Should I get back together with Ex-Fiance?

[Chitowngirl]

We dated 1 yr, engaged for 7 months (total 1.7 yrs). I'm 27, he's 35. The main reason I left him is because he has a childish temper. I left him on bad terms: we got into a huge fight, he got out of control, didn't put his hands on me but did try to throw the chair I was sitting in out of the hotel room. He said really mean things, told me to leave him, wanted me to fly back home. I took it a step farther and told him I'd fly to my parents house and live with them. He agreed. I flew out that morning at 4am. This was 8 months ago. We went 5 months with NO CONTACT, which was good. I was able to date again and I didn't think about him daily. Then in Dec he asked how our dog was doing, since I brought him with me. That caused the flood gates to open and every since then I've thought about him every day.

We have talked a lot the last few days via email and he has apologized for everything, said he bought some anger management books, etc, and he still misses me and said the passion we had was unique. I agree, I was crazy for him even despite the horrrible fights we got into. I still love him and would want to work things out if he agrees.

Has anyone ever gone back to an ex who they left for temper issues?

[MySweetie'sGone]

We dated 1 yr, engaged for 7 months (total 1.7 yrs). I'm 27, he's 35. The main reason I left him is because he has a childish temper. I left him on bad terms: we got into a huge fight, he got out of control, didn't put his hands on me but did try to throw the chair I was sitting in out of the hotel room. He said really mean things, told me to leave him, wanted me to fly back home. I took it a step farther and told him I'd fly to my parents house and live with them. He agreed. I flew out that morning at 4am. This was 8 months ago. We went 5 months with NO CONTACT, which was good. I was able to date again and I didn't think about him daily. Then in Dec he asked how our dog was doing, since I brought him with me. That caused the flood gates to open and every since then I've thought about him every day.

We have talked a lot the last few days via email and he has apologized for everything, said he bought some anger management books, etc, and he still misses me and said the passion we had was unique. I agree, I was crazy for him even despite the horrrible fights we got into. I still love him and would want to work things out if he agrees.

Has anyone ever gone back to an ex who they left for temper issues?

 

 

Was this the first display of a temper? If not (and I'm assuming he's a regular) I would tread carefully about going back. ..and it took him 5 months just to apologize??? After trying to throw your chair, with you in it?? I don't know about this one, Chi. His temper is more than childish. He'd have to really show an improvement temper-wise. Books aren't enough.

[Chitowngirl]

No, he was a regular with his anger out bursts..about once a month we'd get into dramatic fights.

Actually I think it took him 6 months to apologize. His whole argumenet has been, "You left me!"..but I left because he told me to, plus I was fed up.

True, he was on steroids as well, so I'd need him stop those, possibly get on other meds to even out his temper, and possibly go to counseling together. Not sure if he'd even agree to any of the above...I'm not sure if he wants to try again as he gives mixed messages like, "I miss you and think about you every day, but I need closure. I'm moving on.." "I wish you never listened to me when I was angry and said stupid things." "I wish you never left me."

[MySweetie'sGone]

No, he was a regular with his anger out bursts..about once a month we'd get into dramatic fights.

Actually I think it took him 6 months to apologize. His whole argumenet has been, "You left me!"..but I left because he told me to, plus I was fed up.

True, he was on steroids as well, so I'd need him stop those, possibly get on other meds to even out his temper, and possibly go to counseling together. Not sure if he'd even agree to any of the above...I'm not sure if he wants to try again as he gives mixed messages like, "I miss you and think about you every day, but I need closure. I'm moving on.." "I wish you never listened to me when I was angry and said stupid things." "I wish you never left me."

 

Wow...steroids...even worse. You are highly justified in leaving him and six months is too long...he should have never made you walk out of the door. If you're not sure if he'd agree to any of those conditions that's a red flag. If he does say he wants to reconcile--ask him. If he says no...there's your answer. My guy did the same thing with the mixed messages after a month (to the day) of no contact. But you what, when I started responding he backed off again...I was helping him to heal by easing his guilt. You should go back to NC unless he says reconciliation is what he wants. For your sake and for healing's sake. He's apologized--good. But you don't deserve to be confused--no one does.

[Chitowngirl]

Wow...steroids...even worse. You are highly justified in leaving him and six months is too long...he should have never made you walk out of the door. If you're not sure if he'd agree to any of those conditions that's a red flag. If he does say he wants to reconcile--ask him. If he says no...there's your answer. My guy did the same thing with the mixed messages after a month (to the day) of no contact. But you what' date=' when I started responding he backed off again...I was helping him to heal by easing his guilt. You should go back to NC unless he says reconciliation is what he wants. For your sake and for healing's sake. He's apologized--good. But you don't deserve to be confused--no one does.[/quote']

 

Thanks. I just asked him what he wants. I have a feeling he just wanted me to ease his guilt, like your ex did. I told him if he doesn't want to get back with me then the contact needs to stop today.

[MySweetie'sGone]

Thanks. I just asked him what he wants. I have a feeling he just wanted me to ease his guilt, like your ex did. I told him if he doesn't want to get back with me then the contact needs to stop today.

 

Let us know what happens. & if his response is negative--you don't even have to respond, just go NC--FOR YOU.

[Chitowngirl]

Let us know what happens. & if his response is negative--you don't even have to respond' date=' just go NC--FOR YOU.[/quote']

 

well I wrote him a long email explaining things, and said at the end if he didn't want to pursue the relationship further then he needs to stop contacting me so we can move on. I haven't heard from him. So I think you were right, that he was just trying to have me feed his ego so he could move on from being dumped.

Hmph.

[CaliGuy]

The answer is no.

 

Why?

 

What's changed since the breakup? I'll tell you, nothing. It doesn't appear that he's done anything to correct his behavioral issues. Do you really want to go back to the way it was before you left?

 

Because that's exactly what it's going to be.

 

Screw me once, shame on you.

Screw me twice, shame on me.

 

Never EVER consider taking someone back unless you know with 100% accuracy that they have fixed the issues that caused the breakup to begin with.

 

And never EVER take them back if they cheated. Sorry, that's the deal breaker IMHO.

[sunrae]

Has anyone ever gone back to an ex who they left for temper issues?

 

My bestfriend is going throught that now... He said he would change, "pretended" to have changed and now they are back to square one.. Seperated again, because nothing had changed, he never sought professional help for his anger...

 

I also think a key word you used was "I was crazy for him even despite the horrrible fights we got into".... Apparently it wasnt just one big one, you have had several.....

 

So, Dont put yourself into the situation again... He can read all the books he wants to, but doesnt mean he is going to change...

 

PLEASE.. Dont go back and get yourself hurt.

[MySweetie'sGone]

Yep, like I said...you got your answer...LET. Him. GO. He has too many issues and you don't deserve to be dragged down with him. I agree with the other post...he may just be pretending that he got help to get you back..and since he hasn't really changed within a few months you'll find yourself roght back at square one...

[Jeff1962]

No, he was a regular with his anger out bursts..about once a month we'd get into dramatic fights.

Actually I think it took him 6 months to apologize. His whole argumenet has been, "You left me!"..but I left because he told me to, plus I was fed up.

True, he was on steroids as well, so I'd need him stop those, possibly get on other meds to even out his temper, and possibly go to counseling together. Not sure if he'd even agree to any of the above...I'm not sure if he wants to try again as he gives mixed messages like, "I miss you and think about you every day, but I need closure. I'm moving on.." "I wish you never listened to me when I was angry and said stupid things." "I wish you never left me."

 

If you get back with this guy you will eventually get what is coming to you. I would not go back and I would have no contact with him.

[Angel1111]

The smartest thing you ever did was leave this guy. His temper will not improve no matter what he tells you. He's abusive and it's just a matter of time before that chair gets thrown at you. These guys all do the same things when they get dumped. They become remorseful and talk about how much they're learned since you've broken up. It's really nauseating. Oh yeah....and their favorite thing is to create high drama when you're travelling with them. I've seen and heard about this scenario many times and I think it has to do with them thinking they've got you captive, in a sense.

 

If you get back together with him, you'll regret it.

Edited January 21, 2010 by Angel1111

[nomad0792]

The answer is no.

 

Why?

 

What's changed since the breakup? I'll tell you, nothing. It doesn't appear that he's done anything to correct his behavioral issues. Do you really want to go back to the way it was before you left?

 

Because that's exactly what it's going to be.

 

Screw me once, shame on you.

Screw me twice, shame on me.

 

Never EVER consider taking someone back unless you know with 100% accuracy that they have fixed the issues that caused the breakup to begin with.

 

And never EVER take them back if they cheated. Sorry, that's the deal breaker IMHO.

 

THIS ABOVE IS THE BEST ADVICE. YOU MUST NOT GET INVOLVED AGAIN. RIGHT NOW, TIME IS WHAT BOTH OF YOU NEED.

 

He needs help and therapy. The steroids do not help either. There needs to be a lot of changes, but you are more than likely going down a dark path if you get back in this.

[paleblue]

ok, my thoughts, 1.7 years is not a long time to be with someone. as far as i am concerned that's just getting started. so for it to end after that short amount of time is a red flag to me.

 

second, someone who has a "bad temper" will probably still have a bad temper 8 months later. it might be quelled after reading some books, or while consciously trying to work on it, but it is still there under the surface. it might not take much to make him snap one day.

 

throwing a chair? over what? was it something major? or was it a relatively minor arguement? most peoples psychology (who they are) does not change, and if it does its only after years, or some kind of super traumatic event that makes them see the light.

 

third, getting into dramatic fights monthly is another red flag. as far as i am concerned you should generally be getting along pretty well overall without huge dramatic fights. everyonce in awhile sure, we all blow up at each other, but every month??? why would you put yourself thru that!

 

you might be super attracted to him, but based on what you say here, id have to say its a recepie for disaster. not only emotionally, but it sounds like you could easily wind up being in his line of fire the next time he decides to throw something.

 

i think it was a smart idea for you to leave him also. and i think it would be a smart idea for you to look elsewhere. find someone a little more even tempered, or even keeled in life. this in my opinion is not a healthy relationship.

 

just my two cents.

Edited January 22, 2010 by paleblue

[Chitowngirl]

The smartest thing you ever did was leave this guy. His temper will not improve no matter what he tells you. He's abusive and it's just a matter of time before that chair gets thrown at you. These guys all do the same things when they get dumped. They become remorseful and talk about how much they're learned since you've broken up. It's really nauseating. Oh yeah....and their favorite thing is to create high drama when you're travelling with them. I've seen and heard about this scenario many times and I think it has to do with them thinking they've got you captive, in a sense.

 

If you get back together with him, you'll regret it.

 

WOW - what you said about fights when traveling is interesting!!! Thinking about it...I think we got into a fight every single time we traveled. Scary.

[Chitowngirl]

THIS ABOVE IS THE BEST ADVICE. YOU MUST NOT GET INVOLVED AGAIN. RIGHT NOW, TIME IS WHAT BOTH OF YOU NEED.

 

He needs help and therapy. The steroids do not help either. There needs to be a lot of changes, but you are more than likely going down a dark path if you get back in this.

 

 

Thank you all. Your words have helped me.

[Chitowngirl]

Thank you all. Your words have helped me.

 

well he finally responded to my long email...and what did he say? Just one sentence: "Have you moved to *****?" That certainly didn't give me closure in any way.

[Chitowngirl]

WOW! So I finally asked him for a straight answer, and he came back saying he's had months to think about our relationship and came to the conclusion that we're not compatible.

WHAT?!!?!? He had just said the previous week that we were happy 99% of the time, he regretted telling me to leave and getting into the fight that night, that he never felt so much passion for someone like he did me, that he misses me every day,...

And he says we're not compatible?!?!?! That seems like a lie to me.

Needless to say I was pissed he said that because I don't think it's true. Take away his anger issue and we were great together. I told him he'd have to enter therapy with me and I think that is why he said we're not compatible. If it's a cop out, fine..but geez. If that's what he truely feels then I am so glad I listened to my gut and left that night. He told me to not contact him ever again and he blocked me on facebook. WTH?

It seems he was playing me like a fiddle because I was the one who left him. This is sooo bizarree.....

[Angel1111]

Take away his anger issue and we were great together.

 

Take away the anger issue with every abusive guy out there and all those couples would be great together. This anger thing is huge and runs much deeper than you know. You still underestimate it severely.

 

Yes, he most likely backed down because you mentioned counseling. But it wasn't so much a cop-out on his part as it was a power play, the same as blocking you on facebook. You may have been the one who left but that was negated the moment you became open the idea of getting back together with him and putting yourself in the position of waiting on his response. You simply fed his ego again.

 

All this stuff he does is about exercising power over you - the anger, throwing things, telling you he misses you, blocking you, etc. You should've removed him from facebook right after you left him. Now, he has gotten the joy of being able to act pissy yet again because you left yourself open for it. Please, do not ever put yourself in this position again, don't even communicate with him at all. It's a losing game. If he ever contacts you again (and he probably will), ignore him.

 

These guys do not change their behavior because they enjoy what they do. Power is like a drug to them. If you don't learn anything from this experience, I hope you'll at least take that with you.

 

Btw, my response to his comment about not being compatible would be something like this: "You know, I agree - we're not compatible at all. Thanks for reminding me."

Edited January 28, 2010 by Angel1111

[Chitowngirl]

Wow -- You are soooo right! It was totally YET AGAIN another power trip for him. Wow. How disgusting...he is a sick human being.

 

 

 

Take away the anger issue with every abusive guy out there and all those couples would be great together. This anger thing is huge and runs much deeper than you know. You still underestimate it severely.

 

Yes, he most likely backed down because you mentioned counseling. But it wasn't so much a cop-out on his part as it was a power play, the same as blocking you on facebook. You may have been the one who left but that was negated the moment you became open the idea of getting back together with him and putting yourself in the position of waiting on his response. You simply fed his ego again.

 

All this stuff he does is about exercising power over you - the anger, throwing things, telling you he misses you, blocking you, etc. You should've removed him from facebook right after you left him. Now, he has gotten the joy of being able to act pissy yet again because you left yourself open for it. Please, do not ever put yourself in this position again, don't even communicate with him at all. It's a losing game. If he ever contacts you again (and he probably will), ignore him.

 

These guys do not change their behavior because they enjoy what they do. Power is like a drug to them. If you don't learn anything from this experience, I hope you'll at least take that with you.

 

Btw, my response to his comment about not being compatible would be something like this: "You know, I agree - we're not compatible at all. Thanks for reminding me."

[CaliGuy]

WOW! So I finally asked him for a straight answer, and he came back saying he's had months to think about our relationship and came to the conclusion that we're not compatible.

WHAT?!!?!? He had just said the previous week that we were happy 99% of the time, he regretted telling me to leave and getting into the fight that night, that he never felt so much passion for someone like he did me, that he misses me every day,...

And he says we're not compatible?!?!?! That seems like a lie to me.

Needless to say I was pissed he said that because I don't think it's true. Take away his anger issue and we were great together. I told him he'd have to enter therapy with me and I think that is why he said we're not compatible. If it's a cop out, fine..but geez. If that's what he truely feels then I am so glad I listened to my gut and left that night. He told me to not contact him ever again and he blocked me on facebook. WTH?

It seems he was playing me like a fiddle because I was the one who left him. This is sooo bizarree.....

 

He just wanted to validate himself. Once he knew that you still wanted him, his self-esteem was boosted and he could move on kidding himself that he's "of value".

 

Women do it.

Men do it.

 

It's a quick, cheap self-esteem boost.

[Angel1111]

He just wanted to validate himself. Once he knew that you still wanted him, his self-esteem was boosted and he could move on kidding himself that he's "of value".

 

Women do it.

Men do it.

 

It's a quick, cheap self-esteem boost.

 

What you say is true but, overall, it's dangerous to put this guy in the same category as most men. He's abusive, so everything he does is designed to get at her, to hurt her, to abuse her, and to belittle her.

[nomad0792]

Wow -- You are soooo right! It was totally YET AGAIN another power trip for him. Wow. How disgusting...he is a sick human being.

 

Is this someone you REALLY want to spend the rest of your life with? Do NOT engage this man...it will only bring your more pain -- emotionally and potentially physically if you got back together with him.

[CaliGuy]

What you say is true but, overall, it's dangerous to put this guy in the same category as most men. He's abusive, so everything he does is designed to get at her, to hurt her, to abuse her, and to belittle her.

 

Not disagreeing, I am simply pointing out the reason (perhaps) that he switched directions so fast.

 

Very typical with passive/aggressive people like him.

[Angel1111]

Not disagreeing, I am simply pointing out the reason (perhaps) that he switched directions so fast.

 

Very typical with passive/aggressive people like him.

 

I hear ya. I'm not sure I'd exactly call him passive-aggressive since he has no problem showing his anger, and even throws chairs. He's just a heartbeat away from taking that a step further and throwing that chair in her direction. Guys like this manipulate in every way they can and they get a thrill out of feeling like they have power over someone. They switch directions quickly in order to confuse. When they do this to a woman, she doesn't usually understand it and gets caught in the web.