This goes out to you.....

[DustySaltus]

I know that some of you are sitting there right now thinking about what happened and what you could've done or what they could've done to make things work. Maybe you fell out of love, maybe there were trust issues, maybe you just outgrew each other but regardless of what the circumstances are you need to LEARN from this experience and use it to make you a better person. Trust me, I've learned a lot.

 

I'm 28 and I can say that I have been a part of three significant relationships in my life.

 

J (18-24)

It started with J when I was 18. I met J when I was working at home depot after I transfered schools after losing a basketball scholarship due to injury. It was probably one of the lowest points in my life. It was the first time I could remember having butterflies, you know like every time you see them (even 2 years in) it still feels like the 1st time. We had a lot of great times together but she also had a drug habit with weed that was slowly taking over. I remember the day that my grandfather died, she didn't even show up until much, much later in the day. She also was so high the day I graduated college and thought it was a week later than it really was (what's up with that?) Eventually, we got things back on track until one day she dumped me over the phone....6 years down the drain.

Of course I begged and pleaded for about 2 months but then decided to drop off the face of the earth. Well, of course down the line she wanted to get back together but the DS of 25 was not the DS of 18 anymore. I wasn't a different man who was indifferent towards her. I grew up, FAST...well, at least I thought I did.....

 

C (15-17 & 25-26) C was my high school sweetheart. Well actually, I was her high school sweetheart....I never treated her very well. I was pretty popular in high school and I didn't give her the attention she deserved. I remember one time during a bake sale I ate a piece of cheesecake and she was nearby with one of her friends. I said to one of my friends, "Damn, I love strawberry cheesecake" and the next day she had baked one for me. She was anticipated that I was going to ask her to go to the prom with her and I didn't....I wound up going by myself and that hurt her for years to come. I went away to college and eventually stopped talking to her all together. Until about 8 years later....

 

It was a few months after J and I had broken up. I was a mess and didn't want to be a relationship for the life of me. She called me out of the blue and invited me over for breakfast and damn did she look good. We just caught up on old things and there was really nothing I was expecting besides a friendship. Well, the next day she asked me out to dinner, a few bottles of wine later...I didn't leave her bedroom for almost 48 hours .

 

Over the course of a year she asked me numerous time to be in a relationship with her. She would plan activities, cook for me, do my laundry and even traded bedrooms with her roomate because I complained that her loft bed left me no room. So she got a bigger room, paid more rent and got a queen size bed. I didn't know what I had at the time because I was so jaded about my EX. One day she was in my car and told me that I needed to make a decision. I told her I was still not ready and she got out of the car and I never saw her again.

 

I called her a few months back after the horrible ending to my third relationship (which we'll get into) and she didn't pick up. I emailed her, told her I made a mistake, sent flowers to her at work and she responded with the coldest, most indifferent email I have ever been a part of. I know she loved me, but I don't know if I ever really loved her. And if I would've known that earlier, I would've just let her go instead of breaking her heart. But you know what, I DESERVE IT. I treated her like crap, didn't know what I had until it was gone and I vowed to NEVER let that happen again.......

 

K (17 & 26-28)

I met K in summer camp in 1999. She was the reason I came to LS in the first place. We had a bried summer romance and she was actually the first girl I had ever been with. After the summer we went our seperate ways but then reconnected through facebook. I wound up going to Israel to be with her and went back again a few times before finally asking her to marry me. A lot of people here know my story but it turned out to be one of the worst points in my life. I didn't know who I was anymore. I was dealing with a manipulative, controlling women who didn't want me to be involved in anything that didn't revolve around her. When I finally decided to stand up to her, she gave me an ultimatum. Live here the rest of your life or it's over. And just like that it was over. I never got the ring back, almost lost my job after she tried to get me fired and overall crushed my hopes of ever being in love again. But i picked myself up and dusted myself off. I realized what I WAS capable of when I truly did love someone. And by keeping my anger in check, I never did anything vindictive to her that I regret. She can NEVER take back what she did to me, I can still look at myself in the mirror.

 

Every relationship you have been in no matter how it ends gives you the tools to much more successful ones in the future.

 

If you fail to learn anything from a relationship you have been in you will hurt yourself far more down the line than that initial pain of the breakup.

 

I've dealt with women who loved me unconditionally and conditionally. But now I can spot what I want so much earlier that I don't waste time when I see red flags. And when you are in enough relationships, YOU WILL SEE RED FLAGS....don't ignore them.

 

Don't ever let someone else define who you are. When you meet someone you really like, treat them the way they deserve to be treated every single day. Not just on holidays, birthdays or anniversaries.

 

Everything else will take care of itself. Things do happen for a reason. We all write our own story and it can end however you want it to.

[Ro2Pi]

Thanks DustySaltus. That post made me feel much better

[sedgwick]

I just need to know...why were you so mean to the girl who loved you so much? I was SO good to my ex, loved him unconditionally, told him that, and the answer I received was, "You're just not a musician," which was grounds to walk out on me and never see me again.

 

I loved him like that girl loved you. So what was it about her that wasn't good enough for you? It would help me a lot if I knew, because -- like I'm sure she did -- I have beaten myself up and blamed myself. I've barely left my apartment for two and a half years because he made me feel so worthless, like my bending over backwards and giving the very best I had to give was not good enough, so why should I even try to interact with other human beings? I feel like I'll only bother them the way I bothered him. I don't know if I'll ever be able to believe that anyone could love me now.

 

So yeah...was it just that you saw yourself as better than her? Do you think fondly of her ever, at all?

Edited January 20, 2010 by sedgwick

[McGrupp]

Of course I begged and pleaded for about 2 months but then decided to drop off the face of the earth. Well, of course down the line she wanted to get back together but the DS of 25 was not the DS of 18 anymore.

 

out of curiosity, how long was down the road? (i know i shouldnt ask)

[Dark_of_the_Moon]

Damn Dusty you made me cry.

[DustySaltus]

I just need to know...why were you so mean to the girl who loved you so much? I was SO good to my ex, loved him unconditionally, told him that, and the answer I received was, "You're just not a musician," which was grounds to walk out on me and never see me again.

 

I loved him like that girl loved you. So what was it about her that wasn't good enough for you?

 

So yeah...was it just that you saw yourself as better than her? Do you think fondly of her ever, at all?

 

Well, the first time around I think it was just a product of immaturity. Yeah, I probably thought that I was better than her at first but at the end of the day she was the one who made me shake my head and say. "Hey, you were right. I was an ***hole and I messed up a great thing".

 

There were things about her that irked me. I felt like she was very non-confrontational and too eager to please. i would do something that i knew was wrong and she was too afraid to disagree with me. She was too much of a pushover UNTIL it was too late. I want someone to tell me like it is and she just wasn't capable of that. I didn't leave things because of something she wasn't (like a musician in your situation), I did so because her personality was too laid back for me.

 

So if you took different parts of these women and put them into one person, you would have a good start. But I know I'm no picnic either....

[DustySaltus]

out of curiosity, how long was down the road? (i know i shouldnt ask)

 

2 years and 8 months

[McGrupp]

wow i find that interesting.

 

what did she say out of curiosity after stamping on yer heart?

[MySweetie'sGone]

Bravo! Bravo!

[DiscoChick]

I just need to know...why were you so mean to the girl who loved you so much? I was SO good to my ex, loved him unconditionally,

 

It's funny when you love someone so much and they know it. They tend to stop caring or become overwhelmed. I loved my ex unconditionally. I did so much for him. I don't know why he left me. I sent him one email asking why. He never answered. Oh, well. My friend loves her boyfriend almost as much. She was taking care of him. He went and got a girl pregnant. My cousin's girlfriend is just sweet beyond belief. She has a child by him, but he keeps a girl on his arm and let's her see. I don't know. People, in general, confuse me. Why won't they let themselves be happy? If they are unhappy, why not get out of the relationship before it gets that deep?

[DustySaltus]

wow i find that interesting.

 

what did she say out of curiosity after stamping on yer heart?

 

It happened on super bowl sunday, she called:

 

"Hey, it's been a long time what have you been up to"?

 

Who is this?

 

"It's me J...damn, you forgot me already. Listen i've been thinking about us..."

 

Oh hey, listen I'm cooking for a party, let me get back to you later.....

 

that's it

[paleblue]

It's funny when you love someone so much and they know it. They tend to stop caring or become overwhelmed. I loved my ex unconditionally. I did so much for him. I don't know why he left me. I sent him one email asking why. He never answered. Oh, well. My friend loves her boyfriend almost as much. She was taking care of him. He went and got a girl pregnant. My cousin's girlfriend is just sweet beyond belief. She has a child by him, but he keeps a girl on his arm and let's her see. I don't know. People, in general, confuse me. Why won't they let themselves be happy? If they are unhappy, why not get out of the relationship before it gets that deep?

 

this is so true. i unconditionally loved my ex gf. i used to say her name in my sleep. she broke my heart a year and a half ago. now she just tortures me at work. that's ok - because someday im hoping the tables will turn - Nothing Ever stays the same.

 

now, i am talking to a new girl. not quite sure how i feel, but apparently i am a d**k. she called me a d**k tonight on the phone. i have told her we can just be friends. i tell her she is full of it. i ignore her for days on end, etc, etc., and she is still interested. and our phone conversation ended with... good night dear, i will talk to you tomorrow. i think im falling for her : )

 

ya, people in general, totally confuse me. heck, i even confuse myself.

Edited January 21, 2010 by paleblue

[cheeze]

this is so true. i unconditionally loved my ex gf. i used to say her name in my sleep. she broke my heart a year and a half ago. now she just tortures me at work. that's ok - because someday im hoping the tables will turn - Nothing Ever stays the same.

 

now, i am talking to a new girl. not quite sure how i feel, but apparently i am a d**k. she called me a d**k tonight on the phone. i have told her we can just be friends. i tell her she is full of it. i ignore her for days on end, etc, etc., and she is still interested. and our phone conversation ended with... good night dear, i will talk to you tomorrow. i think im falling for her : )

 

ya, people in general, totally confuse me. heck, i even confuse myself.

 

I think it has something to do with the 'unconditional' bit. WTH I loved my ex unconditionally for 4 years..well almost 4.5 only to be heartbroken. All these years and he didnt have the courage to stand by me. I guess we need to be more selfish in relationships just like them. I'm confused too!

 

Paleblue, I hope the tables turn real fasstt

[twinklecat]

I think it has something to do with the 'unconditional' bit. WTH I loved my ex unconditionally for 4 years..well almost 4.5 only to be heartbroken. All these years and he didnt have the courage to stand by me. I guess we need to be more selfish in relationships just like them. I'm confused too!

 

Paleblue, I hope the tables turn real fasstt

 

I'm starting to think this too. I loved my ex unconditionally, and accepted alot of things I really shouldn't have, and was really there for him - then a year and a half ago starts an affair with my best friend, who he is now with. I guess it's my own fault, he's always been that way, I just didn't see it.

[sedgwick]

but apparently i am a d**k. she called me a d**k tonight on the phone. i tell her she is full of it. i ignore her for days on end

 

Why? What's wrong with her that you would treat her like that? Why, in your mind, is that an acceptable way to treat ANY human being?

 

It just makes me so f*cking angry. So, guys have a girl that loves them with all her heart, and that's the girl they treat like complete sh*t. WHY?!?!?! Are there ANY guys out there who think it might be NICE to be loved?

[twinklecat]

Why? What's wrong with her that you would treat her like that? Why, in your mind, is that an acceptable way to treat ANY human being?

 

It just makes me so f*cking angry. So, guys have a girl that loves them with all her heart, and that's the girl they treat like complete sh*t. WHY?!?!?! Are there ANY guys out there who think it might be NICE to be loved?

 

I'm sure there is, well I like to hope there is!

[DustySaltus]

I truly believe that we all go through at least one relationship where we did everything wrong and the other person still loved us no matter what.

 

I also believe that we go through a relationship where you try to do everything right and sacrifice yourself for that person and it will never be enough.

 

It's tough to go through but I needed to experience these extremes to truly know what being in a meaningful relationship is all about. It's cost me a ton of money, my sanity at times and a few years of my life...but I know down the line it will all be well worth it.

 

And yes I did feel TERRIBLE about what happened with C and she knows that now. I know it was too late but all I could've done was admit that I was wrong. I have to live with my decisions, some good and some bad. But that's what life is all about, making decisions that will help build your character and make you a stronger yet compassionate person down the line.

[HeavenOrHell]

>Things do happen for a reason. We all write our own story and it can end however you want it to.<

 

I always find the things happen for a reason sentence meaningless, who creates this apparent 'reason'? So kids get abused for a reason do they?! People get raped for a reason?

We can write our own story to some extent, but it also depends on events we have no control over, our background, our history, upbringing, whether you were born into a privileged life or one of poverty, etc etc...

[DustySaltus]

>Things do happen for a reason. We all write our own story and it can end however you want it to.<

 

I always find the things happen for a reason sentence meaningless, who creates this apparent 'reason'? So kids get abused for a reason do they?! People get raped for a reason?

We can write our own story to some extent, but it also depends on events we have no control over, our background, our history, upbringing, whether you were born into a privileged life or one of poverty, etc etc...

 

I know it's hard to believe this saying when you are hurting. A few months back if someone would've said this to me I probably would've laughed in their face. It takes a while to come out of the fog. I can't sit here and explain why everything happens in the world but I think that most people here would agree that when things don't work out it's usually for the best somewhere down the line. You meet someone that is a better fit for you. However, if you don't open yourself up to that you won't be able to experience it.

 

I know the world is not all sunshine and rainbows. You may not be able to control anyone else, but you can decide how you want to live your life from this day forward at ANY time You want. Going through adversity breeds the strength and courage to move forward and make a better life for yourself.

[Dark_of_the_Moon]

I try to see things your way Dusty about the above statement...but I wish I could know why these things keep happening.

 

Maybe I dont want this strength and courage....I have lived through 2 suicides and now this heartache and I am tired...so tired of it. Ok I live my life but I just exist. I am very accomplished. I love knowledge and learning things so I have tried to learn as much as I can. I travel and do things. But, I have come to the point where I am asking WHY?

 

Why am I bothering? What is anything for? There is no point. I want to write a happy ending. but I dont think we can write our own ending.

 

I have lost my faith and my way and never think I will find all the pieces of my heart again.

[DiscoChick]

I try to see things your way Dusty about the above statement...but I wish I could know why these things keep happening.

 

Maybe I dont want this strength and courage....I have lived through 2 suicides and now this heartache and I am tired...so tired of it. Ok I live my life but I just exist. I am very accomplished. I love knowledge and learning things so I have tried to learn as much as I can. I travel and do things. But, I have come to the point where I am asking WHY?

 

Why am I bothering? What is anything for? There is no point. I want to write a happy ending. but I dont think we can write our own ending.

 

I have lost my faith and my way and never think I will find all the pieces of my heart again.

 

I'm so sorry. I can only imagine how you feel. I had a friend very similar to you but he succeeded the second time. I really wish he hadn't. You probably think your life is meaningless but there are people that care about you. You have impacted someone you've come across; you just don't know it. Don't let the pain of right now affect the beautiful things you could have in the future. "Let us learn from the past to profit by the present, and from the present to live better in the future." (Wordsworth)

[paleblue]

I think it has something to do with the 'unconditional' bit. WTH I loved my ex unconditionally for 4 years..well almost 4.5 only to be heartbroken. All these years and he didnt have the courage to stand by me. I guess we need to be more selfish in relationships just like them. I'm confused too!

 

Paleblue, I hope the tables turn real fasstt

 

Thanks cheeze : ) . and I think you are right – maybe it does have something to do with the unconditional part. Maybe they think it’s a free pass. We should be more selfish.

 

Why? What's wrong with her that you would treat her like that? Why, in your mind, is that an acceptable way to treat ANY human being?

 

It just makes me so f*cking angry. So, guys have a girl that loves them with all her heart, and that's the girl they treat like complete sh*t. WHY?!?!?! Are there ANY guys out there who think it might be NICE to be loved?

 

Sedgwick, its kind of new, and I am kinda confused about things. she says she wants something with me, but yet we never do anything, its been 4 months and we have never even kissed!!! so I just kinda treat her like a friend, I don’t know what else to do! but then she gets mad if I don’t keep in contact everyday, or call her. I am totally confused!!! so I tell her she is full of it, jokingly, and I did tell her that I will be supportive as a friend, until she feels ready to commit. It is really not as harsh as you think : ) serious : ) i just don’t want to get hurt again so if something is weird I am now a little protective of myself. I don’t want to wind up being road kill again. ya know???

[GrayClouds]

Why? What's wrong with her that you would treat her like that? Why, in your mind, is that an acceptable way to treat ANY human being?

 

It just makes me so f*cking angry. So, guys have a girl that loves them with all her heart, and that's the girl they treat like complete sh*t. WHY?!?!?! Are there ANY guys out there who think it might be NICE to be loved?

 

Some of us are simply immature and in time grow up.

 

Others of us have never really had unconditional love. It is something so different, we fear it. Our behavior to that love, reflects the fear we feel- not love being offered. We push away, the more we push the harder the other tries to proves the love. Which in return make us more and more confused, anxious and fearful, forcing us to totally reject the love just to feel safe.

 

Sadly the one who loves feels rejected. Though they are not without their issues.

 

They are drawn to this damaged individual. For they are not confident in their own worth, our won fear of true intimacy. Rather then choosing someone who can accept them, they choose someone who will ultimately reject them, to only reinforces negative attitudes about themselves.

 

Conversely, Someone healthy knows they do not have to try this hard to prove their love in a relationship. They can see the difference between someone who can accept real love and someone who is damaged.

 

This is why it is important to focus on yourself to understand why we were drawn to the people we were drawn to. If someone who broke up with us because we did not play a fiddle, then that is incredible shallow. Why would we be drawn to someone who lives only on that level?

Edited January 21, 2010 by GrayClouds