a feeling of losing myself

[Windblue]

Hello, I've been looking around on this site for some time. I am very nervous to write my dilema, but I need some advice.

 

I've dealt with a MM since Nov. 1st of 2009. Here's my history. I"ve been single for at least 2 years...and am trying to work on myself.

His history. He has been married for about 11 yrs. He has a son who's 7 and stepkids. He married on the merrit that she would help him get his immigration papers...then his son came later. Over the years however, he keeps getting denied for whatever she's doing. Our history. We dated about 18 years ago when I was 17 and he was 21. I ran away because he said he loved me and I just wasn't ready for that.

 

Now we haven't seen each other since and he ran into my sister. My sister gives me the number, but I never call it because I thought it was this other guy that I wanted nothing to do with. (they both have the same name) so, then I then call a couple months later, because I had heard that someone in his family had passed. and it was my ex, not the other guy I thought it was. So we go out for dinner to catch up (Halloween night, next thing you know...we're going out...then he invites me to his mothers house for Thanksgiving, then again just for a dinner (myself and my daughter) he's worked in my area since we first met, and I've live there all my life...so when we hooked back, we called it fate, because it just seemed to be too funny.

 

Anyways, please bare with me, I know this is long and boring. Now, when we first started talking he said that his wife is really ill, and that he was leaving that house because he couldn't take her **** anymore. He says he's still there for his son. and that he's screwed because his wife already told him that if he leaves that she will call immigration on him. (he has his son, family and he owns a business here in the states) So, we spend New Years together, and he tells me that he's moving out. Then he harrasses me to get him an application in my complex so that he can get things started. Then a week later, things have come to a halt. He's no longer looking for a place (that I know of). We see each other EVERY day...because he works up the block from my house. He goes as far as to bring me food from his mother house, he hates when I leave my daughter home by herself when we go out, but I refuse to let her be a part of this if it's a game.

 

So now, we have a conversation last week, because I felt like I had to revisit the issue and know what's going on. Let me just say, I've NEVER messed with anyone's man. I always felt that I could get my own man, I DO NOT SHARE. However, I guess I figured that becuse his situation was so screwed that this may be a different case. But, now I'm not so sure. I hurt, but he reassures me, he calls me all the time, he sees me on holidays ( him and his family) and I don't ask him to see him, he always wants to see me, he won't let a day go by that he won't see me. When he doesn't call, I wonder, when he doesn't see me (which is not often) I wonder. I hate this...I'm not used to it. But, I've always wanted him...Can someone pleasssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssse help me out. I'm soooooooooo confused. We talked the other night and I had to ask some questions. I asked do you think low of me for dating you, like you can take advantage of me? he said no...I want you in my life, I want more children with you and a future..(his exact words, that I'm trying not to linger on) I asked...do you love her/in love with her...he said no...would you hurt me to spare her feelings...he said never...I care to much about your feelings...I have no intention of hurting you. I asked...what if you wife saw us in the street, what would you do...he said he'd keep walking, that he doesn't acknowledge her. He also has set up Valentines day for us, and said just bring yourself...I'll take care of everything.

 

what do I do? It's really officially only been 2 full months. I guess I should give him time to do his thing...I will not/CAN NOT WAIT as long as I've seen some of you ladies wait...I'm giving it until the summer...at the same time...I still have an old boyfriend on call when I need to take my mind off of my lover.

 

Help...

Windblue

[torranceshipman]

Tell him you wont be romantically involved with him again until/unless he is divorcing, and make sure you see proof.

 

Anything else will end badly!

[Windblue]

I do understand that...if I may say...I still want things in my life, that I had kinda closed the doors on...and he wants the same things...so that door has been re-opened. We don't sleep together, it's more emotional. I wish that I could view it as a booty call, but since we're not sexing it gets harder.

 

Im naive, I know...I thank you very much for your reply...I know what I have to do...then why can't I also let go....I don't regret letting him go when I was young, BECAUSE i was too young. but thank you for that.

[whichwayisup]

You have invested 3 months or so into this. He's invested 11+ years with his wife.

 

If you truly do love him, let him go. If he divorces and becomes free, date him, get to know him again under more honest circumstances. He isn't "yours" and just because he was your past, doesn't mean that you have to 'have' him.

 

You also only know what HE is telling you, maybe some of it is the truth, but you must also know, he's omitting truths from you and he IS lying, cheating on his wife, even if it's an EA.

 

You knew this man many years ago, you really don't know WHO he is now. I mean, would you have pegged him for a cheater and a liar? It doesn't matter the circumstances of his marriage, obviously 11 years of marriage must have meant something, plus they have a child together, step kids who view them as a 'family unit'.

 

You can't let him go because you want him, love him .. So, your other option is, stick around, let him use you (selfishly here, not malciously), be his OW, have an affair. You say you've been working on "you", well by the time you go on the rollercoaster ride, you'll be working on "you" for a long time. You'll lose some of your self worth, suffer pain and heartache, also you'll be helping this guy CHEAT on his wife, betray his family unit. Don't. Just don't. Get out now, tell him to call you when the divorce is final (with proof) THEN you can 'date' him and get to know him under better and honest circumstances.

[silverplanets]

Hi WB

 

The only advice I can give is to focus on you right now - it doesn't mean you have to switch off your feelings for him but more that you have to also recognise that you should show yourself love as well.

 

I love it that you have realised that there are still things you want in life and love it that you can admit it.

 

Being NC with him isn't about punishing him or you (imho) ... done right it's about allowing him to focus his attention where it should be (on his life) and you to put yours where yours should be (on you).

 

One outcome of course is that he becomes free and then as he sorts himself out and deals with his issues decides of his own free will that he'd like to pursue you.

 

What you must not do (again imho) at this time is give up on that *new* you that has started to pop it's head up the parapet of life again ....

 

I know you're still craving him, and full of worry, but hold your head up and push your new self into some new things (not dating) but maybe some new experiences (book a weekend travel of something) and see what other "emotions and experiences" the new you can feel.

 

He may be there at the end of it, he may not ..... if he truly loves you though he will want to see you continue to grow and prosper ...

 

(It has the added bonus that your head will slowly clear and you will feel a lot more positive about any descisions you are asked to take).

 

I'm 4 months in NC and I don't feel in NC any more. I am just enjoying my days ... yes I get sad sometimes, yes I still miss them sometimes, but I am also happy a lot and loving my life a lot.

 

It's not about saying goodbye to him, it's about saying hello to you :-)

[fooled once]

Hello, I've been looking around on this site for some time. I am very nervous to write my dilema, but I need some advice.

 

I've dealt with a MM since Nov. 1st of 2009. Here's my history. I"ve been single for at least 2 years...and am trying to work on myself.

His history. He has been married for about 11 yrs. He has a son who's 7 and stepkids. He married on the merrit that she would help him get his immigration papers...then his son came later. Over the years however, he keeps getting denied for whatever she's doing. Our history. We dated about 18 years ago when I was 17 and he was 21. I ran away because he said he loved me and I just wasn't ready for that.

 

Now we haven't seen each other since and he ran into my sister. My sister gives me the number, but I never call it because I thought it was this other guy that I wanted nothing to do with. (they both have the same name) so, then I then call a couple months later, because I had heard that someone in his family had passed. and it was my ex, not the other guy I thought it was. So we go out for dinner to catch up (Halloween night, next thing you know...we're going out...then he invites me to his mothers house for Thanksgiving, then again just for a dinner (myself and my daughter) he's worked in my area since we first met, and I've live there all my life...so when we hooked back, we called it fate, because it just seemed to be too funny.

 

Anyways, please bare with me, I know this is long and boring. Now, when we first started talking he said that his wife is really ill, and that he was leaving that house because he couldn't take her **** anymore. He says he's still there for his son. and that he's screwed because his wife already told him that if he leaves that she will call immigration on him. (he has his son, family and he owns a business here in the states) So, we spend New Years together, and he tells me that he's moving out. Then he harrasses me to get him an application in my complex so that he can get things started. Then a week later, things have come to a halt. He's no longer looking for a place (that I know of). We see each other EVERY day...because he works up the block from my house. He goes as far as to bring me food from his mother house, he hates when I leave my daughter home by herself when we go out, but I refuse to let her be a part of this if it's a game.

 

So now, we have a conversation last week, because I felt like I had to revisit the issue and know what's going on. Let me just say, I've NEVER messed with anyone's man. I always felt that I could get my own man, I DO NOT SHARE. However, I guess I figured that becuse his situation was so screwed that this may be a different case. But, now I'm not so sure. I hurt, but he reassures me, he calls me all the time, he sees me on holidays ( him and his family) and I don't ask him to see him, he always wants to see me, he won't let a day go by that he won't see me. When he doesn't call, I wonder, when he doesn't see me (which is not often) I wonder. I hate this...I'm not used to it. But, I've always wanted him...Can someone pleasssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssse help me out. I'm soooooooooo confused. We talked the other night and I had to ask some questions. I asked do you think low of me for dating you, like you can take advantage of me? he said no...I want you in my life, I want more children with you and a future..(his exact words, that I'm trying not to linger on) I asked...do you love her/in love with her...he said no...would you hurt me to spare her feelings...he said never...I care to much about your feelings...I have no intention of hurting you. I asked...what if you wife saw us in the street, what would you do...he said he'd keep walking, that he doesn't acknowledge her. He also has set up Valentines day for us, and said just bring yourself...I'll take care of everything.

 

what do I do? It's really officially only been 2 full months. I guess I should give him time to do his thing...I will not/CAN NOT WAIT as long as I've seen some of you ladies wait...I'm giving it until the summer...at the same time...I still have an old boyfriend on call when I need to take my mind off of my lover.

 

Help...

Windblue

 

You aren't dating him. You can't date a married man. you are having an affair.

 

How old is your daughter?

 

He is lying to you about his wife. He obviously cares a bit for her because they have sex. He is playing a game with you. He enjoys the ego boost you give him. If he cared about you at all, he would not disrespect you by involving you in his marriage. If he cared about you at all, he would settle his marriage issues and then come to you as a single man. After 11 years, I highly doubt immigration cares about him anymore. Just an excuse, I am guessing.

 

He isn't the same guy you dated years ago. He is a married man with a family. Do you want your daughter to know what you are doing? How would you feel if your daughters husband one day did to her what what this guy is doing to you? Come on -- you have self control. You have will power.

 

Tell him to call you when (if) he ever divorces.

[Windblue]

Dang wi-fi, I keep getting cut off, but anyway you all r right. I can't really find a good enough reason to stay. It hurts to let go & not know if they'll come back. But true, I don't want to b used, just loved properly.

[Windblue]

Oh and my daughter is 12. No I would never want that for her. Also just to say, I've never dealt with anyones man b4. This is all new to me, but I guess it's just not our time. I'm sorry if I've wasted your time with this, when the answers should b obvious. I just had to tell someone. I can't tell my friends, because they're all married!!!

[fooled once]

You are NOT wasting anyone's time here (hug)

 

You are hurting. You are lonely. You are looking for companionship, love, to feel sexy, to feel wanted.

 

There is nothing wrong with wanting to be loved.

 

Just do yourself a favor and don't allow yourself to be someone's secret, someone's 'side piece', someone's second choice.

 

You know the saying "If you love someone and set them free; if they come back to you, it was meant to be. If they don't...." or something like that.

 

NOW is not your time with him. He is already committed to someone else; whether he acts like it or not. UNLESS you are content to be the other woman, you need to let him go. Let him decide if it is YOU he really wants; and if it is, he needs to take the steps necessary so you don't end up sharing him with anyone.

 

I am very sorry you are hurting.

[Heather1]

You're still in a brian "love" induced fog.....that doesn't last. Wait it out until you get a few reality clues to see where you're really headed.

[Heather1]

I meant brain, unless his name's brian.

[Windblue]

Thank you very much for your kind words. I feel so guilty when I see him. Then it'll pass and I'm happy again. Well I left him a mess that I'd b out for the night. I will have to make this decision and stick to it.

[jwi71]

Hello, I've been looking around on this site for some time. I am very nervous to write my dilema, but I need some advice.

 

Hi.

And...uh, you asked for the advice ok?

 

He has been married for about 11 yrs. He has a son who's 7 and stepkids. He married on the merrit that she would help him get his immigration papers...then his son came later. Over the years however, he keeps getting denied for whatever she's doing. Our history. We dated about 18 years ago when I was 17 and he was 21. I ran away because he said he loved me and I just wasn't ready for that.

This makes ZERO sense and in fact runs contrary to my experience with INS/ICE. I married my now xWW and brought her over on a fiancee visa...I am more the casually aware of the laws.

 

Because a conditional green card based on marraige is AUTOMATIC. And the conditions last for two years and are then removed upon request. Yes, its that simple. And divorce has LITTLE affect on it. And since he has been here for at least 7 years...the numbers AREN'T adding up.

 

So this crap about her not helping with INS is a lie.

In fact, this whole lying thing will soon become a pattern.

 

Anyways, please bare with me, I know this is long and boring. Now, when we first started talking he said that his wife is really ill, and that he was leaving that house because he couldn't take her **** anymore. He says he's still there for his son. and that he's screwed because his wife already told him that if he leaves that she will call immigration on him. (he has his son, family and he owns a business here in the states)

OK...now he's staying for his son.

Or was it INS?

 

Sorry...none of this holds water.

Its simply NOT true. I divorced my immigrant W and NONE of it had any bearing. And YES, I checked (not to threaten to her but to assure myself how INS/ICE affects our D...in sum, it doesn't.)

So, we spend New Years together, and he tells me that he's moving out. Then he harrasses me to get him an application in my complex so that he can get things started. Then a week later, things have come to a halt. He's no longer looking for a place (that I know of). We see each other EVERY day...because he works up the block from my house. He goes as far as to bring me food from his mother house, he hates when I leave my daughter home by herself when we go out, but I refuse to let her be a part of this if it's a game.

This isn't a game...its an A.

And your MM is acting as most...making "pretend actions" (apt application) and then DOING nothing...

 

So now, we have a conversation last week, because I felt like I had to revisit the issue and know what's going on. Let me just say, I've NEVER messed with anyone's man. I always felt that I could get my own man, I DO NOT SHARE.

Yet that's EXACTLY what you are doing.

However, I guess I figured that becuse his situation was so screwed that this may be a different case.

Yeah right

Because earlier he COULDN'T leave...for his son. Or was it immigration keeping him? He said (lied) both...not sure which excuse is the one.

 

And...uh...why hasn't moved in your apt complex again?

 

We talked the other night and I had to ask some questions

Good!

 

I asked do you think low of me for dating you, like you can take advantage of me? he said no...I want you in my life, I want more children with you and a future..(his exact words, that I'm trying not to linger on)

There's another penny in my "If I ever hear this again jar".

All MM say this...or some derivative. And its almost always a lie. Designed to keep you hooked in the A on HIS terms.

 

I asked...do you love her/in love with her...he said no...

Did you really expect a different answer?

 

So...if he doesn't love her and can't wait to get out...shouldn't be an issue to knock on their front door? Right?

 

would you hurt me to spare her feelings...he said never...I care to much about your feelings...I have no intention of hurting you.

Lie. He'll toss you under the bus so fast you're head will spin.

I believe he hs no intention of hurting you...his intention is to have an A with you...which is somehow not going to hurt you.

 

This A will drain you. You're like this after 2 months? Yikes.

 

I asked...what if you wife saw us in the street, what would you do...he said he'd keep walking, that he doesn't acknowledge her.

Ok...then go over an knock on his door then.

I'd love to see his face.

You won't of course...and he knows it.

He also has set up Valentines day for us, and said just bring yourself...I'll take care of everything.

I;m sure he lied and gaslit his wife.

What nationality/ethnicity is he? His culture may "give him" this dominance at home to snow his W. Or they may not even "recognize" valentines day...

 

what do I do?

I would say "find me when you are divorced or I'm having lunch with your wife".

I guess I should give him time to do his thing...I will not/CAN NOT WAIT as long as I've seen some of you ladies wait...I'm giving it until the summer

Sorry but this was funny.

Do you actually THINK these OW went into saying "I'll give him 2 years...then Im done"?

 

No...they do what you are doing..."summer"...then he'll have this great excuse and it'll be "fall"...and on and on and on and then before you know it - 2 years.

 

...at the same time...I still have an old boyfriend on call when I need to take my mind off of my lover.

Uh...why on Earth would you consider this again?

This isn't fair to him or even yourself. Don;t choose a man simply because he is available...lets face it, he's an "ex" for a reason...

[whichwayisup]

It's OK to hurt. To feel sadness, and pain, that's part of the letting go and grieving process. You're less than 3 months into this A..Imagine the pain you'd be feeling in a year, or two..Or three! And you haven't even had sex with him! End it now because it's easier. Yeah it'll hurt, but you WILL get over it. You were fine without him 3 months ago, and you'll be FINE again.

 

I can't tell my friends, because they're all married!!!

 

Then ALL the more reason to end it. If you can't tell your friends, involve them in your life this way, then take it as a sign that you KNOW it's wrong. Love or not, this guy is married and continuing to be with him is inappropriate. Think of your daughter..Think of this guys wife, and their kids. You don't want to help him cheat and betray.

[pureinheart]

You have invested 3 months or so into this. He's invested 11+ years with his wife.

 

If you truly do love him, let him go. If he divorces and becomes free, date him, get to know him again under more honest circumstances. He isn't "yours" and just because he was your past, doesn't mean that you have to 'have' him.

 

You also only know what HE is telling you, maybe some of it is the truth, but you must also know, he's omitting truths from you and he IS lying, cheating on his wife, even if it's an EA.

 

You knew this man many years ago, you really don't know WHO he is now. I mean, would you have pegged him for a cheater and a liar? It doesn't matter the circumstances of his marriage, obviously 11 years of marriage must have meant something, plus they have a child together, step kids who view them as a 'family unit'.

 

You can't let him go because you want him, love him .. So, your other option is, stick around, let him use you (selfishly here, not malciously), be his OW, have an affair. You say you've been working on "you", well by the time you go on the rollercoaster ride, you'll be working on "you" for a long time. You'll lose some of your self worth, suffer pain and heartache, also you'll be helping this guy CHEAT on his wife, betray his family unit. Don't. Just don't. Get out now, tell him to call you when the divorce is final (with proof) THEN you can 'date' him and get to know him under better and honest circumstances.

 

Very rarely does the "WS" bring the "OW" per sey to his families house and spend holidays with them....that says a lot to me.

 

W knows what the M is all about, and that is possibly why the immigration thing keeps getting denied...it should only take a couple of years...and I thought that at the point of M the person was legal...not sure about that stuff though.

 

I had a friend who got involved with a MM, the M was "arranged by the family", and this sounds like the same situation to me...he spends every minite he can with her, or sorta OW...I really don't think she is the OW.

 

Now with this, I think the NC thing is your only choice in this matter, like WWIU stated that he can get his act together...the immigration has me concerned though.....

[pureinheart]

Ok JW, what you had to say reminded me about immigration....one of my other friends M got checked on for a certain amount of years...I think two, not sure why....my friend was tripping all of time about that, but when it was over she chilled.

[pureinheart]

Thank you very much for your kind words. I feel so guilty when I see him. Then it'll pass and I'm happy again. Well I left him a mess that I'd b out for the night. I will have to make this decision and stick to it.

 

 

Ya, I know, been there done that, it almost feels like a drug at times...mine was an EA too...

[Windblue]

All i can say again is thank you and OUCH!! There are some real tough cookies in here. I have seemed to upset some people here, and for that I apologize. I didn't know what to expect when I posted here. I guess I deserve these words that are being said to me.

 

In early November we went down to the immigration office(together) and I've seen the denied paperwork. I guess that's why I believed him...it didn't seem like he was hiding anything. He wanted me to meet his son, i did...then his son told his mom one day that we all went to the movies...she just said "don't have your bitches around my son". I heard her fussing about it, when I was on the phone with him. These are the things that have kept me around because it seemed to me like "ok maybe they ARE like just roomates for the kids...can anyone see where I went wrong? It wasn't like I got into this on purpose, or being vindictive. I just know him and now the family. (that's I go to regular gatherings with) it's just odd. But, Im so glad that I can see and really understand where you guys are coming from. Because lots of times some of these things don't make sense to me.

 

windblue

confused/hurt/and feeling stupid