Amicable Break Up, Now Best Friends, Try Friends With Benefits?

[flan]

About a month ago the (now ex) boyfriend and I broke up after three years of dating. We both decided that while we love and care for the other very much, we needed some space. We were both upset at the relationship ending but it was calm, civil and mutual. The primary issue is that I am moving away for graduate school next year and he has no idea what he wants to do. He thinks that he would like to spend the year maybe taking a few classes at a local college and finding himself.

 

Following the split, we became friends almost immediately and have been hanging out together, spending breaks at school together and so on. It is a bit unusual in that we went from dating to being best friends so quickly but our former relationship was very unusual as well. The friendship is natural and lovely. I know he values it as much as I do.

 

Recently, we have been discussing expanding our friendship to include the infamous 'benefits'. We have established some ground rules, the most essential two being that 1) If either of us begins to date someone else it is off and 2) If either of us starts to develop serious feelings it is also off. Neither of us is actively out looking for another relationship as we are both extremely busy with school, work and so on. Also, I do not want to get seriously involved when I am moving relatively far away soon. He is an extreme introvert and says he isn't interested in dating anyone. That said, if he meets someone then I plan to be supportive as it would be a big step for him.

 

I know it is generally ill-advised to embark on this sort of relationship, particularly with an ex but for the two of us right now it seems to make a lot of sense. There isn't any hostility between the two of us and we are loving to one another. I do not want a committed relationship due my leaving and I would not be suited to anything long distance. I believe this would be fun and a transitional step to dating again (hopefully) when I move. He agrees that he would like to give it a try. We were thinking about trying it in small steps (for example, perhaps start off with say making out and then proceed gradually, if we are both comfortable, to sex).

 

After all of this wind up however I must ask, are we just naive? Is this a good idea? I do not have much experience with relationships and neither does my ex (for both of us our relationship was our first serious go at it). Has anyone had a similar experience? Any advice? Thank you for taking the time to read this long post.

[norajane]

We both decided that while we love and care for the other very much, we needed some space. We were both upset at the relationship ending but it was calm, civil and mutual. The primary issue is that I am moving away for graduate school next year

You're not giving each other any space if you do fwb. And next year is a long time from now - it's January! So you'll be having sex with your best friend for a year, but not as a couple...and you think this won't create problems?

 

I think you're being naive. Either be a couple or don't be a couple, but you can't straddle the fence by being best friends and having sex and saying you're not a couple. It will end in disaster - meaning you'll lose your friend, your fwb, and your bf.

[BUENG1]

About a month ago the (now ex) boyfriend and I broke up after three years of dating. We both decided that while we love and care for the other very much, we needed some space. We were both upset at the relationship ending but it was calm, civil and mutual. The primary issue is that I am moving away for graduate school next year and he has no idea what he wants to do. He thinks that he would like to spend the year maybe taking a few classes at a local college and finding himself.

 

Following the split, we became friends almost immediately and have been hanging out together, spending breaks at school together and so on. It is a bit unusual in that we went from dating to being best friends so quickly but our former relationship was very unusual as well. The friendship is natural and lovely. I know he values it as much as I do.

 

Recently, we have been discussing expanding our friendship to include the infamous 'benefits'. We have established some ground rules, the most essential two being that 1) If either of us begins to date someone else it is off and 2) If either of us starts to develop serious feelings it is also off. Neither of us is actively out looking for another relationship as we are both extremely busy with school, work and so on. Also, I do not want to get seriously involved when I am moving relatively far away soon. He is an extreme introvert and says he isn't interested in dating anyone. That said, if he meets someone then I plan to be supportive as it would be a big step for him.

 

I know it is generally ill-advised to embark on this sort of relationship, particularly with an ex but for the two of us right now it seems to make a lot of sense. There isn't any hostility between the two of us and we are loving to one another. I do not want a committed relationship due my leaving and I would not be suited to anything long distance. I believe this would be fun and a transitional step to dating again (hopefully) when I move. He agrees that he would like to give it a try. We were thinking about trying it in small steps (for example, perhaps start off with say making out and then proceed gradually, if we are both comfortable, to sex).

 

After all of this wind up however I must ask, are we just naive? Is this a good idea? I do not have much experience with relationships and neither does my ex (for both of us our relationship was our first serious go at it). Has anyone had a similar experience? Any advice? Thank you for taking the time to read this long post.

 

It sounds like to me you are going back to boyfriend and girlfriend. Being best friends and having sex. If thats fine with you, fine, you seem to have had healthy relationship, but it also seems like thats not what you want.

[paddington bear]

But you already have serious feelings or you wouldn't embark on this, you wouldn't have remained such close friends.

 

You may plan to be supportive if he meets someone...I tried this, genuinely thought I would be supportive and 'not care' in the least, genuinely believed it. But when it did happen I did care, a lot, and it hurt.

 

There isn't any hostility between you now, but there might be later if you embark on this.

[nicolesanders27]

Actually it depends upon you. The decision is all yours.

 

If you think friends with benefits is good for you and won't hurt you in the end, then go.

 

But if you think and feel that you'll just get hurt in the end if you see your ex falling for somebody else, then better let go of the thought.

 

Honestly, why are you still hangin' on with each other when you have both set conditions never to fall for each other again?

 

Falling for each other again wouldn't be impossible since you once had a long-term relationship.

 

Think hard and be wise with your decison. ;-)

[flan]

Thank you all for the posts. I really appreciate the advice.

 

Also for clarification, when I say next year, I am actually stuck in school mode, meaning "next year" is really this coming April.

 

After reading all of these posts I decided against friends with benefits out of fear of things becoming complicated but then one night while hanging out we ended up sleeping together anyways. I am actually finding the sex satisfying and I have no desire to rekindle the full relationship (and neither does he). At least for now for the two of us FWB seems to be an ideal solution. It may get messy in the future but I am willing to take the risk I guess. We have a very strong friendship and hopefully this will be able to tide us through should the waters become stormy. If not, well, I am moving ten hours away in a few months.