midlifecrisis Posted December 29, 2003 Share Posted December 29, 2003 I both love and hate the way I'm feeling right now. My stomach is full of butterflies, can't sleep well, can't concentrate on work (as you can tell, 'cause I'm on this forum instead of working!), coffee sends me over the edge..... From what I've gathered, this is not normal behavior for a person who is a "seasoned" 40 year old!!! For those of you who haven't read my posts.... I have met a great woman about 2 weeks ago.... stunningly beautiful, totally compatible personality, etc. We hit it off *extremely* well, have verbalized this to each-other, and have been quite passionate with each-other. Our 4th date was last Tuesday. My biggest problem right now is that from my perspective, seeing her constantly wouldn't be enough!! Unfortunately, this is the holidays, and she is a very busy mom who wants to be very discrete when it comes to exposing her kids to her new relationship. This means that arranging a date right now is near-impossible, and even e-mails and phone-calls are quite light -- I hope because she is always around her kids. Anyway, my mind is playing horrible tricks on me. Whenever there is more than 24 hours of no e-mails or the phone, I assume the worst. She's had second thoughts, met someone better, I said/did something to scare her off..... On the latter, I did fire-off 3 notes within hours of each-other. The last note I wrote was to tell her that I refused the "matchmaking" help of a friend at a party I went to because, although things for us were just getting started, I wanted to focus on one person at a time. I've re-read my notes at least 20 times, and I fluctuate from thinking "no biggie -- nice note!" to "oh my gawd.... she's going to think I'm obsessive". As you can probably tell, I have had self-esteem issues in the past. I've been relatively successful in love, but I always have to work really hard at not letting my inner deamons convince me that I'm not worthy.... I need a chill pill! A recipie for success! A way to convince myself that either succeeding or failing with this new woman is OK. Help! Link to post Share on other sites
jmargel Posted December 29, 2003 Share Posted December 29, 2003 Ahh.. you are falling hard for this woman. Which is cool, but you need to relax some. If you show all of this to her, you'll scare her away. Imagine her acting like this towards you? How would you feel? Glad you two are hitting it off, but coming from someone like yourself at times the best advice I can offer you is don't let your fears dictate your relationship. If you do, then your relationship won't work. Trust her! What has she done to make you think otherwise? Also, don't play head games. Why did you send her that note about the match making? If you feel bad about it, the best thing I can suggest is DO NOTHING. If you start sending apologies because of it she'll think you're a little crazy. Just play things by ear, it might not work out, but then again there's a good chance it will. When you feel this anxious start doing something to take your mind off of things. When things get to me I usually post on here, and somone along the way will straighten me out. Just be cool, she apparently likes you & wants to see where things will go, so just go with the flow. Link to post Share on other sites
Author midlifecrisis Posted December 29, 2003 Author Share Posted December 29, 2003 Thanks jmargel -- I am falling hard for her. And thanks for the suggestion that I not send any apologies. I'll try to calm myself down and see what happens. The ball is in her court now, so I just need to sit-tight and wait. Link to post Share on other sites
EnigmaXOXO Posted December 29, 2003 Share Posted December 29, 2003 The last note I wrote was to tell her that I refused the "matchmaking" help of a friend at a party I went to because, although things for us were just getting started, I wanted to focus on one person at a time. Oops. It may not be beneficial to your goal at this point to reveal this kind of information. Of course, as a healthy bachelor, you will always have romantic ‘options.’ There will always be attempts at fix-ups by well meaning friends until the two of you have finally established yourself as a couple. But making the object of your attraction privy to such facts may not work in your behalf. Some woman don’t like to know that they are in competition to win a man’s affection. Learning that your friends are still trying to fix you up with other potential dates may plant a seed of doubt which might make her feel insecure as well. Even if you proclaim that you are forgoing all other romantic options in her behalf, she may still misinterpret it as pressure tactics to make a decision…or else. This will do little to win her favor and make her want to grab onto that brass ring. One thing I’ve learned, is to never present yourself as the ‘prize’ in a romantic conquest. Rather turn it around and make her feel as if she is the only romantic prospect within your scope of awareness. However, some finesse will be required in order to achieve a sense of balance so as not to come off seeming desperate and needy. Courtship is a delicate dance that requires grace and careful steps. If you try to push too hard, or lead too fast, you risk stepping on toes. And if this happens, your partner will only dig her heals in deeper and prepare herself for the stand-off. Just relax, midlife, and try not to get too far ahead of yourself. You’re doing just fine! And GOOD LUCK from another hopeless romantic who finally found love again at forty! Link to post Share on other sites
Author midlifecrisis Posted December 29, 2003 Author Share Posted December 29, 2003 Enigma, Thanks for your thoughtful reply. As you can guess, I felt a short pang of panic at your confirmation that I divulged a little *too* much to her. Oh well, it is what it is. I just hope I get the chance to either (a) learn that I don't need a recovery, or (b) recover gracefully. Insecurity is surely a poison to a developing relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
EnigmaXOXO Posted December 29, 2003 Share Posted December 29, 2003 Insecurity is surely a poison to a developing relationship. Shoot. EVERYBODY has insecurities, and don't ever kid yourself that they don't. Particularly when it comes to inter-personal relationships...whether with friends, family, romantic partners, work colleagues or strangers on the street. That's the funny part about us humans. No matter how many of us there are, or how big our social circles, we all feel frightened, isolated, and alone...trapped inside our own little realms of consciousness. And sadly, it is this very fear and insecurity which keeps us from stepping outside ourselves and achieving our full potentials. Link to post Share on other sites
Author midlifecrisis Posted December 29, 2003 Author Share Posted December 29, 2003 Just got a "Hi -- hope you are having a good day" note from her.... I think my blood pressure just dropped back into the normal range.... Link to post Share on other sites
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