Relationship about to end, but I don't know if I want it to or not

[HopelesslyConfused]

Hello,

I have posted here at LS.org about problems with my g/f before, and the overwhelming advice was to leave her. She and I have had major trust and emotional abuse issues (she's guilty for about 75%) and she has a drinking problem as well. We have been together over 4 years now and lived together about half that time. About a month ago, we had "the talk" where I explained that I couldn't marry her until the trust and abuse issues were resolved (I didn't even mention the booze). She said she didn't want to wait around for me anymore and that she thought I was making excuses for not marrying her, so she decided to move out (something she had been threatening to do periodically for the better part of a year). In her previous attempts to leave, I begged her not to and in the end, she always stayed. However, as part of trying to better myself to try and make this relationship work, I discovered that my pleading for her to stay was a form of controlling (and downright pathetic) behavior. So this time, I told her I would prefer for her to stay and work things out but that I wouldn't oppose her moving out because she needed to do what she thought was best for her. So, she did (move out). However, we agreed to stay together as a couple at least for the holidays. During that time, however, she constantly criticized me for "letting her" move out, how it was all my fault that she left (which is an new twist on her continually saying that our relationship problems were all my fault), and that she resented me for letting things end up like this. Then, she would turn around and say how much she loves me and misses me! She would call in the middle of the night, unable to sleep because she was sad and lonely.

 

Well, after a fairly good holiday where we spent a considerable amount of time together, we had another talk yesterday where she told me that after January 1st, it's over and we're "just friends". She again asked why I couldn't marry her, insisting that there must be more than what I had told her before (because that, obviously, wasn't a good enough justification for her). I told her that the trust and abuse issues were what's holding us back, and that I also wasn't happy with her excessive drinking. She again got mad at me, saying that I was still making excuses, and that since she put up with all the things I had done wrong that I should accept her for her faults. But then, not much later, she was sad and saying she would miss me and was sorry things weren't working out. However, she still hasn't waivered that Thursday is the end.

 

Up until now, I had decided that it probably was best for both of us to let this relationship go, and although it hurt alot and I was sad, I was pretty confident about my decision. But I've really been doing some soul-searching over the past month, and I know that she really loves me deeply and desperately wants to spend the rest of her life with me, and I love and care about her, too, and if we could resolve these issues, I would love to spend my life with her, too. I know this breakup will be really hard on her, and I don't want to hurt her. I admit that she has made sacrifices and has put up with some things I've done (nothing as terrible as she thinks, though), but at the same time, her criticism, accusations, and drinking have really destroyed my interest in this relationship. Yet, I find myself wanting to keep trying, to not let things end now, to not let her go. Now that the clock is running down, I am looking at things and saying, "Should I keep trying? Do I really want this to end?" I think about all the good times, all the good things she did for me, and how much I'm disappointing her, and I really want to keep trying harder. But then, I remember the torture and the heartache that I've felt for the past year and how nice it would be to get away from it, and how nice it would be to find someone to start over with. But then again, I think about how she's going to feel, how she's going to remember 20 years from now how I was the "one who got away", and it breaks my heart.

 

So, I'm in a major dilemma-- it seems as though I no longer have a choice; that she's made up her mind to end it. Yet, I still hold out hope that maybe she'll change her mind. But, I can't even make up my own mind about whether I want to stay or go. Is there anyone out there who is or has been this confused? What should I do?

[Errol]

Let her go. Just because she leaves now doesn't mean that its the end of the world. Live a little and experience some more of life. You can always contact her in a few months if you really feel that you need to - or maybe after you two get away from each other for a while your feelings will change.

 

Her line about making excuses sounds like denial or refusing to see something that she doesn't agree with. She doesn't want to address the problems, thereby devaluing your honest concerns as though your feelings mean nothing. If she honestly cared for you she would not do that.

 

Let her go and move on -- something better is ahead.