Moved in with LDR- now problems

[Mountainlove]

Hello Everyone,

 

I am really upset and hope you have some ideas for me....

I will start from the start so that you understand what has been happening so far...

 

I have met my current boyfriend on holidays and after having a long distance relationship for 9 months (I am from Europe he is from Canada) I decided to take a year off from work and live with him for a year.

 

Currently I am in Canada and we are getting on great. Our plan always was that after the year if things work between him and myself he would move to Europe to see how it is like.

 

I am here for nearly 3 months now and currently I am having a really hard time. I miss my friends, country and family so much. The other things is that I always take some time to make friends and even though I get on with his friends I havent clicked with them. Not having a job at the moment is also hard and does not make the situation easier, but all this I am happy to endure because it means I can be together with him.

 

My main problem is that the town we are living in is very small and is without any public transport and everything is so far away. I am from a place which is so beautiful and everything is in easy reach. Even though my old town is the same size than the place I am living at now, it is really ugly and boring in comparison.

 

Thsi morning I told my boyfriend that even though I am really happy with him and unhappy in the town. We talked afterwards and then he told me that he does not want to leave here. He said that even though he is willing to come to Europe for a while he wants to come back afterwards.

 

I was really shocked by this because I know that I could not life in a place without any natural beauty and things to do for the rest of my life. I have asked him if he at least would concider moving to a place in Canada we both like but he said he wants to stay were his parents and friends are.

 

I am really upset now because it just seem to me that he thinks it is either his way for no way. I gave up so much to be together with him and he is not even willing to try to life in my place. He said he lived away from home (another 2 places in Canada) nd he did not like it.

 

 

I really dont know what I should do at the moment. He always says that he does not like his job and that it does not pays enough money and he does not own place, so I always thought that living in Europe woudl give him the chance to find a well paid job and a nice place to stay.

 

He says he loves me and that I am his nr 1 but I dont understand why he is so stuck with a place with has not many job opportunities and not much else going for it.

 

I dont know what to do ...please help

[hoping2heal]

I'm not happy with your BF at the moment. Okay he is attatched to his friends and family so it is not up for consideration..what? You don't love the place you're from? You don't miss YOUR friends and family? Grrr.

 

The reality is this, maybe he would be open minded and he just couldn't handle it, but the fact that he is making up his mind so early on and only thinking about himself *flips hand*. You were at least open minded and you may not be able to live in his town forever.

 

I don't know, to be quite honest neither one of you can spend your lives living in a place you are unhappy in and at this point it seems like no matter who makes the sacrifice, it's going to be too large of one.

[Rollercoasterr]

Honestly, he may be acting like it's his way or no way, but so are you.

 

I agree that since you've given up so much for him, he should be more open minded to giving up something for you. I don't think it's too much to ask to move an hour or so away if that meant that you and he would both be happier.

 

But in the end, that's the risk you take with an LDR. Did you never visit his town before??

[Jalor]

I was in a similar situation and I have 1 piece of advice. Stay with him and just try and resolve your issues gradually. Admittedly, in my situation there was less distance (England/France) but I moved in with my gf to France after having been long distance for 10 out of the 18 months we had been together. I didn't like my job and felt too reliant on her for everything. To cut a very very long story short, I began to resent her for this as she was adamant that she wanted to live the rest of her life in Paris and eventually we broke up. She spent 4 weeks trying to get me back but I couldn't bring myself to it. We have now been broken up for nearly 3 months and now that I am back in the UK, I realise what I have lost and I would make any sacrifice to be with her again. Don't get bogged down in who is making the largest concessions because eventually it will even out. Your bf will soon realise that he wants to have his own life with you and that will be more important than being close to his family. Guys just need to know that there is no pressure on them and eventually they usually come round.

 

I am now trying to rebuild my relationship but it is going to be a very difficult road as she has lost trust in us. Don't do anything rash before you have really assessed the consequences.

[aerogurl87]

I agree with Rollercoasterr, move somewhere that's like an hour away with the natural beauty and fun stuff to do that you want, but close enough to his friends and family like he wants. If he won't even consider that though, then you may want to reconsider if you're willing to compromise and he isn't.

[Mei Mei]

I was in a similar situation and I have 1 piece of advice. Stay with him and just try and resolve your issues gradually. Admittedly, in my situation there was less distance (England/France) but I moved in with my gf to France after having been long distance for 10 out of the 18 months we had been together. I didn't like my job and felt too reliant on her for everything. To cut a very very long story short, I began to resent her for this as she was adamant that she wanted to live the rest of her life in Paris and eventually we broke up. She spent 4 weeks trying to get me back but I couldn't bring myself to it. We have now been broken up for nearly 3 months and now that I am back in the UK, I realise what I have lost and I would make any sacrifice to be with her again. Don't get bogged down in who is making the largest concessions because eventually it will even out. Your bf will soon realise that he wants to have his own life with you and that will be more important than being close to his family. Guys just need to know that there is no pressure on them and eventually they usually come round.

 

I am now trying to rebuild my relationship but it is going to be a very difficult road as she has lost trust in us. Don't do anything rash before you have really assessed the consequences.

 

 

 

 

I agree with Jalor totally.

 

My So said he wanted to stay with me after we were in the relationship for a few months. At the end, we stay in LRD due to our own issues and commitment in own nations. I agree to this arrangement because I think the rush would spoiled the relationship that we care so much. The endeavour has helped our relationship to last and grow since we do understand each others'circmumstances. We dont want the other to bear greater pressure than wecan afford at the time being before we feel the time is suitable. Then we are making plan to meet more and our relationship grows stronger.

 

 

I have confidence that we can work out our togetherness with longer time, when both are fully ready for it in regard to our own circumstances.

 

In this way, we are moving in gradually till the time arrive that we both are fully ready for that.

[AnnPod]

Hello Mountainlove,

 

I definitely agree with Jalor and Mei Mei. It doesn't make sense to try to insist on who sacrifices more. It was your choice to move, and now you must try to live with it. Maybe it helps to see it like that: What made you do this was the idea that what made your boyfriend and you be together is bigger and more important than to be near to your friends and family.

 

Try to find ways how you can calm down and not stay locked in your sadness. Many people who moved for their love here say it's essential to build up an own life, find own friends and activities and so on. Maybe you should try to open up a little to your new surrounding, it's not gonna get better if you have already decided for yourself that this place sucks.

 

Don't insist on that you wanna move etc. right away and give your boyfriend some time. You must decide things together, but without rush and pressure.

 

Good luck.

[Rollercoasterr]

It may help to think about it from this point of view. This is actually my reasoning for not wanting to move too far away after Mathew and I are married.

 

You've already moved SOOO far away from your family and friends. No good, and I mean absolutely no good will come from separating him from his family and friends. Then you'd both be alone, scared, clingy and needy to each other. It will drive you crazy. You need to have some sort of familial system nearby, and asking him to move just because you want better scenery is not only selfish, but it's incredibly stupid.

 

You knew what the area was like before you moved to be with him for a year. Either live with it, or go home. Did you think it was going to miraculously change in appearance and lifestyle since you were there last?