What are the signs of a future walkaway wife?

[donnamaybe]

If you don't stop it, Donna, you're not going to get an ice cream

 

Dammit! And here I thought you were going to offer me a spanking.

[GorillaTheater]

I prefer she come from parents who stayed married. That she has a good relationship with them and her siblings in general.

 

From what I've read, and from converstations I've had, this appears to be particularly key. It seems that an unhappy/rough childhood, a parent leaving the marriage under bad circumstances, and a bad relationship with one or both parents often expresses itself in "walking away" from a marriage, even far down the road.

 

So based on that, I'd say Woggle is a prime candidate.

[carhill]

So based on that, I'd say Woggle is a prime candidate.

 

IMO, a prime candidate, but not a shoe-in. His presence here, for years, underscores some desire for introspection, even with the consistency of his 'line'. If he truly didn't care, he wouldn't be here, rather would have already divorced his wife and moved on to superficial and convenient relationships without a care. Not knowing his wife, I have a strong instinct he married into stability because he, at some level, wishes that for himself; an end to the turmoil and chaos of the past.

 

Shall he become the LS boy who cried fire too many times to be taken seriously? IDK. I'd be curious to know how many of the positive signs of a committed and invested spouse recounted here would apply to his wife.

[Ms. Joolie]

Great input on this thread, it's been helpful for me in summarizing what I think is vital in a romantic relationship, especially a marriage.

 

Seems the failure in any of the following is a relationship red flag, signaling that a partner may walkaway:

 

Passion - A lack of passion in the relationship is a clear indicator that things are dying out. I understand that we won't feel passionate every day toward a particular relationship, but there is a passion to making things work or a necessary passion in the overall well being of the relationship.

 

Commitment - Relationships, especially marriage, involve various commitments or responsibilities. I think the persistent lack of fulfillment in the various commitments in a romantic relationship/marriage is another indicator of decline. Or perhaps there are no commitments made together in the relationship, and it is as if there were two separate people not involved with each other.

 

Communication - Open and honest communication is a must. The ability to open up and share and relate with your partner builds intimacy, builds the relationship. If the channel of communication is closed off, that would have to be a danger for the relationship.

 

 

Then there are the negative individual traits of a person in a relationship that can cause it to ruin, or cause a person to walk away in the long run:

 

arrogance

selfishness

dishonesty

closed-mindedness

 

...and any other clearly negative trait you can think of. The effect negative traits have on the person will be the effect they have on the relationship, and possibly the cause of a walkaway.

[Simon Attwood]

Passion - A lack of passion in the relationship is a clear indicator that things are dying out. I understand that we won't feel passionate every day toward a particular relationship, but there is a passion to making things work or a necessary passion in the overall well being of the relationship.

 

Too much passion can have just as much of a destructive effect as too little. Intense passion can actually be perceived as threatening.

 

Commitment - Relationships, especially marriage, involve various commitments or responsibilities. I think the persistent lack of fulfillment in the various commitments in a romantic relationship/marriage is another indicator of decline. Or perhaps there are no commitments made together in the relationship, and it is as if there were two separate people not involved with each other.

 

Too much commitment, like passion, can also be perceived as a threat.

 

Communication - Open and honest communication is a must. The ability to open up and share and relate with your partner builds intimacy, builds the relationship. If the channel of communication is closed off, that would have to be a danger for the relationship.

 

Open and honest communication, can again be perceived as just as threatening to someone more guarded, as a lack of communication. It threatens to make them aware of their guarding, and thus the vulnerability that they guard. No one likes to feel vulnerable and no one likes to be made aware of their vulnerabilities.

 

We walk a tightrope in relationships with a deep sense of the threat of falling to either side. It's a delicate match and ground is made cautiously towards true openness , especially if there has been past pain and hurt. Fear lurks behind each step, threatening to pounce and take our footings away.

[seibert253]

One clear sign for me would be a person whose sole focus is mostly on "me, me, ME" or the type of person who is looking for someone to pay their way as the primary reason for entering the relationship. Basically, superficiality, and that comes in many packages. If there is no depth of character, then I would expect someone like that to bail when the going gets rough rather than stick it out and work on things.

 

Best one yet Donna.

 

The one character trait of all walkaways is SELFISHNESS.

[Ms. Joolie]

Too much passion can have just as much of a destructive effect as too little. Intense passion can actually be perceived as threatening.

 

 

 

Too much commitment, like passion, can also be perceived as a threat.

 

 

 

Open and honest communication, can again be perceived as just as threatening to someone more guarded, as a lack of communication. It threatens to make them aware of their guarding, and thus the vulnerability that they guard. No one likes to feel vulnerable and no one likes to be made aware of their vulnerabilities.

 

We walk a tightrope in relationships with a deep sense of the threat of falling to either side. It's a delicate match and ground is made cautiously towards true openness , especially if there has been past pain and hurt. Fear lurks behind each step, threatening to pounce and take our footings away.

 

 

Hmmm.... so what do you call the ability to listen to your partner and be attentive to their needs/wants, that ability to not be too little or too much? I can't think of a the word that would describe that sort of attentiveness to your partner, and the adjustment that's needed to build a relationship and not put in too little or be overbearing.

[LisaUk]

Best one yet Donna.

 

The one character trait of all walkaways is SELFISHNESS.

 

So true! About 12 years ago my mother had a heart attack and my (now) ex could not be with me b/c it would have meant him missing the last two weeks of school (no exams, all done), and spending time with his friends.

 

Yes, I know now it was a huge red flag to the type of person he is and that's only one example I have many, many more. Guess I really am stupid.

 

I'd just like to add something for Sumdude, you said you would look for someone whos parents were together etc. My ex's parents are still married, but they fought ALL the time (and still do). They stay together b/c they do not believe in divorce (personally I think that's BS, they stay together b/c they each get something they need out of the marriage-selfishness again), but for many reasons (too lenglty to go into), I believe this had some bearing on my ex walking. I would suggest looking at the quality of that stay togethers marriage as well! Also, you said you would not like someone who had cohabited. Well, I was with my ex from age 15, for 18 years and I would have married but he was the one holding that up (possibly CP), just a thought. I think you have to look at all the circumstances. What scares me now though, is there seems no way to tell if someone will become a WS, that's why I am considering staying single for good. I could not bear to go through this pain again.

[SummerLady]

scary.

 

when planing the wedding it was all about her & I constantly had to be a referee between her & my mother & sister & constantly being forced to pick sides.

 

She didn't want my sister in the wedding ect.

 

it got real ugly for a while there.

I almost called it off.

 

If it wern't for my kids I'd wish i had.

 

I'd say her being an attention whore was something I somehow missed.

 

OK let's be clear on one thing. Sometimes people just do not get along. I did not like my exmother in law from day 1. And my exsister in law was a complete idiot of the highest order and still is. Maybe that was my sign to get out! HA!! Just because people do not get along with their in laws does not mean they are going to be divorced. Let's not go extreme on this and scare others. Many people do not get along with their in laws. Mine did not cause my divorce, he did......

[whichwayisup]

When I look back I could clearly see that my first marriage was doomed from the start but back then I did not know. What are some signs a man should look for to make sure the woman he is commiting to is truly in it for the longterm?

 

Only read this first post of yours, none of the replies *yet*.

 

WOGGLE. Your current wife is NOT your previous wife. You have a good woman and she isnt' going to cheat on you, or leave you. I figure you are starting to question if she truly loves you? Again??

 

OK, maybe I should read the rest of the thread, but usually these types of threads end up being about YOUR OWN insecurities and really have nothing to do with your wife whom you judge, whom you don't fully trust, whom you question her sincerity, question her love for you ALMOST on a weekly basis.