girl very upset that i don't want to be 'just friends'

[mrwrong]

ok so i've been in a very strange situation with a girl for the last 4 months. this girl has had some f-cked up relationships in the past and told me since day 1 (after i told her that i liked her) that she was not looking for a relationship right now. after she told me that, i thought oh ok thats cool... she just needed a little time. so a week into it we started progressively getting more intimate. as the weeks kept rolling on, she got less and less interested, and we argued more and more. eventually she told me that she just wanted to be my friend and did not want a relationship. i told her no, and that we should move on. after telling her this, she broke down crying... and not like normal boo hoo crying... i mean like niagra falls, its the end of the world crying. why would she be so upset, i dont understand. she had told me straight up that she was no longer attracted to me and that her feelings had changed. what really boggles my mind is she would always tell me she considered me a very close friend. its funny because i didnt feel that way. i never felt like i could talk to her about anything (and whenever i'd try to get her to talk to me about whats bothering her, she would very boldly tell me no). in fact, sometimes i felt like we borderline hated eachother. don't get me wrong, we had some really fun times too. but there were definately alot more bad times than good.

 

now my question is, could she possibly have feelings for me but is still trying to recover from her past relationships. or is she just upset because she feels like she lost a 'close friend' (this girl has alot of friends btw. so why is losing one such a big deal?).

Edited January 22, 2010 by mrwrong

[Flying Goose]

ok so i've been in a very strange situation with a girl for the last 4 months. this girl has had some f-cked up relationships in the past and told me since day 1 (after i told her that i liked her) that she was not looking for a relationship right now. after she told me that, i thought oh ok thats cool... she just needed a little time. so a week into it we started progressively getting more intimate. as the weeks kept rolling on, she got less and less interested, and we argued more and more. eventually she told me that she just wanted to be my friend and did not want a relationship. i told her no, and that we should move on. after telling her this, she broke down crying... and not like normal boo hoo crying... i mean like niagra falls, its the end of the world crying. why would she be so upset, i dont understand. she had told me straight up that she was no longer attracted to me and that her feelings had changed. what really boggles my mind is she would always tell me she considered me a very close friend. its funny because i didnt feel that way. i never felt like i could talk to her about anything (and whenever i'd try to get her to talk to me about whats bothering her, she would very boldly tell me no). in fact, sometimes i felt like we borderline hated eachother. don't get me wrong, we had some really fun times too. but there were definately alot more bad times than good.

 

now my question is, could she possibly have feelings for me but is still trying to recover from her past relationships. or is she just upset because she feels like she lost a 'close friend' (this girl has alot of friends btw. so why is losing one such a big deal?).

You're not her counsellor; you're not her psychiatrist. Once the madness as you describe starts - stop. Don't try to interpret anything she says, don't try to be her friend; she'll use you. Walk away and don't look back. People like that who throw their emotions around like yoyos and misunderstand the concept of a best friend/boyfriend should be left to grow up. Spending more time with her would only reassure her that her madness is the way forward.

[gregp]

She is just emotional, they change state quickly, she will get over it, so should you, move on I guess.

[40daydream]

From my experience, it's difficult for people to be physically intimate with someone and keep emotions out of the picture. It sounds like she developed feelings for you and is either having a hard time coming to terms with that, or is breaking down over her past relationships, which she may not be completely over yet.

 

And, she sounds mean... why would you continue pursuing her if that's the case?

[Porn_Guy]

now my question is, could she possibly have feelings for me ...

most likely not

[paddington bear]

 

1: told me since day 1 (after i told her that i liked her) that she was not looking for a relationship right now.

 

2: i thought oh ok thats cool... she just needed a little time.

3: as the weeks kept rolling on, she got less and less interested, and we argued more and more. eventually she told me that she just wanted to be my friend and did not want a relationship.

 

4: she had told me straight up that she was no longer attracted to me and that her feelings had changed.

5: she would always tell me she considered me a very close friend.

 

You liked her from the offset and you ignored what she said

 

1: She said she didn't want a relationship right now - problem with this well-used statement, is that the people saying this put in 'right now' thus giving those of us who are attracted to them as more than friends hope (when in fact there is no hope). Ignore the 'right now' part of the sentence and concentrate on the 'I don't want a relationship' part

 

2: You convinced yourself after she said she didn't want a relationship that you could change her mind. It is generally better in these situations to remove yourself from the object of your affection and allow them to realise that without you there that they do in fact want you (or not).

 

3: she got less interested because she always said she just wanted to be a friend

 

4: her feelings didn't change in the first place, they were consistent from the beginning 'I don't want a relationship'.

 

5: Again, she states she wants friendship from you.

 

I'm not trying to be down on you, but just be aware that you ignored what she told you and are now getting hurt because of it (I was 'you' on a previous occasion and did exactly what you did and ended up in the same position, I've learned that you cannot convince someone that they are into you by hanging around hoping they'll fall for you).

 

She either does have some kind of emotional problems or commitment issues. Or...maybe just a massive guilt complex. Guy that I like as a friend wants more. I don't want more. I tell him. He seems to accept this, but then doesn't and works on getting me to change my mind. I decide to go along with this to be fair and because I feel guilty about constantly rejecting him. So I try to see if maybe he's right and it will work between us.

 

I realise after doing this that no, I was right all along, he was not the man for me and tell him that I want to be friends, as I'd said from the start. But now I feel even more guilty because I've hurt him and on top of that I'm losing his friendship (which is all I wanted from the start) so I'm going to cry my eyes out because I've made a massive mess of things.

[Dolos]

Just keep ignoring her, and remember anything that's not a clear yes means no. On the slim chance she is actually interested in you and just afraid to move forward ignoring her is still your best chance of getting anywhere with her.

[mrwrong]

You liked her from the offset and you ignored what she said

 

1: She said she didn't want a relationship right now - problem with this well-used statement, is that the people saying this put in 'right now' thus giving those of us who are attracted to them as more than friends hope (when in fact there is no hope). Ignore the 'right now' part of the sentence and concentrate on the 'I don't want a relationship' part

 

2: You convinced yourself after she said she didn't want a relationship that you could change her mind. It is generally better in these situations to remove yourself from the object of your affection and allow them to realise that without you there that they do in fact want you (or not).

 

3: she got less interested because she always said she just wanted to be a friend

 

4: her feelings didn't change in the first place, they were consistent from the beginning 'I don't want a relationship'.

 

5: Again, she states she wants friendship from you.

 

I'm not trying to be down on you, but just be aware that you ignored what she told you and are now getting hurt because of it (I was 'you' on a previous occasion and did exactly what you did and ended up in the same position, I've learned that you cannot convince someone that they are into you by hanging around hoping they'll fall for you).

 

She either does have some kind of emotional problems or commitment issues. Or...maybe just a massive guilt complex. Guy that I like as a friend wants more. I don't want more. I tell him. He seems to accept this, but then doesn't and works on getting me to change my mind. I decide to go along with this to be fair and because I feel guilty about constantly rejecting him. So I try to see if maybe he's right and it will work between us.

 

I realise after doing this that no, I was right all along, he was not the man for me and tell him that I want to be friends, as I'd said from the start. But now I feel even more guilty because I've hurt him and on top of that I'm losing his friendship (which is all I wanted from the start) so I'm going to cry my eyes out because I've made a massive mess of things.

 

everything you say makes complete absolute sense. i did try to push a relationship onto her when she clearly did not want one. i admit i screwed that up. i did try being just a friend for a while... but she started flirting with me, which confused me. if she really just wants to be just my friend why would she do that sh-t. im starting to think she just likes the attention of someone that is crazy about her, even though she feels nothing. this whole situation makes my stomach turn....... and btw she's bi-polar... so ya she has issues.

 

thanks for your input Pad, much appreciated