Why would OW do this?

[Brokenlady]

I did not think so, BL and you remind me of many of the OW who post here.

 

What do you speculate the motivation would be for a woman who did do this?

 

Well, if we assume that your H's version is true - that he had no knowledge of what she was doing it was probably a couple things, but none of them "good reasons".

 

In any caring relationship, we share parts of our lives - but it's awfully hard for an MM to do that. The OW can't meet family and friends, integral people in the MM's life. I recall that once I took my kids to a parade that xDM's daughter was in (my kids couldn't have cared less about the parade). Again, it was his suggestion, but I guess I felt like I could get a little closer to his inner circle - put my hand on the glass because I couldn't walk through it. So, in your case, it's quite possible that the xOW wanted to get closer to your H's inner circle.

 

She may have even gotten a thrill about walking the edge without blowing his cover. (I wouldn't have, but there are women like that). And if she's really a sick pup, she may have gotten off on the idea that she was right next you and you were being nice to her, completely unaware that she was screwing you H. (xDm was like that sometimes - I suspect part of the reason he wanted me around was a sort of passive-aggressive "sticking it" to his xW).

 

Or, maybe she wanted to see how you really are, if he was lying about your character. Suppose she decided you were in fact the shrew he described, it would sure ease her conscience about having the A.

 

Or maybe she wanted to see how you and your H interact. As strange as it sounds, many OW still expect/hope for sexual exclusivity with the MM, and often the MM claim this is the case. Maybe she wanted to see if she could get an idea of where your relationship with your H was at by watching you interact. In some small way, I sometimes wished I could have been a fly on the wall at xDM and his xW's house to see if all was as he said. (How's that for trust?)

Edited January 27, 2010 by Brokenlady

[Spark1111]

Thank you! I concur with Snowflower. Thank you for taking the time to respond here.

 

I know that there are agitators on all sides of the triangle, but I'm not one.

 

And thank you. I too can relate to being a fly on the wall.

 

Something else we have in common!

[bentnotbroken]

The only way to really know what the OW was thinking is to ask her.

 

 

No guarantees there either.

[NoIDidn't]

The affair isn't about the BS. The BS isn't even considered. The "competition" aspect really only seems to come about after D-day when there is actually two women tugging at an MM. It's when logic is completely rules by emotion and everything is obsessed about and taken personally.

 

I don't agree with this. The MM sets the competition into place the minute he starts comparing the OW with the W. The suggestions that the W would never do whatever nice thing the OW is currently doing. Or the complaining about the most recent argument with the W to the OW.

 

D-Day just brings the logic of "if she is so horrible, and I am so wonderful, why haven't you chosen me yet?" to the surface. But the competition began long before. The entire "waiting-for-MM-to-decide-to-leave" is based on competition.

 

Competition isn't a bad word. In fact, having had to deal with Infidelity in my marriage re-opened my eyes to the reality of competition between women. It exists between single women over single guys, its not a surprise to see it existing in a triangular relationship, IMO.

[OWoman]

I don't agree with this. The MM sets the competition into place the minute he starts comparing the OW with the W. The suggestions that the W would never do whatever nice thing the OW is currently doing. Or the complaining about the most recent argument with the W to the OW.

 

I think this depends a lot on the nature of the A, and on the nature of the OW.

 

My H never directly compared me to his xW, and didn't complain about her. If he said anything at all about her it would be completely neutral (such as, that she [initially] worked at the same organisation that he did, or that she enjoyed xyz hobby [if that topic had come up in conversation] or such). [The "negative" stuff I gathered from other people (friends, family, colleagues)]

 

OTOH, I've seen emails from a wannabe-OW (a woman he supervised at the time) who would rip into his then-W about the slightest or most neutral thing she picked up, framing his then-W in the harshest possible light and telling him his M was doomed... Well, yes it was, and no his xW was no angel, but the way it was cast was very bitchy and nasty. At the time, he regarded it as yet another of his colleagues / friends / etc warning him that his M was no good for him, but to me it was clear that there was another agenda at play (subsequently proven correct - as her emails later got more and more explicit about what she'd like to do with him...). To her, the only way she could succeed was through competition - through showing him the flaws of his current M / W and by contrast (or implication, in places) painting herself as the glowing antidote to "all that".

 

I think the difference is one of security. If an OW is secure in the R, she sees no need for competition - the actions and treatment she receives from the MM let her know where she stands, whether she's loved, how well she's respected and valued. If an OW is not secure in the R - for example, she wants him to leave the M but is uncertain if he will do so, or - after a DDay - it becomes clear that he won't, then she needs to shore up her self-esteem and security the way so many insecure people do (watch small kids on the playground) - by putting someone else down to make themselves look better. Enter.... the competition!

 

Spark, I think in your case, there was no need for competition on your side. You knew where you stood with your H. There was no need for you to "win" because you already had.

 

And then... something about the OW and her dynamic through that security off a little. She / her motivations were not quite as you'd understood / imagined them to be. Suddenly - when she appeared at your H's office - your understanding felt challenged, and some doubt crept in. I'm not saying this was doubt about your H or your M or anything like that - it was doubt about the grasp you'd had of "the situation" because one part of it - the OW - was acting to spec. Which made you wonder, have I got this wrong? And so, suddenly, there was a need to pin her down in some way. Not as "competition" per se, but more to get a handle on her so that you could once more have a neat, logical (albeit not rational) understanding of the situation to park back in your mind and get on with the rest of your life.

 

She disturbed your equilibrium by not acting the way you'd (compassionately) imagined OW would act. And now, with some greater clarity of what may have motivated her, you can again tick the box and close the file. (Until whatever she tries next... )

[Brokenlady]

I think the difference is one of security. If an OW is secure in the R, she sees no need for competition - the actions and treatment she receives from the MM let her know where she stands, whether she's loved, how well she's respected and valued. If an OW is not secure in the R - for example, she wants him to leave the M but is uncertain if he will do so, or - after a DDay - it becomes clear that he won't, then she needs to shore up her self-esteem and security the way so many insecure people do (watch small kids on the playground) - by putting someone else down to make themselves look better. Enter.... the competition!

 

Spark, I think in your case, there was no need for competition on your side. You knew where you stood with your H. There was no need for you to "win" because you already had.

 

And then... something about the OW and her dynamic through that security off a little. She / her motivations were not quite as you'd understood / imagined them to be. Suddenly - when she appeared at your H's office - your understanding felt challenged, and some doubt crept in. I'm not saying this was doubt about your H or your M or anything like that - it was doubt about the grasp you'd had of "the situation" because one part of it - the OW - was acting to spec. Which made you wonder, have I got this wrong? And so, suddenly, there was a need to pin her down in some way. Not as "competition" per se, but more to get a handle on her so that you could once more have a neat, logical (albeit not rational) understanding of the situation to park back in your mind and get on with the rest of your life.

 

She disturbed your equilibrium by not acting the way you'd (compassionately) imagined OW would act. And now, with some greater clarity of what may have motivated her, you can again tick the box and close the file. (Until whatever she tries next... )

 

This is exactly what I was thinking. Thank you for putting that out so so eloquently.

[Spark1111]

I don't agree with this. The MM sets the competition into place the minute he starts comparing the OW with the W. The suggestions that the W would never do whatever nice thing the OW is currently doing. Or the complaining about the most recent argument with the W to the OW.

 

D-Day just brings the logic of "if she is so horrible, and I am so wonderful, why haven't you chosen me yet?" to the surface. But the competition began long before. The entire "waiting-for-MM-to-decide-to-leave" is based on competition.

 

Competition isn't a bad word. In fact, having had to deal with Infidelity in my marriage re-opened my eyes to the reality of competition between women. It exists between single women over single guys, its not a surprise to see it existing in a triangular relationship, IMO.

 

Very well put, NID.

 

I, and most other BSs are in a competition we know nothing about! Who put us there? Our WS!

 

And I agree for the majority of affairs (NOT ALL) a competitive spirit exists that reinforces "I am the better choice for you, so when are you leaving her for me?"

[Spark1111]

I think this depends a lot on the nature of the A, and on the nature of the OW.

 

My H never directly compared me to his xW, and didn't complain about her. If he said anything at all about her it would be completely neutral (such as, that she [initially] worked at the same organisation that he did, or that she enjoyed xyz hobby [if that topic had come up in conversation] or such). [The "negative" stuff I gathered from other people (friends, family, colleagues)]

 

OTOH, I've seen emails from a wannabe-OW (a woman he supervised at the time) who would rip into his then-W about the slightest or most neutral thing she picked up, framing his then-W in the harshest possible light and telling him his M was doomed... Well, yes it was, and no his xW was no angel, but the way it was cast was very bitchy and nasty. At the time, he regarded it as yet another of his colleagues / friends / etc warning him that his M was no good for him, but to me it was clear that there was another agenda at play (subsequently proven correct - as her emails later got more and more explicit about what she'd like to do with him...). To her, the only way she could succeed was through competition - through showing him the flaws of his current M / W and by contrast (or implication, in places) painting herself as the glowing antidote to "all that".

 

I think the difference is one of security. If an OW is secure in the R, she sees no need for competition - the actions and treatment she receives from the MM let her know where she stands, whether she's loved, how well she's respected and valued. If an OW is not secure in the R - for example, she wants him to leave the M but is uncertain if he will do so, or - after a DDay - it becomes clear that he won't, then she needs to shore up her self-esteem and security the way so many insecure people do (watch small kids on the playground) - by putting someone else down to make themselves look better. Enter.... the competition!

 

Spark, I think in your case, there was no need for competition on your side. You knew where you stood with your H. There was no need for you to "win" because you already had.

 

And then... something about the OW and her dynamic through that security off a little. She / her motivations were not quite as you'd understood / imagined them to be. Suddenly - when she appeared at your H's office - your understanding felt challenged, and some doubt crept in. I'm not saying this was doubt about your H or your M or anything like that - it was doubt about the grasp you'd had of "the situation" because one part of it - the OW - was acting to spec. Which made you wonder, have I got this wrong? And so, suddenly, there was a need to pin her down in some way. Not as "competition" per se, but more to get a handle on her so that you could once more have a neat, logical (albeit not rational) understanding of the situation to park back in your mind and get on with the rest of your life.

 

She disturbed your equilibrium by not acting the way you'd (compassionately) imagined OW would act. And now, with some greater clarity of what may have motivated her, you can again tick the box and close the file. (Until whatever she tries next... )

 

You nailed it OW!

 

Our equilibrium was disturbed with the breaking of NC after 2 years, the asking of his advice on whether or not she should pursue a relationship with a new man, telling him I was vicious.

 

Our equilibrium was disturbed when I called her and she blasted me, him, family, friends a week after possibly seeing if he was still available.

 

You are right. I only envisioned her compassionately and once again have to re-evaluate my former assumptions.

 

And then I can tick the box and close the file.....finally at piece.

[NoIDidn't]

I think this depends a lot on the nature of the A, and on the nature of the OW.

 

My H never directly compared me to his xW, and didn't complain about her. If he said anything at all about her it would be completely neutral (such as, that she [initially] worked at the same organisation that he did, or that she enjoyed xyz hobby [if that topic had come up in conversation] or such). [The "negative" stuff I gathered from other people (friends, family, colleagues)]

 

OTOH, I've seen emails from a wannabe-OW (a woman he supervised at the time) who would rip into his then-W about the slightest or most neutral thing she picked up, framing his then-W in the harshest possible light and telling him his M was doomed... Well, yes it was, and no his xW was no angel, but the way it was cast was very bitchy and nasty. At the time, he regarded it as yet another of his colleagues / friends / etc warning him that his M was no good for him, but to me it was clear that there was another agenda at play (subsequently proven correct - as her emails later got more and more explicit about what she'd like to do with him...). To her, the only way she could succeed was through competition - through showing him the flaws of his current M / W and by contrast (or implication, in places) painting herself as the glowing antidote to "all that".

 

I think the difference is one of security. If an OW is secure in the R, she sees no need for competition - the actions and treatment she receives from the MM let her know where she stands, whether she's loved, how well she's respected and valued. If an OW is not secure in the R - for example, she wants him to leave the M but is uncertain if he will do so, or - after a DDay - it becomes clear that he won't, then she needs to shore up her self-esteem and security the way so many insecure people do (watch small kids on the playground) - by putting someone else down to make themselves look better. Enter.... the competition!

 

 

Like Brokenlady said, you nailed it. You will get no disagreement from me. It definitely depends on the OW and the situation everyone is placed into.

 

My opinion wasn't based on the OW in my situation, but some of the situations that I have read about here (both Infidelity and OW/OM forums)and others that I know IRL.

 

I think we all respected ourselves enough to not take it to the name-calling to be chosen level. We decided our relationships would stand or fall on their own merits.

 

And it doesn't have to be the OW that starts the active competition, it could be the BW. Its never a good idea for a BW to put down the OW to her WH. Too many assumptions would be made and it would only serve to further damage their already poor perception of the M and the BW to begin with.

 

I don't think competition is bad in *regular* dating situations when exclusivity hasn't yet been established. But once exclusivity has been established, neither partner should have to deal with a "win me" demeanor.