If it was rape, why am I not upset?

[SparklyDarkly]

Hi,

 

I'm not sure what I'm looking for here as I'm a little bit confused as to why I do/don't feel this way.

 

I've been with my fiance for four months and I think he adores me. He's protective, caring, sensitive, generous and would do anything for me. He's everything I've ever wanted. We got engaged a couple of months ago because it just felt more right that anything I've ever known.

 

He does have certain issues such as jealously due to his ex cheating him and has witnessed some severely traumatic and distressing things back in his own country, which his left obvious psychological scarring.

 

I don't know if this is relevent or not but he told me he was abused as a child. He also struggles with "manners" in the bedroom. He has a very high sex drive and struggles to show restraint during sex (sometimes he can't stop if I ask him to, or will "finish" inside me even if I said it wasn't okay). The majority of the time, however, he is very gentle and caring in bed.

 

Anyway, it's important for you to know that for the last few months I've been suffering from a neurological problem which causes me to have crippling head pains, black outs, lose vision in my eye etc. Doctors are unsure of what it is and I am to see a neurologist in the near the future.

 

During these "blacking out" episodes, I become very light headed and confused (almost like being very drunk or drugged), and general am just "out of it" until I lose consciousness. It's frightening and can last up to 45 minutes.

 

The other night I started to feel fuzzy, and I warned him that I thought I was going to black out (he's been with me before when this happens so knows what to expect). I remember lying on the bed feeling consciousness slipping away while he looked after me. I asked him to take off my jeans as they were digging into my hip (I was lying in a really awkward position), I physically lacked the co ordination to take them off myself. I remember he started to rub my back and that's the last thing I remember before I passed out.

 

I have no idea how long had passed but I woke up in bed naked and he was asleep next me.

 

The next morning I apologised for blacking out and spoiling the movie we were watching (having had no idea what had happend afterward) to which he nervously told me we had had sex.

 

During my black outs, I am barely conscious or completely unresponsive and could not understand how I could have actively "had sex". When I quizzed him on it with questions like "was I moving?" "was I making noises?" he contradicted himself constantly before saying that I was pushing into him so he didn't realise I wasn't conscious.

 

I find it hard to believe he could have genuinely thought I was compus mentus enough to consent to sex.

 

If I really think hard about it, I do feel a little bit sick but I don't feel angry, violated or anything I would have expected to feel in this situation.

 

Is this because it wasn't rape? Am I trying to find a problem in what was genuinely a misunderstanding?

 

Any input at all would be really helpful...

 

Thank you xx

[PinkToes]

Yes, you were violated. This was not the first time you blacked out, so he knew what to expect. He knew it wasn't appropriate for him to have sex with you while you were going through a blackout -- yet he did it anyway. This is not OK.

 

My guess is you're struggling with whether or not what happened was really such a big deal. It would definitely be easier to justify it in your head than to recognize that the man you love and trust is capable of doing something like that. It seems so inconsistent with everything else between you, right? So if you focus on that, maybe this won't seem so serious.

 

But it is wrong, and should not be tolerated. What happened does not make him a bad man. But it is behavior that probably won't stop on its own, and may get worse. It was not a totally isolated incident because he has not respected your wishes in the past when it came to sex.

 

He needs to understand that what he did was totally wrong. This is the first thing. He needs to really get it. And he also needs to get help to deal with his past, and the issues that have made him, at the very least, insensitive to your needs & concerns where sex is involved.

 

Please don't let this go, or take responsibility for his behavior. You don't want to live with the possibility that anything like this could happen again. Take care.

[SparklyDarkly]

This is exactly how I feel actually.

 

I just can't understand why he would do that. Surely you're meant to respect the person you're with and not take advantage of them?

 

As I mentioned before, he does have a very high sex drive and so maybe he did get the wrong idea and just couldn't help himself. I just cannot understand the mentality.

 

It happened nearly a week ago and I just don't know whether to try to talk to him about again. It feels like nothing really happened and we've carried on as normal.

 

Thank you for responding so quickly xx

[Tayla]

1: Usually rape is violent and the victim (yes one is just that in that moment) is non committal to it. You seem to infer that you were the second part to this equation (non committal), so it falls under the questionable.

2: Yes seek medical attention for your physical matters.

3: I cannot safely or fairly judge your partner's action based on your version alone nor can I come to a 100% conclusion based solely on one side. Sorry its by nature that one should listen with an open mind.

 

The concern though lays with the medical symptoms you incurr, I really hope the Doctors can diagnosis and heal you accordingly.

[Enema]

Sex with an unconscious "willing" participant... so hot.

 

Maybe he thinks it's ok because you're his fiance.

 

Either way - there is so much wrong with your post and relationship that I'm not even going to start.

[SparklyDarkly]

Enema, what do you mean by: "Either way - there is so much wrong with your post and relationship that I'm not even going to start."?

 

I would really appreciate the input.

[Malenfant]

your BF knew 100% you were unconscious.

 

have no illusion about that.

 

he took advantage of you when you were in no position to do anything.

 

If he truly cared about you, he would be worried and concerned about your condition, not use it as a great opportunity to have sex with you.

 

the very thought of it makes me sick.

 

how would you have felt if he had done something to you that you would normally say no to?

[Malenfant]

just to add...

my sister had a BF years ago who adored her. he was a very nice guy, and all my family thought he was brilliant for her.

 

unfortunately, he also had been subjected to seeing some awful things.

 

one day he snapped and tried to kill her. he nearly succeeded as well.

 

just a warning, because although i dont for a moment assume that everyone who had been subjected to horrific things would do this, it can happen.

 

be very careful of people who have had severely traumatic pasts.

[pizzagirl]

I cannot tell you or play was it rape or not, that is not what concerns me in your post. What I find interesting is that having sex with an unconscious person is a question to YOU whether it is a violation of TRUST, and you wonder about rape. You make mention that your fiancee was abused as a child( was it sexual?). You mention he is usually a gentlemen but has had some episodes of Bad behavior. I would say sex with an unconscious woman falls in that category.

 

You mention as well you black out. You seem to be foggy on rape, and sex with an unconscious woman, and bad episodes. I think sometimes there is a siren call between victims of abuse where they get to reenact the past and find the perfect partner to do it. A violated person can switch to violator as it is all about boundaries, is it not? Yet yours are so fuzzy, as are your blackouts as to be so unsure of Rape, or bad episodes.

 

I would suggest counseling for you Now fast. Whether you were a victim of past abuse or not your boundaries as well as your body manifesting headaches and blackouts were taken as a green light by someone to have sex with an unconscious woman. and for you to be fuzzy as what it means and feel nothing. best of luck. Just maybe your body is blacking out as a warning that your subconscious sees more than you and does not feel safe with this man. Victims of abuse were BOUNDARY VIOLATED and often do not respect OTHERS BOUNDARIES. Having sex with you while you were so vulnerable I would say falls into the last category. Proceed at your own peril.

[dashing daisy]

Okay, this is awful. I'm not even sure what to say.

 

You might not be upset because you are in shock? His behavior is reprehensible, truly.

 

At least you recognized it as rape...if this is only 4 months into your relationship, I'm scared to know what will happen further down the road.

[venus-blue]

I don't feel that 4 months is long enough to know that someone is your life partner, especially if they do not respect your boundaries. He sounds very domineering. What you said about him not stopping during sex and cumming inside of you when you say no shows that he only views you as an object. A person deserves to have boundaries, especially in regards to sex. Imagine getting pregnant and passing down his trauma to one of your children, children that he will have forced onto you. It is your body, respect yourself or nobody else will.

 

Run, seriously. Sociopaths are very charming, but they will hurt you in the end. He needs help and so do you. Get out now before it is too late.

[harmfulsweetz]

It is rape, definitely. If it falls outside the lines of consent, which it did, it's rape. Simple as that. I'm sorry to say that to you, but you need to appreciate the gravity of what he has done to you. So many women think 'I was drunk, I didn't know', 'I was asleep, it couldn't be rape.' Well it is.

 

Don't fool yourself into thinking this was your fault, or take any responsibility for what HE did. You've already said he's inconsiderate at best, and down right, abusive at worst at times in the bedroom.

 

I hope you leave him, because it will only get worse.

 

I also hope your health problems get sorted and healed soon.

[SparklyDarkly]

<unfortunately, he also had been subjected to seeing some awful things.

 

one day he snapped and tried to kill her. he nearly succeeded as well.>

 

Hi guys,

 

Just an update to let you know that the night before last he had too much to drink, assaulted me and tried to suffocate me with a pillow.

 

I've moved back into my house and he's been released on bail (pending charges) and is not allowed to contact me.

 

I'm feel pressure from mutual friends to give him another try (they said he was a mess and had been crying) But rather heartlessly, today, I just don't care that he's a mess. I'm almost glad because he's ruined everything.

 

I'm in shock a bit but I needed to post this

[Ms. Red]

I'm glad he didn't succeed. That's a scary situation. Good thing you got out now. And those "mutual friends" are no friends of yours. They don't have your interest in mind. Only his.

 

I wish you well. =^-^=

[PinkToes]

Oh no, I am so, so sorry. Please, please stay strong now, and don't listen to anyone who says you need to give him another chance. He has shown you what he is capable of, and you have no reason to believe that won't happen again -- or worse. Honestly, it's just not worth the risk.

 

Know that he will likely be oh-so-sorry now, and that he will try everything he can to get you back. But if it happened once, it will absolutely happen again. Remember that. Stay strong, you will be OK. And please keep us posted.

[dashing daisy]

You are not heartless! He raped you, then assaulted and tried to suffocate you. I am so glad you survived, but you cannot go back to him. These "mutual friends" are either too close to him to realize he is dangerous to you, or don't have your best interests at heart. Please do not listen to them. Do not give him another chance to kill you. He is perfectly capable of that, no matter what your mutual friends might say about his remorse or crying. No, it's not just because he had too much to drink. He already abused you, sober. Excuses and apologies can't change that. He is dangerous.

 

If he tries to contact you or come near you, call the police. You are pressing charges, yes?

[Malenfant]

<unfortunately, he also had been subjected to seeing some awful things.

 

one day he snapped and tried to kill her. he nearly succeeded as well.>

 

Hi guys,

 

Just an update to let you know that the night before last he had too much to drink, assaulted me and tried to suffocate me with a pillow.

 

I've moved back into my house and he's been released on bail (pending charges) and is not allowed to contact me.

 

I'm feel pressure from mutual friends to give him another try (they said he was a mess and had been crying) But rather heartlessly, today, I just don't care that he's a mess. I'm almost glad because he's ruined everything.

 

I'm in shock a bit but I needed to post this

 

i am so, so sorry that this happened.

your friends are mad, they're more concerned with him than you.

its not heartless of you, you're 100% right.

he would do this again.

stay stong, and dont waver, even for a moment. i'm very thankfull he didnt succeed.

*hugs* xxxx

[PinkToes]

You are not heartless! He raped you, then assaulted and tried to suffocate you. I am so glad you survived, but you cannot go back to him. These "mutual friends" are either too close to him to realize he is dangerous to you, or don't have your best interests at heart. Please do not listen to them. Do not give him another chance to kill you. He is perfectly capable of that, no matter what your mutual friends might say about his remorse or crying. No, it's not just because he had too much to drink. He already abused you, sober. Excuses and apologies can't change that. He is dangerous.

 

If he tries to contact you or come near you, call the police. You are pressing charges, yes?

 

Read this line over & over & over. It is the absolute truth.

[Satisfaction]

Enema, what do you mean by: "Either way - there is so much wrong with your post and relationship that I'm not even going to start."?

 

I would really appreciate the input.

 

has he ever had help from a specialist or so about his abuse? Because if not you should be aware that alot of people cope by repeating the behaviour and things they experienced.

Not really the kind of person you want to have around you when you are vulnerable and passed out.

Sounds like he is trying really hard seeing as he tries to be honest with you about what he does but seriously, he is struggling and not doing well enough.

I'm not saying he is not a good person and will never be but he could be so much better for you and for himself if he got some counseling.

Its not good what he did to you. Just because you don't feel upset doesn't make it ok.

[Malenfant]

has he ever had help from a specialist or so about his abuse? Because if not you should be aware that alot of people cope by repeating the behaviour and things they experienced.

Not really the kind of person you want to have around you when you are vulnerable and passed out.

Sounds like he is trying really hard seeing as he tries to be honest with you about what he does but seriously, he is struggling and not doing well enough.

I'm not saying he is not a good person and will never be but he could be so much better for you and for himself if he got some counseling.

Its not good what he did to you. Just because you don't feel upset doesn't make it ok.

 

sorry, but he tried to suffocate her. you must have missed that part when you wrote this post

[Island Girl]

1: Usually rape is violent and the victim (yes one is just that in that moment) is non committal to it. You seem to infer that you were the second part to this equation (non committal), so it falls under the questionable.

 

FYI

 

A person who is not conscious of their action can not consent.

 

If there is no consent it is RAPE.

 

There is no questionable.

 

ESPECIALLY in this "EQUATION" in which there is a KNOWN medical condition that cause blackouts and no knowledge of what happens during those times.

 

He knew of the condition. He knew she was in such an episode.

He raped her while knowing she could not acknowledge or reject.

 

Why do you think he stubled around when she was trying to talk to him about it? HE KNEW WHAT HE DID WAS WRONG.

 

And it WAS OP. It was WRONG he did this to you.

 

You may not want to press charges.

But I would not stay in a relationship with someone who was capable of this kind of violation to me or my body. That is BASIC human decency.

 

You have dated him for 4 months. You are just getting to see his true colors and that BLACK part has just surfaced.

I'd RUN away from him but fast and permanently.

 

EDIT:

 

Just read the update. These mutual friends are not YOUR friends.

You'd be better off to cut them out of your life right along with him.

Glad he went to jail. Glad you are pressing charges.

Glad he can not contact you and you deserve SOOOOO much better.

 

BTW he didn't ruin everything. He saved you from making the biggest mistake and marrying him! I am so glad you found out who he really is without much time invested!!

 

You can find someone who cherishes you and your life. Please see that and demand that from anyone who gets to be with you and share time with you.

Edited January 31, 2010 by Island Girl

[You'reasian]

This is exactly how I feel actually.

 

I just can't understand why he would do that. Surely you're meant to respect the person you're with and not take advantage of them?

 

As I mentioned before, he does have a very high sex drive and so maybe he did get the wrong idea and just couldn't help himself. I just cannot understand the mentality.

 

It happened nearly a week ago and I just don't know whether to try to talk to him about again. It feels like nothing really happened and we've carried on as normal.

 

Thank you for responding so quickly xx

 

This is a grey area. The way you describe him sounds like you have a very safe, secure relationship but your condition, healthy sexual relationship and strange coincidence lead to this.

 

Talk to him about it. Tell him how this made you feel. Be assertive.

[harmfulsweetz]

FYI

 

A person who is not conscious of their action can not consent.

 

If there is no consent it is RAPE.

 

There is no questionable.

 

ESPECIALLY in this "EQUATION" in which there is a KNOWN medical condition that cause blackouts and no knowledge of what happens during those times.

 

He knew of the condition. He knew she was in such an episode.

He raped her while knowing she could not acknowledge or reject.

 

Why do you think he stubled around when she was trying to talk to him about it? HE KNEW WHAT HE DID WAS WRONG.

 

And it WAS OP. It was WRONG he did this to you.

 

You may not want to press charges.

But I would not stay in a relationship with someone who was capable of this kind of violation to me or my body. That is BASIC human decency.

 

You have dated him for 4 months. You are just getting to see his true colors and that BLACK part has just surfaced.

I'd RUN away from him but fast and permanently.

 

EDIT:

 

Just read the update. These mutual friends are not YOUR friends.

You'd be better off to cut them out of your life right along with him.

Glad he went to jail. Glad you are pressing charges.

Glad he can not contact you and you deserve SOOOOO much better.

 

BTW he didn't ruin everything. He saved you from making the biggest mistake and marrying him! I am so glad you found out who he really is without much time invested!!

 

You can find someone who cherishes you and your life. Please see that and demand that from anyone who gets to be with you and share time with you.

 

Agreed. 100%

[Ms. Red]

This is a grey area. The way you describe him sounds like you have a very safe' date=' secure relationship[/b'] but your condition, healthy sexual relationship and strange coincidence lead to this.

 

In what world do you live where she is in a safe secure relationship? Not to mention you blame her condition?

 

Talk to him about it. Tell him how this made you feel. Be assertive.

 

 

Why would she do that when he "assaulted her and tried to suffocate her with a pillow"? Are you for real?

[You'reasian]

In what world do you live where she is in a safe secure relationship? Not to mention you blame her condition?

Why would she do that when he "assaulted her and tried to suffocate her with a pillow"? Are you for real?

 

Re-reading. Nevermind - got it. I certainly did not blame her for the condition. I think any responsible gentleman would abstain from sex with his woman if she passed out - perhaps even call the hospital. I know I would.