Second chances are pointless

[HeavenOrHell]

I took my ex back twice 9 years ago and then he left again after another 9 years, hence my cynicism after all the things he told me, ie couldn't live without me would never leave me again, made him cringe when he thought about it (leaving me), and why did he ever leave me (his words).

Don't take any notice of me, sorry, I'm in the anger phase.

 

 

Personally, I don't believe in second chances... as much as I want them (or claim to)... but your statement is morbid. I want to cry suddenly...

[HeavenOrHell]

Sorry forgot my link to my OP;

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t207950/

 

V. long though, sorry.

[HeavenOrHell]

He said he couldn't give me what I need as a partner anymore, that my neglect the last 3 years "wore away his feelings for me bit by bit."

He still loves me, but assuming not in love, otherwise he would be here still. A few weeks before saying he wasn't sure how he felt about me anymore I asked him if he was still in love with me and he said "umm, not sure about in love but love you and it's gone into something deeper." That same month he said he couldn't believe he'd left me years ago and that he would never leave me again.

When he left 9 years ago he said he wasn't in love with me, that we'd got into a rut, but when he came back he said in hindsight he was still in love but told himself he wasn't as it made it easier for him to walk away.

When he said last year that he wasn't sure how he felt I said if you leave this time will it be final, ie do you feel different this time? And he said yes, I can't muck you about anymore, so I took that to mean not in love. Muck me about as in we were in limbo for 3 or 4 months last year while he decided how he felt (he went to Relate several times) and I ran around trying to make things work, but he kept saying I'm worried it's too late.

After those months of uncertainty I said to him I can't cope with this much longer, then later that day he said it's best if he goes then.

 

 

 

>So he's come back before. Proof reconcilliations can happen I s'pose you could say.

 

You said he's 'fallen out of love'. Did he tell you that?

 

If the two of you have been in love, happy and secure before (for a long time as well), it's unlikely that it's all just dissapeared.<

 

That's not surprising really considering you were together for what, 18 years? Are u still in contact with him? Is he with someone else? Why did he leave on previous occasions? I'm asking a lot of questions I know but I can't remember ur story (and I'm too lazy to look for it!).

[HeavenOrHell]

No he's not with someone else, yet. Yes we meet most weeks for dinner etc and have a nice, silly time together, as always.

When he left years ago he said we were in a rut, when he came back the second time we improved things and were much more solid, he said so too, until a few years ago when my work at home took over and I had no time for him or my friends, or anything else, I remember thinking I don't even time to send a text, or fart! I would literally have so many jobs which needed doing at once I would spin in a circle thinking where the hell do I start, I ran myself into the ground and was heading for a breakdown-judging by the shakes and the panic.

[HeavenOrHell]

Thanks for understanding hun. My ex had a lot of childhood trauma, which probably doesn't help.

 

I feel your pain HeavenOrHell. My ex and I broke up 6 months ago and I've dated other guys but all of them seem to be missing something. My ex wasn't missing anything really except a few screws but that was mainly due to some childhood trauma. Anyway, I still love him with all my heart and he knows it. They say distance doesn't create issues but that's pure bulls**t. That's where all our troubles started, being apart and thus I know if we were together things would be awesome. They always were when we were with each other. But you may find in time you'll be over your ex or you may find like me, that there is no one else out there in the world who is as awesome as him. Sure you may find someone who is second best, but what's second best when you've had the creme de la creme, even if it is a close second? But be patient, he may come back, he may not. In the meantime try not to dwell on the fact that he's gone. Go meet new people, experience new things, and try to remove this bitterness from your heart. Because if he does come back you won't want all that resentment built up inside you if you plan on having a reconcilliation that will work.

[Nuala83]

There, I've read it. It was long

 

Are the two of you still in contact or not? At least the 2 of you didn't break up due to cheating or anything like that. You kept mentioning things like 'being in a rut' and 'him feeling neglected' etc etc. Sounds like he was maybe just bored. perhaps you lost who you were. You also mentioned losing contact with friends and stuff so perhaps you've changed quite a bit from the person he fell in love with. If I'm wrong about any of this, just say so.

 

As for the trust thing, I'm not convinced you should ever put all your trust into a relationship. I know many people will disagree with me here but I think it's dangerous to put so much into a relationship that you're left with very little else because then if it does collapse, what are you left with? I've made that mistake. Won't be doing it again in a hurry!

 

Oh and by the way, I wanna hear less of this 'what's the point' 'I'll never trust anyone or believe them when they tell me they love me' attitude. I know you're hurt but self pity is bad for you. I dunno if your ex will return or not but your outlook on life will have an influence and a negative/defeatist attitude will ruin any possible chance.

[Nuala83]

I remember thinking I don't even time to send a text, or fart!

 

Bahahahahahaaaaaaaaa!

 

You didn't even have time to send a fart!!!

 

You should make time to fart

[HeavenOrHell]

Send a fart!

I have plenty of time to fart now I'm vegetarian so lots of beans

 

Bahahahahahaaaaaaaaa!

 

You didn't even have time to send a fart!!!

 

You should make time to fart

[ADF]

You are half right. You should never take back a dumper, but not because all love is doomed. That's not so. You should never take back a dumper because doing so send a mesage that you are a weak, needy person ready to grovel at the feet of someone who rejected you.

[HeavenOrHell]

Yep, sorry about the length:rolleyes:

Yes still in contact, before he left he said he was terrified of losing me altogether. We still get on so well.

I think it's quite easy to get into a rut in a long term relationship. I have always had a busier life than him and he used to look to me for pretty much all of his fulfilment, I used to wish he had a job or more friends, but didn't know I would be dumped when he did. We both could have made more effort to do things together though. Actually yes I did see less of my friends for about 3 years, because I was so busy with work, but made up for it the last 2 years.

No, I didn't lose who I was, I didn't give up any of the rest of my life when I met him, I kept seeing my friends etc, actually so busy that he gave that as reason I lost him last year, he no longer felt important, felt he was living on the edge of my life and not part of it, he said the passion was missing now too, which is true as I was too tired, stressed or busy the last 3 years to make much time for it.

I never felt I had all my eggs in one basket, but I did reduce a lot of the things in my life last year when I was trying to put things right with him, I wanted to devote my time to me and him as we needed it, so by the time he left I'd whittled my life down, when he left I felt a million times worse than I even imagined I would feel, I thought at least I would have all the other stuff in my life like my job, but all of it seemed to lose meaning as I'd lost him, so he had been the most important thing in my life after all, I've been trying to rebuild my life up again, but I just don't feel happy anymore.

It's not easy getting the balance of job, friends, partner, hobbies etc right

I wanted him to know I've found the break up hard, cos he said he thought I would be over him in two weeks!

 

 

There, I've read it. It was long

 

Are the two of you still in contact or not? At least the 2 of you didn't break up due to cheating or anything like that. You kept mentioning things like 'being in a rut' and 'him feeling neglected' etc etc. Sounds like he was maybe just bored. perhaps you lost who you were. You also mentioned losing contact with friends and stuff so perhaps you've changed quite a bit from the person he fell in love with. If I'm wrong about any of this, just say so.

 

As for the trust thing, I'm not convinced you should ever put all your trust into a relationship. I know many people will disagree with me here but I think it's dangerous to put so much into a relationship that you're left with very little else because then if it does collapse, what are you left with? I've made that mistake. Won't be doing it again in a hurry!

 

Oh and by the way, I wanna hear less of this 'what's the point' 'I'll never trust anyone or believe them when they tell me they love me' attitude. I know you're hurt but self pity is bad for you. I dunno if your ex will return or not but your outlook on life will have an influence and a negative/defeatist attitude will ruin any possible chance.

[HeavenOrHell]

Well I took him back twice, but he did the grovelling not me!

Taking him back just meant I still loved him and had faith in our relationship.

Too much pride is not always a good thing.

 

 

You are half right. You should never take back a dumper, but not because all love is doomed. That's not so. You should never take back a dumper because doing so send a mesage that you are a weak, needy person ready to grovel at the feet of someone who rejected you.

[Nuala83]

Well I took him back twice, but he did the grovelling not me!

Taking him back just meant I still loved him and had faith in our relationship.

Too much pride is not always a good thing.

 

Couldn't agree more. I don't buy the 'never take a dumper back' argument. Relationships are complicated, people are complicated and sometimes they make mistakes. Sometimes people don't even see the break up as a mistake, rather as something that needed to happen so things would change. It differs.

[Nuala83]

It's interesting that he's scared of losing you altogether. Cutting contact may be the best thing for a while. Do you think being in contact is doing you more harm than good at the moment?

[HeavenOrHell]

I think most people here who know my story would say I've felt worse because I still see him, the reason I agreed to keep in touch is because I felt bad about my neglect towards him and wanted to show him I do care and that I have time for him, I wanted to see if spending time together after knowing what the problems were and learning from our mistakes might bring us closer. As far as I'm concerned the problems are not insurmountable.

I'm caught between a rock and a hard place, I love seeing him but it's also painful as I still love him, but if we cut all contact that is painful too, the thought really scares me as he is my best friend and has been for half my life, we are so like minded, click so well, that the world would feel horribly lonely without him.

 

 

It's interesting that he's scared of losing you altogether. Cutting contact may be the best thing for a while. Do you think being in contact is doing you more harm than good at the moment?

[sean1970]

I'm caught between a rock and a hard place, I love seeing him but it's also painful as I still love him, but if we cut all contact that is painful too, the thought really scares me as he is my best friend and has been for half my life, we are so like minded, click so well, that the world would feel horribly lonely without him.

 

Yes, we do know your story fairly well. We just hate to see you put yourself through this... Not seeing that, while initially painful, separation will eventually heal you to where you dont feel this all the time. I think fear of loneliness motivates you more than the potential loneliness itself.

[McGrupp]

im wondering HoH if we cant find a solution to your feelings.

 

like how often do you see him?

 

how are th conversations?

 

is he seeing anyone else?

 

maybe he loves the ego stroke now that you worship him and he knows it.

 

before you didnt. idk it might be time to walk away

[HeavenOrHell]

Thanks It's up to me somehow cope though isn't it

We meet about once a week, text in between, he's phoned me more lately.

We talked about our relationship for about the first month after he left, he kept saying to let him know how I feel and if he could help in any way.

We don't talk about our relationship now, although he did ask if I was still seeing relationship therapist, last week, I said I am, and then we talked a bit about our relationship and he still sounds hurt. We talk about general stuff and watch our fave comedies, eat dinner, play our fave game, (backgammon).

Still caught between wanting him as a partner, but it's not enough, but the though of not seeing him is awful. I would feel even lonelier for him than I do now. But Sean1970 is prob right, I think he said that the loneliness I fear wouldn't be as bad as what I feel now?

Ugh.

How you doing now?

 

 

im wondering HoH if we cant find a solution to your feelings.

 

like how often do you see him?

 

how are th conversations?

 

is he seeing anyone else?

 

maybe he loves the ego stroke now that you worship him and he knows it.

 

before you didnt. idk it might be time to walk away

[tnttim]

I don't feel better off without HIM, I feel I should be with him still.

I don't think I could trust anyone again, if he left after all that, then how do I not be insecure about any future partners?

I wasn't insecure with my ex as we felt so secure and solid, well we WERE for so long.

 

I have learned a lot through my hellish 8 months. Here's another, you have to trust yourself before you can trust another reguardless of what they have done. Just look at all the people who seemed trapped here, looking for the answer to their problems, or justifying their choices.(I'm one) Once you trust yourself and your choices, then you can truly trust again. You have to remember most people found out the OP dirty laundry and it shook their trust in themselves first. Why? we all thought everything was fairly peachy when they dropped the bomb. Now we don't even trust our own perception on reality.