Why would OW do this?

[Spark1111]

Okay, so we are two years since DDAy, happily reconciled, but still working through some issues. Normal, I hope.

 

Early in the affair (she was a work colleague), about 3 months after the onset, my WS and I are with another couple from his workplace at a beach bar.

 

His cell phone rings, he is very surprised it is her. He says, "Guess what? Blank is visiting her aunt nearby and I mentioned we may be here. Does anyone mind if she joins us for a drink?"

 

We say of course not.

 

She shows up and I am introduced to her for the first time. She seems very nice and I go and buy her a drink.

 

She whispers in my ear some cruel story about her xH preventing her son from joining her because it was the weekend and the xH had custody that day. The child is crying and blah, blah, blah.

 

I respond, "Oh, that is terrible to use a child as a pawn," or something to that effect. She stays a few more minutes, says good-bye, and returns to her aunt's home on the beach.

 

In retrospect: I thought she was nice. I thought it odd to confide something sooo personal to me the first time I meet her, but many people do. I never give her another thought until I discover she is the OW almost 13 months later.

 

Why? Why did she do that? He was truly surprised she called him to join us.

 

Did she need to check out the competition? (ME)

 

Did it empower her in some weird way to meet her lover's wife, have her be the one to buy her a drink?

 

Was it made all the more illicit once she had met me?

 

What possibly could be her motivation?

[Snowflower]

Spark, your story reminds me of my own experience with my H's xOW. I met her once...several months before the A had started. I had just been introduced to her and she immediately started bashing her husband (he wasn't there) to me and others in the group of people who were there. I remember thinking at the time that it was weird and rather cruel of her to be talking so rudely about her H especially in front of strangers. Just goes to show...

 

Just like you mention, I never gave her another thought for months until I found out through my own 'digging' that she was the OW.

 

In your case, it might have been all those things--checking out the competition, proving something to herself, who knows?

 

But honestly spark, why worry or even think about that day at the beach bar at this point? The A is over, right? And the OW is out of your lives. Please do not let her and the past have any more control over your life now. What's done is done and what happened, happened. Please, for your sake, Spark try to let it go.

 

I completely understand about the obsessing. It's normal and natural to wonder why your H chose to have an affair with that particular person. But spark, your H has chosen you and while you are still in recovery...enjoy your new marriage.

[bittersweet memories]

Okay, so we are two years since DDAy, happily reconciled, but still working through some issues. Normal, I hope.

 

Early in the affair (she was a work colleague), about 3 months after the onset, my WS and I are with another couple from his workplace at a beach bar.

 

His cell phone rings, he is very surprised it is her. He says, "Guess what? Blank is visiting her aunt nearby and I mentioned we may be here. Does anyone mind if she joins us for a drink?"

 

We say of course not.

 

She shows up and I am introduced to her for the first time. She seems very nice and I go and buy her a drink.

 

She whispers in my ear some cruel story about her xH preventing her son from joining her because it was the weekend and the xH had custody that day. The child is crying and blah, blah, blah.

 

I respond, "Oh, that is terrible to use a child as a pawn," or something to that effect. She stays a few more minutes, says good-bye, and returns to her aunt's home on the beach.

 

In retrospect: I thought she was nice. I thought it odd to confide something sooo personal to me the first time I meet her, but many people do. I never give her another thought until I discover she is the OW almost 13 months later.

 

Why? Why did she do that? He was truly surprised she called him to join us.

 

Did she need to check out the competition? (ME)

 

Did it empower her in some weird way to meet her lover's wife, have her be the one to buy her a drink?

 

Was it made all the more illicit once she had met me?

 

What possibly could be her motivation?

 

 

Im Sorry but what is d-day? I keep seeing this everywhere.

I know NC means non communication correct?

[eeyore1981]

Yeah, I had a similar experience with xOW. Probably halfway through the A she came waltzing her hiney into our office, hand delivering a prescription, and let me go on and on about how great she was and etc. etc.

 

She already knew me, so it wasn't to check me out. My opinion, based on my situation, is she just got some kind of cheap thrill rubbing my face in it or whatever.

 

I understand the obsession. But, if you are in a position to never have to lay eyes on this woman again (which, unfortunately for mine, I am not...) you would be doing yourself a favor to forget her and not worry about why she did what she did. Have a happy life, and don't worry about her.

[reboot]

Im Sorry but what is d-day? I keep seeing this everywhere.

I know NC means non communication correct?

 

NC = no contact

 

d-day = discovery day, the day you found out about the affair, or more often, the day you confronted them about it.

[OWoman]

Why? Why did she do that? He was truly surprised she called him to join us.

 

Did she need to check out the competition? (ME)

 

Did it empower her in some weird way to meet her lover's wife, have her be the one to buy her a drink?

 

Was it made all the more illicit once she had met me?

 

What possibly could be her motivation?

 

Spark.... Any of us who answer here would be guessing. Every OW is different, just as every BW is different and every MM is different and every M is different and every A is different. That said, some people may have experienced similar things - either as the BW being "checked out" by the OW (unbeknownst) or as the OW checking out the BW on the quiet.

 

There are a number of threads on the OW board about OWs checking out the BW - either during the A, or after being dumped by the MM. I'd guess much of that is probably about sizing up the competition, either to guess what chance there is that the MM might dump her (before DDay) or to work out why he chose her (after DDay). Or perhaps to see what the M is like - and whether what the MM has said about the M or about his BW matches up - to get an idea of whether he's being truthful to the OW, whether she can trust his word, or whether he's exaggerating how awful his M or is BW are to keep the OW hoping, and hooked.

 

Or perhaps she was wanting to get a sense of you, to see what it was that kept your H attracted to you, so that she could try to be more like you... in the hope that your H would recognise those same qualities in her and - in combination with all the other wonderful things she was, and offered - be won over to her? The fact that she was so "nice" to you suggests to me that she wasn't just checking you out - for that she could simply have walked in there "with her aunt", completely coincidentally, and had a drink in the opposite corner, waving across the bar or stopping ever so briefly to say hello in passing... I'd guess she was trying to establish a rapport, to get into your head to try to find out more about you, to try to establish a connection which she could harvest later on by emulating your "good points" while contrasting herself with any "bad points" she might have identified. I'm not claiming she'd necessarily have done so consciously - but I think the fact that she immediately went for intimacy with you suggests that some kind of identification was going on.

 

This is all a guess, of course. I've never been in that position, so the dynamic is completely foreign to me.

[Spark1111]

Spark, your story reminds me of my own experience with my H's xOW. I met her once...several months before the A had started. I had just been introduced to her and she immediately started bashing her husband (he wasn't there) to me and others in the group of people who were there. I remember thinking at the time that it was weird and rather cruel of her to be talking so rudely about her H especially in front of strangers. Just goes to show...

 

Just like you mention, I never gave her another thought for months until I found out through my own 'digging' that she was the OW.

 

In your case, it might have been all those things--checking out the competition, proving something to herself, who knows?

 

But honestly spark, why worry or even think about that day at the beach bar at this point? The A is over, right? And the OW is out of your lives. Please do not let her and the past have any more control over your life now. What's done is done and what happened, happened. Please, for your sake, Spark try to let it go.

 

I completely understand about the obsessing. It's normal and natural to wonder why your H chose to have an affair with that particular person. But spark, your H has chosen you and while you are still in recovery...enjoy your new marriage.

 

Oh snowflower, I am enjoying my new marriage.

 

And I no longer obsess about the OW, not since I spoke to her.

 

I just find her somewhat atypical from the postings I have read here from other OW I like and admire.

 

She seems a different cat to me, now.

 

Today, a conversation about heading to the beach when warm weather arrives triggered this old memory.

 

It seems to me, most OW would want to remain anonymous to the spouse. Why not this one? What was to gain?

 

Curious is all......

[Spark1111]

Yeah, I had a similar experience with xOW. Probably halfway through the A she came waltzing her hiney into our office, hand delivering a prescription, and let me go on and on about how great she was and etc. etc.

 

She already knew me, so it wasn't to check me out. My opinion, based on my situation, is she just got some kind of cheap thrill rubbing my face in it or whatever.

 

I understand the obsession. But, if you are in a position to never have to lay eyes on this woman again (which, unfortunately for mine, I am not...) you would be doing yourself a favor to forget her and not worry about why she did what she did. Have a happy life, and don't worry about her.

 

Not sure I can avoid her for life. They do work for the same company, although 50 miles apart and NOT in the same division. Do not really think of that much at all anymore.

 

Cheap thrill? Cheap thrill how? Do you think it was a competition with your over the same man? Do you think it empowered her Eeyore? How?

[Spark1111]

Spark.... Any of us who answer here would be guessing. Every OW is different, just as every BW is different and every MM is different and every M is different and every A is different. That said, some people may have experienced similar things - either as the BW being "checked out" by the OW (unbeknownst) or as the OW checking out the BW on the quiet.

 

There are a number of threads on the OW board about OWs checking out the BW - either during the A, or after being dumped by the MM. I'd guess much of that is probably about sizing up the competition, either to guess what chance there is that the MM might dump her (before DDay) or to work out why he chose her (after DDay). Or perhaps to see what the M is like - and whether what the MM has said about the M or about his BW matches up - to get an idea of whether he's being truthful to the OW, whether she can trust his word, or whether he's exaggerating how awful his M or is BW are to keep the OW hoping, and hooked.

 

Or perhaps she was wanting to get a sense of you, to see what it was that kept your H attracted to you, so that she could try to be more like you... in the hope that your H would recognise those same qualities in her and - in combination with all the other wonderful things she was, and offered - be won over to her? The fact that she was so "nice" to you suggests to me that she wasn't just checking you out - for that she could simply have walked in there "with her aunt", completely coincidentally, and had a drink in the opposite corner, waving across the bar or stopping ever so briefly to say hello in passing... I'd guess she was trying to establish a rapport, to get into your head to try to find out more about you, to try to establish a connection which she could harvest later on by emulating your "good points" while contrasting herself with any "bad points" she might have identified. I'm not claiming she'd necessarily have done so consciously - but I think the fact that she immediately went for intimacy with you suggests that some kind of identification was going on.

 

This is all a guess, of course. I've never been in that position, so the dynamic is completely foreign to me.

 

The dynamic is new to me also, OW! I have never felt THAT insecure, in wanting to keep a man....any man.

 

You make some excellent points, however. Whether consciously or unconsciously, it seems in retrospect pretty brazen to me now how she needed to infiltrate herself into the afternoon, since the affair had already started.

 

Most OW, while wishing to become the primary relationship, would not do this, I don't think, would they? Wouldn't they want to preserve their anonymity until the time is right?

 

Also interesting to note, she went on to hit the gym, lose a lot of weight...as if she percieved we were in a competition?

 

Is this all in the name of wanting to "win" or wanting to win the married man.

 

There is a difference between the two, I think.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

I used to have dinner and drinks with a group of girls EVERY Wed Nightfor years. We had a standing reservation for the same table in a fairly large restaurant. a few years into her affair w my H she started showing up there and sitting right by our table, usually right behind me. She got there almost an hour before her friends to get her table. I didn't realize at the time she was my H's OW.

 

I filed for divorce and she is still spending Wed nights following me. One day I sat down and she was already there, my friend asked how our weekend getaway was and I said it was a blast and she stood up banged the table and rushed out of the restaurant.

 

In my case I think she wanted to hear what I had to say, and plenty of girlfriend talk went on at that table for hours every Wed night.

[Spark1111]

I used to have dinner and drinks with a group of girls EVERY Wed Nightfor years. We had a standing reservation for the same table in a fairly large restaurant. a few years into her affair w my H she started showing up there and sitting right by our table, usually right behind me. She got there almost an hour before her friends to get her table. I didn't realize at the time she was my H's OW.

 

I filed for divorce and she is still spending Wed nights following me. One day I sat down and she was already there, my friend asked how our weekend getaway was and I said it was a blast and she stood up banged the table and rushed out of the restaurant.

 

In my case I think she wanted to hear what I had to say, and plenty of girlfriend talk went on at that table for hours every Wed night.

 

Do you think this was a case of her trying to determine if your husband was being truthful with her? Was the weekend getaway with him or someone else?

 

Are they together now?

 

I mean that strikes me as more than a little.....creepy, no?

[eeyore1981]

Not sure I can avoid her for life. They do work for the same company, although 50 miles apart and NOT in the same division. Do not really think of that much at all anymore.

 

Cheap thrill? Cheap thrill how? Do you think it was a competition with your over the same man? Do you think it empowered her Eeyore? How?

 

Ugh. Speaking of this specific person, she's crazy. So, the best I can figure is she got her rocks off coming into my space and letting me praise her, knowing she was sneaking around with my H and I was clueless. People refer to part of the A being exciting because it is secret and you don't want to get caught, so IMO it's walking on thin ice to put yourself in the spouse's face. Cheap thrill.

 

I don't know if she felt she was in competition or not. I did hear through the grapevine something that did make me feel like she was.

 

I was hit on for a little while by a MM at my job. I wasn't interested, MM found someone else, had his little exit affair, got divorced, etc. OW got divorced, and started emailing this guy, trying to get him to go out with her. He told her no. She then has A with my H, and when it all came out, this guy told me he told her my H was crazy to cheat on me, that I was awesome and he would have loved to have had a chance with me. Apparently she did not take this well at all. He said she screamed at him. I admit it, I laughed when he told me. :p

 

And yeah, I have lots more stories just like that one. My H sure can pick em...

[2sure]

Love...you ask why would OW do this?

 

Might as well ask "Why would my H do this?"

 

She called him and asked. He had lots of options as to his answer.

 

So anyway - who knows why either of them did this stupid thing.

 

When I was OW, two of them tried to manipulate circumstance so that both she and I would be at the same place the same time. With one , it happened by accident and he was thrilled (although I then stopped seeing him).

 

I dont think it was for any DARK reason...I think it was because they wanted to inject some factors from real life into the affair thing. As though doing so made me tangible. I'm not explaining it well. But it does sound like this OW wanted to reach out a bit more into your H's real life. Not to take him or change anything, but just to add that element.

 

Who knows.

[silktricks]

My H's OW kept asking him to introduce us, or bring me to where she was... he refused so she took to driving by the house whenever she was in town.

 

I think she just wanted to see what I looked like, but my H thought she was more hung up on me than she was on him. Whatever it was, it was confusing.

[2sure]

Its crazy you know...

 

We women, whether OW or BS often seem to get so caught up in our opposite (BS or OW) . It doesnt seem to matter whether it is brought on by curiosity, anger, discovery, ect...it all often ends up in Obsession. Almost like a hobby.

 

lol. The obsession, the competition etc...sometimes, to me, has LESS to with the object of our affection or dismay - the MM/WS - than it does with each other. I'm not saying this happens right away...but it does seem to become habit of some kind.

[Spoiled]

13 months later.

 

Why? Why did she do that? He was truly surprised she called him to join us.

 

Did she need to check out the competition? (ME)

 

Did it empower her in some weird way to meet her lover's wife, have her be the one to buy her a drink?

 

Was it made all the more illicit once she had met me?

 

What possibly could be her motivation?

 

Interesting. Her motivation could have been ego boosting for her, attempt to develop a friendship with you, observe his reaction with both of you in his presence, or to see if your personality/looks matched her perception. I have no idea.

 

BS and I were close friends for years and I avoided her throughout the A. Only spoke to her when she called me, responded to her emails, and responded to comments/posts on fb. I never initiated contact with her and MM and I avoided any planning of our families gathering as we did often in the past. Although we were all friends, after several months into our A, we refrained from mentioning our spouses' names, only referring to them as "my W" or "my H." Most likely to eliminate the personal relationship. Like your H's xOW, I may have been more curious about his W if I did not know her. not sure.

[jwi71]

What possibly could be her motivation?

 

Spark,

 

It doesn't matter. Not one bit.

 

What does matter is the stream of threads from you about the OW.

 

Why?

 

Why keeping bringing her back into YOUR life?

 

Why keep her alive and in the present?

 

Why do YOU think of her...and it seems to be fairly often.

 

LET.

IT.

GO.

[PhoenixRise]

Thank goodness my H's FOW is not local.

 

Spark I am amazed that she asked to join you and your H at any kind of gathering. I am sorry to say that I think it is indicative of how little regard your H showed for you and the M that she felt like it was ok to rub the affair in your face this way. It is clear from what you have posted of your interactions with her that she had little respect for you as a woman.

 

I am just stunned that your H allowed this to happen.

 

As for letting it go.

 

I get it. This person was a shadow in your marriage during the affair. She was an unseen presence that affected everything in your life. I would be trying to figure out what would make an OW ASK to be at the same place with me and my H.

 

However, I hope you got a satisfactory answer as to what the hell your H was thinking to basically invite his OW to hang out with his wife.

[freestyle]

Spark,

 

I'm speculating that in your case, you were dealing the mate poaching variety of OW, the ones who deliberately set out to snag someone who's taken. As if it were some sort of game..................

 

 

That very well could have been a reconassiance mission for her, when you

had your encounter.

 

I had a similar experience, with the OW in my story...She was a long-term friend of my SO, who reappeared in his life when her LTR dissolved.The classic 'damsel in distress".........(interesting timing)

 

The very first time I met this woman, she also went into a bashing session-get this- about my bf!!! Not so much flat-out bashing, but the more subtle digs, sideways character assassinations, etc. She even went so far as to imply that I was incapable of 'ever really understanding him'..

 

(I guess after knowing me for a coupla hours, she presumed to be an expert on my inner workings........puuuuu-leeeeeeze)

 

All this, of course, when my SO was out of earshot........

 

As she was casting aspersions on my SO's character, I got a very strong sense that she was trying to bait me into bad-mouthing him as well...

I didn't take the bait, which frustrated her to no end. Guess she thought I was actually gonna fall for that junior high crap.

 

I would've understood a true platonic friend being protective of a long-standing friend, and giving me the third degree to make sure my intentions were noble.(I would've respected that) But he and I had already been together for a year, and were well past the honeymoon phase........she's the one who 'reappeared....' after being AWOL from his life.

 

She didn't even try to get to know me, she just presumed to lecture me about how my SO and I simply weren't compatible, yada-yada..........

 

All of this completely unsolicited by me. I was looking forward to meeting someone who had been a part of my guy's life over the years, who he considered a good friend. I would'nt have dreamt of putting her on the spot ;to milk her for info. She pulled me to the side, to give me an earful.

 

I also had a gut feeling that she was deliberately seeking out my buttons,

trying to figure out my weaknesses....(probably to use them against me later) She kept saying she was trying to 'help me out'.....as my friend....

Yeah right.The undercurrent of hostility beneath the mask was plain as day to me.

 

The whole experience really blindsided me, it was almost surreal. Essentially, she was trying to undermine my opinion of my SO, and disparage our R, all the while sidling up to him as a long-lost best friend.

The under-handedness of it all still boggles my mind.

[Spark1111]

Thank goodness my H's FOW is not local.

 

Spark I am amazed that she asked to join you and your H at any kind of gathering. I am sorry to say that I think it is indicative of how little regard your H showed for you and the M that she felt like it was ok to rub the affair in your face this way. It is clear from what you have posted of your interactions with her that she had little respect for you as a woman.

 

I am just stunned that your H allowed this to happen.

 

As for letting it go.

 

I get it. This person was a shadow in your marriage during the affair. She was an unseen presence that affected everything in your life. I would be trying to figure out what would make an OW ASK to be at the same place with me and my H.

 

However, I hope you got a satisfactory answer as to what the hell your H was thinking to basically invite his OW to hang out with his wife.

 

Pheonix, at that point, while I know it had ignited, I do not think it was fully blown at that point....thinking along the lines of "friends with benefits."

 

He receives a phone call while the group of co-workers and I are standing around him, talking, laughing and drinking. I think he was trapped and had no choice but to answer and then throws it out to the group: She'd like to join us.

 

Of course, everyone says yes. To this day he swears (and I DO BELIEVE HIM ON THIS) it was not pre-meditated on his part. She had heard the group would be there (and me too); he did not know she would choose that day to visit her aunt and make a phone call to him, asking to join us.

 

WTF? Is basically all I am asking of those who have either been in this situation or why, or why not they think her motivation would be.

[freestyle]

sorry if I TJ'd there, Spark, I didn't mean to go into my own story quite so much.

 

I do think anytime a non-related woman connected to our SO's gets too personal, too quickly........(with us)...it can be a red flag for us to pay closer attention.

 

 

I've read so many stories at this point, after my SO's EA. It seems to be a recurring theme, especially when the double betrayals happen, when OW turns out to be your best girlfriend, cousin, neighbor, or in some cases, even the sister:sick:. In each case I read, the BS had been confiding in the OW about the state of her M, or R....................

 

....completely unaware that the person she was pouring her heart out to,

and sharing her secrets with, was gathering info to use against her.

 

It's appalling and beneath contempt.

 

I totally understand how you're still getting stuck, trying to figure out just what the $%#@ was going through her mind. It's hard for a decent person to fathom just how anyone could be so deliberately malicious. So we play it over, and over, trying to understand. I'm still scratching my head over my experience.

 

I do think in your case, Spark, it was a cat-and- mouse game............

[Spark1111]

Spark,

 

It doesn't matter. Not one bit.

 

What does matter is the stream of threads from you about the OW.

 

Why?

 

Why keeping bringing her back into YOUR life?

 

Why keep her alive and in the present?

 

Why do YOU think of her...and it seems to be fairly often.

 

LET.

IT.

GO.

 

Oh jwi,jwi,jwi....I did for two years and then she waltzed back into our lives unannounced and uninvited and basically initiated inappropriate conversation with my husband about two months ago in his work place and I called her on it.

 

It's another thread somewhere here at LS. She seems to despise me: no remorse, regrets, or we fell in love, we never meant to hurt you; absolutely NONE of that at all.

 

Add in the frequent hang ups from untraceable cell phone numbers to both our phones, unusual cars with tinted windows watching me walk into work and an exhorbitant number of strangers trying to befriend me on fb, I'd say the drama still lives on in her head for her and possibly her single or divorced friends.

 

No. I am not one bit paranoid, really uncaring about it all and just more than a tad curious about the motivations some people may have for their actions.

 

I NOW feel she is the atypical OW, rather unstable, highly manipulative and a raging drama queen to boot.

 

But why should I have to justify this thread to you?

 

It's not like there are tons of WS, BS, or OW/OM to bounce my musings off of in my everyday life. Isn't that what LS is for?

[PhoenixRise]

 

Of course, everyone says yes. To this day he swears (and I DO BELIEVE HIM ON THIS) it was not pre-meditated on his part. She had heard the group would be there (and me too); he did not know she would choose that day to visit her aunt and make a phone call to him, asking to join us.

 

 

I'm not saying it was premeditated by your H. It doesn't sound like it was.

 

 

 

My H's affair started as a FWB thing too.

 

I firmly believe that my H would have rather had his toenails ripped out with red hot pliers one by one than to ever have me and OW in the same place at the same time.

[Spark1111]

sorry if I TJ'd there, Spark, I didn't mean to go into my own story quite so much.

 

I do think anytime a non-related woman connected to our SO's gets too personal, too quickly........(with us)...it can be a red flag for us to pay closer attention.

 

 

I've read so many stories at this point, after my SO's EA. It seems to be a recurring theme, especially when the double betrayals happen, when OW turns out to be your best girlfriend, cousin, neighbor, or in some cases, even the sister:sick:. In each case I read, the BS had been confiding in the OW about the state of her M, or R....................

 

....completely unaware that the person she was pouring her heart out to,

and sharing her secrets with, was gathering info to use against her.

 

It's appalling and beneath contempt.

 

I totally understand how you're still getting stuck, trying to figure out just what the $%#@ was going through her mind. It's hard for a decent person to fathom just how anyone could be so deliberately malicious. So we play it over, and over, trying to understand. I'm still scratching my head over my experience.

 

I do think in your case, Spark, it was a cat-and- mouse game............

 

Very interesting points, here.

 

She was absolutely consumed with disparaging her xH who had married his last affair partner. Hated everything about him, including the way xH treated their son.

 

She made the man sound like an absolute monster, and was successful in causing her young son to hate his dad too.

 

Guess what? By most accounts the xH is a decent guy. Married, new baby, nice house. He left her with a nice house. They both have good professions. But it does seem he has moved on and she has not.

 

I truly believe there were underlying elements of revenge based in this affair, but to hurt him or hurt me is sometimes hard to tell.

 

Maybe both?

[Spark1111]

I'm not saying it was premeditated by your H. It doesn't sound like it was.

 

 

 

My H's affair started as a FWB thing too.

 

I firmly believe that my H would have rather had his toenails ripped out with red hot pliers one by one than to ever have me and OW in the same place at the same time.

 

HAHAHAHA! Totally agree with you on this one. And someday it may happen because of a company event or funeral. But it hasn't happened yet.

 

Honestly at this point, I could care less. But he might.