the fact that the overwhelming majority of divorces are initiated by women. It is not bashing to simply tell the truth.

 

And what makes you so sure most of these women didn't have a good reason? Maybe many of them had husbands who were constantly suspicious and just WAITING for their wives to do them dirt. Like you. Do you KNOW all these couples personally? Doubt it.

[Woggle]

How often do you see threads from men saying that their wives treat them well, don't abuse them don't cheat but they just don't feel in love anymore? I challenge you to find me even 5 threads like this. When men walk it is usually because we have been cheated on or we have been seriously abused and mistreated for years and have finally had enough.

[donnamaybe]

How often do you see threads from men saying that their wives treat them well, don't abuse them don't cheat but they just don't feel in love anymore? I challenge you to find me even 5 threads like this. When men walk it is usually because we have been cheated on or we have been seriously abused and mistreated for years and have finally had enough.

 

So ALLLL the MM that are talked about on LS are figments of the OW's imaginations then? These MM who then almost EVERY SINGLE TIME toss their OW under the bus on D Day? I call BS.

[carhill]

Just look at this forum and compare the walkaway husband threads to the walkaway wife threads.

 

It is an interesting anecdote to ponder considering how few men, in comparison to women, post here. IMO, part of that disparity is that women resolve these things in real life, with friends and family, and that men are far less likely to do similar, and the internet has become a watering hole for men to share that which society as of yet deems socially inappropriate.

 

Watch how a woman interacts with your male and female friends. Does she value the importance the man puts on those relationships? How does she express that?

[Woggle]

And what makes you so sure most of these women didn't have a good reason? Maybe many of them had husbands who were constantly suspicious and just WAITING for their wives to do them dirt. Like you. Do you KNOW all these couples personally? Doubt it.

 

I have seen enough marriages and have studied them to know that it is not uncommon at all for a man to do everything right yet still get the I love you but I am not in love with you speech. In fact it seems to happen more to good men because I know men who treat their wives like dirt and these women will never leave them yet tons of good men get tossed because they feel to deliver some fantasy that only exists in women's heads.

[Woggle]

So ALLLL the MM that are talked about on LS are figments of the OW's imaginations then? These MM who then almost EVERY SINGLE TIME toss their OW under the bus on D Day? I call BS.

 

OW should know what they are getting into. You don't stick your hand in the Piranha tank and then complain when you get it bitten off. I also would like to add that many of these OW are also married and have husbands that treat them well but are willing to chuck them in favor of some cheating scumbag who fed them a bunch of lines.

[cyabye]

Signs of a wlak away wife/husband?

 

Let's see.

 

Gut feeling

Past history

Parent's past history (how they were raised)

Number of marriages/relationships?

Communications skills?

Honesty (or lack there of)

Education level

Desire to grow

Past infidelity (number 1 red flag)

Friend or family comments

 

to name some.

 

cya

[Steadfast]

Here I was, sitting here in front of my computer (can't sleep) feeling like an idiot because I agree with both Donna and Woggle. Then carhill posted:

 

 

...part of that disparity is that women resolve these things in real life, with friends and family, and that men are far less likely to do similar, and the internet has become a watering hole for men to share that which society as of yet deems socially inappropriate.

 

 

Bingo.

 

I've shared far, far more of myself here than I have with any one person...personally. That includes the acquaintances that have sought me out for divorce/separation advice. In the last two years it's been a 3-1 ratio, women to men. Like most men, I am very hesitant to share my feelings (rejection, loneliness, and the pain from her infidelity) with anyone I know. Nope, I'm much more comfortable posting here, anonymously, under this made-up moniker with my identity intact.

 

 

Watch how a woman interacts with your male and female friends. Does she value the importance the man puts on those relationships? How does she express that?

 

 

Dude, you are on a serious roll. This was a critical fault with my ex. She never valued my friendships, brought them up in conversation or did anything but treat then like some kind of threat. Her friends and family on the other hand...

 

I feel stupid now, not seeing the importance of that. Damn.

 

 

Watch how she handles conflict and assigns and accepts responsibility. Watch her priorities. Does she prioritize the relationship? How?

 

 

Do I even have to answer that?

 

Thanks carhill. Your depth and intelligence have helped me understand a portion of my marriage relationship that was clouded in confusion. And Donna? I was cheated, lied to and deceived but so was my girlfriend. The actions of her ex and my ex are sickeningly similar. The circumstances were different, but whether you fall in or are thrown, the sh*t bath is equally unpleasant. FWIW, I don't hate women, but do confess to not fully understanding even the basic precepts. Part of that is clearly due to the fact that women, while likely not more intelligent on average, process a more refined ability to express and deal with their feelings. Like many things, the bad make you appreciate the good all the more.

[Simon Attwood]

So far, all the things we have pointed to as signs, have either been rationalisations, or highly subjective.

 

I don't believe there are any fool proof signs, certainly none of the ones I have read so far appear fool proof to me.

 

And while we are at it, whether we are discussing "Walk Away Wives" or "Walk Away Husbands". There has been little suggestion that not only should you look at your partner for these signs, but that you should also be looking in to yourself.

 

The much used metaphor of the iceberg can be applied to human communication; if we only look above the surface, 9/10ths of it is hidden from view.

 

Words and actions must not be observed solely for their meaning, but also for their motive, and motive is very often hidden, even in the best of us.

[carhill]

My brief list of positive signs is based upon the dynamics of relationships I've been a part of for, in some cases, 20+ years, as well as the learning process of being married. I look at the successful, both publicly and privately, relationships and accept how both partners contribute to that success. To me, the absence of the positives is the essence of the negative and my singular perception of that dynamic forms the basis of my perspective of compatibility. A couple which is compatible and has the relevant mutual attraction is far less likely to experience walkaway spouse syndrome, IMO.

[Steadfast]

Of course you're right Simon, inasmuch as we need to recognize how our actions played a part in the demise. And while I'm sure that if perfection was the requirement for happy marriage that everyone would be divorced, it cannot be discounted that someone cheated, someone lied, someone broke their vows and someone placed their wants and needs first. Viewed in that light, then blaming yourself is the biggest rationalization of all.

 

And perhaps the most damaging, given the effects of that over the years.

 

 

Words and actions must not be observed solely for their meaning, but also for their motive, and motive is very often hidden, even in the best of us.

 

 

Well said, and critical to remember I would think. See, I may have tossed the game by my actions but I can rest easy at night knowing that my motives were to do the things that would help make my wife happy. If not right away, then over the long haul. If these were interpreted as controlling, insensitive or unloving then my delivery was a fault. Then again, shouldn't both sides be expected to look deeper than what's on the surface? Point being, a successful, happy relationship is truly give and take. Any other combination will fail.

[donnamaybe]

OW should know what they are getting into. You don't stick your hand in the Piranha tank and then complain when you get it bitten off. I also would like to add that many of these OW are also married and have husbands that treat them well but are willing to chuck them in favor of some cheating scumbag who fed them a bunch of lines.

 

Funny how you focus on the OW's in this scenario. But of course YOU would focus on any wrongdoing there might be on the part of the WOMEN.

 

MY point was that there are alllll these MM screwing around on their unsuspecting wives. Of course YOU would say it's because there's something wrong the wives are doing. Again, all I can say is

[Simon Attwood]

Exclusively blaming yourself, and exclusively blaming the significant other, are both rationalisations and turn a simplistic and deeply myopic eye on the complexities and multiplicity of the interactions that culminated in the situation.

 

even if;

 

someone cheated, someone lied, someone broke their vows and someone placed their wants and needs first

[donnamaybe]

Exclusively blaming yourself, and exclusively blaming the significant other, are both rationalisations and turn a simplistic and deeply myopic eye on the complexities and multiplicity of the interactions that culminated in the situation.

 

even if;

 

And to take that a step further, it is an even SIMPLER school of thought when someone ALWAYS blames one gender, whether it be the men or the women being blamed.

[sumdude]

Exclusively blaming yourself, and exclusively blaming the significant other, are both rationalisations and turn a simplistic and deeply myopic eye on the complexities and multiplicity of the interactions that culminated in the situation.

 

 

Of course it's a given that both spouses have a part in building the relationship and responsibility for the state created where one chooses to leave it. Most marriages and relationships hit hard times.

 

- Family/in-law issues

- money

- work stress

- child rearing stress

- health issues

- grief and deaths in the family

etc etc

 

Let's make this gender neutral then. What sign can one look for that makes it more likely for someone to choose to give up and leave rather than continue working on the relationship through the hard times?

 

This thread isn't so much about who was at blame for the marriage going south because that takes two but why do some people choose to run off and look elsewhere while others stick to it. No different than your classic 'red flag' threads in the Dating board.

 

I have no doubt in my mind that my ex wife's abandonment issues and lack of a deep bond with her mother. The fact that at some level her father neglected her as a child. She was a compulsive liar as well. Her previous relationship history and some sort of sexual or other abuse in her past seriously contributed to her choice to look outside the marriage then simply abandon it without much warning when we hit some hard times.

 

By the same token I played a part in the way things ended up with the way I handled things. Yet I was willing to slog through tough times with an internal commitment and hope for the future upturn.

[grogster]

And to take that a step further, it is an even SIMPLER school of thought when someone ALWAYS blames one gender, whether it be the men or the women being blamed.

 

The ill-tempered gender bashing on the Shack reminds me of the 1920's and 30's when the Nazis and and other anti-Semites blamed all of Germany's ills on the Jews.

 

This relentless Shack misogyny is the New anti-Semitism.

[donnamaybe]

Let's make this gender neutral then. What sign can one look for that makes it more likely for someone to choose to give up and leave rather than continue working on the relationship through the hard times?

 

One clear sign for me would be a person whose sole focus is mostly on "me, me, ME" or the type of person who is looking for someone to pay their way as the primary reason for entering the relationship. Basically, superficiality, and that comes in many packages. If there is no depth of character, then I would expect someone like that to bail when the going gets rough rather than stick it out and work on things.

[Simon Attwood]

And to take that a step further, it is an even SIMPLER school of thought when someone ALWAYS blames one gender, whether it be the men or the women being blamed.

 

 

It's like that classic situation where sibling rivalry ends in physical conflict and the parent steps in between to break up the fight, but there's always one that thinks they can get that last dig in, thinking the parent hasn't noticed.

[donnamaybe]

It's like that classic situation where sibling rivalry ends in physical conflict and the parent steps in between to break up the fight, but there's always one that thinks they can get that last dig in, thinking the parent hasn't noticed.

 

You're right. He'll just make another mysoginistic thread.

[sumdude]

In know in the future should I even find myself considering marriage again I will look a t things very differently.

 

I prefer she come from parents who stayed married. That she has a good relationship with them and her siblings in general.

I prefer that she not have had multiple long term and particularly cohabitative relationships.

A reasonable number of sexual relationships given age etc etc

I will pay close attention to how she treats people in general.

 

and a few other things for sure. None of this is unreasonable because I resemble these remarks.

[Simon Attwood]

You're right. He'll just make another mysoginistic thread.

 

 

If you don't stop it, Donna, you're not going to get an ice cream