I want my ex back but how?

[LALuck]

I'd like the insights of the group about how to deal with this. We broke up the first week of October.

 

I was with a girl for 8 months. We worked together at the same company and we would flirt, until she came after me and asked me out. We became boyfriend/girlfriend a week later.

 

Two weeks efore, she quit work. I acted jealous towards her being friends with this guy. One night we were at work and I wanted to kiss her goodbye in the back and she was acting cold towards me. The next day, I told her how it bothered me and she said that she would break off her friendship with the guy because she saw it was hurting our relationship.I kept bringing up the past. Also I had started spending too much time with her in that month. I started questioning if we still had things in common if we were not working together. I showed weakness (I was going through a tough time with my father going through chemotherapy but I have regained my strength and composure now). We go for a walk one day in her neighborhood and she starts criticising me and I become defensive and then I ask her if it is bothering her so much if she would want to break up and she says no. We went out later that week and the following week. We were still having sex like 2x a week.

 

Anyways, she wanted to see me on the day before the Yom Kippur holiday. I told her I couldn't and she kept begging to see me. I told her I would see her after the holiday was over. She was dog sitting at someone's place that night. I came over after the holiday. She was into herself. I asked her what was wrong and she said that she didn't want to talk about it. I kept pressuring her until she said that I think we should take a break/breakup. She says that she needs space to get over her past hurts that would reappear in her mind. A couple of times she asked for space but we didn't do it. I acted furtherly antiseductive by questioning her and becoming emotional. I asked her if I could stay the night, she said Ok if I didn't bother her. The next morning she tried to finish her homework that she couldn't finish the night before and she didn't get it done.

 

I dropped her off at community college and instead of going to my university, I came back after her class to bring her a flower and a note. I see the guy walking to her house. I come inside and she sees that I met up with the guy. She had told me two weeks earlier that she was going to discontinue her friendship with the guy because she saw how much it was hurting me. Anyways, I start getting angry and she starts saying to me how she is with the guy now. I got very angry and lost my composure. My girl used to flaunt around everyone how I was such a great boyfriend, she would tell me how she wanted to spend her life with me and all of those things everyone says. She invited me to come back east with her during Christmas to visit her family. She would be jealous of any girl that would walk into our office if they even said hi to me. Anyways, so she calls later that week to pick up her paycheck from work and I tell her she can pick it up and I slam the phone. She picks up her check the day I am not there.

 

I call the next monday to say that I am coming over to talk and she says she is uncomfortable and I say that I just wanted to say that I am sorry for acting unprofessional. We talk and the conversation ends. The next day, Tuesday, (one week after we broke up) she calls work. I tell her I am busy. The following week, I go to her sister's office and say hi to the sister (me and the sister are good friends and I am friends with the sister's boss. It is a similar business to the one I work for. The girl and the sister live together). The same night, the girl calls me. I tell her I am busy again. The following week, the sister calls me to ask me how I am doing. I act like everything is fine.

 

The next week, I call the sister from my work on tuesday but she doesn't answer so I don't leave a message. The sister calls on wednesday, but I was busy. I call back later in the day and we have a little chit chat about how is everything and all. At the end of the conversation, I ask how is the girl and I say that she should call me or I will call her. The sister says that I think she would like talking to you. The next day, thursday, the girl calls at 10:15 at night. She sounds scared in the beginning to talk to me but I act pleasant and cheerful. She asks me how are things at work and school. I say they are good and I ask her. She says they are good too. She tells me about how when she is at work, she thinks that I would be ashamed that she has gone to a lower paying job. She tells me how money has been tight for her. I acted very supportive and strong, but I did not show I miss her or bring up the past. We have a nice conversation and I realize as it progresses that she is more comfortable talking to me. She starts talking about the stars and creating a mood. I keep it light. She also tells me she has wanted to talk with me for a while. I finish off the conversation by saying that I enjoyed talking with her and she says the same. I tell her that I will talk to you later.

 

I called the girl the following Sunday, but her sister said she was out. I went out with the sister that friday out for coffee by her work in the afternoon. We talked about how the sister was planning to move back east when the two sister were going to visit home. The girl is planning to stay in student housing, when her sister leaves. The sister asked me what me and the girl talked about, I told her we just caught up with eachother. She said it was a good start. I waited until the following Tuesday to call again and the sister said she wasn't there. That saturday I called again and the sister said she was asleep. I called the next day to tell the sister to tell the girl to drop off my jacket at my house. The last time I called was a week later on Thanksgiving to wish the sister a happy thanksgiving and then I asked to wish it to the girl but she was out.

 

Since Thanksgiving, I cut off the calling to the girl. The sister spoke with me once and we wished eachother happy holidays. I went to the company where the sister works at for a job interview and I looked really good because I have been taking care of myself since the breakup by going to the gym, having fun with friends, and building my confidence. The sister was amazed to see me and she complimented how handsome I looked. I kept it very light and we did not bring up the girl. The next day the sister and the girl were planning to drive back east, which was about 1.5 weeks ago where the sister is planning to stay now and the girl is returning today to move into her student housing.

 

My ex is with this guy now and I want her back. He takes her to museums and the theatre, which she likes to go to, but we never did go to except on our first date and when we took a trip together and we saw the Festival of the arts. In the first two weeks when she contacted me, I wanted to show that I had self respect by not talking to her as most say to do right after the breakup. When we talked, I could sense she had some interest, but I goofed it up by calling those times after. I never sent her any flowers or notes after we broke up (I did when we were together) and I never acted needy in front of the sister about losing the girl except for the first 2-3 days when the sister would call me to see how I was handling things.

 

Should I continue the no-contact and hope that because now she will start to become very lonely from her sister (the sister is a mother figure for her) not being here that it will bring her to contact me. This girl doesnt have many friends, she would say that I was her best friend (she felt so comfortable communicating with me & we always were able to resolve fights) and my friends were good with her because we all worked together. I don't know where is the student housing she is moving to exactly and I dont have any phone number for her because she doesnt have a cell phone. The only way that I will be able to get in contact with her is to call her sister back east, which I won't. How should I act with her if she comes around?

BTW, my jacket is still sitting in the back seat of her car.

[sarah12]

She is dating someone new. If she wants you back, you have to let her come to you and make the decision on her own. As for your jacket, you should definitely get that back. Do you have her e-mail address? There must be some way you can contact her about it. Don't push for anythin else when you see her, just get the jacket back. Leave her to wonder what you're up to these days (which is moving on from her!!) .

[LALuck]

I do have her email address but she doesnt check it that often. I don't really care about the jacket that much but what I am wondering is why is she holding onto it and why does she keep it in the back seat of her car since the last date we had. I already told her sister that I wanted it back when I called a month ago, so I guess I will leave it at that. I am not pressuring the girl to come back to be with me but I do want her back, even though I don't know what to do. From this board, it seems the best thing to do is to give her the space that she wanted. She rebounded to this guy because I acted jealous of him, so let's see what happens.

[sarah12]

You probably had some reason to be jealous of him though.

 

I think she knows what she needs to know about you, and about the jacket, etc. She will do as she pleases, there's nothing you can do now that you are broken up and she is seeing someone else. Unfortunately the name of the game is the dreaded 'time and space' everyone is going through right now.

 

Also, I have stuff from my ex because it just slips my mind to return them.

[LALuck]

As I said earlier in my first post, I didn't like that she spent as much time as she did with this guy. On the other hand, there was a party in the summer that she told me to come with her and it was this guy's friend's party, but I told her I didn't want to go because the next day (July 4) we were supposed to go to a water park. My own friends ended up going to the party to join her and the whole night she was drunk and kept saying how she missed me and she didn't even spend a minute with this guy. But moving on to 2 weeks before we broke up and she didn't want to kiss me goodbye at work when she was hanging out with this guy, I was offended.

 

I don't understand this time thing completely. For the first month that we broke up and then that night that we talked together, it did seem to relieve some of the stresses. I realize that I shouldn't have called after that and gave her more time but I goofed and now will wait. I wonder what is the likelihood that she will ever come around again? Should I try to initiate contact with her by the end of January or wait until she calls me.

 

She broke up with me one time in the summer (she said that she was confused because she had feelings for this guy friend of hers) and she went back east to see her family for a week. He picked her up from the airport and gave her flowers and tried to kiss her and she says she pushed him back. When she came back we tried being friends for a couple of days and we ended up making out at work (we used to supervise and close together). She told me that night that she wanted us to have more sex, so I told her OK. 3 days later we were boyfriend and girlfriend again.