Verbally and Emotionally abused?

[GypsyRayne]

I believe my husband verbally and emotionally abuses me, he says I nag him and I cause him to say the things he says to me.

 

We have been married almost 4 years, in this time he has told me over and over that he doesn't want to be married to me, that he doesn't love me, that he only married me because I pushed him, etc.

 

I find that if I always agree with him, he is not as bad. I am not allowed to express my thoughts or opinions or I risk being yelled at, threatened, called names.

 

He got mad at me last night because I voiced my opinion about something and told me he didn't want to be with someone like me, he said I thought you were a strong woman, but you're not. You have no ambitions.

 

The truth is I used to be a strong woman, but he has destroyed everything that I was. All the while blaming it on me because I nag(talk) to him about things that he thinks are wrong.

 

One thing is that I want him to spend time with me, he says to me average out the things I do with you in a year and it is plenty. Married people don't do things together very much. Because I try to talk to him about these things I am a nagging wife, never satisfied.

 

I come home from work with a "sad' look on my face, worried maybe and he says why can't you come home with a happy face. To me it is because I can't relax, he has been nice to me for 2 or 3 days and I wonder when, not if it is going to be the day it ends.

 

He told me today that he treats me the way he does because that is what I have earned from him. How did I earn this and how does one earn better?

 

He often says to me, what are you stupid, can't you open your mouth and tell me this or that, whatever he may be talking about at the time, but I clsoe down, I figure if I don't talk, he will stop.

 

When he yells and screams at me, telling me that he doesn't want me, that I am this or that, I cry. I always cry. And he makes fun of me for crying. I don't want to cry, but the tears always come, making him angrier than before.

 

I know I should leave, but the house is mine. We work at the same place and everyone there thinks he is absolutly wonderful, often telling me I am so lucky to have such a good man.

 

The men sometimes say to me things like, can husband, do this or go there, they say these things to him also, trying to be funny, but they don't know that when I get home I have to pay for the things they have said.

 

I am slowly dying inside, I am broken.

[PinkToes]

Sweetie, I am so sorry you are going through this. You are correct that he is verbally and emotionally abusing you, and it is absolutely not your fault. He wants you to believe all the problems are your fault, because that's how he controls you. This sort of behavior is all about control.

 

If you are living with him in your house, can you ask him to move out? Or perhaps you can start to look for another job? Think about some small steps you can take to change the situation, because he will not change his behavior. Do you have a support system of family or friends?

[TaraMaiden]

Phukk asking him.

 

One day, take a day off when you know he will be out, put all his stuff outside the front door, change the locks, put a dead-bolt on the door, and put the divorce papers on his stuff.

 

That will show him who's strong.

And it's not him.

Bullying is a weak man's show of strength.

he's weak, shallow and has worn you down through his frankly nasty and insidiously abusive behaviour.

If the house is yours - take it.

File papers, and serve them as soon as you can.

And find a good locksmith!

 

You go honey, take your life back!!

[LuckyLady13]

Gypsy, yes, this is verbal and emotional abuse but what I see written all over this more than anything is manipulation.

 

He's told you in so many ways that you're being a pain if you want anything from him. Wanting a good relationship, a good marriage and a good life are not at all too much to ask. These are normal things for you to desire in life. You're not getting this with him and you've tried to speak up about it. He's just trying to shut you down with manipulation tactics because he's too lazy to step up to the plate and change for the better.

 

He's putting everything on you so he doesn't have to do anything and also, to knock you off balance and leave you questioning yourself constantly rather than taking action and control of your own life.

 

Just because he's accomplished this with you so far doesn't mean today isn't a totally different day. This doesn't mean you won't wake up tomorrow and take control of your situation and your life.

 

It's okay to want a good marriage and a good life. It's okay to want to go home to a safe and comfortable place where you're happy.

 

Start taking your life back!

[deux ex machina]

This is abuse. You are recognizing the patterns.

 

You have the right to your own agency, and he is a destructive influence.

[HeyThere]

I had to stop reading this post in the middle, it is that painful. First off I’m so sorry that you find yourself here now. Secondly, you should be proud of yourself for being able to recognize the situation and reach out. You are not broken; you are strong enough to stand up for yourself.

 

I agree with everything TaraMaiden states and then some.

 

The longer you wait to kick his sorry ass out, only more resentment will build up at men in general. He gives my kind a bad name.

 

And for what’s it worth don’t take him back, no matter how much he begs. He has serious issues.

[Eve]

I am glad that you have shared yourself here. Please find someone to talk to in real life tomorrow via a helpline. Make it a gift to yourself.

 

This is abuse.

 

Take care,

Eve xx

[ssuzanness]

gypsyrayne.....yes..as everyone has said..this is abuse..i have been there..i am there..slowly getting out..getting stronger..it's hard...although i'm not married, it's still so hard....i have a thread.."emotionally abusive relationship"...maybe reading it you'll find some helpful advice..as i did...throughout the thread different people suggested different web sites to check out...all of which is very helpful..and can help make you stronger....good luck!!!!!

[bethykins]

This is definitely emotional abuse, and there is an obvious way to end it. However, I know personally how difficult "ending" it can be. You may feel obligated to stay because of your responsibilities to your home, you may feel guilty about doing it because you don't want to hurt him even if he has never taken into consideration that what he says hurts you. You may feel like you over-reacted in your response to his boarishness even though the normal reaction to abusive behavior is to be offended (imagine if he were in public and said this to you, think of a stranger's reaction to the same thing). I know that one thing an emotionally abusive man does is hurt and scar with words, manipulation, and coldness and then acts completely aloof and acts like YOU are the crazy one for crying. And if you reach out to somebody for support, he convinces whoever it was you talked to that you are being too sensitive, that he was just joking, or he didn't really mean it. Then your social network is deprived, so you cannot go to anyone because you feel dysfunctional and no one will believe you when you are hurt.

 

I'm speaking from experience obviously. Try to search for a new job. Do it when he does not know. Look for something nearby. If you don't have a degree then sign up for college and financial aid. He'll likely be threatened by your assertiveness. Ignore it. Blatantly tell him it's your life and you'll do what you want. And if he has a problem with it, point at the door. The problem is you are allowing him to steamroll you. You need to take your strength back. If he gets confrontational, do it back. If he threatens to leave you, say "Fine. Bye." Believe me, he'll get the picture.

[Ashkayi]

Oh my good ness, for a minute there i thought i was reading my own words.. I want to share something with you.. I go through this everyday.. Every single day I go through the sarcasm, the hateful tones, the hurtful words, etc. He jumps on me because I dont smile like i used too. I dont smile because i dont want too, i dont want to smile at someone who hurts me worse than i have ever been hurt in 29 years of my life. When I speak my mind, he says im a b***h. He has told me he hates me, that he hopes I rot in hell, you name it, ive been through it. Tax time is here and of course im getting back more money than him and hes already trying to work on me about not spending anything for my own birthday (which is friday) and how noone ever gets him anything.. Which is completely false, last year he got money and his parents got him a cake, last tax time he bought himself all sorts of things, and before that he spent almost 5000 dollars on himself and his ex wife came after it and i paid the rest of the money to HER!!!!! He doesnt buy me anything, he doesnt even act like half the time im even his fiance. He treats e literally like im in out vagina and he has no use for me unless we are having sex. I know what its like to look at someone and love them more than anything in the world, and they say something like, "dont put the hot food in the fridge" and im like, "i know not to do that" and snicker and they get overraged about it and act like a 4 year old child because i spoke up. Everyone in his family knows how he is, I was the other woman when he left his wife, and he wanted to make her think we were so happy, then the newness wore off and im stuck in a complete nightmare that i cant get out of. We are suppose to get married, and i voiced my opinion about not having enough money to go to the virgin islands for our honey moon and he was mad at me for two days about it, and im paying for the entire wedding.. then had the nerve to come up with almost 10000 dollars worth of stuff to buy, with out taking into consideration that 8000 of that is mine and again, i still have a wedding to pay for that im almost to the point where i dont want to do it.. If you need anyone to talk to, im here, i know what you are going through and i, as well as you, am very alone with noone to talk to.. Good luck

[TaraMaiden]

and im paying for the entire wedding.. then had the nerve to come up with almost 10000 dollars worth of stuff to buy, with out taking into consideration that 8000 of that is mine and again, i still have a wedding to pay for that im almost to the point where i dont want to do it..

 

....What...?

 

Say WHAT - ?!!??

 

WTF do you mean, "Almost at the point" where you don't want to do it...??

You're kidding, right?

I mean, you have to be damn well near friccking kidding me!!

 

You cannot even be thinking of going ahead with this at all, surely??

 

No way, for goodness' sake....

Absolutely no way!

 

You may think you have no-one to talk to, but you just did.

And you have to stop this, right now.

 

JUST

 

WALK

 

AWAY - !!!

 

It really is -

Truly is -

 

THAT simple.

[1Angel]

Change is scary. You won't get out of this until the pain of staying becomes more than the fear of the unknown, and getting out.

People can say do this, but it has to come from you. YOU have to take the first step. It is not easy but you CAN do it. Lean on family and friends.

Call a womens shelter. These people are there to help you in whatever you need. Don't settle for this treatment any longer. You are worth so much more than this.

[sedgwick]

im stuck in a complete nightmare that i cant get out of.

 

im paying for the entire wedding.

 

i still have a wedding to pay for

 

im almost to the point where i dont want to do it

 

Okay, PLEASE, PLEASE take a moment to read these sentences again and try to see that there's a major disconnect. Why on earth do you feel compelled to marry this guy?!?!

 

Both you and the OP are being abused. Abuse is not okay. You MUST find it in yourselves to leave if you ever want to have a halfway decent life. I understand that these types of guys beat down your self-esteem, but at this point it's not about esteem, it's about PRESERVATION.

 

You are not "stuck in a nightmare [you] can't get out of" as long as you still have legs to walk to the door and hands to turn the doorknob.

[Meaplus3]

I believe my husband verbally and emotionally abuses me, he says I nag him and I cause him to say the things he says to me.

 

I am slowly dying inside, I am broken.

 

First of all NO one deserves to be abused in any way.. and if he is verbally attacking you.. you need to put a stop to it. I feel for you, as I was in same shoes for many years. It hurts like H*** and cuts real deep into a persons sense of self. Don't go down like a sinking ship sweetie.. put a plan in action to make a change. The first thing you can do is see if he is willing to go to some sort of anger management therapy. Do you think he would do that?

 

Mea:)

Edited February 16, 2010 by Meaplus3
add a word.