Meeting his Catholic parents

[Charm13]

Not sure if I'm on the right board, but thought I might get some answers/support here.

 

I am meeting my boyfriends parents for the first time this weekend. His mom has previously asked him what religion I am and he said he didn't know/wasn't sure. I am pretty sure the question will arise this weekend at dinner. I don't want to lie to her, but I'm sure it might break her heart to know I'm agnostic. I know my dad felt that way.

 

My boyfriend grew up Catholic, went to Catholic school, the whole nine yards. He, however, feels the same way as I on the topic of religion, not sure if he talked to his parents about this.

 

After typing all this out, I guess I don't really have a question, just needing some support. I don't want her to not like me.

 

Thanks :~)

[alphamale]

just say your family is whatever but you don't practice

[Charm13]

Thanks for the advice alphamale! Think I might go that route.

[carhill]

OP, do you believe that all religions are relevant to those who believe in them? In other words, do you respect that others believe differently in matters of spirituality than yourself? Are you serious about this boyfriend? Is he potential marriage material?

 

These are some questions I'd ask myself. If I respect and value the parent's Catholicism, I would reasonably expect them to value and respect my agnostic beliefs. Acceptance is part of what religion is. I would be honest if asked but would not elaborate or volunteer.

 

BTW, I never saw the inside of a public school facility. Catholic all the way. My parents taught me the concept of acceptance. I haven't been in a church since I graduated high school some thirty plus years ago. You might say your BF's and my perspective on religion is similar. IME, it's important that you and he have compatible spiritual beliefs. Families can be handled. Good luck.

[Charm13]

Carhill, yes, I respect others beliefs, as I would want them to do the same to me. We have been together close to 3 months now, but I am serious about him and maybe one day, potentially talk about marriage, as now is too soon for that.

 

We do have compatible spiritual beliefs, we talk almost daily on the subject. One of the reasons I like him so much.

[Ms. Joolie]

My immediate family attends a very traditional Catholic church, apart even from the regular mainstream ones. I grew up as a 'traditional Catholic' but in my 20's left it behind me. I am now just independent I guess and enjoy learning the wisdom of various belief systems.

 

Anyhow, so I don't associate myself with religion and neither does the man I date. He has met the family and all that has gone on, so I can relate to your issue and definitely want to support you.

 

When you begin dating according to your own beliefs, you have to face the reality of your decisions. Be proud of where you stand. That is you. This is your life. Don't be afraid. It's the mark of a mature adult who can stand confidently in the choices they make.

 

When you meet the parents, let them see who you really are. Don't feel wrong or bad or different or weird. Let them see you as a person, whole and complete. Let them see the qualities that have attracted their son to you and let them be proud of you.

 

I hope they aren't uptight and they don't rudely confront you on this issue. But I do recommend you be prepared in case that happens... which of course you are doing now by posting here.

 

If they do confront you on it abruptly, try to be gracious and thorough in your answers. Listen to what they are saying, and don't lose respect. If it becomes a big deal, you may have to excuse yourself.

 

The man I am seeing was confronted rudely by my very pregnant sister last summer. She was having a bad day and just went all out on him. But he handled it well. We had to talk about it of course together, and I had to play mediator for a bit. So something like that may come up as you date someone who has a religious family.

 

It will take understanding and respect and patience and a whole lot of other great things from you perhaps, but don't be afraid of this opportunity to grow in confidence and shine.

 

At worst, they will judge you for who you are... they will judge you for not being Catholic. At worst, they will begin preaching to you. At worst, they will not accept you.

 

At worst.... they may not like you!

 

 

haha. Don't worry! If that should come up, it's just something to discuss as a mature adult with your BF. You'll survive, and even grow from the experience.

[carhill]

We have been together close to 3 months now, but I am serious about him and maybe one day, potentially talk about marriage, as now is too soon for that.

 

OK, so a relatively young relationship. Meeting parents for first time. Here's a possibility, if they question you or challenge you and it makes you uncomfortable..... "I'm quite comfortable with my beliefs and am respectful of those of xxxx (your boyfriend) as well as yours. I'd like to discuss it further in the future, but feel uncomfortable doing so right now. I hope you understand". Then, move on to other things. This sends the message that a: you respect them and b: you have boundaries and can communicate them clearly. How things go subsequently can tell you a lot about their family dynamics.

 

My instinct is you will have no issues at all in this regard and hope you have a great time. Mom always appreciates compliments on her cooking

[taiko]

At the core they want to know if their son will marry in the Church, thus have a valid marriage as Catholic dogma calls it. And that you won't be a hinderance in having their grandchildren baptized into the faith.

[carhill]

If asked such a question, my response would be 'That is certainly on our minds and I'm sure it will be discussed in the future' would be an appropriate response at a first meeting. IMO, a mature parent would not put a young person on the spot like that when first meeting them, but there's no law saying parents have to be mature.

[Charm13]

Thanks everyone for your responses. Everything went great. The question I was so worried about was not approached. However, thanks to all of you, I will be prepared when it happens.

[curiousnycgirl]

Sorry I didn't see this sooner - but figured I'll respond since the queestion wasn't asked.

 

I would just say that you were raised Catholic and leave it at that. It implies that you don't practice, without smacking them in the face with that fact. Truth is it's none of their business - but the fact that you were raised as your b/f was will give them some measure of comfort, so why not.