My ex-girlfriend has gone back to her ex-boyfriend...

[Biccaroo]

I have recently been dumped by a girlfriend of about 5 months. Although this might not seem like a long relationship, a lot of things happened during this period including myself falling in love for the very first time...

 

Basically, we started dating in August after being set up by a colleague at work (we both work at the same company which sucks right now). Things moved quickly and before I knew it she was a major part of my life. At the time I was living with a friend but things weren't going too well between us so, with few options, I suggested to my gf that maybe we should move in together. After a week or so my gf seemed to have gotten hooked on the idea and by the middle of October we'd moved into rented accommodation.

 

Anyway, as the weeks went by it became clear to me that my gf was finding it hard to open up to me. I never felt like I was getting more than 70% of her (if that makes sense?). Then, at the start of December (6 weeks after moving in together) she sent me a text on a Saturday, completely out of the blue telling me she thought we should split up. I was devastated and did everything in my power to change her mind. I thought it was over only for my gf to turn up on the doorstep on Sunday night saying she couldn't believe she had almost thrown away what we had for he crappy ex-bf.

 

This was the first time I became aware that he was back on the scene. Apparently he had been emailing and texting her on and off over the past month...

 

Anyway, we got back together, spending Christmas and New Year with her parents (I barely saw my own!). Then, out of nowhere on January 9th 2010 I received another text telling me she thought we should cut our loses. I'd once again been dumped and I now know that it's mainly (if not totally) down to her ex who'd continued to email and text her behind my back.

 

I have since found it very hard to cope with loosing my ex, especially as I see her most days at work and never seem to hear from her anymore. For 3 days after we split up I tried everything I could to get her back. I did pretty much everything I now know I shouldn't have done (she was my first love - I was learning). Then, last Thursday I said I'd leave her alone.

 

Since then I have been trying to get on with my life but it's so tough. I emailed her on Monday to ask politely where the money she owed me was and she said she'd transfer it that week. Then she contacted me on Wednesday, using a pretty lame excuse to get in touch. Anyway, I've been polite but not overly friendly whenever she emails me but I'm finding it very hard to deal with my loss.

 

I have since discovered that she got back with her ex the weekend she left me. I have also found out from her sister that she would sometimes think about her ex. He's ruined my relationship and right now, my heart too. I don't know what to do but I know I want her back. Any advice please?

[nomad0792]

Man biccaroo...sorry to hear this.

It's not easy what you are going thru. We've all been there man. Don't contact her. She has made a decision and she needs to live with it. When things get crappy with her ex again, she will come calling and you must not take her back. You may have been the rebound, but who knows for sure. The fact is she left you for him and there's no reason you should let her back in your life. Go to strict NC immediately and don't give her the training wheels, cuz she may come looking for them. You are young and you will fall in love MANY more times. I know right now it seems like it was meant to be forever and you will never get over this pain, but it's not true...trust me. Run from this girl as fast as you can. NO CONTACT means no FB or drive-by's etc. IF YOU LISTEN TO PEOPLE ON THIS BOARD WHO HAVE BEEN AROUND, THEY WILL GUIDE YOU. Heed their words and I promise you will avoid the common pitfalls of a man at your age. Why trust us? Because we have all been there bro. It's not easy, but we can save you a ton of heartache. Good luck and immediate NC. No letters telling her you are doing it. JUST DO IT!

[Biccaroo]

The problem is I can't cut contact until she pays me quite a substantial amount of money. Until then I'll have to keep asking for it. Could she be playing a game?

 

The other thing is why would she be contacting me via email when I'm at work. She got in touch on Wednesday trying to be all friendly (as if nothing had happended) and said that she'd seen on Facebook that I was joining the gym. As she works in HR she offered to prepare me a letter as the gym I'm attending provides 30% off membership if you work for the company I work for. Why would she do this? Guilt? To maintain control? Because maybe it hadn't worked out with her ex AGAIN? I just don't know.

 

What should I do if she emails/texts me again? Ignore her? Be polite but not over-friendly? How can I do that when I see her around the company sometimes?

[Biccaroo]

The other thing is that after the first time we nearly split things seemed to be going really well. We spent all of Christmas together and she bought me an iPod Touch on top of all the other presents we'd bought for one another - she spent £300 more than we'd agreed and wrote on the packaging 'I love you so much. Thanks for sticking by me xxx... "

 

Why would she do this and then leave me 2 weeks later? She'd be mentioning rings, marriage, babies, everything and now this. I just don't understand and I don't deserve it.

[nomad0792]

Damn...well, the money issue is tough. You have to be business-like in regards to this. Don't let her get away without paying you man.

Try and read the post I did for the girl with the thread right below yours. I think I'm the only one who has responded to her. It's regarding why her bf left her. It's, in some ways, similar to your sitch. The power of the ex can be a very formidable force. It gets even the best of us at times.

 

I don't know what your gf (ex) is doing at work. In NC, you can respond to their emails, texts, calls, etc. Just don't get emotional. You're in a tough spot, but you have to be strong. DON'T buy into her manipulative ways. She sounds very unstable and women believe that what they say that day is true, but then can feel very different the very next day. The rings, marriage, babies, etc. I got as well and I'm still befuddled by it all. My girl told me I broke her heart and now she can't ever do it again. Whatever.

 

I think she does care for you deeply, but how long had it been since she was apart from her ex? You could very well have been the rebound man.

 

I even wonder if I was a rebound as well.

 

I'm hitting the sack, but I will reply to you tomorrow. It's 3 in the morning here.

 

Keep your head up!

[Biccaroo]

Well, I think I certainly was the rebound man as I found out recently that she started dating me only about 1 month after he'd ditched her. This guy was her first love and he's a bit of a player. Apparently they've been on and off for years but I was unaware of this a) because she wouldn't discuss him and her relationship with him and b) nobody told me even though they apparently knew based upon recent conversations, In fact, the girl I work with who set us up in the first place was well aware that my ex had recently been dumped but didn't care to pass on the information even though she knows I'm a sensitive, caring guy and I'd probably get hurt in the end. Thanks!

 

I say my ex didn't discuss her ex but this wasn't entirely true in the beginning as she'd often say he was the biggest mistake of her life, an arsehole, etc. But I guess he hurt her so she would feel like that. Now those feelings have faded, she's been wooed by him again and I'm left in the gutter.

 

Thanks man. You've been really helpful.

[Simon Attwood]

Well, I think I certainly was the rebound man

 

 

I had a similar thing once ...

 

I was seeing a girl for 2 months and everything was going so well, but in the third month she sent me a text telling me she couldn't see me anymore. After a bit of pursuing I was told that she'd gone back to her ex.

 

Everyone said I was the rebound.

 

Hurt like hell, but I wasn't going to give in that easy because I knew that I'd seen something in her eye. You see, that Saturday, before she texted me telling me she couldn't see me anymore, we'd been round her's and she'd had friends over, half way through the evening, she looked at me in the kitchen and said "I Love You" with such passion that I knew she meant it.

 

We've been married now for 3 years.

 

Turns out that it scared the living daylights out of her that she had so spontaneously said "I love you" to me in front of everyone. And it wasn't me that was the rebound, it was the ex that was a rebound from me. She ran back to her ex because she thought she could hide behind him.

 

The moral of the story?

 

Listen to others, but don't forget to listen to yourself too.

 

[Biccaroo]

I have to admit, there have been plenty of times like that - where she's said she loved me and I really thought she did. But now I can see she clearly never really did because how could she treat me with so much disrespect? I did everything for her, perhaps I was even too nice, but I hope that eventually she realises that she's made a mistake. I don't wish ill on her because I'm not that kind of guy but I do hope she realises what she's done and life teaches her a leason she won't forget. It's just not fair her going about her business in this way - playing with peoples feelings, breaking their hearts. I get the feeling now that because she's apparently sunk into the arms of her ex that she's actually quite relieved to be rid of me which hurts so much, but I've realised that she didn't deserve me anyway and I'll find someone better in the end.

 

Don't get me wrong - I have to admit that even now I'd take her back but that's because I gave so much to our relationship. But I'm glad I've started to realise that she wasn't the one for me and I'll find someone better... I hope!

[xtreme]

Damn, Biccaroo it does sound like it, try doing the NC since its hard winning between a part long term relaitonship and your type.

 

Simon: After the text she sent you, did you do NC or did you keep msging, calling etc?

[Biccaroo]

I'll give her some space and see what happens. If she does come crawling back to me then I'll make the call based on where I am in my life, but to be honest I think it's a lost cause. If she could throw away what we had for some guy who's treated her like **** on so many occassions - more fool her. It is hard winning someone over when I was clearly the rebound guy, but I honestly thought I'd done it. Maybe I reasted on my laurels and let something slip, but I'm more inclined to believe that whatever I did would've ended in failure simply because her feelings - due to being rejected before by her ex - were just too strong. I guess she feels about him as I do abot her right now and that's a powerful thing...

 

Thanks for all your advice. It really is appreciated.

Edited January 22, 2010 by Biccaroo

[bananaboat11]

Well, I think I certainly was the rebound man as I found out recently that she started dating me only about 1 month after he'd ditched her. This guy was her first love and he's a bit of a player. Apparently they've been on and off for years but I was unaware of this a) because she wouldn't discuss him and her relationship with him and b) nobody told me even though they apparently knew based upon recent conversations, In fact, the girl I work with who set us up in the first place was well aware that my ex had recently been dumped but didn't care to pass on the information even though she knows I'm a sensitive, caring guy and I'd probably get hurt in the end. Thanks!

 

I say my ex didn't discuss her ex but this wasn't entirely true in the beginning as she'd often say he was the biggest mistake of her life, an arsehole, etc. But I guess he hurt her so she would feel like that. Now those feelings have faded, she's been wooed by him again and I'm left in the gutter.

 

Thanks man. You've been really helpful.

 

I am soooooo sorry man. I was JUST in this same position. A week after leaving her ex, she started dating/****ing me... told me for the 5 months that she was in love with me...

 

...the weekend she dumped me over facebook she's back with 'him'... the douche cheated on her for the last 2 years of their 4 year relationship. go figure.

 

It's been 3 months. I will never hear from her again.

 

I'm sorry man.. I fell in 'love' too.. or I thought I did. I will subscribe to this thread and write more to help you out later with your situation.. it's totally ****ed. I JUST went through it and I'm getting over it now.

 

email me @ robby31784[@]gmail.com without the [] if you want to talk more. that's my public email - i'll hit you up via my private.

 

Again, I'm so sorry you had to experience this too. ****... did we date the same ****ing girl @ the same time?

[Simon Attwood]

Simon: After the text she sent you, did you do NC or did you keep msging, calling etc?

 

Unless there has been some form of abuse, I think No Contact can be a very dysfunctional response to relationship conflicts. No, i didn't go NC.

[Biccaroo]

I've been told by 99% of people that the best way to deal with this is NC. Now I'm not so sure. ****. I kind of think that maybe I should've made more effort now...

[madisonlayne]

She is stuck in a pattern with her ex. There's no stability there. It appears she may be keeping you on the back burner just incase the ex pulls a disappearing act or break up once again. She has established a comfort level with you and knows you're available to her emotional needs when the ex checks out.

 

I'm willing to bet their problems will resurface. She will possibly end up on your doorstep once again. You need to really ask yourself if this pattern she's stuck in is something you can deal with because she's already beginning another pattern with you.

 

And just remember- You are not choice #2. You deserve better than that.

[Silver_star]

Heres whats going to happen.

 

In a couple months or less, shes going to contact you...DONT RESPOND. Although you had deep feelings for her, she was unable to develop deep feelings for you because she had them for someone else (that bf that treats her like crap) I know it sucks. But its not fair for her to run back and forth, unless your okay with being second place, unless your okay with her using you if her "first choice" is no longer an option.

 

These people exist in men and women (the ones that are barely out of a relationship and spring into another one to distract themselves from the first). They are selfish. They dont deserve your love or pity. If you care for her as a person, when she comes crawling back out of her breakup and realizes that you were "the best thing that ever happend to her and blah blah blah", tell her that you appreciate that, but would like her to wait longer to get into any kind of commited relationship with her because she is NOT over her ex (it takes longer than a month to do so, no matter what she might be tellin you).

[bananaboat11]

Heres whats going to happen.

 

In a couple months or less, shes going to contact you...DONT RESPOND. Although you had deep feelings for her, she was unable to develop deep feelings for you because she had them for someone else (that bf that treats her like crap) I know it sucks. But its not fair for her to run back and forth, unless your okay with being second place, unless your okay with her using you if her "first choice" is no longer an option.

 

These people exist in men and women (the ones that are barely out of a relationship and spring into another one to distract themselves from the first). They are selfish. They dont deserve your love or pity. If you care for her as a person, when she comes crawling back out of her breakup and realizes that you were "the best thing that ever happend to her and blah blah blah", tell her that you appreciate that, but would like her to wait longer to get into any kind of commited relationship with her because she is NOT over her ex (it takes longer than a month to do so, no matter what she might be tellin you).

 

 

See... I used to think that too... but as every day passes I learn to understand and accept (and I am in a VERY similar situation as the OP) that she is not coming back. All ties are severed. There is no more... unfortunately for the OP - she still owes him money. She won't want him the way she wants her ex...

 

...my ex doesn't want me. I was used. She may 'think' of me briefly from time to time, but eventually... I will become a mere thought of the past.

 

I don't want the OP to get burned like I did.

 

Demand your money back OP or threaten legal action possibly? Don't let her drag this out... your heart can only handle so much... trust me. I know.

[Simon Attwood]

I've come to realise that, when we invest so much of our identity within a relationship, when that relationship ends, we feel as if a part of ourselves has been torn from us, we perceive a gaping hole, a wound, a missing piece of us. The pain and hurt we perceive is from that wound, that missing piece of us, and soon that missing piece becomes full of pain, and the pain comes to define that missing piece. Hurt fills the hole in our identity and comes to define the missing part of our identity. We subsequently cling to our hurt and become dysfunctional because our hurt comes to define the missing piece and then we consequently defend the hurt and our right to hold on to the hurt. This is where the dysfunctionality really comes in to play; while we defend and hold on to our hurt, nothing can take the place of that hurt that fills the void of the missing piece of our identity. We cannot bear, once again to feel the pain of that part of our identity to be empty again, to feel that void, so we will either ignore anything that threatens to take our hurt away, or if ignoring it doesn’t work, we will attack anything that threatens to take our hurt away, in a way similar to a dog might attack someone that tries to take it’s bone away.

[bananaboat11]

I've come to realise that, when we invest so much of our identity within a relationship, when that relationship ends, we feel as if a part of ourselves has been torn from us, we perceive a gaping hole, a wound, a missing piece of us. The pain and hurt we perceive is from that wound, that missing piece of us, and soon that missing piece becomes full of pain, and the pain comes to define that missing piece. Hurt fills the hole in our identity and comes to define the missing part of our identity. We subsequently cling to our hurt and become dysfunctional because our hurt comes to define the missing piece and then we consequently defend the hurt and our right to hold on to the hurt. This is where the dysfunctionality really comes in to play; while we defend and hold on to our hurt, nothing can take the place of that hurt that fills the void of the missing piece of our identity. We cannot bear, once again to feel the pain of that part of our identity to be empty again, to feel that void, so we will either ignore anything that threatens to take our hurt away, or if ignoring it doesn’t work, we will attack anything that threatens to take our hurt away, in a way similar to a dog might attack someone that tries to take it’s bone away.

 

I like this idea. It's so true.

[Silver_star]

See... I used to think that too... but as every day passes I learn to understand and accept (and I am in a VERY similar situation as the OP) that she is not coming back. All ties are severed. There is no more... unfortunately for the OP - she still owes him money. She won't want him the way she wants her ex...

 

...my ex doesn't want me. I was used. She may 'think' of me briefly from time to time, but eventually... I will become a mere thought of the past.

 

I don't want the OP to get burned like I did.

 

Demand your money back OP or threaten legal action possibly? Don't let her drag this out... your heart can only handle so much... trust me. I know.

 

 

Ive read your situation Banana Boat, and it sucks, not gonna lie. But consider yourself lucky she hasnt come back, in a way its tougher for those people that have to handle being used and then the user coming back into your life making you second guess your feelings. Its harder in the long term.

 

The money situation: Maybe just cut your losses. Money comes and goes. Dont have a reason to keep ties with this jerkstore!

[bananaboat11]

Ive read your situation Banana Boat, and it sucks, not gonna lie. But consider yourself lucky she hasnt come back, in a way its tougher for those people that have to handle being used and then the user coming back into your life making you second guess your feelings. Its harder in the long term.

 

The money situation: Maybe just cut your losses. Money comes and goes. Dont have a reason to keep ties with this jerkstore!

 

 

 

 

Sucks for me...

[Silver_star]

At least shes out of your life. Its a good thing.

[bananaboat11]

At least shes out of your life. Its a good thing.

 

 

I was on my Google Droid phone... hard to type elaborately LOL

 

Sucks for me that I was used....

 

And it sucks I keep having these waves of emotions. I'm FINALLY coming to the realization I was her 5 month rebound... everything I lived during those 5 months was a lie. ****ing whore. Now that I'm coming to terms w/ that & that I'll never, ever, ever hear from her again (confident of this) it's me grieving/coping and starting to move on. I noticed my confidence is FINALLY just starting to come back...

 

Thanks SS.

[Dorluv]

Man biccaroo...sorry to hear this.

It's not easy what you are going thru. We've all been there man. Don't contact her. She has made a decision and she needs to live with it. When things get crappy with her ex again, she will come calling and you must not take her back. You may have been the rebound, but who knows for sure. The fact is she left you for him and there's no reason you should let her back in your life. Go to strict NC immediately and don't give her the training wheels, cuz she may come looking for them. You are young and you will fall in love MANY more times. I know right now it seems like it was meant to be forever and you will never get over this pain, but it's not true...trust me. Run from this girl as fast as you can. NO CONTACT means no FB or drive-by's etc. IF YOU LISTEN TO PEOPLE ON THIS BOARD WHO HAVE BEEN AROUND, THEY WILL GUIDE YOU. Heed their words and I promise you will avoid the common pitfalls of a man at your age. Why trust us? Because we have all been there bro. It's not easy, but we can save you a ton of heartache. Good luck and immediate NC. No letters telling her you are doing it. JUST DO IT!

 

I am a woman and tust me dont do it. I personall y cannot be friends with anyone that I love and still have feelings for. sorry may sound selfish but its for my own sanity. I see young people do it but i cant do it. I would delete all contacts with her. I am friends with some of my exes but that because I have moved on from them and have no more feelings. but being friends with someone that u love is pure madness, means u have to listen to their life without somebody else. thats insanity. Give her the space she needs, its up to u if you want to take her back.

[Dorluv]

Ive read your situation Banana Boat, and it sucks, not gonna lie. But consider yourself lucky she hasnt come back, in a way its tougher for those people that have to handle being used and then the user coming back into your life making you second guess your feelings. Its harder in the long term.

 

The money situation: Maybe just cut your losses. Money comes and goes. Dont have a reason to keep ties with this jerkstore!

 

I agree let her feel guilty, leave her with the damn money , cut your losses, thats what i did , in one of my relationship, he was well when i get on my feet i will pay u back . i didnt even answer him. keep it I hope it makes u happy

[Dorluv]

Unless there has been some form of abuse, I think No Contact can be a very dysfunctional response to relationship conflicts. No, i didn't go NC.

 

 

this is very interseting, Can u please explain?