Boundary Problem Posted January 26, 2010 Posted January 26, 2010 this is very interseting, Can u please explain? Well it depends if you want a relationship or not. If you want a relationship, I think talking about problems and setting out consequences is the way to communicate. If you don't want a relationship (for whatever good reason) and you still have poignant feelings for the other person, then I can recommend No Contact, since then you will be able to heal more quickly and move on in your brain and then your heart will (slowly) follow your brain. But if you are in a relationship - if someone misbehaves and I decide to do No Contact, then essentially I'm emotionally being punished for their misbehaviour. I would rather be in their face until they fix the problem. Missing each other during No Contact raises the bar artificially and allows a couple to skate over problems (by raising sexual tension) rather than slogging through the problems and hopefully fixing them or coming to a workable solution for both. = emotional fit. It takes time and work. sexual compatibility is NOT the same as emotional fit. And Emotional Fit is not accomplished through No Contact. Sexual tension is accomplished through No Contact.
Upgrayedd Posted January 26, 2010 Posted January 26, 2010 Upgrayedd said: "People use other people, it's a fact of life. Yes, eventually we all fade into afterthoughts for our exes. Upgrayedd takes solace in the fact that while you may fade from their memory and become nothing more than a part of their past their actions define themselves and not you. Their treatment of you reflects on them and not you. Remember, the universe gives back what you send out. If you send out negative energy it will come back to you. Upgrayedd would forgive, never forget and find someone who values themselves enough to value Upgrayedd"
daisydo Posted January 26, 2010 Posted January 26, 2010 I have to admit, there have been plenty of times like that - where she's said she loved me and I really thought she did. But now I can see she clearly never really did because how could she treat me with so much disrespect? I did everything for her, perhaps I was even too nice, but I hope that eventually she realises that she's made a mistake. I don't wish ill on her because I'm not that kind of guy but I do hope she realises what she's done and life teaches her a leason she won't forget. It's just not fair her going about her business in this way - playing with peoples feelings, breaking their hearts. I get the feeling now that because she's apparently sunk into the arms of her ex that she's actually quite relieved to be rid of me which hurts so much, but I've realised that she didn't deserve me anyway and I'll find someone better in the end. Don't get me wrong - I have to admit that even now I'd take her back but that's because I gave so much to our relationship. But I'm glad I've started to realise that she wasn't the one for me and I'll find someone better... I hope! i feel exactly the same way. i think someone referenced my post earlier in this thread. please feel free to read my story. my ex has done the same thing to me.. we were together for nine months. now he is back in the arms of his insane exgirlfriend. he hasn't contacted me to explain, apologize or anything. i am still reeling from all of this. it doesn't help that we have the same social circle, so i am dreading seeing him or her out in public. i can only hope that i can control myself if it does happen. best wishes. i hope you can heal quickly. if you want to discuss anything further, please feel free to reply and i can send you my email address.
dyzfunctioned Posted January 26, 2010 Posted January 26, 2010 I was on my Google Droid phone... hard to type elaborately LOL Sucks for me that I was used.... And it sucks I keep having these waves of emotions. I'm FINALLY coming to the realization I was her 5 month rebound... everything I lived during those 5 months was a lie. ****ing whore. Now that I'm coming to terms w/ that & that I'll never, ever, ever hear from her again (confident of this) it's me grieving/coping and starting to move on. I noticed my confidence is FINALLY just starting to come back... Thanks SS. Same thing I'm going through man... only difference is that she lives so close that I see her every day and her ex is out to kick my ass. So I guess it could be worse for you, right?
bananaboat11 Posted January 26, 2010 Posted January 26, 2010 Same thing I'm going through man... only difference is that she lives so close that I see her every day and her ex is out to kick my ass. So I guess it could be worse for you, right? I'm so sorry man.. just read your story. It's not fair, but you know what... look at it this way... we're sexually desired and lusted for. That drew them in. Their loss. Your ex.. my ex... broken, insecure...
dyzfunctioned Posted January 26, 2010 Posted January 26, 2010 I'm so sorry man.. just read your story. It's not fair, but you know what... look at it this way... we're sexually desired and lusted for. That drew them in. Their loss. Your ex.. my ex... broken, insecure... I swear every time I comment on one of your posts I find you've commented on one of mine. Good to know someone else is going through something similiar though man, thanks for the support. If you ever need to talk feel free to contact me as we're dealing with the same **** to some extent anyway.
bananaboat11 Posted January 26, 2010 Posted January 26, 2010 I swear every time I comment on one of your posts I find you've commented on one of mine. Good to know someone else is going through something similiar though man, thanks for the support. If you ever need to talk feel free to contact me as we're dealing with the same **** to some extent anyway. I just commented on your last post LOL shoot me an e-mail to my public email and i'll hit you up via my private one. i'm happy to listen to your story and give you mine... and we'll both learn & grow from this... it's ****ed, but we're clearly the one's making out like bandits. =/ robby31784[@]gmail.com how old are you? i'm 25 on March 17
Simon Attwood Posted January 26, 2010 Posted January 26, 2010 this is very interseting, Can u please explain? Boundary, answers that question to some extent; Well it depends if you want a relationship or not. If you want a relationship, I think talking about problems and setting out consequences is the way to communicate. If you don't want a relationship (for whatever good reason) and you still have poignant feelings for the other person, then I can recommend No Contact, since then you will be able to heal more quickly and move on in your brain and then your heart will (slowly) follow your brain. But if you are in a relationship - if someone misbehaves and I decide to do No Contact, then essentially I'm emotionally being punished for their misbehaviour. I would rather be in their face until they fix the problem. Missing each other during No Contact raises the bar artificially and allows a couple to skate over problems (by raising sexual tension) rather than slogging through the problems and hopefully fixing them or coming to a workable solution for both. = emotional fit. It takes time and work. sexual compatibility is NOT the same as emotional fit. And Emotional Fit is not accomplished through No Contact. Sexual tension is accomplished through No Contact. The bit in bold I have some misgivings about though; If you want to end a relationship but still have poignant feelings for the other person, then you need to ask yourself why you are ending the relationship (unless of course it is a potentially poisonous relationship like in the case of many affairs, etc. that can be detrimental to your future security and/or the security of your family, especially your children). And ask yourself why you still have poignant feelings. There is a tendency on here, when ever a difficulty within a relationship is discussed, for some people to almost demand that the OP does "No Contact", and if they don't immediately buy in to the "No Contact" ideology, it is suggested that something is wrong with them and the people suggesting "No Contact" become even more insistent to the point of bullying. This says far more about the responders, than the OP. 9 times out of 10, it is better to communicate with the other person. No Contact should really only be applied if there is some form of emotional, psychological or physical threat i.e. abuse. Otherwise I consider No Contact to be a dysfunctional response akin to running away or sticking your fingers in your ears and going "La, la, la!" and hoping that the problem will go away by itself. Essentially you are not facing the problem, you are running away and hiding from it. But then, I am a confronter these days, although I wasn't always, it's something that has come with maturity and self knowledge. In my younger days I more an avoider.
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